Diary of a Mad Fat Woman

Updating a day early this week, I am so swamped. I am also SO behind. I am not going to weigh in this week because I know it will be demotivating. I have NOT been on track this week. I am about to resort to drastic measures and begin taping cutouts of victoria’s secret models all over the house again. I do this every so often believe it or not, seeing those skinny bitches looking at me while I eat cookies is serious buzz kill. DH finds it hard to take a crap though with Giselle Bundchen staring at him from the bathroom mirror… he’ll get over it. I am going grocery shopping tomorrow and I swear I’m going to buy nothing but bags of salad, fiber bars, oatmeal, and fresh fruit and veggies for myself. I don’t want to screw DH in the health food department because he is trying to eat better too, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of being fat right now, I think sicker that I may have ever been. Its funny how we can get to a point like that… I mean I’ve been way fatter and cared a lot less. I am like DESPERATELY WANTING to wear nice summer clothes this year and feel good in bathing suit. This may be the last summer that we live at the beach and I want to enjoy it! On a completely serious note, how much weight do you think I could lose if I ate nothing but the aforementioned for the next 3 months? I’ve never done a “stick to only this food” diet before, I’ve always allowed myself flexibility within my calorie range, but I’ve gotta do something to break this vicious cycle this time. I have the next two days off work and plan on working like a mad woman in my house to get it perfect for the week. I am STILL NOT going to the gym! Why can’t I get the motivation? I come home from work and get bogged down in other things and just don’t go! I really REALLY need to change this and soon. I am not drinking enough water again and am replacing it with snacking, I think I need to start using fiber powder again between meals to feel full. I am not a big protein girl, so fiber is my filler. I’m babysitting monsters overnight tonight until the evening tomorrow so I’ll have to fight to get anything done, hopefully I’ll find my path soon. Bikini dreaming, Pepa

This week I feel like things finally clicked and my 21 days of good behavior have paid off diet-wise. I was able to resist not one, but TWO of my favorites bad foods this week. I’m still struggling a small bit with not over indulging in the snacks I have at home, but I the urge to give in to outside temptation has greatly diminished. I’m enjoying eating my salads and healthy choice meals! It feels nice to not be stuffed. There is still work to be done, but I’m getting there and any progress is better than none. Not a big loss this week and statistically I’m behind schedule by about 3 pounds, but I’ll get there. I am trying to make some changes soon and have started to formulate a plot… I am comtemplating leaving my job around the 1st week in May and taking the summer off to enjoy myself and to work on myself again. I feel like with DH being in a such a better place that I could do better than last summer and finally make it to my desired end weight. In September when school starts back I’m thinking of taking over babysitting for my niece and nephew. I would be putting them on the bus in the morning around 8am, getting the 5yr old off the bus around noon, and then the 6yr old off at about 3pm. Their mom would be home to get them by 5pm and I’d have weekends off. She would pay me the same that I make at this job now and my hours would be the same and there’d really be no pressure… aggravation maybe, but not really stress. At least that’s how I look at it, kids get on my nerves but they don’t really make my blood boil or stress meout all to hell. Big plus is I get to stay home for the most part and do what I need to do. I can even take the 5yr old to the community center gym if I wanted to, but we;d probably just ride bikes or play the kinect if he was here. I think this is what I really want to do, I’m about 95% certain. This week I’m kind of working myself to death though, our anniversary is next month as is DH’s birthday and I want to be able to get him a nice gift and take him out for his bday. I REALLY want this summer off too though, so I have to find as many ways possible to make money to make it happen. I picked up 3 babysitting shifts (tonight overnight and half the day sat. & sun.) and then agreed to take a 3 hour shift at another store to get a few extra bucks on my day off. I’m also trying my hand at selling some stuff on craigslist, but so far no takers. I’m up way past my bedtime, so I must run. See you again next Sunday or sooner!

Goal: Lose 28.8lbs by April 1st, 2012.

Financial Goals: Save $4,423 more by December 31st, 2012.

* For the confused, financial goals were added today to aid me in preparing for my time off and other goals. These include a paying off my car a year early, buying a new dryer, christmas money, keeping 1k in savings for emergencies, & having my 30k maintenance done. It all works out to $95.00 per week or $140.00 per week if you include that I want to be out of work all summer… I will have to get very creative here.

This week was a little stressful, but I managed to get through it. I had my TOM and am still experiencing the “munchie crunchies” as I refer to them as. I always want something to crunch on like cereal, chips, crackers, cookies, etc. I overate a few days but still managed to lose a respectable amount for the week. I’m worried for next week since it’s already Tuesday and I can’t seem to kick the cravings. DH had a good friend come stay with us this weekend and my boss was nice enough to give me Thurs-Mon off to spend time with them while he was here. I had a really nice time and life seemed normal this weekend. No matter what this job just seems to be sucking my energy… it’s not even a hard job, I’ve done way worse and felt more vibrant. Maybe its just the timing in my life and all the circumstances… I used to enjoy working and earning a paycheck, but now it seems like a burden that takes away my time to live life the way I want to. This weekend my house has stayed spotless and the energy in here is so alive! I actually feel relaxed and happy, I HATE a messy house and more often than not mine is lately. DH and I did our taxes today and my portion of the return will be enough (when combined with my savings) to pay my car off about 18 months early. I’m undecided on whether I’ll squirrel away the money for the future or just pay off the car and release myself of the burden. Goodnuff asked last week about an update on DH and our situation, so I’m going to take a moment to play catch up here for you all. I really don’t remember where I left off explaining his situation, so I’ll just give an overall recap. He went to “rehab” for alcoholism back in September and finished in late October. He is going to AA 2-3x a week and is now 6 months sober. His overall attitude is a lot better and he’s made a lot of changes for the best. He has also begun to really dislike his job, but he reelisted for another 2 years back in December to get us on our feet and make a plan for when he gets out. At this time ETA to civilian life is December 2013, unless he changes his mind. I want him to be happy, but I have to admit I feel a great sense of loss if he really goes through with getting out. All these years (will be 8), tears, and fears will feel wasted to me if he doesn’t stick with it. It’s one thing to me to be separated or medically reitred, but to just quit when so many are being given the boot? It’s really hard for me to accept. It makes me feel selfish though because I’m not the one that has to go to work everyday and be stuck. I could quit my job in the blink of an eye; DH on the other hand cannot and ultimately it is his life and I want him to be happy. I do feel a lot better that he is getting his head together and accepts that he has issues. He has also been in therapy since September and just recently started taking anti-depressants, I hope they help. It’s pretty late and this is long so I’ll leave off here for now. More next time… Pepa

Goal: To lose 30lbs by April 1st, 2012

So I’m doing better this week than last so far. I’m actually updating on Sunday like I planned to do and I have been OP since the time I posted, with the exception of a munch fest of low sugar frosted shredded wheat… the good thing was it was FULL of FIBER and I’m quite confident that it is all out of my system now. I still haven’t been working out and I really am having a hard time getting myself back into it. This coming week I have a lot to do as well, DH is having an old friend come down this coming weekend so I have a lot to get done before Friday. This week I am making it a goal to get in 5 hours of extra activity! I am also making a personal goal to perfect my house before our guest arrives. I did drop a little weight this week so I’m excited by that and feel like pushing harder this week to make my goals. Good luck everyone!

Goal: To lose 32 lbs by April 1st, 2012

Week one wasn’t bad, yet wasn’t good. If it were week 10+ I’d say I should be doing better by now, but all in all as a week one, I’ll take it. I still ate sweets and didnt calorie track every single day, but I didnt gain weight so I’ll call it a success. I need to get better at resisting tempations again. Today for example, DH called and asked if I wanted some fast food, I said no but he could get me a salad with FF dressing. I ate the salad and was satisfied, but then DH pulled out half a dozen donuts AND I ate 3 of them. Why? I will do better.

Goal: Lose 38 lbs by April 1st, 2012

This year I don’t have any resolutions, those seem destined to be broken. I do however, have goals. After what started as a very promising 2011, the last half of the year turned to shit and pretty much puts 2011 in my top 5 worst years of my life. Good news is that things have imporved significantly in the last month and I am very hopeful for 2012. As I venture into this year my health and fitness related goals are…

1. To keep a complete food diary for all 365 days with calorie & fat information
2. To drink 160 ounces of water a day, before drinking any other liquid
3. To limit my diet soda intake to one 12pack case per shopping trip (every 2wks)
4. To limit daily calories to 1200, with one 1500 day per week
5. To lose 2 pounds per week
6. To ulimately weigh 135 pounds
7. To burn 650 calories per day through workouts to reach 2lb goal
8. To remember that a calorie limit does not mean I can’t have a treat
9. To learn that food should not control ones life, it is only essential to live- not to taste
10. To log progress at least every sunday on 3fc

 I have other goals, but these just seemed the most important. If I obtain my goals then I will have reason to celebrate, if not it doesn’t mean I failed. But if I let food and sloth continue to control me, I have no one to blame but myself.

Calories were 1240, no workout yet, but it’s better than yesterday. Happy New Year to all! Can’t wait to get back in the swing of things in 2012!

Very busy with everything coming up, but I wanted to take time out to tell everyone Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I plan to be back with you all in the new year, but for now I need a little more time to get things in order. See you soon! -Pepa

Hello ladies, just wanted to drop you all a quick paragraph. I don’t really see myself getting back to blogging full time like I did before, with the job I just don’t have that extra hour or so a day that I used to have. Life has been marching on and things haven’t been perfect, but I’ve no more right to bitch than anyone else right now. I have gained from lack of trying/caring, the holidays and the lack of time, but I see myself heading down a more constructive path soon. God knows I’ll have to charge it, but I think I am going to sign up for a 24 hour gym. My biggest problem is not being able to make it to my free gym before they close at 9. Most nights I don’t get home until 8:30. We’ll see how things go and I’ll try to get back to you soon. Happy holidays to all! -Pepa

Nothing to write about, hope all is well.

All the events of the last few months feel like they have set me on a new path. I feel like I haven’t been weight loss focused in months and after being forced IV fluids during my brief hospital stay I’ve gained 10 pounds. Can I blame it on the doctors? Maybe, the doctor handling my follow-up says it’s normal and should slowly slough off as I increase my water intake. But, I do know that from feeling sick the last two weeks my fast food intake has increased by 90% as I don’t feel well enough to cook a decent meal or go shopping for healthy foods. Just last night I was afflicted with what must have been the worst pain of my life in the form of an extremely nauseated migrane. Nausea by itself is annoying, nausea accompanied by a head-splitting vice of death over my sinuses and frontal lobe annoyed by movement, sound, and light is like the wrath of God. I haven’t given birth, but God help me I think I’d rather labor for days than to have that feeling ever again.

I have been thinking a lot about moving my blog lately. I enjoy 3fc very much and the support garnered here is incredible, but with life prodding me in the side, I feel I need to branch out and consider my options. Life has not been about weight loss in a while and even though I still have plans to continue my journey to skinnyville in the coming months, it’s just not my number one priority right now. My life needs an overhaul, not just my body. Right now I am dealing with so many physical and mental ailments that I really feel like I need an extended vacation to heal all the brusies. I am due to go back to work within the next few days and I honestly don’t even want to. I feel so unorganized and scattered as it is that I can’t imagine throwing myself back into that grind without fixing my problems first. It might sound insignificant, but at the forefront of my thoughts right now is the state of my home. If you came here at this very moment you would probably be suprised to not find it condemned. DH played nurse to me all week, but he’s not one for housework and honestly I just wanted to spend time with him- not the couch while he did chores. There are dirty clothes strewn from bedroom to livingroom probably a good 3 loads, the litter box is disgusting and I’m too tired to go out for cat litter, there are a good 2 loads of dirty dishes scattered between the kitchen sink, counter tops, and various end tables, and probably 3 bags worth of paper trash that needs to make its way to the curb by 10am this morning. I feel so overwhelmed and pretty disgusted to think I’ll have to tackle this mess- and soon. Oh yeah and yesterday the ants came back and had made their way into my cereal in the cabinet, nice. DH is back into treatment now and I find myself alone for the next week and a half; where do I begin to pick my life back up and get on track?

Work is giving me much anxiety as well. The job itself is all in all not that bad, the people still seem very nice as well. But certain things irk me and I don’t know if they should. Without going into very much detail, I feel like my boss is sympathetic to my sitiuation and has been very nice about the time I’ve needed (and will need for future appointments), but I could feel the tension/frustration when I explained that I had a few more appointments coming up- one of which interferred with a day I had already been scheduled for. We are a very small place with only a handful of employees, so I understand that my needing off is a hardship for them, but I guess I just felt if the situation were reversed I wouldn’t let that show through. I’m afraid of being treated differently when I return, like having to schedule around me will create some type of resesntment or make me a burden. The fear of being in that type of environment has seriously caused me a lot of anguish and had me thinkining thoughts of throwing in the towel to be honest. The problem with that is, I would feel horrible to not continue at this point knowing their situation and the time that has been put in to train me. I worry that if I did quit, would the time spent be wasted, would I want or be able to use them as a reference. Also I fear the future, if I ever just want a day off sometime soon, will it be granted? Or have I used all my “favors” in needing this time? Is this me being too sensitive? or Am I putting others first here?

Right now the future is so uncertain and all I really want to do is to lay here in a clean house with no responsibilities and no plans. I just want to feel free, my whole life it’s always been something that needed to be done and I’m tired, really tired. Has anyone ever achieved a state of complete “doing everythin that needs to be done, doneness” are we ever really done?