Diary of a Mad Fat Woman

I am so tired right now and have a huge headache, but I wanted to do a short update on what’s going on. My bestie and her DH and 2 kids arrived today and I am so happy! I also got a reminder of why we don’t have children yet, lol. I love my niece and nephew to death, but I have to admit  forgot how quickly a 3 & 5 year old can give you a headache and make a tornado out of your living room. I don’t even have any toys for kids and yet, trashed! Lol,  love ‘em though and wouldn’t have it any other way- just glad I’m only AUNT Heather and not Mama. They got here and we sat around talking and ordered in chinese- not a good descision but, right now I don’t care I’m just happy they are here.

For the next few days though I’m sure I’ll have a whirlwind of stuff to do with them. They are getting the keys to their house tomorrow and their movers are supposed to come too, so I’m going to help them unpack. I’m sure I’ll also be showing them around the area for the next week and introducing them to all the stuff there is around here. I’m not taking a break- per say, but I can’t lie and say that my weight loss is going to be the number one thing in my mind for now. That’s why I really wanted to tell you all about my DH’s deployment and my bestie moving here; to know that I’m not out, just taking a breather since SO much is changing in out lives right now.

I’ll try to still post updates, but for the next week I’ll probably be a little more scarce than usual. Well I guess that’s all for now, I’m going to try to take an aspirin and go to bed now. Good luck to all this week! -Pepa

Oh fudge! I fudged up today- no really, literally fudged up. They day started off perfectly, I had an orange for breakfast, then soup for lunch, and then the EVIL fugde. DH and I went to the grocery store to pick up toliet paper while we were out this evening and of course when you first walk into the door you are in the bakery/deli section. Well, I just so happen to see a sign that say’s, “Just like Grandma’s” and it’s a huge display of valentines wrapped fudge and it looked so frickin good! I’m drooling over it and DH is like “That’s my Heather, looking at the sweets…” I could have, ShOuLdhave resisted it, but I didn’t. DH was like I’ll buy it for you as an early V-day present and I just go happily right along with it. It didn’t help that I was starving and I end up eating it in the car on the way home- yes, all of it (at least it’s gone now, doh!). Then dinner tonight was not good at all either, DH wanted this hamburger dish that he loves. It’s basically beef with cheese and potatoes… and I ate that too because he had to go to bed soon for work in the morning and I didn’t want to waste time making a “special” meal just for myself. I didn’t eat much, but I still feel like a failure today.

The good news is that my BM’s are back, or at least getting there. I’m looking at Type 2 & 3 for the last 2 days and they are getting better- thank God! Also good news is that I have begun to like water again and have still been ditching the diet soda. My bestie will Finally be here tomorrow, so that goes in the good category too. Even though I had a fail today, I am still going to celebrate the good stuff: the fact that I am pooping again, that I am drinking water and not soda, that I ate as close to home-made fudge as possible without all that extra chemicals in it, that we did not go to the Golden Corral like we were going to and that I ate homecooked food- even if it was bad, and last but not least, my DR app. is only 3 days away now!

Now that I have scolded myself and submitted myself to public failure, I can get back to calorie counting tomorrow. I HATE having to admit this stuff to you guys, but I know that it’s the only way to truly face what I am doing to myself- even if it’s only fudge. I have figured out a big trigger for me though when it comes to impulsive eating, the fear of boredom. Eating= something to do and it can be very satisfying if it tastes good.

The next statement that I have to make is so hard to even think, much less write down, but stuff like this makes me want DH’s deployment start. I DO NOT IN ANY REALITY want him to leave, but knowing that it is ineveitable, makes me want it to just start and then I can stop this hurry up and wait game and really get down to business. God, I feel absolutely horrible for saying that, do I really mean it? Absolutely not, if a genie came to me right now and said they would grant that wish for free, I would refuse. Hell, I’d probably offer a year (or more) of my later years just to keep him here longer. I feel in a lot of ways that he does hold me back, not through any fault of his own though. Maybe I’m just making excuses so that I don’t have to take the full blame, but a big part of me wonders if I were alone today, would I have bought that fudge? That fudge was just something to do and I absolutely HATE to do anything by myself- except watch tv shows (at home) and go to the gym. I won’t even go to the drive-thru by myself, I just don’t feel like spending money is worth it unless I have someone to share it with. If DH wants fast food though, I’m all over it, sitting with the tv tables watching the red box movie eating some taco bell. If I were alone? I’d be watching The Tudors or True Blood with a granola bar or healthy choice.

I’m so glad that tomorrow is a new day- screw yesterday, tomorrow here I come.

I feel like I’ve been here a few times before, complaining about my body and what it’s currently doing. I know it’s really not my body’s fault. It’s only doing the things that it was intended to do, barring some awful disease that prevents normal weight loss function. Sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down; it’s all normal and I’m sure there is a perfectly good reason that none of us that wants to lose weight can really understand. Today things are in suckville for me. TOM is in town and I had a nice fat 2.6 pound gain on the scale this morning. It is so strange, sometimes TOM leaves me alone and I don’t gain at all and somtimes TOM leaves me these nasty little reminders of all that is crappy about being a woman. So today I weigh 172.4 . I know it’s not permanant and will be gone by the end of next week, but it still bites!

**WARNING THE NEXT PARGRAPH IS ALL ABOUT POOP, IF YOU DON’T WANNA KNOW SKIP DOWN**

In the land of *TMI* today, I have decided after much research and pondering that low carb just isn’t going to really work for my body. The upside, I lost a nice 6 pounds within the first 3 weeks and I am thrilled with that. The downside, I have not lost much out of my rear section in the same amount of time. I tried miralax and a little bit came with it, but not anything like I’m used to seeing. Goodnuff posted this scale Bristol Stool Chart  on her blog about poop a little while back. I have been a Type 4 on this scale for as long as I have been dieting and counting calories (2-3 years now). I usually have a BM everyday to everyother day as well, in my mind I think of them as “satisfying BM’s” because they are usually substantial enough to make me feel “lighter” after and I think that I have been very regular and healthy with them. I eat a ton of fiber in my regular calorie counting diet and very little fat. Since starting low carb 3 weeks ago, I have been Type 6 and they have been very small and at least 3 days apart if not 4 days. I don’t like it, I like my “satisfying BM’s” and I want them back. Even the miralax didn’t do much except make my Type 6 closer to a Type 7 and just a tad more of it.

**END OF POOP TMI PARGRAPH**

So, all that being said you ask, “Why in the hell did you switch off calorie counting if it worked so well?” I did it because Christmas got me really off track and I though maybe trying something new would help me get re-started and because I’m not supposed to be working out hardcore right now. I thought maybe it’s time to try something new and I’m sorry to any hardcore low-carber’s that are thinking psh, “you didn’t even really try,” but I can tell my body is different now and it’s not going to be the best thing for me. I did do Atkin’s about 3 years ago and it worked pretty good while I was on it, but I also wasn’t working out at all then. That’s another thing that really makes me think that low carb isn’t the way for me. When I wake up in the morning I feel so tired, like I barely have the energy to climb out of bed. If I truly want to work out as much as I plan on, I don’t think it would be possible. I’d probably turn into a nice ball of fatty goo right on the gym floor with the way I have been feeling. One of my honest concerns though, is what I’ve read about exercise and carb intake. It sounds to me like the jist is if I eat let’s say cottage cheese with toast for breakfast, then go workout, that the only thing I’m burning is the carbs/sugar in the bread I just ate and not my own fat reserves. I’ve read that some trainers say to workout on an empty stomach for this reason alone, while others swear against the no breakfast first thing. What gives? What is the right answer? I know if I don’t eat some kind of carb before working out I feel so sluggish that I leave the gym early or don’t work out nearly as hard as I could. But, I don’t want to spend that time “burning the wrong thing”, if that’s really possible.

With all that said (wow am I long winded lately or what?), I broke the low carb diet today in the desparate hope of a normal Type 4 movement sometime in the next 24 hours. I am going to revert back to calorie counting today and begin logging my meals in the tabs up top, like I did last year. I plan on keeping my calories at 1200 for now and will increase them once I can work out normally. I expect a small gain with the switch and TOM going on, so I hate it but Sparkling I am probably really going to blow the January challenge since the weigh in is on Monday. The great news that I am so desperate to hear is the good to go for working out, it will hopefully be given to me on Tuesday, which means that I should have a fighting chance for the Didi’s St. Patrick’s Day Challenge. I am half Irish so I better kick ass for that one or I’m a sorry excuse! I guess that’s all my ramblings for now, I felt like I had more but my mind just went blank. It probably has something to do with being nearly midnight. I guess I will check back in with everyone tomorrow and thanks to all that actually sit down to read all my mad ramblings!

Check out my new section on top called “What’s going on with Pepa’s Blog???” for an explaination of what I’m doing around here lately. And let me know what you think about my situation/plan.

For Garnetrising: Let me know when you want to start together and what exactly our plan will be. If you want to monitor just eachother’s weight or even food logs. Or just keep up with eachother weekly on what is going on whilst our DH’s are away. We can do this chickie!

Frustrating past few days it has been. My weight goes down a pound, goes back up .8 pounds. My weight goes down .8 pounds, goes back up .6 pounds- and so on… I know that it is inching downward ever so slowly and that’s good. I just hate the limbo! Really I should set up a speaker playing funky limbo music every morning before getting on the scale!

*TMI* I was reading blogs and saw that I’m not the only one experiencing lack of BM this month too. Last night I was having really bad intestinal pain, I could actually press down on my abdomen and “push” it along inside there! Uhg, low carb= low fiber apparently. I tried some miralax and there is definitely movement in there, still no exiting though… Anyone that’s doing low carb got a good food to eat to keep things moving down there without messing up your ketosis or carbs?

I was at 169.8 this AM, up from 169.2 a day ago, I am really starting to worry about the January challenge that i am participating in. I am supposed to be at 166.2 by the 31st to lose my 5 pounds for the month. I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I just hate losing- and feeling like I let anyone else down either. I know that the point isn’t that though, it’s having the support and motivation- which I definitely have. I know I’m doing everything right, my body is just still “getting with the program”. I’ll be hoping for some real loss soon. Good luck this week chickies! January is almost gone- we are closer and closer to only 11 more months on those resolutions! Can you believe that it’s been a whole month since Christmas? I can’t- WOW!

Today I woke up to a .8 pound loss, thank the lord! I have definitely noticed a huge decrease in my appetite, actually I don’t have one any more. I have been having to remember to eat. Really in most of my diets I have got to a point where I no longer feel hunger, so I guess that’s good for me. I really haven’t had any cravings either, I’ve had plenty of moments where I’m like I do not want to eat anymore meat, I want bread and noodles. But, I haven’t had that nagging gotta have it feeling yet.

Today on Didi’s blog (bits of string and sealing wax), I was reading about her new scale that measures muscle. I think that’s really cool and hopefully one day soon I can afford to get one. I have one that reads water and body fat, but not muscle. I don’t remember what my highest body fat ever was, but I know that my lowest at 155 was 27%, right now I am at 38%. It’s really strange, I was working out like crazy for over 2 months and my body fat barely budged, I’m talking only fractions of a percent. I wonder why? When I got to 27% I wasn’t even working out really…

Oh well, I hope that the trend of loss continues tomorrow and that I can move the number on that ticker again. Some other good news is that I have a goal on Fit Day to be at 135 by May the 1st and so far my loss is tracking ok, but I’m reaching the crunch now. I just want to be able to lose consistently!

My BFF and her DH are heading to see his family first before coming here, so I’ll have to wait another week to see them. Sucks, because I already cleaned up the house and got their room ready here. I’ll just have to stay on top of things until next weekend so I’ll still be ready. Until next time… -Pepa

Seriously if you want to take my plateau I’m offering up for sale on ebay. My strips have turned a nice dark color now and I know for a fact that I have been in ketosis for the last few days, and yet still no loss. No gain either, but still… I mean really the scale has read the exact same number for almost a week now. I even started counting my calories too along with carbs to make sure I wasn’t overreating! I’m hovering around 1300 calories for the last few days and yet no loss. I gave up diet soda, and no loss. I really, really hate not being able to go to the gym! I’m really finding it hard to believe in the low carb thing right now, even if I had shown a .2 pound loss or anything, I at least wouldn’t be so discouraged. I am going to continue through next week and pray that things get better, but if I that number hasn’t budged by the end of next week- I may just axe low carb and go back to calorie counting… I don’t know I’m just not in a good mood today with all of this going on.

The good news is my BFF is moving out of her house tomorrow and will be on her way here, so I am really excited about that. We also found out that our DH’s are more than likely going to be going on deployment at the same time, so at least we can be lonely together for a few months- though her husband will only be gone for 3-4 months and mine will be gone for 6-7 months :( .

I’ll update you guys when I can about all that stuff, but my main goal for while he is gone is to just lose 5 pounds a month. That’s 30 pounds while he’s gone which would put me right around my goal weight. I don’t think 5 pounds a month is unreasonable for anyone out there really, so I’m confident that I can do this.- especially when I can get back to the gym.

*UPDATE* I’ll post later, but I just wanted to update my ticker and let everyone know that I FINALLY lost .8 pounds this morning! Yah, whoo-hoo! BTW, my ticker is separate from the challenge weight loss for anyone that’s participating in that this month.

I told everybody about how I can’t do hard physical activity for a few weeks and how I had started to delve into the land of low carb dieting. I am actually adjusting to the low carb thing pretty well and have seemed to really kick some of my worst cravings, like pancakes. Before a week ago I could not look at the word pankcake with out drooling a bit, and right now I don’t have any cravings for that. So, I now believe that low carb can really help those out that have a sugar addiction like I do. If you a stranger to low carb, you probably have no idea about what I’m going to talk about next, but I’ll do my best to explain it a little.

Whenever you limit your carbs so much, your body has to start relying on your fat stores for energy. One way that you can tell if you are buring fat in this way is by the amount of ketones that you are urinating. They make these special little urine test strips for dieters and people with diabetes to use to show you how many ketones you are excreting. The scale goes from a yellowish-white that means none, all the way to a really dark purple that means a whole lot. I just picked up some of these nifty strips yesterday and was kinda bummed when my only turned light pink. That means I’m not doing something right, seeing as how I’ve been at this for a week now. My weight over the last 4 days has been stagnant as well, not losing though not gaining. It sucks I really wanted a little loss before Sparklings weigh in tomorrow!

My best guess is that my diet soda is the death of my weight loss, yes that tempting little can of joy is a real bitch sometimes. I just did a little research about other people and diet soda, though calorie free, can really eff with a ketogenic diet. I have 2 fricken cases in the cabinet right now, what is a poor diet soda addict to do? I only did low carb once before for a while and I didnt drink diet soda like the plague back then, so I never got the nasty no loss side effect that I am getting now. In fact, the last time I lost like 80 pounds on just a low calorie diet with no red meat and I guzzled diet soda then with no side effects.

Anyways, I really, really want to continue with the low carbs, so I am now going to not only try to stay away from all those tasty starches, but also my life’s blood coke zero. I plan on giving it up right this very second and making the switch to water, yuk, and pray that in a couple of days my urine will make those nifty little strips turn purple as Barney.

So yesterday I went to the Dr for an issue I had been having for a little while. The diagnosis is that I will live, but I am not to do anything strenuous or anything high impact for the next two weeks. Which is actually 3 weeks because that’s when the next appointment is available for a follow up. So that pretty much nixes the gym, but I can still go walking and do arms and stuff. I’m a little bummed, but I will not be detered! I started on a low carb diet a couple of days ago, it makes my calories a little higher than usual, but I hope that the fact I am giving up sugars will help me lose weight more consistently. I did have a gain on the scale today, but I’ve heard that happens in the first few days of re-introducing more meats into your diet. So lets hope that I have a loss before Sparkling’s January challenge weigh in on the 18th. We are simply striving to lose 5 pounds in the month of January, thats pretty much do-able for anybody and I think we will be so proud of ourselves once we achieve it. Well that’s pretty much it for now, I’m about to kick up my feet and relax today. -Pepa

I’m pretty sure that almost all of you here can agree with the post that I have for today. Since we are all trying to lose weight or trying to maintain after a weight loss, most of us have fallen off the wagon at one point or another. I bet that also 90% of the people here have been at a higher weight than they are today, even if only by a few pounds. This is where the deadly comparison comes in.

My deadly comparison is that I did have a year where I fell off the wagon, and over that year I regained 30 precious pounds that I had once sent packing- I had hoped for good. When I recommitted to losing weight again, those 30 pounds were always there gnawing at the back of my mind. Beating my down, telling me that if I had only maintained or continued, I would be at such a great starting place now. Those pounds are the worst, the ones that come back to haunt you over and over again. I have seen the same 20 pounds especially, come and go many many times. All the while searching for that elusive number that I was able to attain once. Why can’t I get there again? I did it before, why is it so hard now?

It’s that comparison that can drag you to your knees and discourage everything you are trying so desperately to believe in. Just thinking now about all the progress that I have negated over and over again, never reaching that elusive low since; it’s enough to make any dieter weep. I want to let go of that number, and welcome all the new ones. Every pound that comes off, no matter if I ever reach that one number again or ever get lower than it, should be a victory. My life does not start again once I reach that number, it is here now and I am going to work so very hard to remember that all year.

I challenge you all to not wallow in what was or what could have been. Instead be proud that you are trying and know that we are all human and we will, whether we like it or not, have a bad day or even a string of bad days. Once we dust ourselves off and recommit, it is a brand new journey. Every. Single. Time. No more regrets, just a new day and a new start. -Pepa

My new journey 5 pounds at a time.