28thFebruary

What to do?

I have now officially got my new blogger page up and running and I know that I’ll be spending most of my time there. I really hope that you will all follow me over and keep in touch. I am conflicted as to whether I should update this blog or let it lie? Weight loss is still a huge part of my life and will probably be the main focus of my new blog as well, but it seems redundant to update 2 and all. I don’t know, I guess we will see. For now here is my new link, I am already posting. http://pepagirl.blogspot.com/ hope to see you soon!

Check this youtube video out, I am seriously going to buy a pole and learn to do this, this is like the most amazing display of athleticism I’ve ever seen and it defies all laws of physics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&v=eZlD2Yt3t7A&NR=1

Then I’ll probably fall on my head and die, but holy shit!

 

AND HUGE NEWS, I’m moving… http://pepagirl.blogspot.com/

It’s time I made this journey about more than weight loss and while I’ll still trackback here, my entire life will now be available on blogger. Tune in to pepagirls new blogspot to get to know the real me. 🙂

For anyone out there that it following my ramblings and as an affirmation of my goals and plans to myself, today I am writing why I am doing the things I am and how they are going to help me to make it  where I want to be. Do you have a plan as to where you want to be in life? I mean ulitmately? When the final countdown starts and the end is nigh, what do you want to have accomplished? Where do you see yourself? Who will be with you? For a long time, these thoughts have been my focus of life. I feel like so many people live the day to day and never really stop to think about what the purpose of all of it is. I want to live my life in a perpetual pursuit of my happiness and my dreams. Sometimes this means that you have to do things that you don’t want to do, but above all (to me) the biggest factor is time. Time has us all in it’s hand and we truly never know just how long is left on that clock. I DO NOT want to spend any more of my life than is truly necessary wasting time.

I want to see the world. I want to plant flowers every spring. I want to spend days on the beach in the sun. I want to achieve a level of physical fitness that allows me to do anything. I want to have a body that allows me to wear anything. I want to live in perfect feng shui. I want to learn to drive a manual. I want to hang glide. I want to hold my husbands hand in the nursing home. I want to die happy and fulfilled. Life is the summation of our experiences and I want them all.

Fulfillment for me is not a number in my bank account, a diploma on my wall, or a crib in a nursery. Happiness and fulfillment are what we make it. No one can tell me what is best for me than me, no one can assume that my life is easy or hard for any of the choices I make, no one is me. Jewlz brought something up in a recent comment that I have to put into words and answer for myself and everyone else.

“I’m a little surprised that while he is gone you are going to give up on having a job. It would seem like that would help to pass the time and get you into a good ‘routine’ for later. Plus, all that extra money socked away would be great. Lots of people have to do this weight-loss thing with work and kids and whatever else… So why not just keep doing it so that later you can’t use it as a reason to not keep it up later on?”

This is a really good and hugely important question that I want all my readers to understand and that I want to reaffirm for myself (a lady I work with asked me the same thing!). While some people would like to work to stay busy while a loved one is away, I have other things to work on and “work” is a distraction. I work in retail and my schedule is never the same day of the week or the same hours of the day. I frequently work from 1pm to 8pm or 9pm which combined with the fact that I am NOT a morning persons, leaves me with no useable hours of daylight to do anything. I also frequently close then open, which means I’d get no sleep if I spent my night doing other things. Essentially the physical hours that I work + the minimum wage that I make + the number of hours spent at work = a big void of my precious time wasted into what equates to about $100 a week and a lot of stress. Which brings me to the financial aspect…  DH and I have chosen to live a lifestyle that allows flexibiliy in my working life. His “manly philosophy” is that he will take care of us and our essentials, if I want more only then would he expect me to work outside the home. I only chose to take this job because I wanted to pay my car off a year early and have some money in my personal savings account and add to my IRA. We have chosen to not have children for financial and personal reasons as well, the desire to start a family is far outweighed for us by financial and physical freedom from the responsibility of child rearing. Don’t get us wrong, we love kids, but we love them even more when they go home with other people!

I have a friend that when we vent our problems to eachother, frequently uses the phrase, “well add 2 kids to that!” I completely understand what she means, but I find it insensitive too. I am choosing to not add children into the mix and I find it quite unfair to have my problems minimized for that reason. Just because I don’t have that particular responsibility in my life does not mean I have not found a way to add stress to my life.

This all brings me to the routine- what I am doing now is NO routine at all. I go to work, I come home, run around like crazy, stress out, cook dinner, pee, what ever… there is no rhyme or reason. Last time DH was deployed I DID for the FIRST time in my life find a routine. Gosh how I miss that! I woke up every morning and brushed my teeth, used the mouthwash, got on the scale, wrote down my weight and my breakfast, went to the gym, came home and blogged, emailed DH, washed my face and flossed every night before bed… just the little things that now on a day to day are rushed and even forgotton at times. I seriously have not flossed in like a week, I really miss having time and not being too crazy stressed out to remember to floss my teeth every night. DH came home after only 3 months last time and it was all so traumatic when he came back that I didnt have the energy to continue all the great new habits I had picked up. This time I know things are going to be different and I can make my routine. After all this is said and done and I reach my goals I will have been living this “new life” long enough to know what kind of job can be added into the mix if that is what I choose to do. At home I have many jobs as it is, financial planner, stock broker, retirement advisor, insurance broker, house keeper, tailor, handyman, landscaper, pet boarder, photographer, vacation planner… just give me the hat and I’ll wear it. In exchange for DH taking the financial responsibility for our household, I truly do everything else so he can focus on his career, his video games, whatever he feels he needs. AND, I’m happy to do it, albeit if not overworked sometimes at least it is all on my terms because I own this business.

Perhaps one of the biggest contributing factors for leaving the job is simply a matter of support. He went batshit crazy last time and if for any reason he should need me this go around I want to be there for him. If I’m working behind a cash register I can’t very well answer a phone call or meet up to skype. I want to be completely available to him should he need me and I want to face this head on. I don’t want to throw myself in to something as a means to pass the time for me, glutton for punishment or not, I want to OWN what it going on and not have any resemblance of ignorance.

The truth is that I do eventually want to have an earning job, but I don’t want to be stuck in a job that I don’t like and I am not going to put myself in that position again. I know that I’m really lucky to have a husband that supports me and will let me find my path. I want have a job where I can set my own hours and control my earning potential, I don’t want to be on anyone elses schedule but mine. As I said earlier, time is my most valuable commodity.

Just putting this all into words really confirms to me in my heart that I am doing the right thing for myself and my family. My next post will continue with my plan and I’m so excited to share this with you all! Thank you everyone that has been here supporting me and reading all my rambling, you guys are an awesome support system and I don’t know where I’d be without you all!

27thFebruary

WTF? GD’it!

En Medias Res

…I was feeling as though finally a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I was free from everything and very hopeful for the future. And just now, not 5 minutes ago DH walks out of the bedroom to get a glass of water and informs me… “Oh yeah, forget to mention, my mom and sister said they are coming up here to see me before I leave.” *BLANK STARE* “When?” “They said like Friday I think…” “Friday? I have to work all week! What the fuck? Tell them to wait and come 2 weeks from now.” “Uh, they can’t they said something about stopping by on their way back from up north.” *WALKS BACK DOWN HALLWAY* *YELLS AFTER…* “What the fuck, I’m so tired of people inviting themselves here!” *STEAM CONTINUES POURING FROM MY HEAD*…

Before

…On Friday I came home on lunch and DH tells me he got the call and he is leaving in 3 weeks to go back to the middle east. I wasn’t shocked or too upset, I kinda knew this was going to happen. I immediately feel a little panicked though with only 3 weeks until he leaves that doesn’t leave much time to get things in order, spend time together, or process it all. I knew what I needed to do, I needed to quit the job and now, not April, not May, but ASAP. I went in on Saturday and gave the boss my 2 weeks, they’ve been good to me and even though I’d love nothing more than to just quit on the spot, I knew I couldn’t do that. As soon as I walked out I felt so relieved! It was hard, but it was so worth it. I already had plans in my head for how I would complete my goals while DH was gone and how much money we could save up over the next few months. I am still nervous about him going, but I believe in him so much this time, he has come a long way. Even he himself feels as though this has to be done, has to be proven. We both believe that it is a good, albeit unpleasant as hell thing. He can prove that he can do it, save the money, get the training, get in shape, and come back in one piece- I can have the time that I need responsibility free, financially supported, change my habits, and reach my goals. We both aim to be different, but better versions of ourselves afterward. I was excited! Scared! But, ready…

Now

I’m still fuming a little, I know I overreacted, but give me a GD break! I still have to work a 2 week notice, I find out your leaving in 3 weeks, the house is TRASHED (he’s been on leave for 8 days now and I’ve been too busy working to clean up after us), I only have today off this week, and you mother and sister TELL US they are coming here on friday?! I know they need to see him and have every right but fuckin’A, I am way too busy for this bull-motherfuckin-shit! I feel like all my happy feelings and relieving of stress all just went up in smoke in a 30 second conversation. On top of the feelings that any normal person might have about this situation, I have just been on a HUGELY bad week celebrating and I’m a good 30lbs fatter than the last time MIL & SIL saw me, even though I know they really don’t care- it bothers me! We see family like ONCE a year or sometimes longer in between and it was my personal goal to not be seen again until I made my goals and I feel like they are intruding on me. How do you get over something that you logically know can’t be helped, but mentally stresses and pisses you off to all hell? They need to see him, he’d love ,  at least like, to see them, so I guess I have to just suck it up and swallow it. FML. More later on my new plans for this Spring…

19thFebruary

Week 8 Feb. 12-18

Today (2/19) is DH’s birthday and the 21st will be our 5th wedding anniversary! We have a nice week planned to stay in a hotel on the beach that has an indoor heated pool and a jacuzzi in the room. I already scoped the room out when I made the reservations and it looks nice! I can’t wait!

A LOT has been going on recently and I just haven’t had time to update everyone. The major things are 1) There are talks that DH’s squadron may be sent to *insert scary middle eastern country here* for up to a year, 2) his department wants to send him back to the middle east to were he was last time (if the whole squadron deal doesn’t happen) beacuse they are hurting for people, 3) tensions have been high all around with these possible deployments, the upcoming “holidays”, work picking up for me and sapping more time and energy. I have felt so out of sorts with all this information and all the things that need to be done.

I feel like I’m hanging on a thread waiting to put in the notice at my job, I feel so guilty to leave, but I know it has to be done. I’m just in no shape to continue like this, although I have to continue at least another couple of months… Uh. I need to clean tonight, but I know that I won’t end up doing it because I feel like shit. For some reason last night I have a huge urge to binge, and I did. BUT, I’m not upset. It was actually the first true binge I’ve had in months. AND today I physically feel horrible for it! BLOATED, GAS, HEARTBURN, WEIGHT GAIN, all of it! It really proves to me how much better I feel when I eat right, so it was a learning exeperience. It’s really not bothering me though, I know what I need to do and its coming soon. I have to make it through these holidays, stick to my diet, and then hurry up and save this money so I can leave this life sapping job and get my ass in gear! I’m so pumped and so ready, hurry up dammit!

I am the kind of person that always has a project to work on or a thing to do, I don’t feel right unless I’m working on something. Obviously working out and doing work on the body is HARD work and so it usually takes a while to really make that a priority in the mind… right now the biggest thing that is bothering the absolute crap out of me is my house. I want to do a whole overhaul spring clean, replace the kitchenware, rearrange all the furniture, hang new photos, sand & paint some wood furniture items, clean out the closets and sell/donate/trash a lot of stuff, just an all around overhaul! Right now I feel like my house needs a diet, it gets cluttered too easily and the storage spaces are growing full- I really want to lean towards a more minimalist lifestyle but it’s so hard when you grew up in a family that saved everything in an effort to not be without. There are tons of things we have that are just taking up space that we have “just in case” we need them. I don’t want to waste money and get rid of them for if that occasion should arise, *sigh* what to do?

I could ramble longer, but for now I need to try to do something productive. I’m all good though, just biding time until I can really get down to business again. Have a good week ladies!

12thFebruary

Week 6 Feb. 5-11

Very busy week this week, had a decent loss, but I’m on TOM now and retained a TON of water this week. Here’s a snapshot from my webcam to tide you all over until this Sunday- my DH’s birthday and our getaway for our 5yr anniversary!

 

Goal: To lose 20.2lbs by April 1st, 2012.

Financial Goal: To be determined.

4thFebruary

Week 5 Jan. 29-4

Updating a day early this week, I am so swamped. I am also SO behind. I am not going to weigh in this week because I know it will be demotivating. I have NOT been on track this week. I am about to resort to drastic measures and begin taping cutouts of victoria’s secret models all over the house again. I do this every so often believe it or not, seeing those skinny bitches looking at me while I eat cookies is serious buzz kill. DH finds it hard to take a crap though with Giselle Bundchen staring at him from the bathroom mirror… he’ll get over it. I am going grocery shopping tomorrow and I swear I’m going to buy nothing but bags of salad, fiber bars, oatmeal, and fresh fruit and veggies for myself. I don’t want to screw DH in the health food department because he is trying to eat better too, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of being fat right now, I think sicker that I may have ever been. Its funny how we can get to a point like that… I mean I’ve been way fatter and cared a lot less. I am like DESPERATELY WANTING to wear nice summer clothes this year and feel good in bathing suit. This may be the last summer that we live at the beach and I want to enjoy it! On a completely serious note, how much weight do you think I could lose if I ate nothing but the aforementioned for the next 3 months? I’ve never done a “stick to only this food” diet before, I’ve always allowed myself flexibility within my calorie range, but I’ve gotta do something to break this vicious cycle this time. I have the next two days off work and plan on working like a mad woman in my house to get it perfect for the week. I am STILL NOT going to the gym! Why can’t I get the motivation? I come home from work and get bogged down in other things and just don’t go! I really REALLY need to change this and soon. I am not drinking enough water again and am replacing it with snacking, I think I need to start using fiber powder again between meals to feel full. I am not a big protein girl, so fiber is my filler. I’m babysitting monsters overnight tonight until the evening tomorrow so I’ll have to fight to get anything done, hopefully I’ll find my path soon. Bikini dreaming, Pepa