For anyone out there that it following my ramblings and as an affirmation of my goals and plans to myself, today I am writing why I am doing the things I am and how they are going to help me to make it where I want to be. Do you have a plan as to where you want to be in life? I mean ulitmately? When the final countdown starts and the end is nigh, what do you want to have accomplished? Where do you see yourself? Who will be with you? For a long time, these thoughts have been my focus of life. I feel like so many people live the day to day and never really stop to think about what the purpose of all of it is. I want to live my life in a perpetual pursuit of my happiness and my dreams. Sometimes this means that you have to do things that you don’t want to do, but above all (to me) the biggest factor is time. Time has us all in it’s hand and we truly never know just how long is left on that clock. I DO NOT want to spend any more of my life than is truly necessary wasting time.
I want to see the world. I want to plant flowers every spring. I want to spend days on the beach in the sun. I want to achieve a level of physical fitness that allows me to do anything. I want to have a body that allows me to wear anything. I want to live in perfect feng shui. I want to learn to drive a manual. I want to hang glide. I want to hold my husbands hand in the nursing home. I want to die happy and fulfilled. Life is the summation of our experiences and I want them all.
Fulfillment for me is not a number in my bank account, a diploma on my wall, or a crib in a nursery. Happiness and fulfillment are what we make it. No one can tell me what is best for me than me, no one can assume that my life is easy or hard for any of the choices I make, no one is me. Jewlz brought something up in a recent comment that I have to put into words and answer for myself and everyone else.
“I’m a little surprised that while he is gone you are going to give up on having a job. It would seem like that would help to pass the time and get you into a good ‘routine’ for later. Plus, all that extra money socked away would be great. Lots of people have to do this weight-loss thing with work and kids and whatever else… So why not just keep doing it so that later you can’t use it as a reason to not keep it up later on?”
This is a really good and hugely important question that I want all my readers to understand and that I want to reaffirm for myself (a lady I work with asked me the same thing!). While some people would like to work to stay busy while a loved one is away, I have other things to work on and “work” is a distraction. I work in retail and my schedule is never the same day of the week or the same hours of the day. I frequently work from 1pm to 8pm or 9pm which combined with the fact that I am NOT a morning persons, leaves me with no useable hours of daylight to do anything. I also frequently close then open, which means I’d get no sleep if I spent my night doing other things. Essentially the physical hours that I work + the minimum wage that I make + the number of hours spent at work = a big void of my precious time wasted into what equates to about $100 a week and a lot of stress. Which brings me to the financial aspect… DH and I have chosen to live a lifestyle that allows flexibiliy in my working life. His “manly philosophy” is that he will take care of us and our essentials, if I want more only then would he expect me to work outside the home. I only chose to take this job because I wanted to pay my car off a year early and have some money in my personal savings account and add to my IRA. We have chosen to not have children for financial and personal reasons as well, the desire to start a family is far outweighed for us by financial and physical freedom from the responsibility of child rearing. Don’t get us wrong, we love kids, but we love them even more when they go home with other people!
I have a friend that when we vent our problems to eachother, frequently uses the phrase, “well add 2 kids to that!” I completely understand what she means, but I find it insensitive too. I am choosing to not add children into the mix and I find it quite unfair to have my problems minimized for that reason. Just because I don’t have that particular responsibility in my life does not mean I have not found a way to add stress to my life.
This all brings me to the routine- what I am doing now is NO routine at all. I go to work, I come home, run around like crazy, stress out, cook dinner, pee, what ever… there is no rhyme or reason. Last time DH was deployed I DID for the FIRST time in my life find a routine. Gosh how I miss that! I woke up every morning and brushed my teeth, used the mouthwash, got on the scale, wrote down my weight and my breakfast, went to the gym, came home and blogged, emailed DH, washed my face and flossed every night before bed… just the little things that now on a day to day are rushed and even forgotton at times. I seriously have not flossed in like a week, I really miss having time and not being too crazy stressed out to remember to floss my teeth every night. DH came home after only 3 months last time and it was all so traumatic when he came back that I didnt have the energy to continue all the great new habits I had picked up. This time I know things are going to be different and I can make my routine. After all this is said and done and I reach my goals I will have been living this “new life” long enough to know what kind of job can be added into the mix if that is what I choose to do. At home I have many jobs as it is, financial planner, stock broker, retirement advisor, insurance broker, house keeper, tailor, handyman, landscaper, pet boarder, photographer, vacation planner… just give me the hat and I’ll wear it. In exchange for DH taking the financial responsibility for our household, I truly do everything else so he can focus on his career, his video games, whatever he feels he needs. AND, I’m happy to do it, albeit if not overworked sometimes at least it is all on my terms because I own this business.
Perhaps one of the biggest contributing factors for leaving the job is simply a matter of support. He went batshit crazy last time and if for any reason he should need me this go around I want to be there for him. If I’m working behind a cash register I can’t very well answer a phone call or meet up to skype. I want to be completely available to him should he need me and I want to face this head on. I don’t want to throw myself in to something as a means to pass the time for me, glutton for punishment or not, I want to OWN what it going on and not have any resemblance of ignorance.
The truth is that I do eventually want to have an earning job, but I don’t want to be stuck in a job that I don’t like and I am not going to put myself in that position again. I know that I’m really lucky to have a husband that supports me and will let me find my path. I want have a job where I can set my own hours and control my earning potential, I don’t want to be on anyone elses schedule but mine. As I said earlier, time is my most valuable commodity.
Just putting this all into words really confirms to me in my heart that I am doing the right thing for myself and my family. My next post will continue with my plan and I’m so excited to share this with you all! Thank you everyone that has been here supporting me and reading all my rambling, you guys are an awesome support system and I don’t know where I’d be without you all!
