Diary of a Mad Fat Woman

Dag nab it! My effing scale was off level and I didn’t realize it until later in the day and now I’m all depressed! I was on such a high after seeing that this morning and now I get crushed. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if I haven’t been on this mini plateau for a week. Oh well.

Went to the gym today for 500 calories and finally went to VS to spend my cards. I got 5 pairs of panties, a 1oz bottle of perfume, and a big bottle of matching lotion. Not much else going on in my world today, going to try to hit the hay early tonight and actually sleep.

I have had a ton of stuff to do lately and things have been really hectic, it’s pretty odd seeing as how I don’t have a full household to take care of. Well I had my dental and eye exam, need a filling worked on next month, while my eyes have “stabalized” for the time being. I’m really excited about that part seeing as how my eyes have consistently gotten worse over the last 10-12 eye exams. I’m currently in a -6.50 contact lens, so any break from getting worse vision is welcomed. I am going to experiment with color lenes this time and I’m pretty excited. I have to call tomorrow to see if the secretary/assistant/nurse? has tracked me down a pair to test out. They want to let me test them and come back in for a pressure test after a couple of weeks to see if my eyes like them. I didn’t realize it, but color contacts only come in certain base curves and diameters, so not everyone is a good candidate to wear them.

I have been trying to remember to water my plants lately too and they are looking kind of sad, but I’m getting better at this while green thumb thing, lol. I had to cut the grass today for the second time this spring and need to weedeat, but I can’t get the stupid weedeater to stop sucking the string back inside the motor, I wonder what I’m doing wrong? I think we are going to get some rain today too, so I suspect I will be cutting grass again sometime in the next week.

DH is starting to feel a little better, he just started talking to a therapist in the last week to try to work through some of the issues he is having. I feel like this is really going to get his head back together. Thanks everyone that offered encouragement about all this, it’s so much harder when the person that needs you most is so fr away. Some good news is that with his first round of “deployment cash” we have paid off both of our credit cards. Yah! Now the only loan we still owe on is my car- outside of the recurring bills like gas, food, cell phones, internet, etc. It’s a big load off to feel debt free for once in such a long time. I hope that the trend continues and he can come home to a nice stash in the savings account. It’s outrageous though the amount of money they have to spend over there. They don’t allow them to cook food in their rooms or provide them a shared kitchen to use. He is pretty much living off whatever takeout is available and it’s a huge money drainer! Not to mention unhealthy! You’d think the military would want their guys eating nutritious homecooked food, but apparently not. They have a galley/mess hall, but it’s only open certain hours and the prices there are not much better. I would write a strongly worded letter if I actually thought it would help.

I went to the gym today and did 40mins strength training for 320 calories. I was going to do some cardio too, but I knew DH was going to call soon and I didn’t want to miss it so I left early. I am really getting frustrated this week with my weight. Even though i was down for my weigh in, I keep sliding up and down on the scale. It has been at it for a week now and I just want to see a lower number consistently for a change. For example, Thu-166.6, Fri- 167.2, Sat- 168.2, Sun- 167.4, Mon- 167.0, Tues- 167.0, Wed- 167.2. It makes me feel like even though I lost 2lbs from last week, it looks like I haven’t lost anything in a week. My food choices haven’t been bad, yesterday I had a lot of cheese, but my overall calories were under 1500. Today I had leftovers from yesterday and I am afriad that tomorrow will be another 167.something. I want to see that 166 again and I only have until Sunday to get to 165.0 if I want to be on track. Gah, enough bitching, I just had to get it out of my system.

So that’s most of what has been going on with me lately. I hope to head to the gym again tomorrow and get in some cardio. I have plans to actually go to bed by midnight tonight so that I can get up a lot earlier than 2pm.  I have been awake as late as 5am recently. I even took 4 tylenol simply sleeps the other night trying to get a head start on the sandman and nothing happened. What is with me? Maybe I should just pull a all nighter and then I’d have to sleepy by time the next midnight came around. That would screw with my weight loss though… Ugh.

Sorry I’m late updating, I have had tons going on lately. I was down to 167.0 for this weeks weigh in, goal for next week is 165.0. I feel like it’s coming off so slowly, but right now I am on track with 2lbs per week so I really can’t complain. I was supposed to be doing c25k, but I got sidetracked and haven’t ran in about a week. I hope to go to the gym tomorrow, I need to really get a schedule going. Maybe this will be my week? Well I gotta run for now, but I hope to write a longer post later. Good luck to everyone this week! -Pepa

I have been doing a lot of research on weight training lately in the hopes of strengthening my legs for running. I read a few different times that contray to popular belief, I should be lifting heavier weights for shorter reps to encourage muscle growth. More muscles equals less fat and more fat burning power. So lat night at the gym, I tried lifting heavier and less, boy today I have that brand new sore feeling again in a few places, but that’s a good thing. So hopefully over the long haul this will really help out. I did about 600 calorie burn yestreday not including a 7min run/jog/walk around the neighborhood last night. The air was perfect and I probably would have done more if so many people had’nt been out and about. I just hate people looking at me while I run, it gets my focus off and I do worse than if I were alone. Tonight is C25K week one workout 2, I will be doing it on the treadmill listening to the podcast. Lets hope that it is easier than last time.

I have been tanning the last 3 days and enjoying the heck out of it, but today is going to be an off day. I have a mild burn on my middle back and I want to allow it to heal up before heading back in. It’s really weird though, nothing else burned at all except my back and I flip over constantly while in there, hmm. Sensitive skin that never gets any sun exporsure I guess. Don’t know what kind of things I will be getting into today, I need to plant my tomatoes while they are still alive, lol. Maybe head up to the mall and use my VS card to buy some stuff. The thing is I 2 $10 cards, but they can’t be combined. If I buy a  bra I’m looking at spending at least $25.00-$30.00 on top of the card… which I don’t have. Or I could buy some spray and get it free, or there is always the 5 for $25.00 panties that would only cost me $15.00, descisions, descisions…

Weight is coming along nicely again this week, my TOM is ending tomorrow and I think that it really helped along the loss since I didn’t binge this week. I will update the weight on Sunday though as I am trying to stick to a strict schedule of only doing an official weigh in once a week. I have a pair of capri’s that I bought last summer that were on the tight side then and now and getting pretty loose, so maybe I should go out and grab another pair. It is too frickin hot to be running around in jeans and I’m still too big to feel comfortable in shorts. I can’t believe that in a week it will be MAY! I will be posting my new progress pics sometime around the first, so let’s hope we can all see a difference.

DH has been gone exaclty one month today, five more to go. In some ways I can’t believe it and in others it seems like such a long time since we have been together. We have been fortunate to talk a whole lot, probably more than most in our situation, but he is really struggling. I haven’t been writing about it on here since most of the issues are deeply personal to him and I didn’t think it would be appropriate, but I worry about him a lot. He is pretty sure that he wants to leave the service after this term, maybe even request and early out. I only want his happiness and will support whatever descision he makes, but I am scared for our future in a way too. At this point neither of us have a degree, nor do we have a considerable amount of money in savings to supplement us if we need time to find jobs, move, buy a home, etc. I have been wracking my brains over the last couple of weeks searching for the right answers, but so far nothing has seemed to strike me as a great plan. I still have 2 years left to pay on my car which when done would be a huge burden off my shoulders, but there are still so many other things to consider when making a lifestlye change this big. Really and truly with our education and working experience, I don’t think we would be able to find jobs that allow for the same lifestlye as the military provides. If you are the praying type I would ask that you remember us in your prayers and ask that we recieve guidance through all this, especially DH, he really is having such a hard time. Thanks chickies for all your support. -Pepagirl

Sorry i didn’t post yesterday, it was a busy one! My weight yesterday morning was down to 169.6, so I taking it as my goal met and saying bye bye to the 170’s! This Sunday’s goal weight in 167.8 which is less than 2lbs so I should have no problems meeting it. Things have gotten considerably better since the incident Saturday that make me overeat and now I’m all good again. Thanks guys for your well wishes and support.

Yesterday I went to the dentist and they said everything looked pretty good, except one of my old fillings needs to be redone. Ick, so I have an appointment for that in May. I only have four fillings total so I think I’m doing ok, the dentist acted like four was really good and that most people have more so I guess it makes me feel like I’m doing something rght.

I started tanning yesterday too and my goodness it felt great. I don’t plan on making it a life habit or anything, but doing it every few summers to feel good and look nice is a real self-esteem lifter. I signed up for a package with the best beds that have the least “damaging” rays so that’s a plus as far as fake baking goes. I think once I get a nice tan going I might switch over to spray tan. The girls at the beds told me that after you get a nice base tan the spray tan looks a lot more natural and keeps you from being exposed to so much UV by swtiching it up, so another plus to keep me as safe as possible in the situation.

I also started week one of c25k last night and I made it through. I think that my problem with running is my weak thighs. I am and have been a toe-walker since i was a toddler. I can’t find any info specifically on the effects of prolonged toe-walking, but I have to assume it makes certian muscles groups in your legs stronger and others weaker. I have very strong calves, but my glutes and thighs are pretty weak. Last night while running I tried to focus in on my thighs and glutes and it seemed to help me get less winded as quickly. I pray that training these areas and doing c25k will get me running full time. I have always wanted to, but never had the stamina to do it.

I guess that’s about all for today, I’m about to get ready and head out to run some errands. TBL is on tonight and I definitely want to be back in time to catch it. I have my annual eye exam tomorrow, so wish me luck that my eyes are good and I get a shiny new contact lens prescription!

Sunday is my official weigh day, but I think I want to cheat a little…. yesterday was my first officiall diet flub. Some issues cropped up and just put my day into a tail-spin. I woke up with every intention of doing well, but after some bad news I felt like I was nearing a mental break down. I didn’t eat anything at all for the first 6 hours or so, then after the hunger pains hit I was at someone else’s house and all that I could eat was left over pizza hut. I had one slice with half a bread stick and a serving of their alfredo, followed by an ice cream sandwich. After this the day got really hectic for another 5-6 hours and by time I realized it I was hungry again. This time we were all on the road and I got a chicken quesadilla and crunchwrap supreme from taco bell. This was the first time in over 3 weeks that I had fast food and let me tell you, the salt is killing me today. I’m sore, bloated and feel dehydrated. I totaled the calories up last night and my day came in at about 2300-2500, so it wasn’t a whopping fail, but it was over and the choices sucked.

That brings me to weigh in, this morning I weighed 171.2, however the last two day before I weighed 169.2 which is .6lbs under my goal weight for the week of 169.8. I am not going to call anything offcial until the morning, when hopefully I’m not so salt bloated and maybe I take a poop. It’s crazy it seems like some times that if something epic is going to come along and ruin my weight loss, it will happen the day before weigh in! I’m hoping that tomorrow will bring those 160’s back and that life won’t throw me anymore wild pitches for a while, I’m tired of hanging out in left field!

Call me crazy but it seems like some of my favorite bloggers have dropped off the face of the Earth lately. I know we are busy and happy that it’s spring but, let someone know that you are alive why don’t cha?

Here is a short list of the people that I know are MIA right now… at least in my book.

Jelbelle, put down the book!

Did, put down the moving boxes and the crystals!

Tammy, how’s the diet going are you on plan?

Garnet, blow off work for a day and relax! Hope your DH is good!

Eileen, is your project at work done? We miss you!

Sparkling, are you EVER coming back?

Michelle, where in the world are you? Cali, Philly, Aussie?

Ok so that’s everybody that I can think of off the top of my head, if I forgot anyone sorry, but that doesn’t mean that you are exempt from checking in once in a while. I just miss you guys, come back soon and let us know whats up. Yeah yeah and I know some have been gone longer than others, but I just felt like posting a shout out to say HELLO? Anyone out there?

on the scale that is! I’m trying to stick to a weekly Sunday weigh in, so I won’t elaborate any more until then. I went to the gym for the last two days and burned 1550 calories total! Eating has been right on plan as well and I’m seeing the start of results on the scale, yes! So ladies I have a question for you, how long does it take for you to see a difference in your arms and thighs? I ask because mine have barely changed measurements since I began losing weight 100lbs ago. It’s so frustrating, I do all kind of exercises for them too, but it’s like they are the last part of me to go. Face, back, neck, shoulders, hands, fingers, boobs, stomach, and feet have all shown significant improvement, but not my arms or thighs!

Thanks everybody for all the encouragement the other day. Things have gotten somewhat better and he did end up calling me that day anyway because they had a sandstorm and had to leave work early. He is very stressed out, I think a lot more than normal from what he’s told me, and I hate that I can’t really do anything for him. It drives me crazy, maybe I just have a mother complex with him, but I’d rather take a bullet than see him unhappy. I have been praying a lot for him and hope that things get better soon.

I am doing my best to put the bad out of my head during the day and live my life, but it’s still hard. At least I’m not having any problems sticking to the diet. My biggest issue is creating a solid routine to follow for the gym  and my chores, but I’m getting there. Well girls that’s about all I got right now, I need to hit the hay. I’ll definitely be back on Sunday for my weigh in! The goal is to be 169.8 to say goodbye to the 170’s forever!

Alright, so on Sunday while talking to DH he told me that he wanted to let me know that he needed a couple of days to relax and not worry about talking/emailing because things out there are getting really busy and he has a lot on his mind/slash needs me time/ time to think. I was like, “Ok sweetie, that’s fine.” and am/was cool with it. As much as I want to hear from him everyday when I know he has a minute or two,  I also know that he is under tons of pressure and stress. Well just now I get a text that just tried to break my heart saying… “Gonna be longer gotta hit work hard next few days. Miss u talk when I can.” I got the text at 8:30am over here (half asleep) and immediately text back… “Let me get a text or email from u, I love you and God I miss you.” Then realizing in my sleepy stupor what I just said I text again… “When I said that, I meant like a goodnight I’m ok and alive type thing btw. Love you, Heather”

So now I kind of have a little anxiety over the whole thing, about saying to text me and the initial text saying he would be too busy to talk. #1 I don’t want him feeling more pressured to talk/email/text when he just said it would be hard for him. #2 Don’t want him feeling like I’m being overly clingy. #3 In the moment right now I’m really sad because really, what is “the next few days.”? Is that like 2,3,4,5…? I’m one of those people that craves structure and needs to know how things work, so while I don’t want to badger the poor man to death, I’m also sick now worried about all this. #4 Slightly bothered that the message didn’t say I love you, since we always say it… Gah, I know my brain is making mountains out of mole hills here, but I can’t help it- this is how I function.

We recently had a few issues that are still weighing on my mind and I’m also worried about hearing his sweet voice to know that everything is all ok. I guess this is me being me and finding all the insecurity I can. Why am I so insecure? I know the man loves me and he’s really good to me, but we have our disagreements like anyone else. It’s just so hard to be learn to just be ok with it all when you are so far apart. I want more than anything to just be supportive and secure in the knowlegde that it’s ok and he would talk to me if it were reasonable. How do I get myself through another 2,3,4,5,etc nights without crying about it, missing him, or worrying to death about what is going so far away? Last night I was lying in bed and couldn’t sleep because I was missing him so much, the nights alone are the hardest- when it’s just you and your brain going at it all night long… I’ve been doing a lot to fill my days, but the nights… *sigh* I was thinking last night to myself, “Ok great if I can just go to sleep tonight, it’s been 2 days now, so tomorrow we will talk…” and now, I wide awake blogging out my feelings hoping that I’ll gain some clarity/sanity from getting these feelings out.

With all that said, if you ladies have any words of encouragement over the next few days they would be highly appreciated. Thanks you gals for all your support.

The journey that life has me on right now is about finding myself. I am in here somewhere amongst the weight, the tears, and the fear. When did I lose that thing that makes me, me? I’m a compulsive worrier and a closet crier. I seem so well put together to most, but when I’m alone and in my comfort zone, I sometimes fall apart. I don’t know if the weight has made me insecure or if the insecurity made me fat… I guess there’s the chicken and the egg for you. Either way it’s time to fix both problems. This is me time and I’m going to take advantage of it, it’s time to find Pepagirl and bring her home.

I have a story about who pepagirl actually is. She was born in 1999 when I was in the 6th grade. I was bestown this name by a great friend, his name was Danny. He was the kind of kid that everybody loved; super smart, witty as all hell, charming, cool, cute, and just bad enough to make all the girls secretly want him. He was one of my best friends, we used to pass notes, talk on the phone, and get into mischief together. He got me started on a website called neopets that year, he actually created an account for me and named it Pepagirl. I loved playing and the name really stuck with me; I already had the nickname Pepper because of all my freckles, but Pepagirl was better because I hated my freckles! A year later Danny was diagnosed with cancer, he died when we were Freshmen in highschool. To this day I honor his memory by keeping Pepagirl as my internet call sign. i think it’s time to find that smart, funny, confident, and optimistic 6th grade girl named Pepper-Pepagirl and bring her home to stay.

Weight today was 171.4, down 3.2lbs for the week, Hoo-yah! 26.4 more to go, to get to my minimum loss goal weight of 145. I have been OP diet-wise, but I need to get to the gym more. Here’s to a great week everybody! -Pepagirl