Sistah Pat

Gimme a break.  I received a mailer from WKU yesterday about Student Care Packages.  Really kind of made me mad but tugged on the guilt mechanism anyway.  They’re aiming for 100% parent participation, they say.  Don’t let YOUR child be the only one who’s left out.

They want us to sign up to have “Care Packages” sent to the kids in the dorm at regular intervals.  There’s a Welcome Package that has some cereal bars, Pop Tarts, Popcorn and granola bars.  Of course, each package will include a “handsigned note from me expressing my love and support for my child”.

Then we have the “Out of the Blue” package that shows up sometime during the first semester.  It has Cheez-Its, M&Ms, Oreo cookies and MORE!

Don’t forget the “Trick or Treater”, Valentine Surprise, Move-In Mug, and the “Finals Event”.  All for the low, low price of $125.00.  OR, packages can be ordered separately for just $42.00 each.

Are you kidding me?  Of course it’s exorbitant but I got irritated with the way the thing was written.  Comments like, “We’re aiming for 100% participation by parents!  Don’t be the only one to hold up the show! and “We asked one resident hall staffer if students really get excited about the Care Packages, his response was ‘Definitely, but the worst part is telling a student they didn’t get a package.  They’re so sad!’”

The mailer finishes up by stating “They may seem like boxes of snacks, but to students, getting a Care Package is a big deal.  Unfortunately, it’s an even BIGGER deal if they don’t get one.  Nobody likes to feel left out.  They really do notice.”

Gimme a break.  It’s an outrageous price and they justify it by saying all the proceeds are used to fund activites for the students in the dorm.  So why do I feel like I have to do this?  grumble, grumble….Because I don’t want my Steven to feel left out.  What if most of the students really do get them and he’s one of the few who doesn’t?

Gotta think about that one.  One of the main benefits I’m hoping Steven will get out of going off to school is to become more social.

Went out to the pool yesterday afternoon aiming for 85 laps but then I thought that I really should do 90 just so I could say I’m working on getting better.  Then, when I got to 90, I decided that it was time to go for a nice round number like 100.  So I did.  I don’t think I’m going to add anymore laps.  It’s getting pretty boring and takes almost an hour.

Now I’m going to check out the garden.  I got my first ripe tomato yesterday, picked it, turned it over and saw a damn worm burrowed down in it.  I hate to use pesticides.  Still, we have plenty of green tomatoes and I’m sure they’ll start coming in soon.  For dinner, I picked corn on the cob, made zucchini bread for the family and made myself a salad using some of the zuchhini, yellow squash and a handful of pearl tomatoes.  Yeah, pearl tomatoes, we planted a couple of really unusual plants that produce tons of teeny little tomatoes about the size of a large pea.  Thought it would be fun but it’s kind of annoying picking enough of them to do anything with.

My, my…don’t I sound like an old scrooge today?

I never feel like the new year begins in January.  Rather, it begins in August when I start a new school year.  And that’s Monday.  We have a retreat on Monday and Tuesday, I’ll work an extra day to set up my room on Wednesday and then teachers are back to work full-time starting Thursday.  Students return to school the following Monday.

So that’s it.  Summer break is over and, again, I feel like it just started.  Where does the time go?  I haven’t even picked a home-grown tomato yet.  Lots of green ones but we have one that’s starting to turn pink on the bottom.

I hope I have a good year.  Everything’s in place for a good one.  I’m teaching a full class load this year and I have a huge classroom.  Not that it has much free space in it.  It has 30 computer stations and 30 student desks so there’s not a lot of room left.

I’m burned out and hope I can get my mojo back after getting back in the routine.  I could retire but I want to hang in there for a couple more years.  My dream has always been to be able to retire and enjoy traveling and taking advantage of all those dirt cheap offers they send me in my email to go on a ten day cruise for next to nothing if I can leave in the next week.  Or to get a round trip ticket to Cozumel and stay in an all-inclusive resort for a pittance if I can do it in February.  Yeah, I can retire but not with enough money to do the things I want to do.  At this point in my career, I can add approximately another $200 per month to my retirement pay for each additional year I work.  Work another two years and get paid another $100 a week.  And that’s for the rest of my life.  Makes it difficult to walk away.  Especially with Andrew and Steven in college.

So it’s time to put make my resolutions for the new year.  It’s not just DH who’s quitting smoking tomorrow.  I am, too.   I quit for almost a year last year but I started back about three months ago.  It’s just so difficult to quit when he smokes around me all the time.  The craving never ends.  I’m not that worried about it.  I did pretty good last time and never even thought about a cigarette except at home when I was trapped in the house with DH and DS.  I’ll do fine as long as he quits, too.  Even if he isn’t able to quit, I’m determined that no one is going to smoke in my house again.  If they want to smoke, they can go stand outside in the snow.

I’m working out a weekly award system for not smoking, eating right, and exercising.  I get daily points that represent cold hard cash that I’ll deposit every Friday to a new savings account dedicated to Hawaii.  My first resolution is to get that plan written up.

I watched Soul Surfer last night and loved it.  The film was a little Pollyanna.  I mean, the girl must have gotten downright angry occasionally but I still enjoyed it.  Some of it was filmed on Kauai and I recognized so many familiar places.  I’ve often snorkeled off Tunnels Beach where Bethany Hamilton was attacked by a shark but I stay inside the outer reef area.  Tunnels is an amazing place for snorkeling.  You can be floating along just above the reef, actually having to touch the reef to pull your body over it (while being careful not to grab a sea urchin) and then the bottom will just drop away and you’ll be looking through 40 feet of crystal clear water to the bottom.  A few times, I’ve felt a little worried.  Thoughts of sharks going through my mind but I keep asking myself, “Am I still within the boundaries of the reef?”

The very first time I went to Hawaii, I swam at Tunnels with a sea turtle.  He was huge and I was totally enthralled.  Since then, I’ve learned to be very careful around the turtles.  Sharks eat sea turtles.  If there are turtles in the area, there can be sharks, too.  Although, of course, the chances of encountering one are very, very slim.

I finally got DGS, Steven’s, charges all taken care of for school. They had emailed him his final bill for the semester and it showed us still owing another $1,885.00 and I knew that couldn’t be right.  I finally found out that, even though they show one of his Pell Grants being paid on the credits, they hadn’t deducted it from the total.  Sounds pretty simple to catch but, believe me, it wasn’t.  I’ve been tangled up in all this red tape since last spring.  There are charges and charges and charges and then there are credits and credits and credits and the two are never shown on the same page.  I kept adding up all the credits and they more than covered all the charges but they were still asking for almost $2,000 by August 23.  I could have sat down with someone in billing or financial aid and gotten it straightened out but that would have involved a 5 hour drive to go down there and back so I kept calling people and one person would refer me to another.  I was getting really stressed and aggravated so I’m really glad to have it all taken care of.

Steven is such a picky eater, I can almost count the items he’ll eat using my fingers.  Of course, a lot of them are frozen foods.  He eats pancakes and pizza and a couple of those frozen kiddy meals with chicken nuggets and fries.  They tell me that’s a part of the Aspergers Syndrome.  It’s really discouraging because, as he’s gotten older, instead of adding new foods to his repertoire, he drops items that he’s been eating for years and decides he doesn’t like them anymore.  So, I want to make sure he has a decent freezer for his room.  It wasn’t easy finding one.  Most of the mini refrigerator/freezers have a tiny little freezer that will barely hold an ice tray and they don’t get as cold as they should since they’re located inside the refrigerator itself.  I finally found one that will work perfectly.  It fits within the 5 cubic foot limit and has a separate freezer section.  Of course, they were out of it except for the floor model and I had to go ahead and pay for it without being able to take it home.  H. H. Gregg’s told me they would be getting it in within the next two days.  That was almost three weeks ago and they still don’t have it.  I’m not in a panic yet because Steven doesn’t leave for school for another two weeks but I’d feel better if I could actually get the thing.  Other than the fridge, I think we have him all set to go.

Enough blogging…I’m going to do my pool laps and try to enjoy one of my last days before going back to work.  Once Monday rolls around, I’ll be eaten alive.

If you’re brave enough to take the first step on the path that says “Cliff area - Keep Out - Path is steep and may be slippery” and follow it down through the tropical vegetation and past the waterfall,

you’ll come to Queen’s Bath,

a magical place where the surf surges over the lava rocks and creates a pool of crystal clear water for swimming.  And then, if you’re not really keen on having all that salt water on your body, you can climb over a few of the lava rocks and rinse off in a waterfall that tumbles down over the cliffs.

I’ve taken the path down the cliffs at least a half dozen times in the past and spent the day bathing in the pool and climbing around the rocks.  I didn’t go down the path last time we were in Hawaii.  I was worried about my ankle.  This time, I will.

I was thinking about it.  I really don’t have a lot of time left for adventures.  I mean, realistically, I’m in my sixties.  And how many seventy year olds take adventures?  Not many.  So I figure I may be able to squeeze another ten years or so of doing my thing before I have to start hobbling around in a walker. 

I’m feeling good.  Wanting to spend the next year getting back in shape so I can enjoy what will probably be my last trip to Hawaii.  I said I was never going back.  We’ve spent a total of at least 8 months in the islands since we used to go for a month every other year.  But I miss it.  Such a beautiful place and I think the reason I didn’t enjoy it last time was because DH’s aunt was such a royal pain in the ass.  We actually thought about heading home a couple of weeks early last time because things were so bad but that would have been foolish so we stuck it out.  Trying to be diplomatic and put up with her but she made everyone so miserable that it spoiled everything.  We were on the same plane coming home until we reached Atlanta.  Then she was headed home to Orlando and we were heading to Louisville.  She walked up to me and gave me a hug and said, “I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?  I know I wasn’t very good company but I hope we can take another trip together sometime.”

And I was thinking, “Not in this lifetime.”

This time, I’m planning for myself.  I hope DH gets his act together and can come with me but I’m not paying for him.  He can get off his butt and do some overtime or quit smoking to save the money.  In fact, I don’t care who goes with us.  Anyone is free to come along but I’m going to make sure we have our own condo and our own agenda.

Speaking of DH, his surgery went fine and he’s marveling at how bright the colors are this morning. 

10:00 a.m. update - OMG!  DH just told me he’s quitting smoking Saturday.  Don’t know if it will work but at least he’s going to try which is more than he’s done in a long time.

I was figuring up some prices yesterday.  Just a basic deal on Expedia for round trip airfare and two weeks in Honolulu and it was refreshing to see some low prices.  I could do it for $1,200.  Of course, it’s never just me.  I always wind up paying a fortune for a group of us to go.  Then I got to thinking….the twins have been dying to go back to Hawaii but they’ll be 21 next summer.  Grown men.  And they can pay their own way if they want to go.  Then I took it a step farther and decided that DH, who avoids overtime like the plague, could pay his own way, too. 

So I announced, yesterday evening, that I’m going to Hawaii next summer and anyone else that wants to go is welcome but I’m not paying for anyone but myself. 

Interesting reaction.  Everyone kind of got the Hawaii fever and started thinking about ways that they could come up with the money.  DH, who’s used to me grabbing every minute of overtime I can get and working like a dog to do my job, teach ESS and homeschool hospital bound students, said, “There’s no way!  We can’t afford to go next summer!”

And I said, “I know.  WE can’t afford it but I can.  You can come, too.  You just have to earn your own money.  If you think about it, you can save $10.00 a day by giving up smoking.  Just doing that, would give you $3,500.00.”

I’ve nagged him and nagged him about it and he usually just brushes it aside but I could actually see the wheels turning and he said we’d talk about it today.

He’s scheduled for eye surgery in a couple of hours.  He had his right eye done a couple of years ago and this is for his left eye.  Deterioration due to diabetes.  The lasik really helped his right eye and I hope he gets the same results with the other.

I fixed the Last Supper last night.  Haven’t had a fried green tomato all year and DH wanted fried pork chops so I fixed fresh collard greens and picked some corn from the garden.  Served it all up with sliced homegrown tomatoes and told everyone to enjoy because I’m back on a diet starting today.

I did 80 laps in the pool yesterday and I’m planning on doing the same today but I’ve got to get off here and get DH to the Outpatient Surgery Center first.

I went out to the spa last night around midnight.  It was dark and quiet and steamy.  And I didn’t want steamy.  So, I got out of the spa, wrapped a big towel around me, went to the pool, dropped the towel and went skinny dipping.

There’s something wrong with me.  I love being naked in the pool. 

I floated around, looking at the stars and saw a shooting star.  It was wonderful.  The water was cool and the neighborhood was dark and quiet.  It’s been at least two years since I went skinny dipping in the pool.  Way too long. 

I saw an episode of Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman yesterday.  It was about time.  What it is and how we percieve it.  Lots of quantum physics and relativity and a bunch of stuff that was over my head but I did pick up a few tidbits.  Tests have shown that a person’s conception and processing of time changes over the years.  For a ten year old, the perception of time is a baseline of 1.0.  For a sixty year old, it’s 2.4.  That means that I process and perceive time two and half times faster than a ten year old.

No wonder it seems like the days and years are flying by.  I don’t have much time to do all the things I want to do.  And I want to do a bunch of stuff.

I’ve always been the adventurer in the family.  At least, the female adventurer.  My oldest brother is the male adventurer.  Living in Alaska for 20 years.  Leading tour groups cross country skiing in the frozen wilderness.  Jumping on a Harley to travel across the country over a six month time period.

Me, I think I was born married and raising kids but I’ve still managed to be an adventurous soul.  Climbing and hiking and traveling all over the place.  My sister is always picking some point on a distant mountain and joking, “Wait, I think I see Patty up there!” One time, when we were in Hawaii, we were hiking and came across a beautiful waterfall.  My sister dared me to climb it.  So, with DH, little sister and the kids urging me onward and upward, I climbed the boulders and kept going until I was being pounded by the crashing water as it leaped over the rocks and pooled at the base.  Little Sis kept taking pictures and I made it to the top but it was so slippery I couldn’t stand up.

We got back to the condo and popped the disk into the computer to view pictures of the days activites and there I was.  Me in my blue bathing suit.  Just about every shot was a picture of me bent over and scrambing up the rocks.  Just my big blue ass.  I was even bent over on the shots from the top of the waterfall.  A big blue moon at everyone standing below.  Those pictures become known in the family as the Blue Moon series and we’ve all laughed at the view of me bent over taking a beating in the waterfall with my backside facing the camera.

It’s been way, way too long since I did something adventurous.  Last time was the hike to Lower Calf Creek Falls which some on you may remember from four years ago.  That little adventure almost killed me.

So I’m floating around out there in the pool, gazing up at the stars and thinking about all the things I always planned to do and will never be able to do.  Like Hiking the Kalalau Trail in Kauai.  Of course, as much as I always wanted to do the hike, I had the opportunity a couple of times and couldn’t get anyone to go with me.  So I guess that one is a wash.  Besides, I have a pretty big problem with vertigo and I’m not sure I’d enjoy myself even if I took the hike.  Standing at the edge of a sheer cliff on a ten inch wide hiking trail is probably not my cup of tea.  So I started thinking about my adventures and realized that a lot of them took place in Hawaii.  Hiking a couple of miles around the coast of the Big Island to get to the place where hot lava rushes through a tube to explode in the ocean was certainly memorable.  So was a hike down the cliffs in Princeville to Queen’s Bath.  The path is narrow and very steep in a few sections.  Last time we were in Hawaii, I wanted to take the hike but I was afraid my ankle, after so many surgeries and a loss of flexibility, wouldn’t handle the demands very well so I let the others talk me out of it.  I could have done it easily enough, even if I’d slid down the trail backwards shooting a blue moon at everyone.  I should have gone.  I remember climbing a hill in Hilo.  Way up at the top, I looked down on DH and little sister standing on the beach and waving at me and I hated that they weren’t up at the top to see the view.

So I decided, I need an adventure.  And I’m going back to Hawaii.  I’ve taken a look at French Polynesia and it looks fabulous but it costs 2 1/2 times what it would cost to go to Hawaii.  And I could redo an old adventure in Hawaii and probably get just as much satisfaction as I could from doing something in Tahiti.  Besides, there are still a few adventures I haven’t had in Hawaii.  I know I will never learn to ride a surfboard or hike the Kalalau trail but I can still ride a bicycle down the volcano in Maui and snorkle on Tunnels Beach.  I can still hike some beautiful trails in the islands and I’ve never skinny dipped in Queens bath. 

So I’m planning.  I can’t go to Hawaii next year.  What with Steven and Andrew in college.  But I can go the year after next.  And I can spend the next two years getting ready for it.  Eating healthy and working out so I can be ready for an adventure when the opportunity presents itself.  And just thinking about it has me pretty motivated.  I may even be retired by then.  Who knows?

So it’s off to the pool to do laps!

Not at all.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me or how I got like this but I just don’t like myself these days.  I’m angry and depressed and bitter.  Throw in a little jealousy and resentment, too.  It’s no wonder I look like crap.  It’s a reflection of the inside.  Not very pretty.  This post is not going to be very pretty either.  Fair warning.

I’ve always been such a nice person.  Now I’m just angry and depressed all the time.  I don’t think I’m the kind of person whose wiring will allow them to hold a grudge and it’s harder on me than it is on the person I’m angry with.  It just kind of bubbles and boils beneath the surface and the rage is ready to explode at the least provocation.

Sometimes I tell myself that it’s just being assertive and showing tough love and all that crap but it’s really just uncontrolled anger.

Yesterday was a prime example.  I was nasty and mean to everyone and I went to bed seething with anger.  For those of you who know me, you know all about my DIL problems.  I really let them get to me yesterday.

It was Scout’s birthday.  DS remarked that for once, DIL was going to have to step up to the plate.  It seems like everytime there’s a holiday, birthday or special occasion, she manages to get David to take the kids.  He’s broke most of the time but he always manages (with my help) to get the balloons, the cakes, the Halloween costumes, the Easter baskets, etc.  It was DIL’s weekend with the kids and she should have taken care of all that.  Instead, she started calling DS Friday evening whining and complaining and working him.  She was exhausted.  She had a headache.  Couldn’t he just take the kids for a few hours?  She called and texted over and over until he finally agreed to take them Friday night but she promised she’d pick them up early Saturday.

He drove over to pick them up and she was all dressed up and ready to go out partying.  He asked her what happened to the headache and exhaustion and she starts in on him.  “Don’t you understand I need some adult company once in a while?  All I do is work and watch kids.  I took some aspirin and one of my friends offered to take me out to cheer me up.  Why are you making such a big deal out of me getting a couple of hours with my friends???”

Yeah, sure.

Saturday morning, she doesn’t answer the phone.  Finally calls and says she’s picking them up around noon.  She gets here and asks him what he’s doing for Scout’s birthday.  He tells her we bought a small cake and had ice cream and gave him some presents.  She wants to know what he’s going to do about a party.  He tells her he didn’t plan anything because she was supposed to have the kids this weekend.  She’s out in the front yard putting him on a guilt trip and DH and I left to go shopping at thrift stores.

DS calls and says DIL had planned to take the boys to Wave Tek for Scout’s birthday but Wave Tek is closed because it’s supposed to storm all day.  She wants to know if they can take the RV and go camping for the weekend.  Are you kidding me?  NO!  You’re not taking my RV and going camping for the weekend.  Forget it.

DS calls me an hour or so later and wants to know if I have any ideas about what he can do for Scout’s birthday.  Now I’m really mad because DIL should have been planning Scout’s birthday instead of going out with her friends Friday night.  And I know her game, too.  She simply planned on David taking the kids for the weekend knowing they’d be at my house and we’d take care of everything.  I told him he might want to take them to Gatti-land for pizza.

Another hour goes by and DS calls me and says DIL wants to know if they could have a cookout and pool party for Scout’s birthday.  DIL enjoying my pool and cooking out at my house.  No.  I may seem like a bitch but for the chicklets who know the situation I am never getting involved with DIL again.  Never. After everything she’s done to me and my family.  Not a chance in Hell.

So I hang up the phone and I’m feeling really, really bad.  On the one hand, I’m aware that she’s the master manipulator and I’m determined that she’s not going to use me again.  On the other hand, I know it’s Scout’s birthday and I’m feeling bad that he’s not getting any special recognition for it.

DH and I decide to go ahead and throw him a party.  I call DS and tell him I’ll pick up a cake, ice cream, balloons, etc. and invite DGD, Holly, and a couple of kids down the street for a quick party around 6:00.  We’ll order pizza and the kids can swim in the pool.

So I dish out $20.00 for a cake, another $5.00 for ice cream, another $15 for balloons, crepe paper, party hats, etc. and head home.  After I get home, DS calls and says he and DIL took the boys to Gatti-Land.  I’m royally pissed because I’ve bought all this stuff but he says it’s not really a party.  They’re just going to get some pizza and let the boys play some games for an hour or so.

DGD, Holly, gets here and helps me set the table and do the decorations and then we wait.  And we wait.  I called DS twice and he didn’t pick up his phone.  Finally, he calls me at 7:00 and says, “Hey, Mom!  What’s up?” 

“What’s up???  What do you think is up?  I thought you were bringing the boys over for Scout’s birthday?  I’ve got kids in the pool and cake and ice cream and you’re not here.  That’s what’s up.”

He apologizes and says he couldn’t hear his phone over the noise at Gatti-Land and says they didn’t realize it was so late and they’re on their way.  And, oh, by the way, Stacy wants to know if she can join us for cake and ice cream.

I was so mad I couldn’t even think straight.  I said, “Are you kidding me?  No, she can’t join us for cake and ice cream.”

DS says, “Well, she wants to.  She just wants to be included in his party.  She feels bad because she doesn’t have any money to do anything for him.”

He may buy that BS but I’m not.  I know exactly where she’s coming from and she’s not worming her way back into my good graces in this lifetime.  Not a chance.  I told DS, “Okay, you decide.  You can bring her over here and I’ll leave.  I’ll be glad to take a hike because I am NOT going to sit here and act like everything’s hunky dory and sing Happy Birthday with that bitch in my house.  After everything she’s done to me, to you, to everyone in this family, she’s not welcome here.  If she wanted to sing Happy Birthday to Scout and have a party, she should have planned it instead of running off with her friends last night.”

So DS comes in with the boys around 7:15 and he’s all patronizing and giving me the “Gosh, Mom, why are you so mad?  She just wanted to have some cake with Scout.  She thought it would be nice if we all sat around and watched him open presents.” and I’m totally unmoved.  I HATE that bitch.  I can honestly say there are only two people that I’ve hated in my entire life and she’s one of them.  I try not to show it around the boys but that’s the way I feel.

I guess it’s not healthy.  One small dose of her and my blood is boiling.  No one can infuriate me the way she does.  I don’t like myself when I act this way.  I really don’t.  But, then, I don’t want to forgive her either.  I know how manipulative she is.  I’ve been through it over and over with her.  She’ll never change.  If I give an inch, she’ll take a mile.  Much better if she goes her way and I go mine.  So why did I toss and turn last night and feel like such a bitch? 

Yesterday was not only Scout’s birthday.  It was the 17th anniversary of my granddaughter, Laura’s, death.  She was two years old when she died.  And I’m angry with her parents.  I’m angry that they let it destroy their lives.  I was as close to her as I am to all my grandkids and her death was devastating.  There is never any getting over it.  Still, you have to move on.  Pick up the pieces and keep going.  And my son and other DIL never did.  They just stopped doing anything.

I go in the bathroom yesterday afternoon and Holly has left bloody panties and a used kotex lying on the floor.  I know, TMI, but I’m absolutely appalled.  There’s blood on the toilet, the floor and I’ve got a houseful of kids.  She’s only 12 years old but she started menstruating almost a year ago.  I call her into the house and take her to the bathroom and I’m like, “Holly, look at this mess!  Young ladies don’t do this.  You have to clean up after yourself.”

She says, “I’m sorry, Nana.”  Picks up the kotex and tosses it in the wastebasket and turns around to walk out.

“No, Holly.  You have to fold it up, wrap it in toilet paper and then put it in the wastebasket.  And you have to clean up the floor and the toilet.  Girls have to be very careful because it’s nasty to leave blood from your period on things.  You have to clean it up.  That’s not something you want a bunch of boys to see.”

And she turns around and I notice that she has a couple of stains on the back of her dress.  So I point it out to her and she says, “It’s just a little bit.  It’s not dirty.”  So I have to sit her down and have a talk with her about things she should have been told by her mother.

I’m raising Andrew and Steven.  They’ve lived with us for the last 7 years and we were practically raising them before that.  Mom and Dad did not give them what they needed.  And Holly is a disaster.  I feel bad for her but she doesn’t get what she needs either and I can only do so much.  I’m angry that Darryl and Tina don’t step up to the plate and take care of her or help us with Andrew and Steven.

So, yesterday, Tina posts on FB a message that says, “Today is the anniversary of my beautiful daughter’s death.  I miss her everyday.  She was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

And, again, I’m angry.  Angry that she can’t see that the twins and her other daughter are the best things that ever happened to he.  I feel like shaking her and screaming, “What’s the matter with you?  Can’t you be a mother for once?  Can’t you see that you have three living children who need you?  Stop dwelling in the past and open your eyes!”

The irony of all this is that I don’t doubt for a minute that she would have failed if Laura had lived.  She just uses that as an excuse for everything that’s gone wrong in her life.  Even before she died, I was doing most of the work of raising the twins.  They spent every weekend from Friday afternoon until Sunday evening with us and they never wanted to go home.  They would beg to stay at our house and we would usually let them.

I need to stop.  Get over it and get on with the day.  I don’t like it when I dwell on this kind of stuff.  I warned you that this post was not going to be pretty.  I don’t like myself very much today.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don’t stand in the doorway
Don’t block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There’s a battle outside and it is ragin’
It’ll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin’

Some good old Bob Dylan sounds right for the day.  I guess a lot of you little chicklets are too young to remember Bob and Flower Power and all that old hippy stuff but, sometimes, it seems like we’ve come full circle.

I drove up to Staples this morning.  At a little strip mall close to the house.  Hallmark has a big “Going Out of Business” tent sale going on.  In the same strip, we have Barnes and Nobles dropping out.  Everywhere I look, we’re losing businesses that have been around for decades.  Both my sons are out of work.  Scrambling for whatever they can get and living with us.  At the ages of 40 and 42. 

I’m raising my oldest grandsons and trying to put them through college.  This is not where I thought I’d be at this point in my life.  Money is tight and I have to watch what I spend.  I went to a couple of thrift stores yesterday to get stuff for Andrew’s room and Steven’s dorm.  Of course we need stuff for Steven but it didn’t seem fair that Steven is getting all this new stuff and Andrew isn’t.  I figured we could at least redo Andrew’s room for him after Steven moves out.

I went to buy new draperies for Andrew’s room and I was shocked at the prices.  Of course, I’ve always been shocked at the prices for draperies and curtains and have always made my own.  So I drove over to Jo Anne fabrics but it was closed down.  Baer fabrics, a huge three story fabric shop that’s been in Louisville for 103 years closed a couple of years ago.  I finally gave up on making draperies (which I really didn’t want to do anyway) and tried to find some in the thrift stores.  I also wanted to find a waffle maker for Steven.  He eats about a half dozen different foods and fell in love with homemade waffles this summer that were available at one of the hotels we stayed at.

So I hit the Goodwill store.  No draperies, no waffle maker…but I did find a beautiful king size quilt for $25 and I scarfed it up.  Next stop was the Salvation Army.  No bargains there (are you kidding me?  Particle board bookcase falling apart and you want $30???).  Next stop was St. Vincent De Paul Society thrift store.  LOTS of bargains there.  I bought four lamps with shades for $8.00 each.  Two for Andrew’s room and two that were actually better for my living room than the ones I had.  Also got a sweeper vac for Steven’s room for $5.00.  Threw in a Revere Ware stainless steel pan for $3.00, a colander, some cooking utensils, and a man’s jewelry box for Andrew for $2.00.  No draperies and no waffle iron…

I found out that St. V de P has two more (larger) stores in town so I’m hitting them today.  No telling what I’ll find. 

I’m home again.  How many times have I said that this summer?  Seems like I get home, get back to eating right and exercising and then take off again.  Hasn’t been a great summer for losing weight and getting back on track.

I made up my mind that summer is almost over and I need to do some school stuff.  I’m teaching computer and business classes this year and running a computer lab.  The school has an online program in the lab for the business classes and I thought I’d spend the morning getting familiar with the program.  They sent me a couple of CDs to help me learn how to work with it.

Problem is, I went to install the CDs and they aren’t installation disks.  They’re “how to” disks and the first statement says, “Make sure you’re at the teacher workstation in the lab.”  So then, I thought I’d go online to our state-wide system and take a look at my schedule and students but the info isn’t in the system yet so I don’t know what I’m teaching, what periods I’m teaching or the names and numbers of students I have.

Daggone it.  I’ve already gone to school three days this summer to move all my stuff from the library to the computer lab/classroom and now it looks like I’m going to have to go in for a couple more days to learn how to work with this program.  On top of that, our retreat is coming up and I have to attend it for a couple of days.

Oh well, if I can’t work with the program I need, I guess I’ll go online and see what else I need to do for Steven.  There’s an unGodly amount of paperwork and red tape involved in getting kids enrolled in college and I’m sure there’s stuff I still need to do.

DH surprised me by making reservations for free hotel rooms in Tunica.  I know.  His time off work shouldn’t be fun.  But still… We don’t have a lot of time to ourselves and it seemed like a quick and easy get away.

We drove six hours and checked into Hollywood Casino Hotel.  Took all our luggage and headed up to the sixth floor.  Of course our room was at the very end of a very long hall.  We inserted the key card and the door was latched from the inside.  No one was in the room but the latch had slipped over the catch and the door wouldn’t open.  We had to drag all our luggage back down the long hallway, down the elevator and back to the desk.  They tried to tell us that they didn’t have any more smoking rooms but could put us in a non smoking room.  DH wasn’t having it.  Not for four days.  Maybe he could have handled it for a day but certainly not four. 

So we were left sitting in the lobby with all our bags for 45 minutes while maintenance cut the latch off the door and installed a new one before we could get in the room.  They comped us though.  Gave us two free seafood and filet mignon buffet dinners. 

I was proud of myself.  I decided to distract myself from all the goodies by learning how to crack crab legs and get to the meat.  Something I’m just not very good at.  I really don’t know how people do that.  I swear, I crunch and crack and twist and pull and just wind up with a little teeny sliver of crab meat.  I sat there for more than an hour practicing my crab cracking skills.  Next time, I’m bringing a sledge hammer.  I ate some salad and managed to get enough crab meat with lemon juice to keep from starving.  Good strategy though.  I was occupied with attacking the crabs and didn’t get to the desserts.

Today, we got up and I read a book down by the pool.  I don’t think they really want you to take the free drinks and lie around the pool but I had a beer and got some sun.  I finally headed in and lost my $40 to the slots.  One couple was talking about how much better Fitzgeralds is so we headed down the road and joined their players club.  They gave us two free dinner buffets for joining.  Sigh…. We didn’t use them tonight because we picked up sandwiches at Subway so we’ll eat there tomorrow.  Maybe they have some shrimp that need peeling or something.  These buffets will be the death of me.

My weight is at 202 this morning.  Don’t ask me…

If you don’t want to hear a bunch of hubby bashing today, move on to the next post because that’s where I’m going.

I am totally sick of trying to work with DH and putting up with his horrible habits.  The man chain smokes and won’t even try to quit.  Can’t quit?  Relapses? Okay, we’ll keep working on it but he won’t even try.  His diabetes is totally out of control, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, bad eyes, bad legs and nothing ever changes!

We have the same MD and his doctor tells me, “Do you have any influence with him?  I know I don’t.  He’s a great guy but, around here, we call him Mr. Noncompliant because he won’t take my advice and won’t do anything I tell him to do.  If you can get him to exercise and eat right it would be a tremendous benefit to him.”

He failed his annaul CDL physical Monday because of high blood sugar, failed the eye test and had high blood pressure.  So now he’s on short term disability and he thinks the answer is in the meds.  He just makes appointments with doctors and seems to think they’re going to fix the problem.

How many of us would love to have someone following us around reminding us to exercise, fixing us healthy, tasty meals and cheering us on like a personal coach?  I know I would.  I’d give anything to have someone supportive and encouraging in my life.  Instead, he calls it nagging and continues on his path to destruction with no regard for himself, me or our future.

He had surgery last year because his diabetes has destroyed the circulation in his legs and feet.  The surgeon said there are three main veins that supply blood flow to the lower leg and foot and two of his were completely shot and the other is only working because of the surgery.  While he was in recovery, the surgeon told me he’s got to exercise and keep the circulation going in his legs or he’s going to wind up losing a foot or leg.

I get so tired of trying to get him to take care of himself.  My sister says, “That’s the way Donnie is.  He’s going to do what he wants to do and no one is going to stop him.  You should know that.  You’ve been married to him for 45 years.  Do you expect him to change?”

Well, duh… let me think…..YES!  I expect him to change.  I expect him to see the damage he’s doing and put a stop to it.  I expect him to take his doctor’s advice and do something about it.  Instead, it’s like he’s fighting me every step of the way.  He tells me, “Don’t worry about it, baby.  Nothing’s going to happen to me.” and yet he can’t see that it’s already happening.

Our daily routine consists of him getting up and chain smoking with his coffee while he hacks and coughs.  Then he goes all day without eating anything although he has diabetes.  During the day, I’ll run around like a damn cheerleader trying to get him to go for a walk or swim or do some kind of exercise and he’ll tell me he doesn’t feel like it.  If I get him to do anything, it will be a slow walk around the pool for ten minutes or so following by a “There, are you satisfied?” comment.

I’ll plan a healthy dinner and, while I’m fixing it, he’ll start his daily routine of watching TV while eating salsa, tortilla chips and beer. I’ll get dinner ready and he’ll say, “I’m not ready to eat.  Just leave everything out and I’ll dish up in a little while.”  Then he continues filling up on chips and salsa and beer until around 7:00 when he’ll use my nice nutritious dinner as a side dish, adding a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches or half a loaf of bread with butter to supplement my offerings.  Finally, he’ll finish dinner and begin his sneaky little routine of eating candy, cookies, or ice cream before he goes to bed.  He actually hides the stuff and I find candy wrappers and boxes of cookies in his drawers.

Yesterday, he went to a diabetes specialist and got some new meds.  He stopped on the way home and bought ice cream, brought it in and stashed it in the freezer.  This morning, he went to an eye specialist and he’s scheduled for surgery on August 2nd.  Of course, he can’t go back to work until he can pass the physical.

I have talked with him and talked with him and he just won’t listen.  I guess the only thing left to do is increase the amount of life insurance I carry on him.  Looks like I’m going to be needing it. 

7:00 p.m. Update - Wow!  How did it get to be 7:00?

I had a busy day.  Met the girls for lunch and a movie.  I really wasn’t hungry because I’m not used to eating much at lunch anyway and the thought of trying to eat healthy doesn’t make it any more appealing.  We went to Smoky Bones and there wasn’t much in the way of healthy fare.  I looked over the menu and nutritional info before I went and the picking were pretty slim.  I chose the buffalo chicken sandwich with steamed broccoli for the side dish.  Only ate half the sandwich.

We headed for the movie and it was the same place DH and I went for our “Date from Hell” a few weeks ago.  We were going to see Super 8 but they said it wasn’t playing.  We looked at the choices and nothing of interest was playing.  Then we checked a couple of other theatres but couldn’t find anything.  We finally just went shopping.  I got another bathing suit bottom and Pam got a clock for her wall.  Regular bathing suits are 50% off.  Fat ass bathing suits are 15% off.  Bummer….

After I got home, we had to drive over the river to Indiana to pick up a camper.  Major bummer…  One of the teachers at school wanted to buy a camper from the assistant principal for $500.00.  He wanted to buy it for the Outdoor Club that he sponsors.  The bookkeeper told him that wasn’t allowed.  You can’t use school club funds to pay for purchases from people who work at the school.  He went to the principal and asked how he could buy the camper and she told him he could get one of the  booster clubs, that doesn’t go through the school bookkeeping, to buy the camper from the AP and then the Outdoor Club could buy it form the Booster Club.  He asked if the ROTC Booster Club would buy it and then he could write us a check.  I verified with the principal and then agreed.  We bought the thing for $500 and then the Booster Club sponsor wrote a check to ROTC for $500.  The bookkeeper took it to the principal for approval and she said, after thinking about it, that it seemed a lot like money-laundering and she didn’t feel comfortable doing it.  So now, ROTC has paid $500 for a camper we never wanted.  The teacher said he’d just pay us for it himself even if he had to give us $50 a month.

Summer break came and, lo and behold, the teacher called me and said he transferred to another state and is moving next week.

So now I have a car dolly, a riding lawnmower, a golf cart, a 38′ RV, three cars and a 1968 camper taking up space around here.  sigh….

I just finished my laps.  Ninety of them today.  I did not enjoy it.  Two of the grandkids were over to swim and they wouldn’t leave me alone.  Kept distracting me, jumping on me, spraying me and otherwise being a royal pain in the ass.  I’m pretty sure I did closer to 100 laps because I kept losing track.  I finally got mad and made them get out of the pool until I finished.

Enough…I have to find something for dinner and I don’t have a clue what it’s going to be.  Probably going to be one of those “fend for yourselves” dinners.  I know I have leftover spaghetti in the fridge and a couple of frozen dinners.  The rest of them can order pizza.

201 this morning.  Bah, humbug!

I had a busy day.  Got up and cleaned the house and then had to take Andrew down to Voc Rehab.  That took a couple of hours.  After we left, I went by K-Mart to pick up my prescriptions and then to TJ Max to get some towels for Steven to take to WKU.  Decided to treat myself to some wonderful, lemon scented soap at $8.99 for three bars and the cashier forgot to put it in the bag.  Daggone it!  Now I have to go back.  I called them and she forgot to put it in the bag but she didn’t forget to charge me for it.  grumble, grumble….

I did 85 laps in the pool by jogging and then did 5 laps of backstroke for the arms.  I’m going to work up to 100 laps and then call it quits.  Each lap takes about 30 seconds so that’s going to take around an hour.

Brandi, my dear friend, I listen to everything you say and give it serious thought.  Your input means a lot to me.  You’re right about so many things.  Yes, I do need to find another venue for exercising and I plan to.  How many times have I gotten my workout room straightened up?  I’m serious, living in a houseful of men is not all that much fun.  DH got his old organ out of the attic and set it up in my workout room!  He hasn’t played it in 30 years and he suddenly got the urge!  Are you kidding me?  And, of course, he’s had it up there for almost two months now and hasn’t played it once.  He has his computer up there and now the room is full of all the stuff we’ve bought for Steven to take to college.  There are boxes of clothes, dishes, a microwave, a desk and chair, bedspread, sheets, pillows, a trash can, toiletries, towels, yadda yadda yadda…

I keep telling myself I’m taking my room back next month when Steven leaves so I can use my treadmill and step.  I need to sell my exercise bike.  Hate that thing.  It’s so boring.

I thought about having DH fix my bicycle but it’s so hot I probably wouldn’t use it anyway.

You’re also right about the eating.  It’s five o clock and I just now ate for the first time today.  I have to make a conscious effort to make myself eat during the day.  It seems like my “meal clock” doesn’t kick in until I’ve been up for several hours.  That, again, is DH’s fault.  When we first got married, he used to tease me like crazy because I was programmed for breakfast when I got up, lunch around noon, and dinner around 5:00.  He worked second shift and didn’t go to work until 5:00 so we had a bite around 4:00 and then I’d fix dinner for when he got home around 1:00 a.m.  Somehow, I got on his schedule and I’m still on it.  In fact, to this day, he will not eat breakfast or lunch and I’ve adopted the same routine.

I promise, starting tomorrow, I’ll make an effort to eat earlier and more regularly.  Maybe that will encourage Mr. Scale to give me a break.

Okay, so it’s 5:00 and I still have to fix dinner (pork stir fry with cabbage, rice and sliced tomatoes) do laundry, print out some forms for Steven and I to fill out for school and repackage a ton of meat.  I got pork loin, chicken breasts and sirloin tip on sale so I stocked up.  Now I have to slice and package everything for the freezer.

Ohhh!  I almost forgot!  I saw on the news where a six year old girl was attacked by a shark on Ocracoke Island!  Same time of day and same place where we were swimming last week! 

I’m being good.  Not obsessing like I sometimes do but eating healthy and exercising every day.  I decided I was NOT going to weigh myself every day but just do what I needed to do and wait a few days.  Figured I’d step on the scales and find myself safely entrenched in Onederland.

Not so…I weighed myself this morning and found that I’m at 202.  Damn.

I guess I’m going to have to start counting calories again.  Eating healthy is just not going to do it by itself.  For example, yesterday I ate a cereal bar for breakfast.  90 calories.  Then I ate a ham and swiss sandwich for lunch with a handful of fresh cherries.  Seemed healthy enough but I just checked and the onion roll has 240 calories all by itself.  Add the ham and a slice of swiss and it probably had 500 calories.  For dinner, I had a grilled chicken breast, a small serving of rice with almonds, sliced tomatoes and broccoli.  Later on, I snacked on a full calorie fudge bar (100 calories) and then, even later, I treated myself and had some sugar free frozen yogurt with fresh blueberries.

On the surface, it seems okay but I’m obviously getting too many calories.

I’ve been really good about jogging in the pool.  I try to add 5 laps each day.  Yesterday, I did 75 laps and my calves were aching for the last 40 laps.  Still, I hung in there and made myself keep going until I did 75.  Today, I’ll do 80.  At least, the pool is a little warmer than it was earlier this summer.  It’s up to 74 degrees.  With this hot weather, it should stay warm for a while.

I’ve been busy with school stuff.  Stuff for me, Andrew and Steven.  Andrew has an appointment with Voc Rehab tomorrow.  Steven has an appointment for some kind of technology evaluation next week.  I’ve been checking my email and I installed the program I’ll be using in my classroom next year on my computer.  Trying to learn to work with it.

I’m trying to put together the stuff Steven will need for his dorm room but I’m not sure about some of it.  He doesn’t eat enough.  His counselor says that’s a part of Aspergers.  He’s very picky and doesn’t eat very much.  The kid has a 28″ waist and he’s more than six foot tall.  We signed him up for a meal plan that will give him two meals a day at the cafeteria/buffet and $250 in Meal Bucks he can use at any of the restaurants on campus but I don’t know if he’ll make the effort to go out and eat as much as he should.  With that in mind, I’m trying to get him stocked up on stuff he can eat in his room.  He has a microwave and fridge.  There’s a kitchen on each floor of the dorm.  I’m confused, though…Does that mean they have pots and pans and dishwashing detergent?  What about dishrags and dish towels? 

I don’t know how these kids do it.  I can’t imagine waking up and having to get dressed to go to the bathroom and shower down the hall of the dormitory.  I’m lucky if I can make it out of bed and to the bathroom without peeing all over myself.  And that’s just ten feet.

And then…would I get dressed, go outside and walk a block to the cafeteria?  Don’t think so.  Breakfast would not be enough to get me out there.  So, I want Steven stocked up on cereal, milk, frozen pancakes, cereal bars, instant cocoa and anything else I can get him to eat that he can keep in his room.  And then, I think about trash.  Does he have a trash container in his room or are we supposed to get one?  And if we get him a trash can, I guess we need to get liners.  We’ve gotten his sheets, blanket, comforter, pillows, microwave, rug, desk and chair, and mini fridge with a separate freezer.  I’ve bought deodorant, toothpaste, detergent, fabric softener sheets, a broom and dustpan, kleenex.  What else????  Really, I don’t know.  Guess we’ll find out.

I just worry because it’s a two and a half hour drive to WKU or a five hour round trip.  I can’t be running down there if he runs out of detergent or needs his laundry done.  Since he has Aspergers Syndrome, he doesn’t make friends or hang out with his peers.  He’s a loner.  Scary.  Still, we’ve done everything we can to help him be successful.  He’s enrolled in the Kelli Autism Program and they’ll be working with him every evening.  He’ll be assigned a mentor who will work with him on a daily basis.  Hope it’s someone he likes and can relate to.  Ever since he was enrolled in school where I teach, I’ve been able to help him.  If he got behind in his classes, his teachers would let me know.  “Pat, Steven was supposed to turn in a report today and he didn’t have it ready.” and I’d jump in and work with him that evening to make sure he got it done.  I don’t think he realizes that, in college, they could care less if he gets it done.  No one is going to remind him or give him a break and let him turn things in late.

Enough…we really have to let go and let him find his own way.  As I said, he has everything he needs to be successful.  He’s going to have to step up to the plate.

Andrew, on the other hand, has a mild mental disability.  He’s very responsible and works like a dog to keep up but it’s difficult for him.  At least, he attends school in town and is living with us.  If he gets in a bind, he comes to me for help and he isn’t afraid or too stubborn to ask. 

Both grandsons has learning disabilities but they’re as different as night and day.

Enough about that…I need to get in the pool and get my laps done.  And…I have to start counting calories.

1:30 Update - Did 80 laps and pushed myself pretty hard on them.  Followed up with two laps of backstroke for my arms.

8:40 Update - I swear.  Men are such babies.  DH pitched a fit for spaghetti tonight.  With meatballs.  I finally gave in but I got whole grain spaghetti and told him I was not making meatballs.  I would grill a chicken breast for him or he could make his own damn meatballs.  Which he did.  So I was pretty much forced into having spaghetti for dinner.  Still, I made the best of it.  Made the sauce myself with nothing but onions, herbs and spices, tomato bits and tomato sauce and used Splenda for the sugar.  So the sauce was okay.  The whole grain spaghetti has fewer calories and more nutrition than regular spaghetti but not by much.  I measured out my spaghetti and used two cups of pasta (a whopping 350 calories) and the sauce probably didn’t have more than 100 calories.  I grilled a chicken breast but would have done better to leave it alone and just do without meat because it wasn’t all that good.  I passed on the bread, too.

Still, I was feeling disgusted that I had to eat pasta and then I logged on and saw Brandi’s comment and I thought, “Hmmm…there’s nothing keeping me from working out again….” So I grabbed a bathing suit and did another 80 laps jogging and followed it with 5 laps of backstrokes and 2 laps of breaststroking.  Now, I feel better about dinner.

All in all, I’ve had a breakfast bar (90 calories) spaghetti and sauce (400 - 500 calories) a chicken breast (300) and a fudgesicle (100 calories) for a total of around 1,000 calories today.  Hey!  I can have a half cup of frozen sugar free yogurt with blueberries!  Yum!

My friend, Stephanie, served this salad and it was delicious.  I guess I should figure up the calories when I get a chance but I want to add the recipe while I still have it.

1 large container of spring salad mix

12 oz container of crumbled blue cheese

2 pints of strawberries ( chopped into bite sized pieces)

Vinaigrette:

½ c of olive oil

¼ c of red wine vinegar or apple cider which every is your preference

2 tablespoon of sugar ( I use stevia)

Salt and pepper to taste

Blend until combined

Gently toss to together.

I feel like a hoarder.  There’s so much junk in my house it’s bursting at the seams. 

I got a new couch and living room chair just a couple of days before leaving on vacation and asked DS to put the old ones on Craig’s list.  He did.  “Free to a good home” but we haven’t had any takers.  Yeah, they’re shot but I really didn’t want to just throw them out.  The chair?  It’s trash.  It’s a cheap recliner that’s busted and doesn’t work right.  Still, if someone wanted to put a couple of screws in it, it would work just fine.  The couch has good bones but is really stained.  I kept a cover on it and they can have the cover along with the couch.  That’s what happens when you assume the kids are grown and have left the nest and buy a white couch.  Won’t happen again.  I forgot about all the grandkids.  Even so…not one single person has called or looked at it.

Our TV from the family room started acting up.  It started getting full of static.  DS said a friend gave him a TV while we were gone and it fits perfectly in the space on the entertainment unit so I need to throw out the old one.

Steven leaves for WKU next month and we’ve been accumulating things for his room.  All that stuff is stored in my workout room so I can’t even get to my treadmill.  We’ve got a TV up there, a desk and chair, a carpet for his room, a small refrigerator and microwave, boxes of towels and dishes and a computer.

And now…after last night, I’m determined to go shopping for a new mattress today.  What am I supposed to do with the old one?

I feel like a hoarder.  Oh yeah, I also have a dog and two cats that don’t belong to me.  Steven’s cat and DS’s dog plus a new cat that was hiding in our bedroom when we got home from vacation.  Oldest DS said it’s Holly’s cat.  He said she came over while we were gone and brought her cat and it ran under the bed and hid when it was time for her to go home so she just left it here.  Poor thing.  It’s been hiding under the bed ever since we got home.  It comes out at night and sleeps on the foot of our bed but will not come out from under the bed because it’s being bullied by DS’s dog and Steven’s cat.

Of course, all this junk started accumulating just a week or two after our semi-annual junk pickup and we’re not due for another one until December.  In the meantime, I can’t even move in this place.  DH said he’d try to borrow a pickup truck next week and take the couch, chair, mattress, TV and an old ottoman to the dump.  I guess we’ll just have to keep accumulating Steven’s stuff until he leaves for school.  Holly’s cat?  I’m calling her today to come and get it.  I don’t blame her but I blame ex DIL for letting her bring it over and then leaving without it.  And, of course, oldest DS is certainly not blameless.  He headed for the hills shortly after we got home.  I guess he’s left his girlfriend in Illinois.  There are several boxes of his stuff stacked in the family room.

I need a vacation. 

Speaking of vacations.  Being on Ocracoke Island reminded us a teeny bit of Hawaii.  We used to go to Hawaii every other year for a month in the summer.  I guess we went about 7 or 8 times. Finally burned out on it and said we weren’t going back.  We’d seen everything and done everything and felt like there were too many other places we hadn’t seen.  DH’s aunt talked us into taking her about five years ago and it was a big mistake.  If we weren’t burned out before, we certainly were after spending three weeks in the islands with her.  She was very controlling, self-centered and drove us nuts.  Forgot her hearing aid and slept every night with the TV blaring.  We’d get up in the middle of the night and turn it down and she’d wake up, get mad, and turn it back up.  DH would go out on the balcony to smoke and she’d go out there and fuss at him and tell him she couldn’t stand the smell.  Well, then, get off the balcony!  My sister went with us and she was incredibly jealous of our relationship.  I bought lei’s for both my sister and her and she got mad because she thought Donna’s lei was nicer than hers when they were identical.  I saw a side of that woman that I never want to see again.  Anyway…I don’t think we’re going back to Hawaii.  Even though DH’s aunt has asked us to take her on vacation again several times.  Not in this lifetime.

Still, we’ve been to so many places and nothing compares to Hawaii.  Hawaii is so diverse.  Beautiful, crystal clear water with fantastic diving.  Cliffs as black as night with monstrous turquoise waves crashing against them.  Beautiful mountains and volcanoes and forests.  We’ve never found another place that even comes close.  We might find a beautiful beach.  We’ve been to some breathtaking mountains.  We’ve toured all over the west and enjoyed cliffs and rock formations that are just gorgeous.  But finding all of them in one place is not easy.

I’m feeling the urge to go to Hawaii again.  Maybe in two years.  Wish I could find a new Hawaii.  Someplace that we’ve never been that offers just as much.  I thought about Tahiti or Fiji.  Maybe Bora Bora.  I don’t know.  Some Shangri La that we haven’t visited.

 Maybe I should visit a travel agent.  We’ve seriously thought about French Polynesia but it’s such a long trip and a lot more expensive than Hawaii.

Okay, enough daydreaming.  My house is a disaster and I seem to have two dysfunctional kids and a bunch of grandkids demanding attention.  Gotta get back to reality.

Got home yesterday afternoon.  It was good to get to my house.  Good to have the pool that doesn’t crash and bang and throw me around and fill my bathing suit with sand.  Good to have the spa ready whenever I feel the urge to relax.  It was good to catch up on my Whale Wars and Deadliest Catch episodes and stretch out in a king sized bed with lots of room. 

It was a mixed blessing.  I forgot that my mattress kills my back and I have to get a new one.  Woke up a couple of times with my back really hurting.  No one watered the flowers or the veggies so they looked rather bedraggled.  The grass needs cutting.  And then, there were the inevitable issues that come up with people in the house when I’m not here.  Oldest DS came home two days after we left and made himself at home.  Invited people over to swim and relax in the spa.  Used up all the charcoal and I seem to be missing a whole bunch of food from the freezer.

I noticed, when I was away and would log on to FaceBook that DIL (the twins mother who ripped us off for $2,500 in May) kept posting about how much fun it was to swim after dark and sit in the spa while relaxing with a drink.  I called home and asked DS which pool and spa she was talking about.  He said she’d come over a few times with DGD, Holly, to swim and cookout.  No, No, NO!  Not at my house.  I’m usually pretty nice and I put up with a lot but, after she ripped us off by claiming the boys on her taxes and keeping the money, I’m done with her.  I told DS I did not want her in my pool, my spa, my house, my city or my state.  Got a little carried away there with the city and state….He said he didn’t figure it would be a problem since she was bringing Holly over and I told him Holly was more than welcome but Tina is not.

Of course, then I felt bad…I figured if DIL didn’t come over then Holly wouldn’t get to come either and I really don’t have a problem with Holly visiting, staying at the house or using the pool or spa.  Still, I’m so done with DIL that I couldn’t believe she would even have the nerve to come over.  If and when she makes some kind of arrangements with DH and I to pay back the money that should have gone to help with her kids tuition, I’ll think about it.  In the meantime, she’s way up on my sh*t list.  I was also pretty pissed off to find tons of towels, floats, coke cans and crapp all over the backyard.  In fact, a new bathing suit that I just bought last month was lying out in the grass with the entire side ripped out.  I know Holly could have worn it so I can only assume DIL tried to wear it and ripped it out.  Of course, DS says he doesn’t know what happened or how it got out there.

Youngest DS was so aggravated that he left and stayed at a friend’s house while we were gone.  Oldest DS knew I was pretty angry so he packed up his stuff and left about an hour after we got home.

Today, I watered and fertilized the garden, unpacked bags and did laundry, cleaned out my car and spent the rest of the day trying to complete all the registration stuff for Andrew and Steven for school.  I have Steven’s dorm assignment finished, his meal plan completed, and registered and paid for a program called Master Plan that allows them to move in a week early and get introduced to college life and the campus.  I made an appointment with Voc Rehab for Andrew and helped him register for his classes as well.  Then I checked to make sure everything was on the up and up with all the financial aid crapp.

Finally, I took a long look at where I was on my diet and exercise.  I had good plans when we left but I wasn’t prepared for DH to throw me a curve ball with changing plans.  We wound up eating out the entire time and spent a lot of time just sitting in the car as we traveled.  Still, I did get some exercise with exploring Rock City, Ruby Falls, old forts and battleships and playing in the waves on the beach and I tried to eat halfway sensibly.

I finally went out and did my 60 laps in the pool and threw in one extra just because I could.  Took a shower and weighed myself.  I didn’t come back to Onederland but I’m pretty close.  201 pounds.  I lost a little while we were gone but not much.  Still, that’s better than gaining and I’m pretty happy about it.  I’m back on track now with a nice salad planned for dinner, grilled chicken breast and watermelon.

We spent the night in Charleston, WV last night.  That means we have a short four hour drive and we’ll be home.  We wanted to spend another night in Ocrakoke but our room wasn’t available for another night.  They offered to move us to another one but we figured if we had to pack everything up, we might as well hit the road.  We’re taking our time.  Driving five or six hours a day and then pulling over for the night.

Now, we’re within four hours of home and I’m anxious to get back to my bed.  Sleeping in a double bed with DH is NOT comfortable.  We’re used to an extra long king size bed and I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights.  Now, I’m heading for the shower and then hitting the road.

I’m not one of them.  I don’t understand how some women frolic in the ocean, hop out and throw on a floaty, breezy coverup, fluff up their hair and look like a million bucks.  Even the sand clinging to their legs looks golden.  Me?  I come out of the ocean like a drowned rat.  My hair is matted, my skin is red and I’m covered with sticky gray sand within two minutes of getting out of the water.  I took a shower at the beach and then stripped down and took one back at the hotel and left the tub covered in a layer of gritty sand.  I wonder if men get sand in all those unmentionable places that women do?  Do Beach Girls look that good with a crotch full of sand?  I don’t think so.  I don’t think sand would dare crawl under their boobs and cling to their butt cracks the way it does with me.

Whatever….I had fun, today.  We rented a golf cart and drove all over the island.  We went to the lighthouse and the pirate museum.  Went back to the beach and flew the kite some more.  The waves were AWESOME!  Huge swells and crashing waves.  Again, maybe a total of 30 people on the entire beach.  Great fun.  I bought frozen lasagna and onion rolls for dinner but forgot forks so we’ve working our way through dinner with plastic spoons. 

11:00 p.m. Update - Our hotel and most of the village has quiet time from 9:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. and I love it.  I’ve been sitting out on the balcony enjoying the moon and the stars and the ocean breeze while I finish off my bottle of wine.  It’s totally quiet.  The only sounds are the occasional golf cart humming down the road or a family quietly cruising down the road on bicycles.  I don’t suppose this place is for everyone but I’m loving it.  I can see a woman swimming slow steady laps down in the pool.  No loud music or bright lights.  I can even see the lighthouse beacon in the distance.

Don’t want to think about it but I guess we ought to start heading toward home tomorrow.  Guess we’ll see what happens when we get up in the morning and make plans for the day.

We finally found a perfect beach and spent the afternoon there.  Left Plymouth this morning and drove to the Ferry.  Kind of interesting to hear the GPS say “In .2 miles, drive on ferry”.  It showed us traveling across a screen of blue for the passing to Ocrakoke.  In fact, the island is so narrow for the first five miles or so, it continued to show us driving through the ocean.

We arrived at the motel and everyone was hot and tired and the room was nice and cool.  We have a one bedroom with a separate kitchen and living room area.  Pretty good sized place for $140 a night.  Beautiful pool, microwave, refrigerator and queen size sleeper sofa in the living room.  We also have a generous sized balcony overlooking the ocean.  It’s fairly new, very clean and I had a hard time getting everyone out of the room.  As soon as we got here, we went downstairs to eat since we didn’t have breakfast and it was 2:00 p.m.  I ordered a BLT that came with chips, DH ordered a garden salad (no meat), Steven had a grilled cheese and fries and Andrew ordered chicken tenders and fries.  The bill came to $44.00  Hello!  I took a look at the dinner menu and simple things like roast beef, mashed potatoes and green beans were priced at $14.95.  A spaghetti dinner with garlic bread was $13.95.  I decided that we weren’t going to eat dinner out since we had a late lunch and the prices were so high.  Still…it is an island and everything has to come by boat or plane.

After eating, DH and the boys settled in to watch a marathon of Indiana Jones and I couldn’t get anyone to move.  I finally told the boys they were going to get their trunks on and I was taking them to the beach.  DH said he was going to stay in and take a nap.  We didn’t come all this way to watch Indiana Jones!  By the time the boys were ready, DH had decided to join us and that made me happy.

We went by the store and picked up a loaf of bread, swiss cheese, ramen noodles, ham, dill pickles and peanut butter.  Also got a box of cereal and some milk for breakfast.  We passed a produce stand on the way to the beach and I got a cantalope and some homegrown tomatoes.  Also bought a kite for the boys.

The beach was fabulous!  The water temperature was perfect and it was a beautiful beach with very few people on it.  No beautiful babes strolling and strutting their stuff in their skinny little bikinis.  Just us and a few other families with the entire beach to ourselves.  The boys loved it.  We fought the waves for a couple of hours and I had to drag them out.  They set up the kite and flew it for a few minutes and then we pulled it in and headed back to the hotel.

We had gotten a pretty good workout in the ocean and, I swear, those ham and cheese sandwiches, pickles and sliced tomaotes tasted fabulous!  I even ate a peanut butter sandwich and I don’t even like peanut butter sandwiches!  After dinner, we went out to the pool and had another perfect swim with a large, perfect temperature pool that we shared with just one other middle aged couple.

DH was so content, he asked if I wanted to stay another day and I said yes.  Everyone is happy.  We’re staying another day and the guys can watch Indiana Jones now while I take a glass of wine out on the balcony and watch the sunset.

We spent the night in Plymouth, North Carolina.  Yesterday morning, the twins spent a couple of hours touring the USS North Carolina.  They enjoyed it but DH and I spent the time waiting for them at a picnic table and poring over maps.  We decided to head inland and pick up some friendlier roads to head toward the Outer Banks.  The coastal road we were following was not really all that scenic and the traffic was terrible.  We’d catch a glimpse of the ocean every now and then but whenever we’d get close to a beach, we’d encounter heavy traffic and nothing but condos on the horizon.

So, we headed inland a few miles and did a big U-shaped route that avoided the coastline for a while and then brought us back to a good point for today’s launch on the Outer Banks.  I made a reservation on Ocrakoke Island tonight.  Should be a nice secluded island with lots of beach and few tourists.  We’ll be taking a ferry to the island in two or three hours and then we’ll spend the night, take the ferry back to the rest of the Outer Banks tomorrow morning and spend more time heading north on them  before turning east toward home.

Gotta go.  I want to wake up the rest of the crew and get to the ferry before it gets crowded.