And whole grain bread, soy milk and Splenda. Sounds like I’m back at it. Fighting the good fight.
I joined Weight Watchers yesterday. Not something I thought I’d be doing but I realized that I’m in way over my head and need some support. One day just leads to another, one week to another, month after month, and I just kind of wander around in some kind of limbo.
Things just seem to go from bad to worse these days and it’s really gotten me down. Mom continues to decline. She lost her lovely room at the nursing home. Got dehydrated and had diarrhea so they sent her to the hospital. She was only in the hospital for a couple of days but they gave her room to the next person on the list. Faced with finding another nursing home and getting Mom in it, little sister decided it would be best to take her to her house. She’s doing a great job caring for her but it’s just hospice. She continues to deteriorate. We don’t think she’ll make it to Christmas.
DH got out of the hospital after his bypass surgery (quintuple, if you can believe it!) but had to go back for testing because they saw a spot on his lungs and they wanted to check it out. Turns out he has cancer in the upper left lobe. He was referred to a lung doctor but the doctor also wanted to check an anomaly around his esophagus. If the esophagus has a tumor, he’s looking at chemo and radiation therapy. If not, he’s still looking at having the left superior lobe of his lungs removed.
So, he had the tests done and the heart doctor said, “I removed a portion of an artery in that area for your bypass and I believe it’s just a cyst or blood clot from the surgery. It’s perfectly round and I didn’t notice anything like a tumor when I did your bypass. It’s not my call but I don’t think it’s a tumor.” The lung doctor said, “I think we should do chemo…it just looks too suspicious for me.” So…we’re waiting for them to call and set up an appointment with an oncologist.
In the meantime, we just try to hang in there and remain positive.
I have to admit, it’s all doing a number on me. I’ve stopped doing just about everything and stopped seeing just about everyone. I just hang around the house everyday with DH. Play games on the computer, do the laundry, clean the house. And cook. A lot. I’ve canned and preserved 6 cases of jellies, jams and pickles. My cabinets and the pantry are overflowing. It’s my stress relief. It’s mindless work that keeps me busy and requires just enough concentration to keep me numb. There are days when I don’t even get dressed. Just run around in my pajamas all day. And I know it has to stop. Between Mom and DH, I’ve been dealing with hospitals, home care, serious illness and possible death for almost six months and it’s really taken a toll. I’ve gained a ton of weight. Everything hurts, my ankles, my knees and none of my clothes fit.
Mom is kind of “out-of-it” these days. It seems like she’s fairly clear and lucid and then she’ll make some off-the-wall comment that has us all baffled. She’s used to me dressing nice and looking good. I went to see her a couple of weeks ago and she looked at me kind of puzzled and said, “Whose clothes are you wearing?” She couldn’t believe I was in a pair of cheap jeans and a huge tee shirt. Couldn’t seem to make that image jive with her perception of me. And I was embarrassed because I know I’ve really let myself go these last few months.
So… I joined Weight Watchers. I really need some help here to get back on track. Some kind of accountability. I guess I should start reading my Weight Watchers packet and trying to figure out how it works. If nothing else, I’m getting out of the house. I’m planning on attending several meetings this week to find the speaker and time that works best for me. I’ll let you know how it goes.