So last night I broke a rule - I ate at night. It wasn’t a binge - I only had a small cup of chili - but still, I should know better. I didn’t feel disgusting after I ate the chili, though. I felt comfortably full. It could have been a whole lot worse too because I was DYING for something junky last night, like a Chic Fil A sandwich with craploads of mayo. But I totally resisted all urges even though I live right near it!

My problem right now is forcing myself to eat on somewhat of a schedule instead of just when I feel hungry. Right now it seems I only feel truly hungry at around 1-2PM and 7-9PM, and it just seems so unnatural at the time to force myself to eat when I don’t feel like it. I like the feeling of lightness that comes from not eating all day, but then I always pig out at dinner since it’s usually all I’ll eat. It’s just something to get used to, though. My eating patterns have been total BS lately.

I’m doing a lot better since I first started the blog, though. I haven’t eaten anything shameful, or binged, or ate more than I needed to. LOL, well, okay. Maybe I had a drinking binge, but that’s overwith now. For lunch today I had half a sandwich (turkey breast and tomato on a slice of 12-grain), a pickle spear, and an apple. I didn’t do breakfast…I know, BAD! But I bought some whole grain bagels today, and I’ll definitely be a lot more willing to eat breakfast if there’s a bagel in the deal. I’ll probably just eat half a toasted bagel and a little bit of yogurt in the morning, or maybe some fruit or a poached egg instead of the yogurt (hard boiled eggs make me GAG, ugh, I cannot stand eggs usually).

As far as excersize goes…ummmm, we’ll see about that. I definitely know what I need to do in the gym, I’ve done it all before, but I’m just waiting on that for now. I’ve been out walking longer with the dog, taking the ipod with us and walking all through the park I live next to. Also, I got on a waiting list to get those Sketchers Shape-Ups so walking will a lot more of a workout than it normally is…they’ve been advertising the damn things for months and months now and I guess they just recently came out - and you can only get them online. They’re really playing the limited supply game to the hilt with it, too. It’s so obnoxious when companies intentionally don’t make enough product to meet the public demand, just to get some kind of advertising momentum going for the product. At this rate I’ll be waiting forever, but from the sound of the reviews it should be worth it.

Well, I’m gonna sign off here. I’m getting ready to go cook dinner for my dad, not sure what it will be (whatever he bought I’ll cook), but we’re both on diets right now so I’m sure it will be fine.

Well, yesterday was kind of a draw. I have a total hangover and got almost no sleep last night so forgive me in advance for this post being incoherant.

I woke up and got ready to go to the Science Center with my BFF and totally forgot to eat breakfast (I seriously hate eating in the morning, it doesn’t even occur to me unless I force myself). So that was bad. I keep telling myself I HAVE to eat breakfast and then when it comes down to it, the thought makes me gag.

When we got to the Science Center we were starving and didn’t feel like driving around the city and getting lost so we just ate at the cafeteria. There was tons of crap but I managed to zoom in on the one grilled chicken salad in the cooler. It was just the chicken and plain iceberg mix. Yuck. I love salad, but this one was prepackaged and nasty. And the dressings they offered were gross so I just ate it dry. It wasn’t good but I was full after eating half of it.

Back in town, we decide to hit up a bar. I’m not a big drinker, I have maybe a drink or two a week usually, but we just got TANKED last night. A ton of Long Islands and dancing to Michael Jackson (RIP) was extremely necessary after a day of being packed into a building like sardines with thousands of children. Obnoxious children with ridiculously bad manners whose parents did absolutely nothing to correct the behavior, but I digress. I KNOW drinking is bad and there’s a ton of cals in liqour, but if it’s any consolation I threw up the entire contents of my stomach last night. And woke up at five in the morning (after sleeping for like, 2 hours) with SEVERE charley horse/calf cramps that had me screaming like I was in a damn horror movie. I mean serious bloody murder. I’ve been up ever since. That’s what I get for bingeing on alcohol, but in the grand scheme of things I probably didn’t go over my calorie limit at the end of the day. Not healthy, but still.

The day before yesterday I was really good, I had a Lean Cuisine for lunch, a  couple pieces of fruit throughout the day, and then a veggie/romaine salad with broiled fish for dinner.

Right now though, I am totally dying to get a vegetable tempura bowl at my fave Japanese place…it’s THE BEST hangover cure on the face of the planet, and totally delicious, but I’m resisting! This girl is on a deep-fried detox. I told myself if I had to cheat a little to just have a square of chocolate once in a while, but whatever I do STAY AWAY from anything fried. I swear, fried foods are a form of the devil. And I know once I stay away from them for a while, I barely ever crave them.

Well….I’m definitely not my peak self right now, so I’ll sign off here..thanks for the comments, a big reason I started this blog was to hear from others in my same boat so I really appreciate that. Talk to you guys later.

As the title of my blog implies, I went from fat to thin - and back again. Specifically, I went from a size 16 to a size 6 and now here I am again. Ugh, right?

I had always been chubby, and at 17 I snapped and decided to do something about it. I honestly wish I could recapture that determination, it was like a light bulb just switched right on and I plunged full force into dieting and excersize. Like a robot, almost. I busted my ass in the gym, even though I’ve never been athletic. I became a militant calorie counter and somehow became very disciplined about what I was putting into my mouth. By the end of my senior year, I was fitting into size 7 jeans at Hollister, which carries clothes for anorexic juniors. I was almost 5′9″ and 135 pounds. Still, I felt fat. I just felt BIGGER than all the other girls. My height, my frame, my breasts…everything about me has always seemed huge compared to the tiny, 5′1”, 98lb. girls that seem to abound.

Soon, I was restricting my calories down to 700 or below per day. I felt happy, in control, and miserable at the same time. My feelings about my body oscillated between smug pride and desperate hatred. I binged because I was so restrictive with my diet, and putting so much energy into my workouts at the gym. My weight loss, or plateau, or whatever was happening with my body became beyond all-consuming. There would be times when I didn’t eat for a couple days in a row. Or a month would go by and pretty much all I ate was fat free plain popcorn.

I could write an entire novel about that period, but I really would rather not. Let’s just say many extremes were explored by me. I didn’t do it right, and I started gaining the weight back a couple of years ago when my life finally started calming down and I got engaged. I was resentful of the amount of energy it took to keep my body thin and attractive, when it seemed like there were thinner girls all around me who were just naturally that way. I hated the fear associated with food. And I just let it all go and decided, “Fuck it - I’ll eat what I want to”. So that’s the way it’s been going for two years. At first I kept the weight off and I was so amazed that I could pig out and stay skinny. Yeah, right. Of course it started creeping back on. I noticed it along the way, too. For awhile I didn’t care because I still looked pretty, I still looked OK. But then I started sliding more and more at the gym. “It’s fine”, I’d tell myself. “I deserve this. Someone loves me the way I am”. I made excuses and sabatoged myself. I really broke down a few weeks ago when I was forced to buy a size 15/16 jean. I just felt defeated.

I don’t want to go out and be seen anymore. I get so anxious going out in public because, oh my God, what if I see someone I know, and they see that I’m fat AGAIN?I don’t like shopping at this point. I don’t even think I deserve to get my hair done anymore. It’s just so ridiculous because I know better. It’s so much more shameful, so much worse to be fat now because I know what it’s like to be thin and healthy. To walk into a store and buy whatever cute little outfit I wanted to without trying it on. To be checked out when I walk around town. To enjoy the outdoors without becoming a sweaty, panty mess. At the peak of it all, before it spiraled out of control, I was doing very well with the diet and excersize and I remember feeling so alive, so full of energy, I was just ready to go out and take the world head on. I took that all away from myself.

It sucks because I am fully aware of the task that lies ahead of me. I’ve tried, half-assed, to nip the weight gain in the bud and start losing again, and failed. More like just gave up. So I set up this blog to be accountable to myself. I want to get back to being thin, get back in shape, start eating healthy again. I can only hope that this time around I’ve learned some sort of a lesson. I want to do this the right way and keep the damn blubber off this time. I just need to start doing right by myself. And this time around, I want to be able to enjoy my hot body, because though I look back on pictures of me when I was thin I can see that I was a fit, attractive girl, at the time I was totally plagued with insecurities.

I guess I’ll get into more about myself in later posts…it’s been so years since I’ve had a blog, or kept a diary.

But there’s something I want to do before I go…

The Blubber List - Why I want to get skinny AGAIN.

-Get back in my bikini and hit the beach…I just want to go SWIMMING again and not be embarrassed

-Shrink my boobs: I want to get back to a perfect 32C. I am so ready to ditch the double d’s!

-Eliminate the heavy, bloated feeling: only cutting out the crap will do it

-I want my confidence back…yes, I had insecurities when I was thin, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t at my most confident. On my good days, I felt damn good.

-Feel better in my own skin, and sexier

-Improve my skin (yeah, losing weight and eating better does that!)

-I want to be able to take my dog on hiking trails and not want to die

-I am NOT going to spend the rest of my 20’s fat…NO WAY, NO HOW! I’m only 23 for God’s sake, and I’m feeling like a total shut-in because I’m back up to a 16

-To try to understand my relationship with food better, and keep it in a healthy balance

-to look good in a wedding dress if I ever set a date

-Finally, I don’t want my weight restricting me from being myself anymore. Period. I owe myself more than this.

Alright babies, I think I’m done for today…OH wait, no. I’ll list what I’ve eaten today. For lunch I had a Lean Cuisine (280 cals, 8g fat). I realized I actually felt full after eating that - it was enough. For dinner, I already made a green salad with veggies and I have a chicken breast that I will broil to go with it. I didn’t eat breakfast cause I’m bad about that! I hate breakfast. I have to suck it up, though, because I know to rev my metabolism personally I have to eat about 5 small meals throughout the day. My biggest problem right now is not eating all day, and then totally pigging out on junk late at night. I have to stop that cycle.

Well…I will be back later, I guess.