4thAugust

Triggers

I lost another half pound this morning.  Gift from God.  I sure didn’t earn it.

I’ve been stranded for a while.  DH is a mechanical whiz and my car keeps stalling.  He planned on fixing it this weekend and it wasn’t really a problem.  I stayed home and used things in the freezer and pantry.  I hadn’t been to the grocery for a while. Now he’s in the hospital and I don’t know when he’s going to fix my car.

Yesterday, I took his nasty-ass little car and ran around doing all the things I’d been putting off.  His car is a manual clutch and I don’t like to drive it.  Besides that, it looks like a trash can on wheels.  Still, desperate times demand desperate measures.

I went to the grocery and stocked up on all the good healthy things I need in order to stay on my diet and brought them all home.  Bought the ingredients for making a faux Wendy’s almond berry chicken salad for dinner, got some Pepperidge Farm 15 grain bread, some Boar’s Head oven-roasted turkey breast, fake fat-free swiss cheese, french fries and hot dogs for the grandkids, Kashi Almond Krunch cereal and Silk Vanilla soy milk.  I picked up a couple of Lean Cuisines and some sugar-free popsicles.  Stocked up pretty good.

I fixed my salad for dinner and it was pretty good.  It’s a shame that Paul Newman’s fat-free raspberry vinagette is made just for Wendy’s.  I bought something similar but not nearly as tasty.  Ate my salad and then fell into a hole.  It was like a trigger.  I finished a huge salad and then made a turkey sandwich with two slices of bread and fake cheese.  Ate all of that and then ate a helping of the kids french fries.  I checked the label and it said 17 baked french fries only had 110 calories so I went to town! 

You know how they say to dig a hole at ground level and place a glass jar with about an inch of beer in it in the garden to get rid of slugs?  I tried that trick a few times when slugs were devouring my flowers.  They’re attracted to the beer, slither down the sides of the jar and then they can’t get back up and drown.  I felt like a slug last night.  Like I’d slithered down that hole and was destined to eat until I couldn’t climb out. 

I found myself eyeing the Lean Cuisines and came to a screeching halt.  What on earth was I doing?  It was like a houseful of healthy food was a trigger for me.  Like I could eat until I drowned because it was all such healthy stuff.  I did a quick revamp of the day…lots of stress, hadn’t eaten anything all day except for a hard-boiled egg and some tomato juice at breakfast, lots of tempting food around and exhaustion.  Pure and simple.  I was just exhausted.

I had a husband in the hospital, four grandkids running around and enough stress to rattle Gandhi. 

I locked the doors, told the oldest grandkids (Andrew and Steven, 21 year old twins) to watch the two younger grandkids (11 and 13 and on “summer time” which means a bedtime around midnight…or later), went to my bedroom, shut the door, and went to bed.

I can’t say I slept good.  I miss DH.  I woke up twice thinking someone was knocking on the front door and woke up a half-dozen times to pee or adjust the thermostat (hot flashes).

This morning, I procrastinated weighing in but found that I lost another half pound.  Thank you, God.  I’m afraid a gain would have kept me down in the hole.  I entered my food intake for yesterday and found that I came in a scant 20 calories below my daily allowance.  Now I’m gearing up for another day of fighting the good fight.

5:30 Update - Just got back from the hospital where I spent three hours with DH.  I’m tired and the sky looks like it’s ready to break open and rain down Hell and Damnation.  I’m going to try to run out and do my pool laps while I can.

9:00 p.m. - Another day and I did pretty good.  Did 75 laps in the pool and then worked with the aqua weights.  DH called and said he wanted me to pick him up some fat-free, salt-free pretzels and take them to him tomorrow but I went out to Kroger and picked some up.  I also took a look at my favorite salad dressing and was shocked to discover that Marzetti’s Simply Dressed Pomegranate Vinaigrette (in the refrigerated section by produce) has fewer calories than the low-fat crap I bought yesterday.  Significantly fewer!  Yay!  Who’d a thunk?

I ran by the hospital and dropped off pretzels for DH (he is so lucky to have me!)  Came home and fixed another faux Wendy’s Almond Berry Chicken Salad sans-a-chicken with yummy Marzetti’s Pomegranate Dressing and baked a tilapia fillet dredged in cornflake crumbs and parmesan.

I played it safe on logging in the food.  Logged in an entire Wendy’s salad although I’m sure my version had significantly fewer calories since I didn’t add chicken and used a lighter dressing.  I also showed 2 servings of tilapia because the fillet was rather large.

Still have almost 700 calories to play with so I think I’ll have a 100 calorie bag of Pop Secret, watch a little TV and then go to bed.

A lot has happened since I blogged yesterday morning.

I spent the day cleaning house and de-cluttering the kitchen. I was in purge-mode and added an espresso machine, a magic bullet, a George Forman grill, and a bread slicer to the yard sale items.  Got the kitchen organized and gleaming and then decided to do my pool laps before I collapsed.

I did 75 laps (if I can do it when I’m mad, I can do it when I’m happy) and was just drying off when DH called and said he was going to swing by and pick me up on his way to the doctor’s office.  He was taking his annual DOT physical and, although he passed the physical, the nurse practitioner noticed that his heart was racing and decided to do an EKG.  She then told him he should immediately go to his personal physician or the emergency room and he was on his way to see his physician.

We went to his doctor’s office and they did another EKG and his doctor announced that he was calling an ambulance and sending him to the emergency room.  I followed in the car and the end result was that he was experiencing heart fibrillations and it could indicate the beginnings of a heart attack.  They started him on coumadin and decided to keep him overnight to monitor the results and get him stabilized.

Is this a wake-up call?  I hope so but I doubt it.  He was aggravated about having to stay overnight in the hospital and called youngest DS to bring him a can of snuff.  He hadn’t eaten anything all day which is a big no-no with diabetes and the doctor told him he couldn’t have anything to eat so he was starving. My own comments about him needing to take better care of himself were dismissed, as usual.  I resisted the urge to say, “You better get used to this environment because I see a lot of it in your future”.   I stayed with him until they got his heart stabilized and then hung around until they got him settled into a room before I headed home.

I seem to be surrounded these days with loved ones who don’t want to take care of themselves and it causes me to have a constant undercurrent of stress and anxiety.

It was late and I was tired.  I hadn’t eaten anything all day except a lite yogurt for breakfast.  I’d worked on the kitchen through lunch and then decided to knock out my pool laps before I ate because I didn’t want lunch to make me complacent.  I figured I’d snatch a quick Lean Cuisine after my laps but, instead, I wound up at the doctor’s office and hospital until late. 

On the way home, I passed a Subway and decided to grab a sandwich for dinner.  I ordered a 12″ sub and figured I’d have half for dinner and give half to DS.  Not so!  I wolfed that thing down like there was no tomorrow.  Still, I don’t put a lot of gunk on sandwiches.  I ordered it without cheese and topped with just lettuce and jalapenos so it wasn’t too bad.  Looked it up and the whole thing only had 700 calories so I still came out well below my daily calories.

Weighed myself this morning and found that I lost another half pound so I’m happy about that but it still seems gloomy around here.  We desperately need rain and it looks like we’re getting it.  It’s drizzly and overcast and the house is silent.  Feels a little eerie.

I guess I’ll get my shower.  I thought about calling Mom but every conversation with her is so depressing that I don’t want to add to the gloom and I don’t feel like being all chipper and encouraging at the moment.  Yesterday, I called her twice and she didn’t answer the phone.  Little Sis went to see her and she said she didn’t feel like talking to everyone so she just let it ring.  She’s not making any effort to recover.  Even had the aide open her salt and pepper packets and sprinkle them on her dinner.

Enough…I’m headed to the treadmill.

11:30 Update - Did 45 minutes on the treadmill at 3.0 mph.  I’m happy with it.  My ankles may be killing me later but they feel okay now and I managed to push out another 15 minutes over the l last time I was on it. 

Now I need to take a shower and get up to the hospital.  I called DH and he said the doctor told him he’ll be staying through Tuesday at least.  Hello, baby…are you listening????

5:30 Update - I am so tired.  I mean it.  Just plain exhausted. 

I got dressed, did the hair, makeup and the whole routine, packed DH’s toothbrush, razor, laptop, charger, a couple of movies, headphones, clean underwear and a change of clothes (even though he’s in a hospital gown) , and drove to the library to find a book he’d requested.  Drove to the bookstore after the library didn’t have it.  Drove to another bookstore.  Still no luck.  I picked up two 2-liter diet Pepsi’s (DH drinks them like crazy and would rather change hospitals than drink the diet COKE they have) and headed to the hospital.

My own car is acting up.  DH, who’s a wonderful mechanic, said he needs to replace the coils(?) and had planned on doing it today.  Instead, I had to use his car which is a little bitty manual shift.  I haven’t used a clutch in quite a while so it was stressful.

I went to the hospital and had to park way way out on the 6th floor of the parking garage and then walk to the hospital.  Of course, his room is at the farthest point from the parking garage and I thought I was going to die before I made it with a laptop, 2 liters, clothes, my purse and other assorted goodies.  I swear, when I put down the bag with the two-liters, I couldn’t move my fingers.  They were locked in a death grip on the damn bag.

I visited with him.  He was cranky and irritable and they won’t let him take a shower so I helped him clean up.  Lathering his hair with the funky cleansing stuff they gave him and then rinsing it all with a damp washcloth.  His mood improved considerably after I went down the hall and got him a pitcher of ice so he could have a diet Pepsi.  His phone was dead so I grabbed it and told him I’d bring it back after it was charged. 

I visited for a couple of hours, drove home and plugged in his phone, went to the grocery, gassed up his car, came home and unpacked all the groceries and cleaned the house.  Grabbed DH’s fully charged phone, drove to Radio Shack to pick up another charger, went back to the hospital to deliver said phone and charger, visited for another hour or so, fought stop and go traffic on the way home until I thought my leg would fall off from working the clutch and finally made it home.

Now I have to call Mom.  I swear…these sick people are killing me.

Nothing much to say at the moment.  I’m sitting here in the kitchen looking at the results of a week of concentrating on other areas of the house and pretty much ignoring the kitchen. 

On the island, someone placed a shave ice machine, the cups and syrups.  They wouldn’t think of putting it away.  The bookshelf that holds all my cookbooks has a couple of salt and pepper shakers and DH’s meds on it.  The table has a basket of veggies from the garden including ten thousand chinese long beans and a kazillion tomatoes (that was me).  There’s a box, a jacket, a wind chime and a laptop on the corner chair.  The week’s mail is piled on a small corner table along with nail clippers, a laptop computer, a charger cord and a UPS box.  Andrew registered for classes this week and the class schedule and a binder are on the island.  The floor needs to be mopped, the blender and food processor are out on the counter.

sigh…I wish we could all learn to put everything back where it goes after we use it.  I’m guilty of this but not nearly to the degree that everyone else is.  I started out the summer on a warpath and everyone kind of pitched in but, as soon as I got the word that my retirement is official, they all just kind of took for granted that I’ll be picking up after them for the rest of my life.  Guess I’ll work on getting the kitchen back in shape today and started beating my drums again.

On the weight front, I lost 1 1/2 pounds.  Feel good about that.  I need to keep thinking positive and have faith that I’m headed in the right direction.  I have a tendency to get depressed if I weigh in tomorrow and find that I’ve gained a pound.  I promise to chill out and accept the fact that weight fluctuates and look at the weight I’ve already lost.

1stAugust

Mixed Messages

The mind is willing but the body is not.

My ankles hurt soooo bad this morning.  I feel like they’re full of crushed glass.  I’ve been sitting here for a couple of hours.  Drinking my coffee, checking my e-mail, playing games on the computer and trying to decide what to do about it.  Every time I get up and walk to the coffeepot or the bathroom, my left ankle is agonizing.

My heart is telling me to get off my butt and go out to the pool.  My body is saying, “You’re going to regret it.  You need to take some Aleve and stay off your feet today.”

I really need to have surgery on my left ankle.  I’ve been putting it off for about five years.  Indecisive.  I had surgery on the right one ten years ago and spent 3 months in a wheelchair with a cast that went from my toes to my knee.  It didn’t get much better so I had more surgery and spent another month in a wheelchair…more surgery and more time in a wheelchair.  Finally, after changing surgeons and having a fifth surgery, another cast, and another 3 months in a wheelchair, it got better.  Took five years to get a decent result.  Now, it still hurts sometimes but the pain will ease up pretty quickly.  I’ve lost a lot of motion in it and it always makes me feel off balance.  I’ve procrastinated having the left ankle done because I really don’t want to open that can of worms.  And I’m certainly not in any position to spend three months in a wheelchair.  Before, I was pretty good with the crutches but I’m not so sure anymore.  Not sure I could use them like I did before.  Afraid I’ll be glued to that chair and gain 50 pounds over the six months it would take for it to heal enough to start working out again.

So here I am.  Wanting to get out there and do my laps and yet my body is warning me not to.  Mentally, I’m in a good place.  I want to exercise and get healthier.  Even though I’m at the same place I was a week ago in terms of weight.  I still feel better.  More confident.  More committed.

Crap.  Enough procrastinating.  I’m going to the pool.

11:30 Update - Oh Yeah!  Who’s your Daddy??? 

I did my pool laps and then, because I’m tired of my body calling the shots, I pushed out another 15 laps for a total of 75. 

I’m so tired of feeling bad and dealing with bad ankles, backaches, and generalized lethargy.  I was feeling angry about my body acting up and just kept on going.  And now, after finishing, my ankle is limber and I have a lot less pain than I did an hour ago.  Yay, me!