Where do I go from here?
All day I have felt on edge, like I’m about to break into a million pieces. Kind of like really bad PMS, weepy at the drop of a hat-just really miserable. It has not been a good day. BUT, it has not been nearly as bad a day as I thought, at least not for my eating. I feel like I have done nothing but eat all day, but when I actually took time to write things down, it’s not as bad as I thought.I only went over about 4 points and I did get in my fruits and my veggies. I ate too many low point treats like 100 cal. pack of oreos and McDonalds vanilla cone, but it could have been a whole lot worse. That could have been potato chips and candy bars! Anyway, that makes me feel a little better. I did NOT go the meeting I had planned to go to to weigh in this morning. I slept badly last night and ended up oversleeping this morning so didn’t make it on time. That made me feel bad too, but I have to just put it behind me and go on from here. I will be there on Thursday, my regular night and I am determined to get serious. I spent time on the forums earlier reading recent posts, and it has made me really question what I am doing. I feel like I have been too easy on myself and that I need to get serious if I really want to lose this weight. I am still morbidly obese (GOSH,I HATE THOSE WORDS) and I will continue to be until I get on the ball and do what I have to do. It’s so frustrating, I’m so wishy-washy. Sometimes I feel it’s okay to be this way because this is what a lifetime plan will be- ups & downs and all. Other times, I feel like I’m just playing around wasting precious time and that I’d better get serious and quit eating things I know I shouldn’t and making excuses for why I do/did. I’m eating and at the same time I’m berating myself for eating, questioning myself about why I’m really eating, what is it that is really bothering me and making me feel this way. Is it hormonal? Is it something I’m not letting myself feel, and so I’m eating to bury the anger, fear, resentment, whatever “it” is? I don’t KNOW! And it’s driving me crazy. I just want to be able to follow my plans, eat sensibly and lose this weight for good. I want to be normal! I don’t want to spend so much time thinking about food, what I should eat, what I shouldn’t eat, how to lower points in a recipe, what to take for lunch, how to fix something the whole family likes, when to journal and count my points, etc, etc. But those things are not such a big sacrifice. Much better than having to measure my blood sugar several times a day and take shots. People with other health problems have to deal with them and the limitations they impose or the extra time and effort required to stay healthy, or they have to live with the consequences. This is no different. I have to do what I have to do and quit whining about it, or I have to live with the consequences of my actions. Like I remind my kids, “what you sow is what you reap.” I have sowed obesity and all the ugly burdens that come with it. Now I can continue on like I am and know that my future will be a living hell, or I can act like a person with some self control and self love and do what needs to be done to undo some of the damage I have done to my poor body. Am I strong enough to do this? YES. Am I smart enough ? YES. Do I know what to do? YES! So JUST DO IT!!!
June 28th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Oh yes you CAN!
June 29th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Thanks for the encouagement Sunny. I always like to hear from you. Do you have a blog? Do you post under the name “Sunny”? I just got on for a moment before I go for my walk, but I’ll be back on later.