All the events of the last few months feel like they have set me on a new path. I feel like I haven’t been weight loss focused in months and after being forced IV fluids during my brief hospital stay I’ve gained 10 pounds. Can I blame it on the doctors? Maybe, the doctor handling my follow-up says it’s normal and should slowly slough off as I increase my water intake. But, I do know that from feeling sick the last two weeks my fast food intake has increased by 90% as I don’t feel well enough to cook a decent meal or go shopping for healthy foods. Just last night I was afflicted with what must have been the worst pain of my life in the form of an extremely nauseated migrane. Nausea by itself is annoying, nausea accompanied by a head-splitting vice of death over my sinuses and frontal lobe annoyed by movement, sound, and light is like the wrath of God. I haven’t given birth, but God help me I think I’d rather labor for days than to have that feeling ever again.

I have been thinking a lot about moving my blog lately. I enjoy 3fc very much and the support garnered here is incredible, but with life prodding me in the side, I feel I need to branch out and consider my options. Life has not been about weight loss in a while and even though I still have plans to continue my journey to skinnyville in the coming months, it’s just not my number one priority right now. My life needs an overhaul, not just my body. Right now I am dealing with so many physical and mental ailments that I really feel like I need an extended vacation to heal all the brusies. I am due to go back to work within the next few days and I honestly don’t even want to. I feel so unorganized and scattered as it is that I can’t imagine throwing myself back into that grind without fixing my problems first. It might sound insignificant, but at the forefront of my thoughts right now is the state of my home. If you came here at this very moment you would probably be suprised to not find it condemned. DH played nurse to me all week, but he’s not one for housework and honestly I just wanted to spend time with him- not the couch while he did chores. There are dirty clothes strewn from bedroom to livingroom probably a good 3 loads, the litter box is disgusting and I’m too tired to go out for cat litter, there are a good 2 loads of dirty dishes scattered between the kitchen sink, counter tops, and various end tables, and probably 3 bags worth of paper trash that needs to make its way to the curb by 10am this morning. I feel so overwhelmed and pretty disgusted to think I’ll have to tackle this mess- and soon. Oh yeah and yesterday the ants came back and had made their way into my cereal in the cabinet, nice. DH is back into treatment now and I find myself alone for the next week and a half; where do I begin to pick my life back up and get on track?

Work is giving me much anxiety as well. The job itself is all in all not that bad, the people still seem very nice as well. But certain things irk me and I don’t know if they should. Without going into very much detail, I feel like my boss is sympathetic to my sitiuation and has been very nice about the time I’ve needed (and will need for future appointments), but I could feel the tension/frustration when I explained that I had a few more appointments coming up- one of which interferred with a day I had already been scheduled for. We are a very small place with only a handful of employees, so I understand that my needing off is a hardship for them, but I guess I just felt if the situation were reversed I wouldn’t let that show through. I’m afraid of being treated differently when I return, like having to schedule around me will create some type of resesntment or make me a burden. The fear of being in that type of environment has seriously caused me a lot of anguish and had me thinkining thoughts of throwing in the towel to be honest. The problem with that is, I would feel horrible to not continue at this point knowing their situation and the time that has been put in to train me. I worry that if I did quit, would the time spent be wasted, would I want or be able to use them as a reference. Also I fear the future, if I ever just want a day off sometime soon, will it be granted? Or have I used all my “favors” in needing this time? Is this me being too sensitive? or Am I putting others first here?

Right now the future is so uncertain and all I really want to do is to lay here in a clean house with no responsibilities and no plans. I just want to feel free, my whole life it’s always been something that needed to be done and I’m tired, really tired. Has anyone ever achieved a state of complete “doing everythin that needs to be done, doneness” are we ever really done?

The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of events and I don’t entirely know where to begin. I am going to try to make things as short and to the point as possible starting from the beginning. I have been on birthcontrol for 5 years now, the entire time DH and I have been married. We always wanted to have children one day, but wanted to wait until we were financially and emotionally ready to give our children the best upbringing as possible. My periods are usually very regular and still fairly heavy. On August 7th, I had a normal period. On August 28th, I had another lighter period an entire week earlier, I felt like it was unusual and even though I had been using my birthcontrol normally I decided DH and I should use a back up method of birthcontrol for the next week just in case. I would have been due for my next period October 1st if you followed my original cycle or as early as September 25th if following the unusual early period I got the month before. By September 30th, I still had no period symptoms that I would usually get by that time, so I took a test. It was positive and I was shocked to say the least- we weren’t trying, I was on birth control and we even used a back-up method when I had that funny week.

I told DH and he was really happy about it, we always agreed that if it happened before we started to try that we would be thankful for our blessing. I made my first OB appointment and they even scheduled me for my first ultrasound October 28th. I made the descision not tell inform any family members or really anyone else for that matter until after the first appointment in case the worst happened- afterall I’ve read that as many as 30% of pregnancy end in miscarriage often before the woman even knows she is pregnant. I had to tell someone though, so I decided to let you all know. Thank you all for your wonderfully kind and supportive comments and well wishes, it really touches my heart.

I went out and bought a bunch of baby books from thrift stores and spent my free time getting used to the idea and brushing up on my L&D and newborn care information. DH was/is unfortunately away, but is still just a couple of towns away. The idea of having a child with my husband really grew on me and things seemed scary but still very hopeful about the future. Long story short on the DH front- he is going through a military rehabilitation program for his alcohol abuse and was required to do inpatient therapy. He is doing well by the way and I believe that he is truly changed. He had to go to inpatient treatment because even though he was passing his breathalyzer tests and urine tests, his liver enzymes were still high and so they had their doubts that he was staying clean (which he is, a wife would know). Now it’s more of a question as to why is his liver still showing these signs.

Back to me now, I was at work by myself on the 8th when I had a gush in my panties. I had at least 4 people in the store at the time. I went to the bathroom and confirmed that yes, I am bleeding and pretty good. I already knew it was over, there was just too much blood for it not to be. I don’t know why- woman’s intuition maybe? But that morning before work I put some pads in my pocketbook, something just told me I might need them. I still had 3 hours before my relief came in so I really couldn’t do much else but keep working and wait. As soon as they got there and I got off I went home to change clothes and head to the ER. DH was expecting me to come visit that afternoon (he can only have visitors on the weekend) and called, I told him what was going on and he said he’d meet me at the hospital. His treatment facility just happens to be at the same place as the hospital that I was going to. I got there and had to wait about 45 minutes to be seen, they took me back and started with how far along are you? My response was the same I wrote above, it’s hard to say because I was on birth control and I haven’t had a dating ultrasound yet. They took blood, urine, and eventually did a transvaginal ultrasound. The ER doctors saw endometrial changes of a pregnancy, but no gestational sac in my uterus. They did see a mass on one of my ovaries and sent me to the regular ultrasound department to get a better look. I had another one done transvaginal and a abdominal, the ultrasound tech didn’t say much, but then she brought the radiologists in to look at me as well. They agreed that I have a mass on my right ovary, but can’t tell exactly what it is…

And so begins my latest saga, a possible ectopic pregnancy. I was sent home from the ER that night with the diagnosis of an indeterminant early pregnancy and right ovarian mass. I was scheduled a follow-up with an obestrics specialist on the 10th to determine my new hcg levels and diagnose me further. I went in that night for my appointment and after some confusion (they didn’t know I was coming) got on with the appointment. Blood was taken again and I had to endure another pelvic exam, this time I was bleeding so heavily that when I took off my underwear to get undressed, I bled all over the floor and my socks and shoes before I could get back on the exam table. The whole experience up until this point utterly sucked, but at least the doctors and nurses were all very kind. I had a lot of pain and soreness when she palpatated my organs and when the blood results came back my hcg levels had dropped from 102 on Saturday to 64 that Monday night. The doctors were still concerned since the levels hadn’t dropped further and that I was having pelvic pain. They gave me a few options; expectant management (letting nature take it’s course), a shot of methotrexate to stop cell division in case a pregnancy was growing outside my uterus, or having a d & c with follow-up to ensure that an ectopic pregnancy was not the case. The shot of methotrexate is only about 90% effective in stopping the growth of an ectopic and given the risks of having a ruptured tube if an ectopic was occuring, I decided to continue with the d & c. Since the pregnancy was obviously not developing normally (decreased hcg levels), any tissue removed in the procedure would just be helping mother nature along and then afterward if hcg was still present, it would mean an ectopic was happening and it could be treated in time to save my ovary or tube. I had the procedure that night and stayed in the hospital the next day. My hcg dropped to 52 by the morning and I was allowed to go home. I have another appointment on the 13th to take my hcg level one more time to find out for sure what my fate will be, ectopic growth or if I had a natural miscarriage.

I am doing ok, just trying to roll with the punches right now until I get the final word on things. If it turns out to be ectopic I will have to have surgery again (more invasive than a d & c) to have the pregnancy removed. If not, then I’m left to recover. I feel really tired and more than anything I’m just sore from the surgery it’s self. My throat and diaphram hurt from being intubated, my hips and leg joints are sore from what I assume is the position that they had my legs in for the hour I was in the O.R. having the procedure done. I’m just spent. I have the week off from work to recover, they suspended DH’s treatment for the week so he could stay home and nurse me. Life has been crazy and the only people that know are my best friend, my husband (and anyone that had to know at his job/treatment facility) and my boss at work for my convalescent time.

That is my life right now, I have other emotions but to be honest I’m wiped out just writing this much. Thank you all for your support and for your well wishes. And a special word for Goodnuff, please don’t be too sad for me. I imagined that you might be very upset reading this after some of the things that you have been through, but I want you to know that I believe God has a reason for everything and I am doing as well as I can. Thank you all and good night. More later…

So I had my appointment on the 13th, my levels are still falling, but not at zero yet. I have a slew of other appointments coming up and today I fee like crap.


Pregnancy Glitter Graphics

More updates soon!