26thMay

Breathe…

I can barely breathe.  My life has been such a disaster since last summer that I can hardly believe I might actually be sharing some good news.

DH has been very sick.  He had a difficult time with the chemo.  Many days, he was so weak he was only up for a couple of hours all day.  Last week, he fell twice.  Got a bloody nose and black eye when his legs just gave way and he fell in the hall.  His back was very painful and his white blood cell count was so low they cancelled the last three weeks of his chemo.  His doctor ordered new scans to try to find out why he was having so much back pain and I just knew they were going to find that the cancer had spread.  I went with him to hear the results and I braced myself for the bad news.  Instead, we found out he’s in remission.

He had two lesions.  One was 3mm and the other was smaller.  The smaller of the two is gone and the other has shrunk to 1.75 mm.  The doctor said it was 8% active before (whatever that is) and now it’s not showing as active.  He said he’s optimistic that when DH returns for new scans in three months, it will have disappeared as well.

I stepped out in the hall while DH picked up new prescriptions and finished up with the nurse.  I called DS to tell him the good news and found that I couldn’t say the words.  I just told him that we had the results of the new scans and then I choked up and couldn’t say anything.  I just kept holding the phone while the tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t talk.  I finally managed to choke out the words, “He’s in remission.” and DS was cheering and laughing and scolding me for crying and scaring him to death.

It’s almost like I’m afraid to believe it.  Like I’ll jinx things if I seem too happy.

And it’s a long road to recovery.  For both DH and myself.  I’ve spent the last year in despair.  Trying not to think about how bad it’s been.  Hanging on by a thread.  It’s almost like I don’t know how to be happy anymore.  But it’s time to learn.  Time to begin again.