Oh fudge! I fudged up today- no really, literally fudged up. They day started off perfectly, I had an orange for breakfast, then soup for lunch, and then the EVIL fugde. DH and I went to the grocery store to pick up toliet paper while we were out this evening and of course when you first walk into the door you are in the bakery/deli section. Well, I just so happen to see a sign that say’s, “Just like Grandma’s” and it’s a huge display of valentines wrapped fudge and it looked so frickin good! I’m drooling over it and DH is like “That’s my Heather, looking at the sweets…” I could have, ShOuLdhave resisted it, but I didn’t. DH was like I’ll buy it for you as an early V-day present and I just go happily right along with it. It didn’t help that I was starving and I end up eating it in the car on the way home- yes, all of it (at least it’s gone now, doh!). Then dinner tonight was not good at all either, DH wanted this hamburger dish that he loves. It’s basically beef with cheese and potatoes… and I ate that too because he had to go to bed soon for work in the morning and I didn’t want to waste time making a “special” meal just for myself. I didn’t eat much, but I still feel like a failure today.
The good news is that my BM’s are back, or at least getting there. I’m looking at Type 2 & 3 for the last 2 days and they are getting better- thank God! Also good news is that I have begun to like water again and have still been ditching the diet soda. My bestie will Finally be here tomorrow, so that goes in the good category too. Even though I had a fail today, I am still going to celebrate the good stuff: the fact that I am pooping again, that I am drinking water and not soda, that I ate as close to home-made fudge as possible without all that extra chemicals in it, that we did not go to the Golden Corral like we were going to and that I ate homecooked food- even if it was bad, and last but not least, my DR app. is only 3 days away now!
Now that I have scolded myself and submitted myself to public failure, I can get back to calorie counting tomorrow. I HATE having to admit this stuff to you guys, but I know that it’s the only way to truly face what I am doing to myself- even if it’s only fudge. I have figured out a big trigger for me though when it comes to impulsive eating, the fear of boredom. Eating= something to do and it can be very satisfying if it tastes good.
The next statement that I have to make is so hard to even think, much less write down, but stuff like this makes me want DH’s deployment start. I DO NOT IN ANY REALITY want him to leave, but knowing that it is ineveitable, makes me want it to just start and then I can stop this hurry up and wait game and really get down to business. God, I feel absolutely horrible for saying that, do I really mean it? Absolutely not, if a genie came to me right now and said they would grant that wish for free, I would refuse. Hell, I’d probably offer a year (or more) of my later years just to keep him here longer. I feel in a lot of ways that he does hold me back, not through any fault of his own though. Maybe I’m just making excuses so that I don’t have to take the full blame, but a big part of me wonders if I were alone today, would I have bought that fudge? That fudge was just something to do and I absolutely HATE to do anything by myself- except watch tv shows (at home) and go to the gym. I won’t even go to the drive-thru by myself, I just don’t feel like spending money is worth it unless I have someone to share it with. If DH wants fast food though, I’m all over it, sitting with the tv tables watching the red box movie eating some taco bell. If I were alone? I’d be watching The Tudors or True Blood with a granola bar or healthy choice.
I’m so glad that tomorrow is a new day- screw yesterday, tomorrow here I come.