Today, I went to the gym, and did all of the machines as well as 33 minutes on the elliptical machine. Go Me!I My goal is to get up to 45 minutes. I get very obsessed with the numbers on the cardio machines. Five minutes feels like ten when you just stare at the seconds ticking by on the clock. I did get to try out my new ipod while working out. I have never had one before. It is a really cool gadget, and believe it or not, it actually helped the time go by for me. I just loaded it with all the songs I could think of that get me going. I am so eclectic in my music that there was an array of various stuff. If one song was not doing it for me, I found one that did. It really helped the last 10 minutes on cardio.

   I truly HATE to exercise! It is so unpleasant to me in every way! It is also very hard on me because of my size. It takes so much energy just to do it, and I’m so ashamed of that! I should have never let myself get so out of shape. I hurt now as a result! lol But I did it, and I will go back on Thursday and do it again. This time, though, I’ll go longer…even if only by a few minutes. This is me trying to use the power of positive thinking lol

   I did okay on the eating stuff too, but there is lots of room for improvment. Im trying to change up my household food items to more healthy stuff. My husband is thin, and neither of my kids seem to have a weight issue. Therefor, I still have to keep some junk in the house for them. The target foods that seem to set me off into an eating bindge are gone though. Right now, it is out of site, out of mind for me. I am trying to educatte myself on new ways eat healthy. Luckily, my husband is very supportive of my attempts, and has agreed to  experiment with new types of foods, and low calorie meals. www.allrecipes.com  has an awesome section dedicated to healthy stuff. I was blown away at how yummy some of that stuff sounded. This is going to be a good learning experience for me as a cook as well because I have never experimented with things like that. I am also buying things for me like turkey bacon, skim milk, ground turkey and pork (and less red meat), and v8 fruit fushion lite juice because it is suppossed to have a full serving of fruit and vegetables in an 8 oz glass. I drink a glass in the morning so I can start out my system with the good stuff. I does kind of have a weird after-taste though.

   Anyhow, thats about it for now. I will weigh myself in 2 weeks, and plan to see some results!

The fear

   I think being obese in addition to living a pretty unhealthy lifestyle is turning me into a hypochondriac. We all know that overweight people top the list for a number of health problems. some life threatening such as heart attack, diabetes, stroke, etc… The list goes on and on. I am fat not stupid. I realize 305 pounds is a very bad place to be. I am, now, literally at a point where I feel the worst is coming if I do not change my ways. The fear takes over my brain, and the even the slightest chest pain sends me into a state of panic. Then, of course, I get on symptom checker, where I get even more freaked out when a really serious issue pops up as a result of my symptoms. I HATE feeling this way! With two beautiful daughters and a husband who count heavily on me, I find myself obsessed with the fear of not being around for them.

    These fears are with me every second of every day. Eating away at my sanity at times. I am walking myself right into my own death, and I now is the time to change that! This fear that has me terrified and ashamed is a sub conscience message to head down a new path. Reteach myself a way to live healthy and be emotionally content doing so.

So today, I vow to change! I will put down my cigarettes, and say NO MORE! I will utilize my gym membership even when I don’t feel like going! I will change the way I eat, and the way I look at food. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed…especially if you don’t do the right things today!

Here’s the deal…

I am Christine. I’m a 30 year old wife and mother of two young daughters. I am 5 feet 6 inches tall and weigh 305 pounds. My weight has been a constant issue in my life. There has never been a time that I can remember when I was not held back because of my size. It has caused severe problems with me both mentally and physically. I have now reached a point in my life where I can no longer afford to ignore this problem. This is my blog where I will be talking about anything and everything related to the my struggles to drop the pounds.