Diary of a Mad Fat Woman

All the events of the last few months feel like they have set me on a new path. I feel like I haven’t been weight loss focused in months and after being forced IV fluids during my brief hospital stay I’ve gained 10 pounds. Can I blame it on the doctors? Maybe, the doctor handling my follow-up says it’s normal and should slowly slough off as I increase my water intake. But, I do know that from feeling sick the last two weeks my fast food intake has increased by 90% as I don’t feel well enough to cook a decent meal or go shopping for healthy foods. Just last night I was afflicted with what must have been the worst pain of my life in the form of an extremely nauseated migrane. Nausea by itself is annoying, nausea accompanied by a head-splitting vice of death over my sinuses and frontal lobe annoyed by movement, sound, and light is like the wrath of God. I haven’t given birth, but God help me I think I’d rather labor for days than to have that feeling ever again.

I have been thinking a lot about moving my blog lately. I enjoy 3fc very much and the support garnered here is incredible, but with life prodding me in the side, I feel I need to branch out and consider my options. Life has not been about weight loss in a while and even though I still have plans to continue my journey to skinnyville in the coming months, it’s just not my number one priority right now. My life needs an overhaul, not just my body. Right now I am dealing with so many physical and mental ailments that I really feel like I need an extended vacation to heal all the brusies. I am due to go back to work within the next few days and I honestly don’t even want to. I feel so unorganized and scattered as it is that I can’t imagine throwing myself back into that grind without fixing my problems first. It might sound insignificant, but at the forefront of my thoughts right now is the state of my home. If you came here at this very moment you would probably be suprised to not find it condemned. DH played nurse to me all week, but he’s not one for housework and honestly I just wanted to spend time with him- not the couch while he did chores. There are dirty clothes strewn from bedroom to livingroom probably a good 3 loads, the litter box is disgusting and I’m too tired to go out for cat litter, there are a good 2 loads of dirty dishes scattered between the kitchen sink, counter tops, and various end tables, and probably 3 bags worth of paper trash that needs to make its way to the curb by 10am this morning. I feel so overwhelmed and pretty disgusted to think I’ll have to tackle this mess- and soon. Oh yeah and yesterday the ants came back and had made their way into my cereal in the cabinet, nice. DH is back into treatment now and I find myself alone for the next week and a half; where do I begin to pick my life back up and get on track?

Work is giving me much anxiety as well. The job itself is all in all not that bad, the people still seem very nice as well. But certain things irk me and I don’t know if they should. Without going into very much detail, I feel like my boss is sympathetic to my sitiuation and has been very nice about the time I’ve needed (and will need for future appointments), but I could feel the tension/frustration when I explained that I had a few more appointments coming up- one of which interferred with a day I had already been scheduled for. We are a very small place with only a handful of employees, so I understand that my needing off is a hardship for them, but I guess I just felt if the situation were reversed I wouldn’t let that show through. I’m afraid of being treated differently when I return, like having to schedule around me will create some type of resesntment or make me a burden. The fear of being in that type of environment has seriously caused me a lot of anguish and had me thinkining thoughts of throwing in the towel to be honest. The problem with that is, I would feel horrible to not continue at this point knowing their situation and the time that has been put in to train me. I worry that if I did quit, would the time spent be wasted, would I want or be able to use them as a reference. Also I fear the future, if I ever just want a day off sometime soon, will it be granted? Or have I used all my “favors” in needing this time? Is this me being too sensitive? or Am I putting others first here?

Right now the future is so uncertain and all I really want to do is to lay here in a clean house with no responsibilities and no plans. I just want to feel free, my whole life it’s always been something that needed to be done and I’m tired, really tired. Has anyone ever achieved a state of complete “doing everythin that needs to be done, doneness” are we ever really done?