22ndOctober

Help me out, okay?

Here I am again. Seems like I just get back on track and then something happens and I relapse. The latest is DH. I was trying so hard to take care of Mom and we all thought we’d lose her any day. She finally got to the point where the doctor said we might as well take her home or place her in a nursing home because they really couldn’t do anything else for her at the hospital. We got her into a really nice nursing home and she actually began to improve. She’s much better now but she’s just a shell of the woman she was last June.

And then, just when I was beginning to come around again, DH got sick. Went for a heart catheritization and it showed massive blockage in all the arteries in his heart. He had to have immediate bypass surgery. Quintuple bypass surgery. And now I’m trying to get him up and going again. He’s doing pretty good. Not smoking or drinking but not exercising or eating too great. Still, I know he has a long road ahead of him and, hopefully, in a few months he’ll feel better than he has in a long time.

So here I am. Starting over again. I weighed myself this morning and I’ve gained back almost everything I lost by working hard during the first two months of the summer. I have to get my bike fixed because it has a flat tire. The pool is closed for the season. I can’t work out on the treadmill because it’s buried again. So I have to pull myself up by my boot straps and start all over. I’m really not looking for a pity party but I get so tired of trying to take care of everyone else and I wish, just once, someone would be there to help me out. I wish someone would plan meals and fix me healthy food. Just set the plate in front of me and hand me a fork. Wish someone would encourage me to work out and then give me high fives after I do. I get tired of being the one who always has to take control of things around here. And then, after I step up to the plate, everyone wants to knock me back down. “You don’t need to workout so much, take a couple of days off. Come on… order pizza for dinner, please? What do you mean you have to exercise? You exercised yesterday!

I keep thinking of that old song by Faith Hill, “Won’t Somebody Stand By Me”

It’s quiet here tonight
There’s a light burnin’ far away
It burns in my heart
In the rain, in the dark
Well, this girl’s gonna have her day

I’ve been this alone for so long
I’m beginning to wonder why
I stand in one place
Different name, different face
But no one’s gonna see me
Break down and cry

Won’t somebody stand by me
Stand by me just one time
Won’t somebody stand by me
Stand by me just one time

Lord, I don’t understand
What’s slipping through these hands
You’d think by now I’d know when to let go
Here I am
Won’t somebody stand, stand by me

I’m not bending tonight
But I’m twisted and turned and broken down
I’m starting to know the sound
Of nothing and no one and yet everything

Well, if God’s here tonight,
Are You here tonight?
Maybe You could grab me up
Lord, stand me on my feet
Give me strength and set me free
‘Cause I’m not giving in until I’ve had enough

1stOctober

Lost in Twoson

I’ve been wandering around in a daze for weeks now. Trying to deal with Mom and DH in the hospital and retirement issues and everything else. About the only thing I haven’t been dealing with is diet and exercise.

I weighed myself this morning. Woke up with a firm resolve to get back in the fight. I weigh 207.5. Seems like I’ve been stuck in Twoson for years. I was so close to Onederland and then started backtracking.

The days and weeks keep piling up. Mom gets a little better, then she gets worse. And I spend my time running back and forth to Elizabethtown to see her. Eating at fast food venues when I can. Rushing back home and picking up pizza or a bucket of chicken for dinner. Even when I’m home, I feel like I’m so behind that I can’t focus.

Yesterday, DIL came over and asked if her niece could go on the cruise with us in February. I don’t care. Long as she pays her way it doesn’t make any difference to me and it will give DGD, Holly, someone to hang around with. But it brought home thoughts of the cruise and how I was determined to be in better shape. So I could wear some of my nice clothes and feel better.

So I decided that I have to get back to work. Today, I’m aiming for a perfect day. Eating right and finding some way to get some exercise. The pool is a dead issue. Gone for the year. It’s raining so I don’t want to ride my bike. Guess I’m going to try to spend some time on the treadmill.

That’s got to be later, though. Right now, I have to take Andrew for a job interview.