Not the same one.  That’s for sure.  It’s been six weeks and things are very different.  I don’t get up early, have a cup of coffee and blog.  Instead, I hit the snooze button a half dozen times, get up at the last minute and hit the shower within five minutes.  So much for blog time.  I only drink one cup of coffee and it’s consumed while I’m running around getting dressed and doing my makeup.

In fact, I still find it difficult to just sit at the computer because I’m used to smoking when I do. 

I’m going to try to get over it today.  I’m eating like a pig and it’s got to stop.  Today, I’m going to start addressing food and exercise.  Wish me luck.  Right now, I’m out of time.

6:15 - Okay, I’m ready for the day and have a few minutes while I’m waiting for Steven.

Funny thing about smoking…I quit because it was controlling my life.  If I didn’t have a cigarette, I was wanting one.  I never had any health problems related to smoking.  No coughing or chest pains.  I just didn’t want the expense and social stigma attached to it.  And…I don’t like to be controlled.

Now that I’ve quit, it’s almost like the habit is more controlling than ever.  Now I have to avoid all the things that I enjoyed when I was smoking.  If I sit at the computer, I start wanting a cigarette.  If I watch TV, I want a cigarette. 

I never smoked at school.  So, I spend a lot of time there.  There have only been three days this year when I’ve gotten out on time.  Every other day, it’s been at least two or three hours over.  I do a lot of stuff and, when I finally walk out the door, I feel depressed because it’s time for a cigarette and I can’t have one.  I’m tired and I’m sleeping a LOT more than I used to.  I get home and eat my way through the evening until around 9:00 or 10:00 and hit the bed.  Sleep until 5:45 and start all over again.

DH is smoking.  He thinks I don’t know but I do.  I thought about confronting him but decided it’s best to leave it alone.  If I confront him, he can finally admit it and say, “Well, I tried!” and go back to smoking.  Better to keep quiet and force him to sneak around when he wants a cigarette.  If nothing else, it drastically limits how much he’s smoking.  We took the RV up to the casino last weekend and I noticed how often he left for little errands.  We were ready for bed one evening and he decided to go into the casino.  After a few minutes, I decided I might as well get up, get dressed and join him.

There he was.  Having a grand old time.  Playing the slots and smoking away.  He didn’t see me so I just left and went back to the RV.

I don’t think I’ll go back to smoking.  It’s been six weeks.  Not long in terms of being a non-smoker.  I still have a long way to go but I’m not feeling the urge to cheat and I haven’t taken a single puff.  If I wanted to smoke, I’d confront DH and he’d admit that he’s smoking and I could have the excuse that he’s smoking around me and I just can’t handle it and yadda, yadda, yadda but I’m not going to do that.

I’m not going to weigh myself either.  My pants are so tight I can’t breath and those are my fat pants.  If I weigh myself, I’ll probably get really upset and I don’t need that right now.  Instead, I’m going to start backing off on the food.  I know I’m using it as a crutch.  Instead of smoking, I’m eating and I’m just trading one bad habit for another.

For today, I’m getting a little exercise and keeping track of the calories.

And starting to blog again.

2 Comments

susan says 7th September @ 9:13

Yay You! I think you are handling your DH very wisely, you minx you :)

One hurdle at a time. You just cleared a biggie!

brseay says 7th September @ 17:17

I’m so glad to see you again…I have been worried. But it makes sense to avoid things that make you want to smoke. Could you add some new, healthier habits? Instead of staying at school for hours and hours, could you pick up a yoga class? The deep breathing could replace the deep breaths you took when you were smoking.

I agree w/Susan that you’re handling your hubby the right way. Make it more difficult for him to smoke and make it so he’s not smoking around you.

I’ve missed you!


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