Finding Me

All day I have felt on edge, like I’m about to break into a million pieces. Kind of like really bad PMS, weepy at the drop of a hat-just really miserable. It has not been a good day. BUT, it has not been nearly as bad a day as I thought, at least not for my eating. I feel like I have done nothing but eat all day, but when I actually took time to write things down, it’s not as bad as I thought.I only went over about 4 points and I did get in my fruits and my veggies. I ate too many low point treats like 100 cal. pack of oreos and McDonalds vanilla cone, but it could have been a whole lot worse. That could have been potato chips and candy bars! Anyway, that makes me feel a little better. I did NOT go the meeting I had planned to go to to weigh in this morning. I slept badly last night and ended up oversleeping this morning so didn’t make it on time. That made me feel bad too, but I have to just put it behind me and go on from here. I will be there on Thursday, my regular night and I am determined to get serious. I spent time on the forums earlier reading recent posts, and it has made me really question what I am doing. I feel like I have been too easy on myself and that I need to get serious if I really want to lose this weight. I am still morbidly obese (GOSH,I HATE THOSE WORDS) and I will continue to be until I get on the ball and do what I have to do. It’s so frustrating, I’m so wishy-washy. Sometimes I feel it’s okay to be this way because this is what a lifetime plan will be- ups & downs and all. Other times, I feel like I’m just playing around wasting precious time and that I’d better get serious and quit eating things I know I shouldn’t and making excuses for why I do/did. I’m eating and at the same time I’m berating myself for eating, questioning myself about why I’m really eating, what is it that is really bothering me and making me feel this way. Is it hormonal? Is it something I’m not letting myself feel, and so I’m eating to bury the anger, fear, resentment, whatever “it” is? I don’t KNOW! And it’s driving me crazy. I just want to be able to follow my plans, eat sensibly and lose this weight for good. I want to be normal! I don’t want to spend so much time thinking about food, what I should eat, what I shouldn’t eat, how to lower points in a recipe, what to take for lunch, how to fix something the whole family likes, when to journal and count my points, etc, etc. But those things are not such a big sacrifice. Much better than having to measure my blood sugar several times a day and take shots. People with other health problems have to deal with them and the limitations they impose or the extra time and effort required to stay healthy, or they have to live with the consequences. This is no different. I have to do what I have to do and quit whining about it, or I have to live with the consequences of my actions. Like I remind my kids, “what you sow is what you reap.” I have sowed obesity and all the ugly burdens that come with it. Now I can continue on like I am and know that my future will be a living hell, or I can act like a person with some self control and self love and do what needs to be done to undo some of the damage I have done to my poor body. Am I strong enough to do this? YES. Am I smart enough ? YES. Do I know what to do? YES! So JUST DO IT!!!

Okay, today has been okay. Not been making good food choices the last couple of days and have gone way over my points because of eating high point things. Out to sabatage myself again?? But today has been better and I just came back from a 1 1/2 mike walk. DH & I are bickering, I don’t know why. He thinks it’s me & I think it’s him naturally. I feel so on edge and so tired most of the time. Maybe if I could actually get a good nights sleep, I’d feel better. Can’t go to WI this week at least not at our regular time. Our president retirment party is that evening and I am on the committee to help set up & clean up. It’s gonna be in the evening from 6-8, so I;ll be at work from 7:30 am til about 9:30 that night. I’m not looking forward to it & I find myself feeling resentful that we have to do it. I don’t like feeling that way. He’s a good guy & we’ll miss him. I just wish they had left it for the original daytime hours. But it was not convenient for his family. so now it gets to be inconvenient for us. I’ll have to find some meeting to go to so I can at least weigh in. I’m afraid that if I miss 1 week, it’ll start me off on skipping & then I’d soon quit. Can’t do that, WON’T do that! Just keep going Rhonda, one day at a time. Please Lord, help me to stay on track and treat my body as what it is-something that belongs to You, that was given to me to care for for a little while. ‘Til next time.

Tonight was weigh in and I lost 3.2 lbs! I’m at a total of 24. 2, so less than 5 lbs to get to my 10%. I got my clapping hand charm because I just finished my 16th week. I can’t wait to get my 10% award. Now if I can just sustain this new momentum. I’m being careful to track everything even if I didn’t do well.  Still afraid to start walking again because of my back but I have been doing a lot of arm work with the 3 lb weights. Kayla took a picture of me to show me the comparison to my beginning “before” picture. They’re on her digital camera so I can’t really see them side by side. She says there is a big difference between the 2 but I was disappointed. I still looked huge, especialy my torso. But then, even though I feel smaller and know I am because I’m fitting into things that had been too tight, I remind myself that I still weigh 272 lbs!!!! No wonder I look big- that IS big. I remember being 19 and being mortified that I weighed 226. What I wouldn’t give to be back at 226 right now! But I’ll get there, even if it’s slowly but surely. I miss the days when I could lose 20lbs in a month, but I tell myself it’s better for me to lose it slowly like this. Gives me time to adjust as I go along and gets the good habits ingrained in me hopefully.

When I went to the doctor we talked about what my ultimate goal would be. I told him my initial goal is to get under 235, because I have not been below that # since I had my first child, who will be 23 tomorrow! And that my ultimate goal was 188. I have a large frame and even though I’m only 5′6, that’s about a size 12 for me.  He had some little gadget he used to figure BMI and other stuff and it said 187 was a reasonable goal for me. I think that gadget said that would be a BMI of 30, but those formulas don’t really take into account different builds. I was about that weight when I got married 25 years ago, so even if it takes me a long time to get there, that’s okay. I’m going to enjoy the journey and take one day at a time.

Now I have to do goog thru the weekend. I love having Fridays off in the summer but know that being at home an extra day can throw me off track if I let it. Hopefully I’ll have one of those good energetic weekends where I get a lot done, rather than one of those that is lazy, bored and eating too much. I can do this-just take it day by day and pray!

I was supposed to go tomorrow for blood work, but they called and asked me to reschedule. That’s good and bad because I was dreading  the blood sugar results but I really do need to know if it is high, so I can adjust what I am eating to make it better. Try not to worry, remember-one day at a time is the only way to go-don’t borrow trouble from tomorrow, today has enough of its own.

Oh well, let me sign off and go read thru the forums before it gets any later!! Bye for now.

Okay, last night was WI. I Lost 1.6 lbs which brings me back to my total from 1 month ago of 21 lbs lost. : ) Maybe the spell is broken and now I’ll go forward past that magic “21″. I had a Dr. appt today to renew my BP prescription. My doctor is very overweight & has been battling his weight most of his life. We talked about my goals and about WW (his wife is going to meetings.) I hate going to a doctor anytime and only go when I have to, but at least he is someone who understands the neverending battle to lose and then maintain weight loss. I have to go in next Friday for blood work for cholesterol and blood sugar. They haven’t been checked since i was scheduled for surgery years ago and because of my family history and  the fact that I’m overweight and 45 now, he wants to make sure they are okay. I don’t really care about the cholesterol but the blood sugar worries me because of the whole diabetes thing. Anytime I am extra thirsty or have to pee alot or have any other symptoms of diabetes, I kinda panic! But, I’m gonna keep on with my “one day at a time theme” and try to get thru each day on track and taking care of myself.

I am proud of something I did this past week- we were having a surprise going-away party for my supervisor Thursday and they cooked burgers and hotdogs on the grill, with sides of pasta salad, baked beans, chips, cake, etc.  I thought ahead and brought my Bocca burgers, 1 point buns, LF cheese and baked chips. I asked the guys cooking if I could just slip my veggie burgers on the grill (I brought 2 so I had an extra for lunch the next day!) They didn’t mind at all and even made sure that I’d get them when they were all brought in. I ate my food (looked like everyone else’s) and was satisfied and happy. They had 2 beatifully decorated cakes that didn’t temp me at all  cause I figure cake is something I can get pretty much anytime if I want it. BUT- the wife of 1 of the guys had made homemade blueberry cobbler and apple cobbler that smelled and looked fantastic. I took about 2 tsp. of each and enjoyed them very much. I was satisfied without going back for more and didn’t feel deprived at all. I felt like I actually used  some the knowledge I have filed in my brain about how to deal with situations like that and stay on track.  : ) If you do something long enough it becomes a habit, so if I actually put the lessons learned  to use, I have to succeed right?!

I wish I had high speed internet out here in the sticks so it was easier to get online. I’m not able to get on nearly as much as I’d like and it does help to read the boards and visit with others. But things are going well in general, so I’ll keep praying and tracking and trying to take care of me. After all, this is the only me I have and I only have me once!

I saw this line yesterday on an email I got at work and liked it a lot, maybe I can remember it correctly-

   “You can’t control when you die or how, you can only control how you live.”  Joan Baez

Bye for now!

Thank you for the kind words. It took me this long to figure out how to get back in to post again! Oh well, I’ll catch on eventually. I love this site and all the wonderful people on it. It’s definitely gonna help me stay on track. Now about that…

I went to WI Thursday night & had gained 1 lb. No surprise there, I thought it would be more than a lb. But as I talked to a couple of people, I told them I was starting to get discouraged this time. I’ve been hanging in real good, but the doubts are trying to attack me. They were so good, talking to me about how well I’ve done and how far I’ve come (1 has lost 100 lbs!) and that I can do this. They both suggested that it might help jumpstart me again if I had a day where I ate higher cal/fat and didn’t worry about counting points (but still record everything.) Of course you have to make sure you get right back on track afterwards, that’s the scary part for someone like me. So I did it the following day-we’ll so what happens. I’m happy to say I did get right back on track Saturday and I felt pretty sick Frdiay after eating that large McD. fries I thought I wanted.Yesterday and today have been full of fresh fruits and veggies and my body feels much better. I realize that I might still show another gain by next Thursday because of this “Free” day, but I also know that simular cycling has helped me in the past. It does help so much to have others cheer you on, that’s why people get so much from sites like this. I want this blog to be a record for me, reminding me and anyone who might read it that we are not perfect, we have bad days/weeks, but as long as we keep getting up and starting again, we will eventually reach our destination. 

Now, speaking of fresh fruits/veggies, I’m making a huge effort to keep lots of different fruits on hand, not just my usual apples, oranges, grapes and bananas, but kiwi, cherries, watermelon, blueberries, etc. I’ve also been bad in the past about keeping the fruits in the veg. bins out of sight, so we forget them and I end up throwing them out. So I’ve been cutting some up and keeping a big fresh fruit salad in a pretty clear glass bowel in the fridge. Everybody seems to be enjoying it & that’s good. I have some with yogurt and Fiber 1, or just a serving of the fruit and it’s great AND pretty to look at. In the past, I would have told myself that I couldn’t afford all that extra fruit, but I have to remind me that this weightloss is worth the time and money, and that my whole family benefits from these food and from ME getting healthy! And I shop around for sales! ;) I’m also very fortunate that my farm boy DH loves to garden and we are now getting tons of fresh squash and zucchini. Cucmbers are just starting to get big and we’ll soon have potatoes, snap beans and butterbeans (plus tomatoes, which I still can’t eat raw.)  I love the squash cut up and “fried” with onion and a little of my Hormel 50% less fat bacon bits. I also love the fact that I can eat those baby red potatoes after low carbing so long. Last night I mixed in a couple of cups of brwon rice into the squash & onions and everybody loved it. We ate the leftovers for dinner today. Thank You Lord for this good fresh food that’s so good for us!

I’m still trying to do good with journaling everything. Even my free day. It was 50 points!!!! I couldn’t help but figure them. Not because I ate so much more, but because it was high cal/fat foods. I got another copy of my week 1 book (I had lost mine and never read the whole thing) and I think going over the basics again was just what I needed. I have to remember that it’s not just staying within my points range, but it’s WHAT I’m eating as well. I need to make sure I eat all my “guide to health” foods first and then use any extra points for treats, not the other way around!

I have made up my mind that I’m not going to worry about losing my job because of the state budget crisis. I’m not going to worry about what my barely adult children are doing or not doing that I have no control over. I’m not going to worry about whether or not I can keep the weight off this time when I lose it. I’m not even going to worry about following my plan tomorrow. Instead, I’m going to focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Jesus said don’t worry about tomorrow, today has enough troubles of its own. So I’ll pray for today, to get thru it as I need to, and to trust in God to take care of tomorrow, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. I can do this 1 day at a time, 1 hour at a time if necessary, with the help of God and the wonderful people He has put in my path.

Okay, this shouldn’t be too hard right? But it took me forever to figure out how to get this far and start writing. I hope it gets easier or I’ll be too stressed to deal with it and I think this could be a big help. : ) Enough whining- get on with it.

Let me start by introducing myself. I’m 45, married, have 2 grown kids that still live at home, work full time (hoping & praying to keep my job!), & I have been overweight pretty much since the age of 6. I want to lose 108 lbs to reach my goal and at the end of February started Weight Watcher’s again at the urging of a friend at work who wanted to go. I have been on WW at least 1/2 dozen times in my life, along with every other diet on the planet, and I know it works if you “work it.” I’m determined to lose this weight but not that you could tell it from the scales lately. I keep going up and down the same 2-3 lbs for 4-5 weeks now. I’m just starting my 15th WW week today and I’ve lost 21 lbs but now keep yo-yoing. I’ve been doing real well about staying positive and reminding myself that I always do this on any diet/program at about this stage, but now I am really starting to get discouraged. I won’t give up though, CAN”T. I see my poor Daddy encouraging me on when I want to give up. I want to be healthy and not become diabetic and suffer the terrible effects to my body that he dealt with.

My biggest problem is that I am and always have been an emotional eater. I am also a binge eater. When I start a binge, I can’t seem to stop. It’s terrible to eat and eat, even shoveling in things you don’t care for, and hate yourself while doing it but still be unable to stop. I feel like an alcoholic or drug addict who has to have that drink/fix, even if it’s mouth wash or rubbing alcohol. What is it in me that makes me different from normal people? I truly love food- the taste, sight, smell of it. I love to cook, love to read cookbooks and try new recipes. But there are times when I feel totally out of control, lose it, and then feel so bad afterwards. There has only been 1 time in my whole life that I remember not using food in that way. I did low carbfor abouta year, lost about 55 lbs and was keeping it off, eating that way had become a habit and I did not crave or think about eating food the way I always had. Then my stepmother died unexpectedly, leaving my father on his own with all his diabetic related health problems. So much food was around during that time, and I just started eating things little by little. Within 6 mths I had gained the weight back and was out of control again. That was about 4 years ago now and I have been on/off low carb, etc. since then. The only thing I was really able to do and stick to was extreme low cal low fat low carb Kimkins. It sounded unhealthy but I convinced myself they were right-it WAS just like gastric bypass patients ate and they seemed to be alright eating like that. I lost about30 lbs in about 30 days & then stopped losing. My hair started to fall out, I was freezing all the time, and I felt terrible. I finally woke up to reality but I think it took my poor body months to feel normal again. Listen to me, “my poor body”! So often  I hate my body and blame it for what I look and feel like. ButI should love it and appreciate all it does for me every day. I should cherish it and treat it well because I have seen up close and personal what happens when you don’t do that. My father and my stepmother were both obese, both became diabetic, both suffered vision, kidney function, and limb loss, and both died way to young. But worse than the physical effects for them were the psychological and emotional aspects of dealing with being so dependent on others to take care of you in your most personal and private needs. When you can’t wipe your own butt or clean yourself, and have to wear diapers at age 58, what does that do to you? When you need someone to help you strap on your artificial leg and get into your wheelchair for the day, what does that do to you? I simply HAVE TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT!!! I refuse to let that be my future. I loved them both and tried to care for them and help them any way I could with compassion and empathy. The last thing they would ever want is for me to end up like they did. They both worried about me, my sister, and my daughter, and encouraged us to lose the weight and take care of ourselves before it’s too late. God, please help  me to do this. I’m depending on you and on support from people here to help me be able to this.  With that help I CAN & I WILL!!!