The Secret Life

a behind the scenes look at the consistently inconsistent life of an emotional eater…

Old habits November 12, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise — preciouscharlie @ 9:32 pm

Why is it that at bedtime, I feel the need to take something up with me to snack on? I like to lay in bed and read…usually with a bowl of ice cream or a “kid’s” cereal. I’ve been doing this for several months now and this is the what, 3rd night I am going without? Thinking it’s mind over matter. I don’t really WANT ice cream or cereal…or ANYTHING! I think I just want to hold a bowl/set it on my belly and use a spoon to eat with. So I have a happy medium: TEA! Gonna take my soup mug up to the bed with me just like old times. And instead of Rocky Road or Apple Jacks, it’s Triple Leaf! I can feel good about that tonight and tomorrow as my insides will surely thank me in the AM (Sorry, TMI).

I’ve started eating right (no calorie counting, just AWARENESS) and small workouts (no more than 25 mins at a time) which have been working well for me. I don’t want to do too much too soon as I know that way it’s harder to push through. I am just at the beginning [again] though, so the workouts will intensify in quality AND quantity. For now I am taking it slowly. I don’t feel like having history repeat itself with that “go hard or go home” attitude. Just putting one foot in front of the other is working out just fine for now…

 

Let the games begin! November 10, 2013

Filed under: Stats — preciouscharlie @ 10:16 pm

Mood: 9

Energy level: 8

(scale= 1-10, 10 is high)

I can do:

Push-ups (knees down):  6

Plank: 21seconds

(Weight: 192.6)

 

Today I am Fine

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 10:13 pm

I feel good and I am glad.

I ate right [mostly] and did a little exercise. Yay! I feel the new me coming and I look forward to getting to know myself all over again.

For those who have followed me in my personal struggle:

Guess what! I MOVED OUT! Yep, escaped my crappy relationship and am starting over. I’ve been in the new digs for almost a month, and there is still quite a bit to do here as far as unpacking and organizing. But it will get done. I found myself getting angry and/or frustrated because it is such a daunting task. But here’s what I know: It WILL get done. The house will be in order when it’s supposed to be. I cannot rush it or I will stress myself out…not worth it. So I am at peace with it. I do a little every day…and sometimes nothing at all. And that is FINE.

Okay, I am glad to say that I’m in bed now, so I must go. I was going to write more, but I don’t want to keep myself up too late. I am trying to start healthy SLEEP habits as well.

Gonna post my stats and turn in. Night!

 

Closer than I think! November 6, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 9:55 am

So my mom passed on this Joel Osteen book to me about fulfilling my dreams and reaching my goals. While I am not “into Jesus” at all, and I find the God references a tad overwheming, I respect what he is saying and am now on a new quest to merge this new thought process into all aspects of my life.

When I first came back on here to blog, my natural instinct was to start telling you about all of the negativity in my world and set-backs I experienced. But I realized there is no need for that. I am on a quest for spirituality and inner peace! Everything I desire will come to me if I believe it and continue to move FORWARD. Dwelling on the past will not propell me any closer to my dreams…

Ahhhh…relaxing breath of fresh air.

I am excited to once again be a part ot this community and share my jouney. So come along again for this ride and let’s be open to what the universe has in store for us!

 

Kudos to me! June 20, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 1:21 pm

So I have adopted a rule of no deprivation. That can lead to trouble, but today I am proud. I wanted pizza (my vice) and I GOT one! I ordered a small pie with 10 hotwings. I only ate two slices (the equivalent of one regular size slice or less even). The wing dings were TINY! I ate 5, but not because I was counting but becasue I was DONE. So I killed my craving by eating what I wanted and not over-doing it. Now…if I can manage to dump this Pepsi, I’ll be in the money! I have a hard time wasting, so that’s not realistic. I only drank 1/4 the can. Maybe I’ll let it get warm and nasty…then I’ll have no prob dumping it out.

So, I am happy. More than half-way through a crappy day at work and though I craved “bad” foods as a method of sopothing, I didn’t go overboard.

Yay me!

(now, I just have to be sure not to skip my workout this evening)

 

Lucky Charms and alcohol June 19, 2013

Filed under: Drama, Random — preciouscharlie @ 5:33 pm

I didn’t even realize I was eating…

Mindlessly shoved a 1/4 lb. of seafood salad into my face…then god only knows how may bowls of Lucky Charms right behind it. All on the tail end of a phone conversation with the Boy.

He’s been gone for almost a week now. I put him out because I was fed up and just TIRED. I wanted to be the one to leave, but it’s more feasible to go. He doesn’t have much as far as personal belongings are concerned. And besides, I have the little one. Speaking of…I now have to make the permanent decision to file for custody…something I’ve dreaded since day one and never acted on. All to keep the peace. Mistake? Probably. And speaking of PEACE, the house has been calm and quiet. Uncorrupt w/o him. I am not even sad. I am OKAY.

Meanwhile, this puts a monkey wrench in my immediate plans. Guess I’ll have to put that all on hold. It will work out in time. I will be fine. I have to be. There is no  other option.

Meanwhile, I am down a pound from a month ago when I somewhat gave up on my healthy habits. I hadn’t been binging or eating loads of take out or anything. But I also wasn’t watching what I ate and I damn sure hadn’t been exercising. So maintaining and ultimately dropping a single pound is something to be happy about.

I have been exercising in recent days. I even finally bought a jumprope though I don’t use it as much as I’d like. I’ve eaten right and tried to get to bed at a decent hour…

And the boy continues to stress me (along with work and life in general). I am trying now to get him to hand over his KEY. That was the source of the argument this evening. It’s been “tomorrow” for almost a week now and I am fed up. I haven’t seen him since he left last week, but he’s been in the house on more than once and that makes me uncomfortable. Simply put, I don’t trust him.

I’ve been fighting the temptation to soothe with alcohol, but I think I will go for it. Sign me up for around 400 calories!

Good friggin’ night!

 

[Insert frowny face here] June 9, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — preciouscharlie @ 12:33 pm

Almost a month has passed since my last entry. Nothing has changed…well not for the better at least. I don’t recall the details, but it’s been one thing after another and one doughnut, one bagel, one fish stick after another. Part of the reason is my will power up and abandoned me at some point. So here we have my “roommate ” jam-packing the fridge with junk food and me unable to resist. I asked him politely to stop bringing in bad foods as the whole out of sight out of mind thing works wonders…for BOTH of us. Needless to say, that didn’t go over to well.

So now I sit here having Dunkin Donuts for brunch and trying not to pity myself. It seems that fort every step forward, I take TWO in the opposite direction. This is me in LIFE in general and it’s really got me down at the moment. I am going nowhere fast.

(So much for S.A.L.V.E., lol. It was good while it lasted)

 

So far…so far. May 11, 2013

Filed under: Diet & Exercise, Random — preciouscharlie @ 6:30 pm

I was going to say so good, but that is not my truth. Though I can be proud of shifting my eating habits and randomly exercising, I know I can do better. It is so hard not to start with the negative self-talk, but I am really working on that. I think I look healthy. I feel better, and my spirits are [mostly] up. I am working on not letting the trials and tribulations of life get to me. Just trying to find my way.

I am on the verge of delving into something I’ve been wanting for quite a while. I fear that I will fall flat on my face. But such is life. If that happens, I will need to get back up and try again…like I have before.

So many times, I’ve been ready to give up. Not just with the weight loss, but on LIFE. I don’t want to DIE though. I want to LIVE. I want to be a participant in this life. I don’t want my limited time here to be wasted…

I have to keep moving forward. Even if I stumble and fall along the way. Just get up and keep GOING. And I am.

I have found myself somewhat STUCK in an unhappy living situation as you may or may not know. I want to get out, but at the same time the timing is so off that when I really start trying, I stop because I convince myself that it’s not wise. Is staying wise? Not necessarily, but it will allow me to do the things I want to do…AND keep my family together….even if it is a farce. Writing those words saddens me. I can own that without stuffing food in my face though. It’s so comforting at the time, then later I suffer. I suppose I’m tired of that cycle.

I have a headache now. I don’t think I’ve had enough water today. My energy level has been quite low on the regular. I have to figure out what’s the cause of that (besides pure laziness). When I go to exercise, it is a struggle to give it my all and all that I do give doesn’t seem to be enough. In the past I was able to go harder, longer. Maybe it has to do with my age and/or hormonal balance. I don’t know. I just need to find the energy that I know is laying dormant somewhere deep within. Maybe I will look into better vitamins. I take a single multi-vitamin daily for now. I am likely lacking something specific though. I know my meals haven’t been quite balanced so that is also likely a factor. For the record, I am just winging it as far as eating. No diet to speak of. Just an awareness of what I am ingesting and how it will affect me whether that be positively or negatively. I have little one as my cheerleader/personal trainer. She stays on me about working out and I only can get a high-five if I complete the exercise. Super cute motivator but again, I need more.

I watched a subpar documentary (therefore getting no plug here from me, lol) about our [American's] obsession with image…weight being the main issue. It wasn’t a great watch, but it did make me take a step back and ask myself “what do you REALLY want?” Because I don’t need to be SKINNY, I don’t need to be a certain SIZE, I don’t even need to be a certain WEIGHT! I do want to slim down and tone up though. But WHY? Because will think I LOOK better and this will make me FEEL better inside. Do I hear a ring of vanity? Maybe.

I just need to have more control is all. And I am not talking about RESTRICTION because I know that is no good. Shoot, isn’t it pizza that was my #1 no-no which started me on my backslide? It’s all about moderation. I’ve known this from jump street, but again old habits…

Speaking of habits, I am learning to create new ones. One which works wonders and prevents me from overeating is having a tall glass of water before my meals. Also the whole “give your body time to realize it’s FULL before you go reaching for more” thing is awesome. Hard to live by, but awesome nonetheless. And also I have been reminding myself when I dine out, “you don’t have to eat everything on your plate just because it’s there!” I have never tried the tip to ask them to bring out a half-portion and box the rest. I guess I have something to prove? I don’t know. And I don’t mind saving food for later. The problem is that the longer we sit, the more time I have to pick at my left-overs. So I’ve been working on that. Once it’s in the box, it STAYS (ahem NEEDS TO stay, lol).

Okay, I am going to rest for a while. The Boy and I have been able to manage peace around the house, so I hope tonight is no exception…

 

Don’t give up. Don’t give in! April 29, 2013

Filed under: Random — preciouscharlie @ 7:20 pm

Why is it so hard to focus on the positive? I am trying my damndest, but feel like I am somehow falling short. So, one of my besties was in town visiting for the weekend. Though I was shockingly mellow with my alcohol intake, I was rather reckless with my eating. But I did have FUN!

I managed to get a cool workout on Saturday morning. That’s something to be proud of. I don’t know. I guess I am just bothered because I am in a mood and I just got done eating her garbage from Friday which I found in the fridge (chicken parm and spaghetti). After scarfing that down for no reason whatsoever, I am just trying to remember that I was rather active this weekend and I only ate at mealtime (VERY hefty portions)…I’ve convinced myself that it’s not enough.

I think I am just wanting it ALL and yesterday again. And I KNOW that’s not how it works. Patience and perseverance.  I’ll get through.

Meanwhile, I got an email from my former kickboxing coach. She’s building a team for Muckfest. I so want to do it, but I am afraid I won’t be able to cut it…or I WILL, but I’ll be the laughing stock. I won’t know if I don’t try, but me and fear walk hand in hand. Not cool.

I was supposed to go visit an apartment today (man it’s Monday, I am really thrown off since I took a day off work)…but anyway, the Boy convinced me it would be a waste of time because I am not going anywhere. Unfortunately, he’s right. I probably SHOULD move, but realistically, it’s not what I feel like doing right now. Besides, having my girlfriend here mad me see my faux relationship in a new light…not a GOOD one necessarily, just different. Things CAN be ok…if we CHOOSE them to be.

So, what’s it gonna be? I don’t know. What I do know is, I have to stop raiding the fridge when I am bored. It was easier before gf came, because the fridge was free of all the bad stuff. I finished off her chips and dip earlier today, so I think everything is gone. Gotta get back on the ball with cooking. I have this thing about cooking for people that don’t live with me. So when I have company, I always order out. I have to fix that. Or somehow be okay with them eating CRAP in my face while I eat something I’ve prepared for myself. We’ll see.

Well, it’s about that time. I soooo don’t feel like work tomorrow. Maybe I’ll call out. But that won’t solve anything. Also, days off w/o plans go super quickly. So I will not waste another day. I need to get my energy level up.  Oh shoot, forgot to mention my cheap-ass elliptical machine gave out on me. Pissed because it was something I used while I was in front of the TV. I don’t feel like investing in another. I have to find another cool calorie-burner that I can do while being a bum at the same time J

 

Having a moment April 25, 2013

Filed under: Drama — preciouscharlie @ 7:38 pm

…and this too shall pass.

Just trying not to overdo it. Already had a (mighty delicious) Tom Kah soup from the Thai place. This was a result of me being frustrated because it was almost 7PM and the boy was not home with the 2nd grader yet. I was out doing errands…after work, mind you. He was off today. We are hav…ahem *I* am having company tomorrow; my girlfriend is coming up from GA for a visit. The house is a wreck (really it’s not that bad compared to how it COULD look. The boy clogs the tub daily with his hair and never scrubs it. So that’s pretty gross. Then the kitchen needs to be mopped because he likes to spill things and not get it up. Things like that don’t bother him. Besides, he knows I will eventually get tired [of whatever it may be] and cave and clean up behind him.

Speaking of tired, I am exhausted. Physically and mentally. Trying to figure out what my next move is going to be. I took a break from thinking for a while chanting “when you don’t know what to do, do NOTHING.” Okay that was a bust. Doing nothing had got me where I am now. I don’t know. I suppose I convinced myself that me and the boy would work it out and things would be fine. We are civil. We don’t fight. We simply don’t like eachother and that is not how things are supposed to be.

So here I sit. Typing this to stay out of the kitchen. I don’t really want anything. I’m actually full. I just know my patterns and old habits are hard to break. The boy is on the opposite end of the couch snoring away. I guess he didn’t get enough sleep today (note: he’s been asleep all day). The 2nd grader is in the shower. She has a project due on Monday. I have been helping her when I can (between 6 and 8:30 PM after I get out of work, cook dinner, and tend to the house [skipping over the boy's messes of course]). I am a single mom. A single mom with a live-in “babydaddy”…and he’ll turn around and tell me how great of a woman I am and he wants to marry me. Whatevs dude!  For the record, I don’t want to get married…to anyone. He’s just all talk though is my point.

I have homework to do. I should be doing it now. But I am too busy trying to manage my stress level. Little one’s bedtime is 8:30PM. She’s been getting to bed closer to 9:30 this week because I have been trying to help her with her project. Meanwhile *I* get no help…with ANYTHING. I was on my own with her for what, 5+ years? I can do that. I can be alone. But when you move in with someone…correction: I moved in with someone thinking this would be a partnership of sorts. No such luck. He just goes to work, sleeps and eats. He barely pays his share of the bills and does absolutely nothing around the house. I can’t believe I was so close to moving out, but stayed. There is a time when you have to stop thinking with your heart and say eff it and use you HEAD. I KNOW this “relationship” is unhealthy. I know what needs to happen. I just have to DO it.

Our lease is officially up at the end of May. We had at some point decided to move to a more affordable place (yes, together..I know, I KNOW). Nothing panned thus far and that is likely a blessing. But see, I work full time and have been talking about quitting my job so I can go to school full time…and also be here when little one gets home. I miss her.  She’s a pain in my rump, but it sucks not being able to spend time with her except for on the weekends…and I am TIRED on the weekends! All I want to do is rest.

So how am I going to manage to NOT work AND support myself and my child? Welcome to the real world, huh? I am unhappy with my job and want to get the heck out of there. They won’t consider me for part time, because that would simply be too awesome. I am not cut out for “the grind”. I do it because like so many of us, I have to so we can maintain our lifestyle. If I quit, I would be relying on the boy to take care of everything…and he hasn’t given me any real indication that he is capable of that…

Okay, RANT:OFF

I am hearing myself as I write this and I want to slap myself silly! I put myself into this situation though. So I’m thinking part of me is like it HAS TO work. But my goodness, it’s NOT!

Meanwhile, I am delighted to say that I feel a little stronger now. I am so glad I decided to come on here and blog instead of raiding the kitchen! My body has been infected with enough toxins for the night already. I won’t submit it to further torture. I won’t be fair to ME if I go in the kitchen and sabotage all of the hard work I’ve been doing (it’s only been a week, but still ).

I have to go tuck little one in now…

Thanks for “listening” :)

 

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