Still Hanging In

September 11th, 2009

I know that I haven’t written in ages. I’ve been a bit distracted trying to learn how to be a Starbucks barista. The job is actually going really well. There’s a ton of stuff to learn, but the people there have been great at helping and teaching me the ropes. I think I will really enjoy it once I’m no longer the newbie in town. I sure hope so because I don’t want to get another job and be another newbie. Very stressful for me!

 

My weight has been another stressful issue for me. I seem to be stuck between 241 and 243 lbs and I’m sick of it. I think I’m eating closer to maintenance and not dropping the calories enough to get things moving. I plan to change that starting today. I’m going to drop my calories to 1400 and see what happens.

 

I haven’t been exercising to the level I was before starting Starbucks, and of course, the temptation to drink coffee all day might not be helping me either. Then there is the hormonal issue, which might have something to do with me not losing. Joe went and bought me a book on menopause. It’s depressing but it could be time to start thinking about that new chapter in my life.

 

Whatever the excuses are I have to fix it. I also have to fix my mental. I realized last night that I’m just not that gun-ho like I was when I re-started in June. For a long while weight loss was the most important and exciting thing going and now it’s become a chore that I really don’t want to do. That is dangerous for me and I have to get my excitement back.

 

It’s getting cooler and I WANT to wear the winter clothes hanging in my closest! I want to look great at work in my uniform. I want to be able to be comfortable when naked with Joe. Uggg so many wants. It’s time to kick it in gear and get this body going in the right direction again.

 

I’m off to the gym!

A very good week

August 13th, 2009

So, I finally had a good week. Funny how sticking to your calorie allotment, exercising, and sensible planning while eating out will actually result in weight loss. I went to TOPS and recorded a 5.4 lb loss. That puts me at 245.9 lbs, which is 14.7 lbs loss to date. I was happy to see that kind of loss after being so frustrated for the last month.

I plan to continue with the 1500 calories a day and not going over 1600. I also plan to not having anymore “free” days where calories don’t matter. That is bull-larkey and I’m not going to do that to myself. We ate out twice this week at Jason’s Deli and I made sure that they calories were within my plan.

I think my groin pull is under control and I can now be back on the treadmill everyday. Today I had the incline up to 3 and was going at 3.4 mph for at least 20 minutes. I did 2.25 miles today and one on the Elliptical.

So Melissa at Starbucks called me. FINALLY!!! I start my new job at Bux on Monday at 3:30pm. I’m so excited! And a little nervous, but I’m really trying not to let that get to me. I know I will do a great job and it’s so wonderful to finally get my foot in the door after all the networking I’ve done the last three years to get hired there. Sure hope I like it! LOL

I went and bought a new pair of black pants to work in last night. They were a size 18 and fit very comfortably. I’m heading downward! I looked around Kohls a bit and thought how much I would like to shop there once I reach goal. There is a whole world of clothing that I can’t wait to try on and wear.

I’ll write again soon, but right now I got an orchid that needs transplanting. *smiles*

Coming Clean

August 6th, 2009

I weighed 250 on July 13th and for the last three and half weeks I’ve been ranging between 250 and 247. Three freaking weeks of this yo-yo crap!! I’m sick of it and I have no one to blame but myself. This last Tuesday at TOPS I even managed to gain a pound thanks to two days of eating way out of my calorie allotment and ovulating. I weighed 251.3 and I wanted to punch myself in the face.

 

However, I know that self-loathing is nothing but a trap that will continue to spire me out of control. That can’t happen…I won’t let it happen. I had a good talking to myself, and then a heart-to-heart with Joe where I told him that I have to change what I’m doing.

 

It keeps coming back to the same old excuses where I feel that I can’t be deprived from the precious whatever I currently want to shove in my mouth. In spite of my deep desire to get this weight off, and my promise to Joe and myself that I will get this weight off I still keep allowing food to dictate to me my behavior. So not acceptable.

 

This requires action and a new dedication to my goals. Good grief it’s only food!! What is the huge issue?? It’s not like I can’t ever have a piece of cheesecake the rest of my life. It means I can’t have a piece of cheesecake while I’m working my butt off to lose my weight. Why can’t I get that simple concept through my thick skull?

 

So, a new beginning has been declared. I’m on a challenge this week to keep my calories at 1500 or under no matter what. I plan to stick to this challenge every week until goal is met. There will come times when I have to eat out, but I can plan for it and not get myself in a snit because I can’t eat 1000 calories at some restaurant that doesn’t even cook as well as I do. I will continue my exercising and to push myself as my body allows. I will also continue to journal and stay mindful of my emotions so that my emotions cannot control me. I’ve said it before but I will say it to myself one more time…..GET THE WEIGHT OFF!!!!!             

 

I have things to do with my life. I’m about to start Starbucks in the next two weeks and I am so pissed that I will be the fattest girl there. I can’t stay the fattest girl if I plan to impress people and move up the ladder to get my own store in the couple of years. I’m 43 years old and having excess weight attached to me is not going to help me in the slightest and will probably keep me from fulfilling my goals. Unacceptable!!

 

I want to marry Joe. I want that more than anything in the whole world, and it will not happen as long as I can’t get my weight under control so that I’m fit and healthy. This is a promise I made him over 4 years ago and he is still waiting for me to do what I said I would do. Actions mean everything to him and I have failed shamelessly. By the grace of God, he still loves and believes in me. How can any kind of food ever compete with that? Yet, I allow it to. Unacceptable!!

 

I know I’ve been harsh with myself. Tough! I deserve it. It is only through getting mad and determine that I will be able to get a hold of myself and do what I know needs to be done. I read the success stories on 3FC everyday. I see the women losing weight and the joy that it brings them. I want that to be me!!

 

IT WILL BE ME!!

Checking in

July 29th, 2009

Sheesh, it’s been three weeks since I’ve written. I have to make this a priority! Things are going OK. I weighed in at TOPS last night at 250.3 lbs. That is a little over 10 lbs weight loss since I started 7 weeks ago. Yes, it should be more, but it could be worse.

 

The problem of course is my eating out. We ate out last week three times. And not anything I can brag about. Ohhhhh no!! We had calzones at Fernando’s, lunch at Zaxby’s, and dinner at Five Guys. The fact that I still pulled off .08 lbs is a miracle. We have also discovered a love for Starbucks light Frappuccino, which are not bad calorie wise, but still not a good thing to overly indulge in every single day.

 

So, last night we discussed that I’ve got to stop all the eating out, which is funny considering tonight we are going out with Joe’s doctor and his wife to dinner at a very nice restaurant that is not going to have one thing calorie smart on the menu. However, I did say that I would have one free meal a week, so this will be OK. I just can’t go crazy this Sunday at the anniversary party I’m attending. I can do it!!

 

Exercise is going very well. I had to take off over a week on the treadmill due to my stupid groin pull, but have slowly started adding it back in this week with no bad affects. I’ve logged in over a 100 miles in the last three weeks and am really proud of that fact. My body is starting to show the positive effects of working out and I’m loving it!

 

This love affair I have with eating is so crazy when I so desperately want to be thin and fit. I long for the day that I can wear cute clothes and feel sexy and pretty. I so want Joe proud of me. Oh, I know he is proud of me and thinks I’m beautiful, but that isn’t the point. I need to do this for him and for myself. I deserve it and I want it!

 

So in closing, I will stay focused and have a good week. I will not let food or poor choices control my actions. I will make a plan of attack and do it!

Still hanging in there

July 9th, 2009

I guess I should update this Blog thingy since I said I would stay committed to actually using it. I didn’t write after my TOPS meeting on June 30th because I was so mad that I had a one-pound gain. It was a bogus pound because it was right back off the next morning, but of course the damage was done and red ink is now in my weight book. Whatever!! I’ve moved past that hurdle and this week when I did my weigh-in, I was down 1.8 lbs.

 

I’ve taken to weighing myself on my scales every morning after using the potty and before putting on clothes. I’m entering the weight into my Fitday program. Since joining TOPS my scales has been almost dead on consistent with the TOPS scales. However, this week when I left for TOPS I really believed I was going to show at least a 3 lb loss, but their scale only should the 1.8. I know, I know I cannot obsess over a couple of pounds! It’s just that I want this weight off and I want those numbers to go down. FAST!!!!

 

I’ve been doing so well at the gym that I manage to pull the heck out of my hamstring. So, I took today off in hopes that it will heal itself so I can get back to the gym. Last week I recorded 23.5 miles of treadmill and elliptical cardio. I wanted to hit 25 miles this week but the hamstring pull as shown me the errors of my over-zealous ways and I will calm down and stop hurting myself. Plus, it’s not fun to be lectured by my sweet Joe every freaking day. *smiles*

 

My eating has been really great. I’ve so embraced healthy eating and have been amazed at how often I crave healthy food. We did go to Ben & Jerry’s on Tuesday night after TOPS. Joe said that I could have a treat on the days that I lose at TOPS and I choose ice cream. Granted B & J wasn’t the wisest choice I could have made for a treat. The sundae of two different types of super yummy ice cream, hot fudge, whipped cream, and lots of chopped walnuts was incredibly high in calories. Not to mention the sugar rush was pretty intense, and we both felt like crap yesterday because of it. My weight was actually down the next morning but this was because I had exercised like crazy Tuesday morning and had practically starved all day for the meeting. The ice cream was my dinner, so while I went over my daily calories I didn’t pay the price for it.

 

I know that to be successful with this lifestyle change I have to be realistic that there are going to be times I will over-indulge in things that are completely void of nutrition. However, a one shot extravagance into calorie over-load is not an excuse to blow the day. But I really do want to keep those extravagances down to the minimum so I need to think of better treats than ice cream. Hmm?

 

Now onto other news: Yesterday, I went to April and she cut all my hair off. I mean it’s freaking short, short, short!!! Hangs in a layer bob right to the bottom of my chin. I’ve never had my hair this short and it’s still freaking me out a little. Joe says that it looks really cute and that I look younger. I’m all for that of course. I do like it and I know that once my face slims down some more I will like it even more. I did it for when I start work at Starbucks. This way I won’t have to pull it back and can keep it looking neat and cute.

 

I’ll write again soon. Hopefully with lower weight and a new job to talk about. *Grins*

The First Week

June 24th, 2009

I’m calling it the first week because I’m going to go by my weigh-in schedule at TOPS. So, last night I went to the meeting and weighed in. I’m very happy to report that I lost 3.5 lbs, which puts me at 257.1.

 

I was one of the top winners (they have two winners per meeting) and I wore a sparkly tiara and had a lovely song sung to me. I was so happy to have done so well. Of course, I had worked my butt off this last week. I kept my calories right at 1500 every day and did 6 days of cardio (at least an hour). We didn’t eat out one time and neither of us missed that because of how terrific I’m cooking lately.

 

Last weeks menu consisted of spinach and cheese stuffed chicken, stuffed peppers, Buffalo chicken wraps, and steak and salad. I love coming up with new ideas and finding new recipes. This week, I’m making pizza meatloaf and lemon-basil chicken as the new items to add to my ever-growing cookbook of low calorie, healthy, and tasty dishes.

 

I’m thinking about starting a section in my Blog for recipes. Maybe others like me are searching for new things to cook and I know I can provide some great recipes. At least Joe and I think they are great. LOL.

 

In other news, it is hot as blazes here! I hardly want to go out and do anything. We went to Kroger’s this morning for fresh veggies and to Starbucks for an iced coffee. I saw Melissa there, who will be my boss just as soon as she puts me on the schedule. Looks like I will be working at Bux sometime in the middle of July. I’m very excited and even more determine to drop as many pounds as possible.

Soul Searching

June 18th, 2009

Today is going really great. I did my first 90 minute workout this morning. 45 min. on the elliptical and 45 min. on the treadmill. I’m so proud of myself for sticking it out and plan to do it again tomorrow. My weight was down to 255.0 this morning. That thrilled me. I’ve decided to not change my ticker on 3FC until after my Tuesday TOPS weigh-in. Joe and I talked about it and agree that keeping things simple is smart for me. Can’t forget that I’ll be back to working next month and won’t have as much time to devote to record keeping. It’s enough that I know I’m losing!!

My calories have been spot on so far this week. I’ve taken the under 1500 calorie challenge from TOPS and so far so good. Yesterday, I did 1499 and today I’m at 1502. Dang those 2 calories!!! LOL. Anyway, I see that it’s doable as long as I’m VERY careful with what I put in my mouth.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching about the reasons why I’ve let myself remain fat for so many years. I don’t know if I have any real answers, but I do wonder if it’s because some part of me just doesn’t believe I deserve it. Sure I love food and eating, but that doesn’t explain why I get so out of control and abuse my body like I do. When I’m out of control with my eating, I spend so much energy berating myself for being worthless and pathectic. I know this is detrimental to success, yet I’ve allowed it to happen time and time over the years.

These last few weeks (not counting vacation week where I blew it big time), I’ve been so postive and proud of myself for keeping strong with my exercise and eating. I go to bed at night and there is no non-vocal tongue lashing being given to me, by me. Instead I lay there feeling happy and excited for the next day to begin so I can do well and make progress.

I don’t know how to explain it, but I think this time I really might succeed. I’m starting to believe that I can do this! I know it has to be done. I can’t keep using life as an excuse and I know that Joe isn’t going to let me get away with doing that, even though he has also used it as my excuse. Work, Alisha, life’s stresses are not good enough reasons to not do what is right for my body and soul.  

I spent a lot of time this morning while I was working out trying to visualize myself as a thin woman. I know exactly what I look as a fat woman and have even exaggerated that in my own mind until I’ve created a mental and distorted image of someone truly grotesque. Of course, I know this isn’t true. Joe has taught me that I’m a pretty girl with a great body that would be even greater at a healthy weight. Joe’s image of me and mine own twisted image have often confused me. I know what he says is true, so therefore that has to mean what I think of myself is wrong. I have to change my twisted thinking and I will!!

Joined TOPS…..again

June 16th, 2009

Tonight I joined TOPS because I know that having the accountability of a weekly weigh-in and the support from other people is vital to my success. The group is large, outgoing, and very welcoming. They have a digital scale, which is much nicer than those other types. My first weigh-in was…….260.6 lbs. DISGUSTING!!!! Of course telling Joe the horrendously huge number was awful and he was shocked, but of course so supportive and encouraging that I will get the weight off. And I WILL!!!

So, I think I will like this group. They meet on Tuesday nights with a long weigh-in time due to the amount of members (over 50) and then an hour meeting. They started a new contest tonight that I plan on winning, and I brought home a little stuffed cat (they have this basket full of stuffed animals with different instructions attached) with a tag that said I’m to stay below 1500 calories a week. That will be hard since I seem to be manging between 1600 and 1700 a day. But, I plan on working really hard at it because I want my next weigh to be fabulous!

I had a good day with my eating. Made my pita pizza and realized that the Italian sausage needs to be cut way back in mine to keep the calories and fat grams in check. I had a great workout this morning doing an hour and 15 minutes on the elliptical and treadmill. Joe got out his free weights for me and I plan to start working on my arms and upper body.

I feel really great and optimistic.

OK, I decided to start a blog so that I can track my successful weight-loss journey, which has now begun. I have started this journey more times than I can remember and have made a few successes along the way, only to back track and end up worse off than ever. Yes, I’m disgusted, disgruntled, and wholly ashamed of myself. Sure there are a slew of excuses, and I guess some valid reasons, as to why I  weigh what I do, but truth be told it just doesn’t cut it anymore. I HAVE to get this weight off!! NOW!!

This morning I wrote a post on 3FC about what my reasons are for losing weight. This is what I said:

I want to lose this weight more than anything first and foremost so I can stop talking about losing weight. My God, I’ve been going on about losing weight since I was 13 years old and here I am at 43 and fatter than I’ve ever been. It’s ridiculous!

I want the imagine I have in my head to fit the reality.
I want to look sexy in Victoria Secret clothes
I want to be healthy and not be diabetic like my mother and others in my family are.
I want to be able to do things outside like hiking, biking, and swimming
I want to tuck a shirt in, wear something sleeveless, actually go out in public wearing shorts, put on a swimsuit, sexy lingerie, high heels, etc!
I want to be naked while not sucking my stomach in. As if that helps anyway.
I want family and friends to be wowed by my hotness.

Finally, I want to do this for the love of my life, Joe. Joe has accepted me, loved me, encouraged me, and believed in me. All he asked when we got together three years ago was that I get fit and healthy so we can live a long life together. I HAVE to make that happen for him!

So, that is a lot of really good reasons and there is not one single reason why I should still be, or remain, fat. Here is what I’m doing right now to get my ass in shape…and smaller:
  • I’m working out at the gym five days a week for an hour of cardio and plan to up that to six days a week. I’m developing my own cookbook filled with healthy, low-calorie recipes to feed Joe and I.
  • I’ve rejoined 3FC and am working on becoming a regular poster and reader of all the great advice and encouragement to be found on that site.
  • Tomorrow night I plan to rejoin TOPS where weekly weigh-ins will provide the necessary accountability I separately need.
  • I started this blog and vow to write in it regularly and to be honest with my feelings be they successes or setbacks.
Tomorrow after TOPS I will come and give the stats on my weight. I want that to be my official weigh-in day. Plus, I need to come clean with how bad it is before the progress of losing can begin.
Please God, let me lose this excess weight once and for all.