10thSeptember

Where to begin???

This is an complete account of the happenings since DH’s homecoming, I know that I have been slacking in blogging since then and I’m taking a little time to get all this down before I slowly forget.

While DH was on deployment I was working out 4-5x a week and doing pretty darn good sticking to my diet consistantly. I managed to get to 154.x pounds by the morning of his homecoming. I never went into exactly what was going on with him while he was deployed… partly because I think I want to protect his privacy and partly because writing it down makes it public knowledge… but I need to get it out for my own sake.

DH grew up in a broken home with an absent father, alcoholic mother, and abusive step-father. He has been damaged since childhood from all the horrors that he had to endure, but over the years and with a lot of love (from me of course :) ), he had improved significantly and began to truly be a happy person. The military was always a kind of struggle for him, trying to fit in with guys that he had nothing in common with and dealing with being a subordinate in a close to lawless sweat shop environment, but he felt like he had overcome so much adversity that it must be meant to be and it made him proud. Ever since we transferred to the place he is now, he has come across one jerk-wad after another and had more bad days and moods than he’s had since he lived with his step-father. I can’t even begin to type all the stories of how someone or another has tried to screw him over or push his buttons- you’ll just have to trust me on that one. I don’t know what it is about DH that makes people want to mess with him, but it seems almost unending… the sad thing is that DH is one of the good guys, the type that gives beggars what’s in his wallet, the guy that will go out of his way to help a stranger, and the type that has dealt with so much disrespect in his life that he treats the men under him at work like equals.

When he left for deployment earlier this year he was happy to go and experience a new place, to learn more about his job, and to make some extra money. He left happy and hopeful, the man that returned was anything but. While overseas he was so depressed and oppressed that he turned to alcohol almost every night. I got calls every week that would make me cry for hours, he was literally losing his mind. He was so angry and so ready to just give it all away. His roomates were on a different shift from him and were always awake when he tried to sleep, slamming doors, blasting music, drinking all night and being loud as hell. He tried to request a room change but the idiot #^& *%#) $%#@& couldn’t get the message and refused to move him because there was construction going on, which also woke him up each morning at 6am after only 2 hours of sleep. Between the jerks in his room, the jerks at work, the lack of sleep, and being alone without his voice of reason (me), he was starting to go mad- and not quietly. He got into arguments with superiors at work, he punched a hole in his room’s wall, he spent almost all of his deployment money on alcohol and other pick me ups, and finally he got into a fight with the roomate jerk-wad.

Roomate was a former cage fighter and while he didn’t KO DH, he got the best of him. DH also in his drunken madness and depression told the guy to just kill him, which I know that at the time he meant. DH’s injury that got him sent home was a direct result of that fight- although all of this is completely off the record. The “official” reason DH got sent home is that he was unable to preform his duties due to an injury- the real reason is that DH was going effing mad and I’m quite sure he scared a few people at work and they basically blamed any failures on the shops part on DH.

As soon as he got home, he cried. My DH does not cry, I have only seen him cry once in 8 years and that was at my mother’s funeral. He thought he was dreaming, but then the depression got worse because all he could do was wallow in the fact that he was actually sent home from a deployment. He drank and drank some more. I couldn’t stand it, I hate when he drinks because he acts like an idiot or gets crazy angry about his life/past.  Things were rough between us when he got back, but more than anything I was just glad to have him home and be able to talk sense into him again. While he was gone, it was like he wouldn’t listen to a thing I had to say or cared about how I felt at all, it was hard, harder than most deployments I would think. I worried every day that he would kill someone or himself, I cried not because I missed him, but because I was afraid that he wouldn’t make it back to me whole, if at all.

I cannot even begin to really describe the emotional tourture that he put me through, it was horrible and trust me girls I have been put through the wringer a few times before. I had been chewed up and spit out by emotions on numerous occasions and I’ve probably cried enough tears in the last 10 years to fill an inground swimming pool. I felt like I went through hell and I didn’t tell anyone except my best friend. That’s how I am though and it keeps me strong. I don’t blame DH and I’m not bitter; I know that he was truly having psychological issues and he is now gettig help.

He started seeing a psychologist about 2 months ago, he was reffered to a military alcohol recovery program, he transferred to a new department, and he has decided to discontinue his military career at the end of this enlistment. I feel heartbroken that he went through so much pain and that his dreams are basically in ruins, but I support him and will stand by him no matter what happens. As far as his career goes, even if he does change his mind and wants to continue after finishing all his therapy, he will have a tough road ahead. Due to circumstances other than the mentioned and including them, he has had little opportunity to complete important parts of his training for advancement. He just took his second to last advancement exam a short time ago and didn’t prepare for it at all due to all the issues that he has been dealing with. He will have one last chance early next year to advance, if he doesn’t make it by then, he will be separated. Either way it looks for sure as though his career won’t continue after next year unless he has a change of heart and a miracle happens and he advances off one of these two tests.

In addition to the emotional upheaval I have been dealing with from his psychotic break (as I refer to it as), I am also in a state of fear about out future- which I know I have touched on here before. It haunts me that I chose not to pursue schooling after high school because I wanted to be there to support my husband. I was too naive to know then, that his career might not last. Once I did begin to figure this out it was too late to begin- I want to go to school for dental hygeine, but since we have moved so much I haven’t a chance to complete a degree. I want to kick myself sometimes for not choosing myself first, at least then I had the education I could support us until he was able to find work. At this point I’ve pretty much figured out we’d both have to have two full time “regular- near minimum wage” jobs to maintain the same quality of life that we enjoy now. I don’t think DH realizes just how hard things are with the job market right now, veteran status or not. He think’s he’ll be able to get a good paying civilian job based on his military experience, but that only works if people are actually hiring… *sigh* I’ve been trying to convince myself that no matter what we will survive and I know we will do at least that, but would we rather be dead than to work so hard for so little?

I’ve been giving all my attention to DH since he came home and have really begun to let myself fall to the back burner yet again. I have gained what I guess is about 8 or 9 pounds in the last 2 and half months, and haven’t been working out or even had the energy or time to pretty up or pamper myself. I need a vacation from my life. I got a job at a shoe store making a little more than minimum wage, it’s ok so far and it seems fairly simple to pick up. I was told that I might get a better position if I do well and like it, but I really don’t know how to feel about the idea. I got the job to start saving money for when DH gets out, but in reality with the hours and pay- I MIGHT have a thousand saved by then and while it will help, it certainly won’t last long. If I was offered more money and a better position, I don’t know if I really would want it… I feel like DH needs me and I don’t know if I want to be gone from home 40 hours a week any time soon.

This is the most of what’s been going on, I would go into further detail but I know this is super long and probably super boring too, so I think I’ll leave it here for now. Now you know most of what I have been dealing with and why I have been so very absent lately. In good news I have been back on diet track for about 4 days straight, which is good for lately. I truly want to see 149.x by Halloween, I think it might actually cut through the madness and make me happy and proud of myself for a change. I’ve never been that low and I’ve longed to wear a skimpy sexy Halloween costume for years. I guess we all have a little skank in them that would like to come out once a year right?

Almost forgot, we evacuated because of hurricane Irene. We had no damage but it was hell going through all that, just the whole process. We spent about $500.00 between hotel, gas, food, and supplies, which was all of our “current” savings- seeing as we just loaned a family member $500.00 the week prior. Then DH had to spend $400.00 out of pocket for uniforms- another tragic and long story about how DH is treated very poorly and singled out. I just feel like my life is a mess and I can’t wait to crawl out of the rublble and dust myself off. DH and I have improved our relationship through a lot of effort in the past few weeks and I feel like we are both on the path to healing. I hope for the best in our future and I pray that it can only get better from here. Until next time, good night chickies. -Pepa

If I get all my chores done I’ll post a hugely long entry about what has been going on lately… and boy has it been a lot!

It’s official, I am back on track diet-wise, but still have no time to exercise- or energy for that matter. I read the last few updates from everyone and it seems I’m not the only one having issues at the moment. I wish you all well!

My goal is to be 149.0 in 52 days from now. I am not going to obsessively track my weight and probably won’t even begin to track at all until I have been “clean” for a couple of weeks straight. I know I’ve been slowly gaining since June when DH came home, but I don’t really feel like facing the scale at the moment, I only hope that when I do I come close to 157 (or at) which is where I was maintaining that first week he came home.

That’s all for now, more soon. Miss you all!

2ndSeptember

Malarkey in my mind…

SCREAM! PUNCH! GROWL! KICK! SMASH!

Still alive…

Not having a good time….

When will all this bullshit end?

Grr…

Try to be back soon…

In good news… Fall is a coming, oh how I love Fall…

Setting a personal goal to make it to the 140’s by Halloween…

Feels like I’ve been here before, at least I have no appetite today…

May the weight loss Gods be on my side!