Finding Me

Okay, this shouldn’t be too hard right? But it took me forever to figure out how to get this far and start writing. I hope it gets easier or I’ll be too stressed to deal with it and I think this could be a big help. : ) Enough whining- get on with it.

Let me start by introducing myself. I’m 45, married, have 2 grown kids that still live at home, work full time (hoping & praying to keep my job!), & I have been overweight pretty much since the age of 6. I want to lose 108 lbs to reach my goal and at the end of February started Weight Watcher’s again at the urging of a friend at work who wanted to go. I have been on WW at least 1/2 dozen times in my life, along with every other diet on the planet, and I know it works if you “work it.” I’m determined to lose this weight but not that you could tell it from the scales lately. I keep going up and down the same 2-3 lbs for 4-5 weeks now. I’m just starting my 15th WW week today and I’ve lost 21 lbs but now keep yo-yoing. I’ve been doing real well about staying positive and reminding myself that I always do this on any diet/program at about this stage, but now I am really starting to get discouraged. I won’t give up though, CAN”T. I see my poor Daddy encouraging me on when I want to give up. I want to be healthy and not become diabetic and suffer the terrible effects to my body that he dealt with.

My biggest problem is that I am and always have been an emotional eater. I am also a binge eater. When I start a binge, I can’t seem to stop. It’s terrible to eat and eat, even shoveling in things you don’t care for, and hate yourself while doing it but still be unable to stop. I feel like an alcoholic or drug addict who has to have that drink/fix, even if it’s mouth wash or rubbing alcohol. What is it in me that makes me different from normal people? I truly love food- the taste, sight, smell of it. I love to cook, love to read cookbooks and try new recipes. But there are times when I feel totally out of control, lose it, and then feel so bad afterwards. There has only been 1 time in my whole life that I remember not using food in that way. I did low carbfor abouta year, lost about 55 lbs and was keeping it off, eating that way had become a habit and I did not crave or think about eating food the way I always had. Then my stepmother died unexpectedly, leaving my father on his own with all his diabetic related health problems. So much food was around during that time, and I just started eating things little by little. Within 6 mths I had gained the weight back and was out of control again. That was about 4 years ago now and I have been on/off low carb, etc. since then. The only thing I was really able to do and stick to was extreme low cal low fat low carb Kimkins. It sounded unhealthy but I convinced myself they were right-it WAS just like gastric bypass patients ate and they seemed to be alright eating like that. I lost about30 lbs in about 30 days & then stopped losing. My hair started to fall out, I was freezing all the time, and I felt terrible. I finally woke up to reality but I think it took my poor body months to feel normal again. Listen to me, “my poor body”! So often  I hate my body and blame it for what I look and feel like. ButI should love it and appreciate all it does for me every day. I should cherish it and treat it well because I have seen up close and personal what happens when you don’t do that. My father and my stepmother were both obese, both became diabetic, both suffered vision, kidney function, and limb loss, and both died way to young. But worse than the physical effects for them were the psychological and emotional aspects of dealing with being so dependent on others to take care of you in your most personal and private needs. When you can’t wipe your own butt or clean yourself, and have to wear diapers at age 58, what does that do to you? When you need someone to help you strap on your artificial leg and get into your wheelchair for the day, what does that do to you? I simply HAVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!! I refuse to let that be my future. I loved them both and tried to care for them and help them any way I could with compassion and empathy. The last thing they would ever want is for me to end up like they did. They both worried about me, my sister, and my daughter, and encouraged us to lose the weight and take care of ourselves before it’s too late. God, please help  me to do this. I’m depending on you and on support from people here to help me be able to this.  With that help I CAN & I WILL!!!