Living in Limbo

Sometimes I’m struck by the date.  Can’t believe summer is over, can’t believe it’s Thanksgiving.  Wow, is it really Christmas day?  It seems like I’ve been in a daze since Mom got sick last July.  Dealing with her slow deterioration and then Donnie’s heart bypass surgery followed immediately by his cancer.

Then my brother developed heart problems and I went to stay with him and care for his girlfriend, Kim.

And then Mom passed away.

I just seem to float through the days and hours and it feels like I’m stuck in limbo.  Losing track of the movement of the days and weeks and months.  Now it’s the end of January.  Feels so strange.  I wonder if things will ever get back to normal?

A friend posted on Facebook yesterday:

“have you and your family ever had one of those days…..Sick yesterday…Not feeling great this morning. Went in played politics…don’t like politics….stayed late counting computers (long story) went to grandson’s game…it was not a happy game…daughter and I discussed politics….talked to both sons who had problems…then came home to dark house. Neighbors lights were on…Don was in the house in the dark and mad at me because he had been waiting since 4. At 4 I just leaving Valley for Stuart. Call REMC…Girl argued with me and told me to check our fuse box. That thing has been replaced to to last outage. Explained Transformer outside house had a lose wire. This has happened several times…Squirrels get in transformer and get electrocuted and our electricity goes off. The come out with a long pole, knock off squirrel and reset transform. Now don wants me to call REMC and tell the girl it was what he said and not what she thought. Bed sounds good about now.  What a sucky day!  Can’t get much worse than this”

I had to stop myself from commenting about how much worse it could get.

DH is in bed.  He’s there all the time.  Chemo has made him sick as a dog.  He developed something called “Hand and Foot Syndrome” from the chemo where it looks like his hands and feet have been burned.  The skin is peeling off and he has sores and blisters all over them.  His heels are bleeding and he can barely walk.  They’ve cancelled his chemo for this Friday and we’ve been using Neosporin, ice packs, and some cream the doctor recommended called “Utterly Smooth”.  Really good stuff.   I can’t believe how much better his hands and feet are this morning.  So glad he’s getting some relief.  I keep trying to get him to eat something but he says everything tastes metallic and makes him sick.  So I eat it.  All I do is eat.  And I don’t even think about it.  Just mindlessly cram food into my mouth.  Two more weeks of radiation and no more chemo for a while.  I keep encouraging him and telling him about how much fun we’re going to have on the upcoming cruise in 22 days.  I hope he’s able to enjoy it.

I told my brother I was staying home this week.  He’s still in atrial fibrillation and I can’t believe his heart doctor hasn’t done anything about it.  Scares me to death.  I’d like to be there to help him with Kim but I need to be here for Donnie.  Gotta be where I can do the most good.  Mike has an appointment with his heart doctor tomorrow and I hope they make some kind of decisions.  It’s been a month since he started meds and he’s not getting any better.

Still, I can’t stay in Limbo forever.  I need to clean house today.  Try to find some semblance of normality in all this.  Think I’ll dedicate my energies to laundry and house cleaning.  My annual weekend with the girls starts this Friday and my wonderful Sistahs won’t let me back out.  We’ve rented three cabins at General Butler State Park.  Plan on going to a casino and having the Crab Leg Buffet Friday night, Saturday will be shopping and visiting a couple of wineries and then a Master Chef contest Saturday night where we’ll drink a bit too much and come up with “God Knows What” for dinner after we’re given our mystery ingredients.  It’ll be so good to spend time with my friends

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