31stDecember

Potroast in the oven

And all that other winter kind of stuff.  Staying in.  Reading books.  Watching movies.  Cleaning house (not much) and cooking comfort food.

DH and I had a nice time in Tunica.  It was so good to get away and just be able to spend time together.  I checked my end of the year gambling debt and found out that I went in the hole $74 for the year.  Not bad, considering all the free rooms and free buffets we racked up.  DH went online and checked his and found that he lost $112 for the year.  Not too shabby for a couple of cheapies.

DH and I were able to talk about life style changes.  He and I both are ready to make some New Year’s resolutions and turn over a new leaf.  My job is to do the research.  I spent quite a bit of time on Sparkspeople this morning making new goals and looking over their site.  I may go with their diet plan but I haven’t spent enough time to tell if it’s something we want to choose.  Short term goals?  I’m looking at our trip to Vegas in April.  I’d like to be able to get back in some of my nice summer clothes by then but I think I’m resigned to wearing fat girl clothes the rest of the winter.

We came home after a week so I could go to the doctor.  Didn’t get any encouraging news there.  In fact, the new doctor wants me to avoid caffeine, carbonated drinks, alcohol (those aren’t really a problem) and artificially sweetened drinks.  Damn!  The only thing I drink is a little coffee in the morning and Crystal Light.  Now I can’t have that.  I asked her what I was supposed to drink and she said “Water!”  Give me a break.  I want my Crystal Light!  She did tell me that I don’t have a prolapsed uterus.  I have a rectocele.  Delightful!  She referred me to a colonrectal surgeon and I told her I’d already seen two of them and gotten totally different opinions.  She asked who they were and pronounced both of them “Excellent!  I wouldn’t presume to contradict either one of them.”  That’s just great…since they both gave me totally different advice.  sigh….I’m just about ready to ignore both of them.  Eat my veggies and fruit and quit taking stuff to keep me constipated.  It makes me feel like crap (no pun intended).

Holly is back with DIL and she’s not returning my phone calls.  I’m going to have to check up on her.  DIL’s mother has called me several times over the Christmas break and DIL is not happy that we’re comparing notes.  Seems that DIL has been playing a lot of games over the last couple of years and using a lot of drama to get what she wants. I was told that she quit her job because of a disagreement with a co-worker.  Her mother tells me she was fired for stealing money so she could go on vacation with her boyfriend.  She was arraigned last week and is set to go to court February 2nd.  It appears that was one of the main reasons for her meltdown before Christmas.  She found out they were going to press charges.  Her mother tells me this is the second time she stole money from work.  Sorry…I don’t have much sympathy.  I’m thinking of Holly and what I need to do for her.  Her mother is on her own.

DH just walked in and I want to talk to him about Sparkspeople.  Later.

Things have been pretty crazy the last few days.  Other DIL, the one I don’t mention a lot, had a meltdown and I’ve been dealing with that.  This is Andrew’s and Steven’s mother.  Fairly functional but always very needy and lazy in terms of taking care of her kids and house but pretty good at keeping a job.  Granddaughter, Holly, lives with her.

Holly called me last Monday afternoon and told me she thought Mommy needed to go to the hospital.  I tried to talk to DIL and she just kept crying and sobbing about how she wanted to die and be with her daughter that died 17 years ago.  I lost patience with her because I kept trying to get her to stop talking that way in front of Holly but I couldn’t get through to her so I called the police.  She’s really into drama and I didn’t know if it was her usual meltdown or if she was serious so I decided that the police could handle it a lot better than I could.

I drove over there.  I’d never been inside her house before.  She’s a terrible housekeeper and it always pisses me off to look at it so I’ve just pulled up in the drive a couple of times to let Holly out.  DS and Holly are over here so much, there’s never been a need for me to go over there.  I was shocked.  There were six police cars over there and the inside of the house looked like one of those scenes from Hoarders.  There were two dogs, two cats, the water had been turned off and the place smelled so bad it would make you sick.  The police were trying to deal with DIL who was half-naked and rocking back and forth in a closet and DGD, Holly, was crying and ran up to me the minute I pulled up.  I told her to wait in my car and went to talk to the police.

The police told me she was having “some kind of episode” and they were taking her to the hospital where they could keep her for 72 hours observation.  They were trying to weave their way through piles of dirty clothes, dirty dishes and other filth and DIL had taken everything that belongs to DS and thrown it out in the front yard in the snow.  They told me they were calling CPS and asked me to take Holly and some of her clothes.  Poor Holly (11 years old) was rummaging around in piles of dirty clothes to find something to wear to school and I told her to just forget it.  It was easier to just buy her new ones.

I called DS, who was in Arkansas and told him what was going on.  He was furious.  He’s on the road most of the time and lives with his girlfriend when he isn’t.  He told me he’d paid DIL’s rent at the beginning of the month and given her another $400 just the week before because she said she needed it for her water, electric and gas money to go to work.  So, he’d given her almost $1,000 in a two week period.  Turns out, she just decided to quit her job a month earlier for no apparent reason and had just started a new job the week before.  He said she’d been calling him non-stop for two days and he finally blocked her number.  He said she was calling his girlfriend a “whore” and had been threatening to go over there and make a big scene.

I called DIL’s mother to tell her what was going on and she knew more about it than I did.  Seems that the idiot had been to the house.  Knew that the water had been off for more than a week.  Knew that her daughter was losing it and living in absolute filth with Holly.  And then she gives me this idiotic dialogue about how she’d just talked to her four hours earlier and “she was fine….upset about her boyfriend breaking up with her….upset and jealous about DS and his new girlfriend…house was so filthy she had to stand in the doorway because she couldn’t even breathe…yada, yada”  How can you start a dialogue like that by stating, “I just talked to her four hours earlier and she was fine“???  AND her mother tells me she told her that she was going to have to get a grip because the school already called CPS once and now there’s been two calls.”  Which just goes to reinforce my opinion about CPS.  They’d been called two weeks earlier and hadn’t done anything.  Hadn’t even contacted her.

I stopped on the way home and got Holly what she needed and told DS she wasn’t going back there until I was satisfied that things were okay.  If I have to, I’ll keep her and raise her like I did with the twins.

I made arrangements for youngest DS to take Holly to school the next day and was shocked when I called DIL’s mother to see what was going on and she told me she’d gone to the hospital and had DIL released into her care and had her at her house.  Are you kidding me????  The woman was acting psycho!  She needed to be in the hospital!  Her mother said, “You know she quit her job because she got into an argument with a co-worker.  She doesn’t have insurance and she can’t afford a big hospital bill.”  I told her I was not sending Holly back there until things were resolved and I’d call CPS myself if it comes to it.  She agreed with me and I told her I wanted to talk to DIL and to have her call me when I got home.

DIL called me that afternoon and I had a long talk with her.  She told me she was exhausted from trying to deal with everything and just kind of “lost it” for a while.  I jumped on her and told her there was NO excuse for the way she was living.  The filth, the hysteria, quitting her job, etc.  She started crying and saying she knew she’d made a big mistake but she was so angry with DS and she feels like he’s just moving on with his life and leaving her behind.  Well, duh!  They’ve been separated for 7 years.  He stores stuff in her garage and at her house but he also pays the rent and gives her money for Holly.  She doesn’t want a divorce and knows he gives her more than she’d ever get in child support.  I told her I would have her water turned back on and Holly was not coming back to that mess until I was satisfied that she was providing her with what she needs.

DIL’s mother called me that night and said she had a big fight with DIL and told her to “Get the Hell out of my house!”  Isn’t that just peachy?  Since she’s the one who signed her out of the hospital and told them she would take responsibility for her and take her to her house.  She said, “She’s lying to me about everything and she’s so vindictive and angry that I won’t have it!  I told her she couldn’t get on the computer but she went on there anyway and posted a bunch of nasty stuff about DS and his girlfriend.  I told her to delete it and she wouldn’t.  She’s just plain nasty.  So I told her to get out!”

Holly has been here all week.  DIL tells me she has the house “cleaner than its been since she moved in” but I haven’t been over there.  I’m kind of numb about what I’m going to do.  She won’t force the issue because she knows she’ll lose.  I know she loves her daughter and I know Holly loves her but that’s not enough.  She came over a couple of times this week to take Holly out to eat.  She works nights and she came over Thursday night when she got off to “drop off some clothes” for Holly.  DS had gotten back in town and was sleeping downstairs on the couch and he woke up furious because he said he was missing $100 from his wallet.  He called her and she denied taking it but he’s assured me that it’s not the first time she’s stolen money from him and he suspects she’s doing drugs.

Are you kidding me???  I already have one DIL who’s totally psycho and now you’re telling me that the “not quite bright, very needy but good-hearted one” is f*cked up, too???  Do my sons drive women crazy or just really know how to pick em?

In spite of everything, I’ve been feeling pretty good.  I’ve got all my Christmas shopping done.  DS says he’ll take care of Holly’s Christmas.  He’s out of town right now but will be back tonight and then he’s off for vacation the next ten days so I know Holly will be taken care of.  Our holiday celebration will be tomorrow at Mom’s.  I’ll be cooking all day and then we’ll drive to Elizabethtown tomorrow to exchange presents and feast.  Then DH and I will leave early Monday morning for Tunica.  We have a week in Tunica, just the two of us and the two DS’s will both have their kids for Christmas.

Kind of ironic that I received our monthly union newsletter in my mailbox at work Wednesday and the back page had an article that mentioned that we have “free therapy available” for employees who need counseling.  I gave it a very hard look and decided that I’d call them.  Wednesday night, we had an ice storm and school was cancelled Thursday and Friday but I know the article is still there.  Waiting on my desk until I get back to school in January. 

I think it’s time.

We have a snow day.  I’m not happy about it.  I guess I should get over it but I’m tired of having to make up weeks of school in the summer time.  I compare a cold, miserable day when I can’t get out of the house and don’t have anything fun to do with a beautiful day in May when the sun is shining and I’m soooo ready for summer break with flowers to plant and places to go.

I woke up early.  Thought about going to the spa but it was only 16 degrees when I woke up and the wind was blowing so I didn’t think the spa would be very pleasant.  Instead, I took a couple of candles into the bathroom, filled my big soaker tub with steamy water and scented bath salts and relaxed with a cup of coffee.  I tried planning my day but I don’t feel like doing anything and I couldn’t help thinking about how unlike myself that is.

I tried to think about what’s making me so depressed and there were so many things.  I feel betrayed.  I’ve always worked like a dog and did my best to raise my kids and take care of my body and I feel like everything has been for nothing.  Oldest DS does his own thing and doesn’t seem to even recognize that he has children who need him.  Younger DS refused to recognize what was happening in his life and now a psycho bitch has custody of his kids and uses them to control him.  Even though he’s finally seen the light, he has to watch everything he says and does to keep her from punishing him with his own kids.

And my body…I don’t even want to go there.  I know my genes want me to be fat and I’ve fought it all my life.  Watched what I ate, exercised like a demon and managed to keep it under control for fifty years.  Now, my ankles hurt all the time, my uterus is prolapsed and I have incontinence.  I can’t sleep and I feel horrible most of the time.  I can’t seem to get to a good place where I feel in control.  I just feel lost.

Enough of this.  I’m going to get dressed and do something.

9:30 update:  Pity party is over and Sistah Pat is taking the reins.  I called my GYN to see if she had any cancellations today because of the snow.  I had to cancel my appointment last week because I just couldn’t work it out at school.  She wasn’t in today.

So I decided to color my hair.  Bright red.  And I’m waiting 20 minutes for it to color.  Shaved my legs and underarms.  Weighed myself (now I’m at 210.5).

I’ve needed a haircut for weeks and haven’t felt like going to get it done.  As soon as I can rinse the color out and put a phone up to my ear, I’m calling to see if they’re open today.  If not, I’m going to continue with heavy duty cleaning.

I’m going to plan dinner and it’s going to be healthy.  I’m going to walk on my treadmill.  Let the chips fall where they may.

10:00 - The hair salon is closed today.  So I got the scissors.  Looks pretty good.  Even if I do say so myself.  Time to plan dinner.

11:00 - Got the car warming up and thawing out.  I had a hard time getting the door open because it was frozen shut.  I decided to fix Ginger Chicken with Snow Pea Salad for dinner from My Favorite Recipes category.  Dressed in my new KMart fat girl jeans (size 18 Women’s PLUS), a nice blouse and a new sweater.  Even put on a jazzy necklace.  Got my new bra on so the girls are high and proud.  Now I’m headed for Kroger, Kmart, Walmart and Aldi’s for assorting shopping tasks.  Feeling strong so far.

3:30 - Back from shopping.  Got all my “Secret Santa” gifts for my colleague at work.  Picked up a couple cheap Walmart Christmas tees and all the stuff for dinner.  Some SUV jerk at Walmart went flying by the pedestrian crosswalk without even slowing down and splashed yucky black slush on the bottom half of my coat.  Jerk!  Glad it wasn’t the white one.  I think I can sponge most of it off.  It’s olive green so I can probably get away with it.

Haven’t eaten anything all day and I know that’s bad but I’m on a roll so I’m going to jump on the treadmill before I slow down.

Just got out of the spa.  It’s snowing but it’s not too cold (25 degrees) so the spa felt great.  We’re having a “light snow mist” at the moment and the flakes felt like cold little tingles on my face.  I sat out there for a long time, enjoying the warmth of the water and dreading the moment when I’d have to jump out of the spa and feel the snow on the more sensitive parts of my body and run barefoot to get back in the house.  Finally, DS came to the door and said, “Hey!  You still out there?  Need me to carry you in?”  HA!  Like he could.  It gave me the boost I needed to jump out  and leave my footprints in the snow as I scurried back inside.

Today has been a cleaning day.  I did some heavy duty cleaning in the kitchen.  Cleaned out the pantry and sorted through all the junk we accummulate.  Found a box of Jello that expired in 2007. 

I went shopping this morning.  Finally broke down and bought some clothes.  In size 18.  Bah!  I got three sweaters, three pair of pants, two pair of shoes, two pair of snuggly thermal underwear pants and three bras.  I refuse to buy anymore clothes in those sizes.  That’s going to have to hold me until I lose some weight.

DS just came over.  He says he doesn’t think there will be school tomorrow.  The roads are icy and it’s too cold to salt or brine.  I hope we don’t start accummulating a bunch of snow days again this year.

DH and I made reservations in Tunica, Mississippi over Christmas.  He was entitled to two free days at Hollywood Casino and so was I.  We both were offered a free breakfast buffet, dinner buffet and $60 in free slot play.  So, we reserved a full week.  The cost of the three additional days was only $29 a night so that’s a pretty good package.  We’re celebrating Christmas with the family next Sunday and then we’ll be gone from the 20th to the 27th.  A week at the hotel with indoor heated pool and spa, 2 breakfast buffets, 2 dinner buffets, $120 in slot play for under $100!

Looks like I’m going to get out of school at a halfway decent time today.  That means I’m off to see Victoria and her tape measures and wired bras with underarm support panels.  Been a while since I’ve seen a flimsy, lacy little bra with spaghetti straps.  Quite a while, actually.

Dinner with the girls was nice last night.  I ordered:

Non Vegetarian Thali
A traditional Indian meal served in silver platter with Tandoori Chicken, Chicken Tikka Masala, Lamb Saag, Dal, Rice, Raitha, Naan, Kheer (Dessert), and Indian Tea (upon request only).
  $15.95

The waiter said these were small servings but I had to take home at least half (more like 2/3s) of my dinner.  Don’t know why I did that because, as usual, I put it in the fridge and it will sit there for two or three days until I throw it out.  I don’t know why I can’t walk away from good food and just let the restaurant throw it out.  I always have to take it home but I know it won’t be good after it’s refrigerated and reheated.

On other fronts…the company was good and I enjoyed getting out.  More later…

13 degrees!  In the first week of December???  In Kentucky??  That’s way too cold for me.

Got in from the ROTC meeting at 8:30 last night.  Stopped on the way home and picked up a GIANT Arby’s.  Don’t think I want to check those calories.  At least I didn’t eat the whole thing.  I was tired.  Thirteen hour day and it was the first thing I passed on the way home.  I’ll eat better tonight.  Meeting the Sistah’s for dinner at an Indian restaurant.  Another long day ahead.  I have a two hour meeting after school from 2:30 to 4:30 to show some of the ROTC kids how to giftwrap and put together baskets to sell at the Craft Fair this Saturday.  Then I have to meet the Sistah’s across town at 5:30.  I should be able to get home by 7:30 and get some rest this evening.

I feel awful this morning.  My back hurts, I have a headache and I feel constipated and bloated.  Bah, humbug!  The lights flicked a little bit a minute ago.  Must be from the cold.  I’d better get dressed and ready in case the power goes out.

7thDecember

Keep the faith

If nothing else, I can write down what I’m eating and try to develop an awareness of calories consumed.  So far, I’ve had a small package of frito chips (160 calories) and a Marie Calendar’s frozen dinner at 370 calories.  Rough day today.  Work all day, faculty meeting until 3:30, take the boys home and then turn around and come back at 5:00 for an ROTC meeting.  More later.

That’s what my mom used to say when we were headed for trouble.  “You’re cruisin for a bruisin!”  Down in the dumps?  Pity party?  Doesn’t really matter.  They’re all saying the same thing.

I’m still depressed.  Still full of pity.  Still can’t seem to get it together.

The cruise was nice but I felt bad most of the time.  I had reflux every night.  My legs and feet were horribly swollen.  We thought it was due to my broken toe but it was both feet so that couldn’t be it.  I struggled with my diet.  No fruit, no salads, mostly carbs.  Nothing to drink for eight hours a day and I still had some minor problems with incontinence.  On top of that, my back was killing me for two days.  So bad I could barely move.

One morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom and almost passed out.  I got back in bed and told DH I was feeling terrible.  He said he’d go to the buffet and bring me some breakfast so I wouldn’t have to go out.  We rented a movie and watched it and I was feeling better by early afternoon so we went upstairs to the buffet for lunch.  I went through the buffet line, sat down at the table and broke out in a cold sweat.  DH said I was pale as a ghost and I knew I was going to pass out any second.  I had to lie down on the bench in the booth until the room stopped spinning enough for me to go back downstairs to the stateroom.  I spent the rest of the day in bed, watching rented movies.

The next day, I felt better but I’ve had a couple of similar incidents since I got home.  On top of that, I discovered I have a prolapsed uterus and will probably need a hysterectomy.  I have an appointment with my GYN on the 9th.  She said to avoid lifting, exercising or exerting myself for the time being. I read on the internet that a prolapsed uterus can cause backache, frequent urination and bowel incontinence so I’m hoping that might be the cause of all my misery. 

I went back to my butt doctor and told him the routine of medication and restricted fluids didn’t seem to help and he said he doesn’t know of anything else but he definitely does not think I would benefit from surgery.  I told him about my prolapsed uterus and asked him if that could be causing the bowel problems and he said he wished it were so but I have nerve damage and that’s not caused by a prolapsed uterus.  In the meantime, I’m eating a lot of carbs and living with a sort of self induced state of constipation most of the time.

Now…don’t you wish I’d kept quiet?  I’ve been putting off posting here.  I mean, really, what am I supposed to do?  I eat cheese, bread, potatoes and anything else that keeps me constipated.  I can’t exercise.  Very limited amounts of fruits or vegetables.  My back is killing me, my feet and legs are swollen and my weight is up to 210 f*cking pounds!  Dammit!  I’m so depressed.