It’s been such a long time since I’ve posted.  I don’t like to write about depressing things and I feel like all I do is host a pity party these days.  Still, it just keeps getting worse and worse and I find myself wondering who I am and what’s important.  I don’t even recognize my life anymore.

Mom is still dying.  Getting weaker and weaker.  Sleeping more and more.  Even when she’s awake, she’s not the same person she was.  Kind of has this strange little smile and talks about the weather.  Like she’s so out of contact with what’s going on around her.  Every time I see her, I feel like it may be the last time I see her.

And then, there was Donnie’s heart trouble.  I thought I’d weathered the worst of it when he had quintuple bypass surgery and came through it okay.  But they found that spot on his lungs…

He’s been going through all kinds of testing and it just kept getting worse.  Another spot on the artery that sends the blood supply to his left lung.  Then a possibility of liver involvement.  And a brain scan.  A month of everything being on hold.  While we schedule more tests and more scans and see more doctors.

And now, he’s in stage 3 of lung cancer.  Facing chemo and radiation and a life expectancy of a year to a year and a half.  The rate of remission is only 10%.  And he keeps saying, “It’s going to be okay, Honey.  We’ll get through this.”

I’m so confused.  I don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel anymore.  I do my crying in private.  I try to be positive and I feel bad if I even think about a future without him.  But I know I have to think about those things.  We’ve been married since I was 17.  I don’t even know how to be alone.  I’m sad and scared and just totally devastated.  I wander around the house and everything seems so trivial.  Who cares about the laundry? What difference does it make if the dishes are done or the beds are made?  I don’t know what I’m fixing for dinner.  It just all seems so pointless.  I look at the Christmas tree and there aren’t any presents under it.  I just can’t bring myself to go out and shop and look for presents.  I know I should but I haven’t.

5 Comments

hankpanky says 19th December @ 10:56

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with all of this in your life. Spend as much time as you can with your mom and your husband. Is there anyone you can turn to for support and to share your tears and grief? I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

laura705 says 19th December @ 17:06

Pat, I’m so very sorry you’re going through all this. Whatever you feel, you feel. But I hope you can get to a support group or some other resource so you’re not feeling so alone in this.

fatnomo says 29th December @ 21:18

Patty, my heart goes out to you. I am praying for him, for you, for your family. I hope your Christmas brought some joy and that the New Year will find you taking advantage of every moment. Be positive but know that its perfectly healthy to hurt outloud. I agree with the other girls find some support to off load. Don’t wait. Please?

I’ll be checking on you soon. Kris

tjnorth says 31st December @ 11:34

Patty, if there is a Cancer Support Community or Gilda’s Club near your home, they offer a free support program for people diagnosed with cancer and their families. There is also a support phone line and an online community. http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/.

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family.

pepagirl says 3rd January @ 3:05

I cannot begin to say anything to you that will really make you feel better or change your life right now. I lost my mother to cancer when I was 20 and I know that when you first find out someone is diagnosed those months are scary, confusing, angering and almost any negative emotion that any person can feel. I won’t tell you that it will be ok, I won’t tell you that it will be easy, but what I will tell you is that no matter what happens you will have the strength to push through. Lean on your family and your friends and let go of the notion that you have to do everything on your own or in private. Enjoy life as it comes, live everyday in the present, and try as hard as you can to not invest all your emotions in what may come. I’ll have you in my prayers, be strong and keep your faith.


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