Still not smoking.  That’s good.  Still eating too much.  That’s bad.

I know the smoking is a lot more important than the diet right now but I’m not going to let it completely derail me.  I’m going to do what I have to do today but I’m also going to write down everything I eat.  Maybe just keeping track of it will help me get under control.  I’ve already done 30 minutes of jogging in the pool.  That’s good.

For starters, I’ve had a ham sandwich this morning and a LOT of black coffee.  Only used one slice of bread on the sandwich and two slices of 97% lean ham so I guess that comes in at about 120 calories.  I know…you’re wondering why I’m concerned about that.  It’s because I know a lot more is going to be piled on before the day is over.

Weight is at 200 today.  Still.  Maybe I won’t weigh myself for a few days.  I think I’d get depressed if I saw it go up even more.

Yesterday was Scout’s birthday.  DIL called DS and said she wanted us to all “get together for his birthday…both families just having a good time and celebrating his birthday.”  She thought that would be nice.  You’re kidding, right?  After all we’ve been through?  I don’t think so.  I told DS he could do whatever he wanted and tell her whatever he wanted but I wasn’t going to “get together with Stacy and her family and smile and laugh like everything is just hunky dory.  Not even for Scout’s birthday.”  I’m sorry.  That just isn’t going to happen.  Evidently, her family felt the same way because it turned out to be just DS, Stacy and the boys.  He said it felt really awkward and he struggled to get through it.  They went to Dairy Queen where he had an ice cream cake and lots of presents. 

I don’t know why she thinks she can lie and sabotage us to her family (which I’m sure she did) and lie and make her own family out to be total psychos to us (which she’s also done) and then expect everyone to get together.  At any rate, 30 minutes after DS got home, she called him and said she had a big blowout with her mother and her mother kicked her and the boys out of the house.  She wanted to bring the boys over here and have DS keep them “until she can figure out what she needs to do”.

I don’t know what’s going on.  DS says her mother is just as crazy as she is.  I’m not sure that’s true but even Jake and Scout said she called them “Stacy’s brats” and told them she doesn’t think of them as her grandchildren.  They had to grab what they could and hit the door.  The boys didn’t even bring a change of clothes with them.  (Scout got his priorities together, though.  Managed to bring all his birthday presents.)

It’s still amazing to me that we’re in this predicament because she managed to convince the courts that DS is the problem and got custody of the boys in order to shield them from the constant fighting.  And of course, no one knows that she’s lived with four different people in the last year and gotten kicked out of each place after having a big fight.  Wonder what today will bring.  It wouldn’t surprise me if she wanted to move back into DS’s because his tenants just moved out.  Wonder if he told her that?

2:33 Update - Lunchtime!  I had a large homegrown tomato (40 calories), fresh basil (0), 1 tsp. Olive oil (40), skim milk mozzarella (100).  So I guess lunch has 180 calories.  That’s 300 so far.  Not bad, but the evening looms like a big vacuum.

BTW, Brandie, all your tips are good! 

4:30 - big slice of fresh pineapple (100) brings us to 400 so far.

7:00 - Just finished dinner.  Stir fry mandarin beef….(I’m going to guess 300), rice (300), sauteed green beans (100) .  Guess we’re hovering around 1100.  That gives me a little wiggle room.  I think it’s really helped to write everything down today.  Still…it’s 4 more hours till bedtime.  Guess I’ll go on Yoville and decorate my house.  That keeps me occupied.

No cigarettes, no junk food, coffee is about all I have left.  Yesterday made a week of taking the Chantix and I put down the cigarettes.  I went out with the girls yesterday and, since they don’t smoke, it made it fairly easy during the day.  We went to Huber Orchard and Winery, did a little wine tasting, ate lunch, picked up some fresh peaches and produce and then headed out to visit a couple of botanical gardens.  It took us forever to find the first one and then we discovered we’d arrived in-between tours.  The next one wouldn’t be for almost an hour.  Not wanting to sit in the parking lot, we skipped it and headed to another garden.

The next garden was a lot of fun.  It was even fun trying to find it as we drove through a maze of detours, dead end roads and wrong turns.  Don’t you love it when the GPS shows you out in the middle of nowhere and keeps nagging you to “make a u-turn” where there’s no road?  Hidden Hill Garden is owned and maintained by a former newspaper columnist.  He always wrote about eclectic people and interesting characters in our area and his garden reflected as much.  He was very friendly and talkative and had a multitude of quirky garden ornaments and sculptures adorning the grounds.  I’d love to stay and talk with him a while but it was HOT and the mosquitoes had discovered my ankles and were feasting with abandon.  Pam got a sculpture, LeeAnn got a sage plant and I got mosquito bites.

We headed on down the road to visit The Concrete Lady (yeah, we made a few wrong turns on that one, too.) LeeAnn picked up a quirky little planter for her sage and then we headed home.  All in all, a wonderful day with dear friends.

Did I say I weighed in at 197.5 yesterday morning?  That was before quitting smoking.  I ate a LOT last night.  Planned a cold dinner of sliced ham, jalapeno cheese spread, assorted crackers, monteray jack cheese, watermelon, cherries, cantelope, peaches, pickles, olives and sliced tomatoes.  I was doing good heading into dinner.  I came home and did 30 minutes of jogging in the pool.  I’d eaten healthy and I’d put down the cigarettes.  Then it hit me.  I ate my cold dinner.  Then I ate some more cheese.  And another slice of ham.  And some more watermelon.  I was eating to replace the cigarettes.  I nibbled on dinner stuff until I thought I’d get sick and finally gave up and went to bed.

I consoled myself that it was healthy food I was eating but I think I made the wrong dinner for the first night of not smoking.  It was easy to nibble all evening.  This morning, the scales show 200 again.  A fluke?  I don’t know.  All I know is that I’m going to fight the good fight today.  I have a light dinner planned and I’m going to exercise and keep myself busy all day.  That might keep me from wanting a cigarette and substituting food.

2:45 Update - I ate breakfast.  I know…that’s normal.  But it’s not normal for me.  I only ate it because I was, once again, replacing cigarettes with food.  Still, I only ate one egg, a slice of ham and one piece of toast.

I blogged for a while, then signed onto Facebook and spent two hours decorating my Yoville house and harvesting my crops on Farmville.  Went out and did 30 minutes of laps in the pool, did some gardening, sat down on the patio and saw DH spitting.  BROWN spit!  Dammit!  You don’t give up smoking by chewing tobacco.  Gross!  I freaked out.  I was so angry.  Sometimes I think he was put on this earth for the sole purpose of making me crazy. 

Oops…better get off here and go to the store.  I just realized I’m munching on pretzels.  I’m going to pick up some healthy stuff for dinner and try to keep busy.  I WILL make it through this day and there’s no way that chewing tobacco is EVER going to tempt me.

28thJuly

Come on Down!

The price is right!  Ummm…I mean, the weight is right.  198.5 this morning.  Still coming down. 

I attended an all day training session yesterday.  Went to lunch with Sister Pam.  I ordered a mango salad with grilled chicken from Qdoba.  Can’t say I cared for it.  I kind of picked around through half of it and tossed the rest.

Met the girls for dinner last night and we had Vietnamese.  I went with the summer rolls instead of the fried egg rolls and had shredded pork with vermicelli as the main course.  Instead of a fruity foo foo drink, I just had a lite beer.  Still not really dieting but the small changes are evidently making a difference.

Surprise, surprise!  DH walked in the pool yesterday without nagging.  In fact, he walked in the pool when I said we could skip a day.  Whoo Hooo!  We had a drenching downpour yesterday afternoon just before we both got home.  I had to meet the girls for dinner in 45 minutes so, when he said, “Aren’t you getting in the pool?”  I said, “Nah, I have to go out in a few minutes and don’t want to have to redo my hair and makeup.  Besides, it’s all wet and nasty out there.”  Then he surprised me by saying, “Well, I’m going to go ahead and do my 15 minutes.”  Good for him!

Of course, it can be amazing how quickly habits are formed.  I got home at 7:30 and it was bothering me that I hadn’t done my laps so I changed into a bathing suit and got them done.

Now, I’m off for another day of training…

Half a pound gone.  It’s a start.  I still haven’t gotten intense with dieting.  Just watching what I eat, trying to make healthy choices and jogging in the pool for twenty minutes a day.

Last night’s dinner was really good.  I marinated thick slices of pork tenderloin in orange juice, lime juice, a little oregano and cumin, olive oil, salt and a bit of Splenda.  Then I seared it, added half the marinade, put a lid on it and let it simmer until the pork was done and the marinade was reduced to nothing.  Then I removed the pork and threw some sliced yellow peppers, onions, and zucchini in the pan, gave them a quick saute, added the rest of the marinade and served the veggies over the pork.  I topped it all with a few slices of fresh mango.  Man, talk about delicious!  I wrote it in here so I can remember what I did.  It was definitely a keeper.

Got a full day of work today and tomorrow.  All day inservice from 8:30 to 3:30.  Since it’s 7:30 now, I guess I should start moving.  Also have dinner with the girls tonight.  That’ll be fun!

Oh, BTW, DH actually walked in the pool yesterday without me nagging.  At least, he said he did and the grandkids backed him up.  DS and I had to go to Little Sister’s and help her set up an above-ground pool she got on clearance and he says he did laps while I was gone.  Come to think of it, that was one heck of a workout.  Shoveling and leveling that daggone pool in 96 degrees.  Should have burned off a few calories.

Finally broke down and weighed yesterday.  Flat line 200.  How did I let this happen?  The most I ever weighed in my entire life was 203 and that was after sitting in a wheelchair for two months.  Sigh…Why do I do this?

At any rate, I’m getting focused.  Ate a cereal bar for breakfast yesterday.  Ate a Lean Cuisine for lunch and fixed healthy chinese for dinner.  I did slip up in the afternoon.  Ate an ice cream sandwich.  Not that I succumbed to temptation.  I really didn’t even think about it.  I was handing them out to the grandkids and took one for myself.  After I ate it and was throwing out the paper, it dawned on me.  Crap!  I’m on a diet.  I shouldn’t be eating this stuff!  Still, I don’t guess it did too much damage in the long run.  I jogged in the pool yesterday.  That should have helped.

I’m not ready for watching every little thing and counting every little calorie yet.  I’m getting there.  Right now, I’m focusing on quitting smoking, exercising every day and eating healthy.

DH really enjoyed the chinese last night so I’m fixing Chinese again tonight.  He loves Hot and Sour soup and I’ve never found a recipe that I would classify as great so I’m trying a new one.  Also going to fix Pork and Cabbage with some lean pork loin.  If I throw in some more homegrown tomatoes, it ought to be a halfway decent dinner.

Now, I’m off to the pool for jogging laps.  Going for twenty minutes today.

1:15 - Did my 20 minutes in the pool and ate a cereal bar.  Calories for today…120 so far.

24thJuly

Here we go!

Okay, I’ve got a few half-ass trying to get it together days behind me and I think I’m ready.  Think I can focus.  DH is going to do whatever he’s going to do.  I’m going to nag him to death but I’m not going to let him derail me.

Eating hasn’t been so good.  I mean, I’ve been eating the stuff they served us at the conference all week and it wasn’t the healthiest but I left the cookies and chips and obviously bad stuff in the box.  Ate the pasta salad and sandwiches with half the bun.  Dinner has usually been leftover box lunches because every day they had a couple hundred extra and told all of us who were working it to take some home for dinner.  The rest were donated to a homeless shelter.  Except Thursday.  On Thursday, they decided to leave the extra lunches for us to eat on Friday since the conference was over and ten to fifteen of us would be taking stuff down and getting the building back in order.

So, on Friday, we had 300 assorted box lunches in the walk-in fridge.  After we ate, the coordinator told the clean up crew to throw the rest out because they couldn’t donate anything that was a day old.  Are you crazy??? It just killed me!  How can you throw out 300 box lunches with sandwiches or pasta salad or cheese tortillini, apples, chips, cookies, brownies, etc?  Do you think hungry people will turn up their noses at a day old box lunch?  Still, that’s the policy. 

So, I went downstairs and started packing up lunches to take home.  I put 50 of them in a box and loaded them into my car.  Came home and picked out all the apples, cookies, chips, etc.  The sandwiches were probably soggy so I threw them out but I salvaged at least a gallon of pasta salad and cheese tortellin.  I also snagged 20 chipotle grilled chicken breasts.  Sorry…I just couldn’t see it hitting the trash.  I didn’t really have time to deal with it or I would have taken more.  Is it just me, or could you sit back and watch 250 box lunches hit the trash?  And these were catered by a decent restaurant at $9.00 each.  Just because they’d sat in a refrigerator overnight?

Anyway, that stuff is for whoever wants to eat it.  There’s certainly enough people here.  DH, DS, two nineteen year old grandsons, Jake and Scout.  DIL dropped them off last Friday for DS’s weekend and she hasn’t picked them up.  He’s called her several times and she just says she’s sick and he’s going to have to watch them and then hangs up on him.  We don’t know what’s going on with that.  DS thinks she has a new boyfriend and is staying with him.  We’ve turned it over and over in our minds about what to do but I don’t think there’s anything we can do.  We told the courts how she is.  Told them this would happen.  And no one listened and no one cared.  She has custody and there’s nothing we can do.  Never mind that she hasn’t picked them up for eight days and refuses to discuss why or when she’s picking them up.  In fact, DS told her on Wednesday that the kids were upset and worried and if she was sick, he’d be glad to keep them until she felt better but he’d like to at least bring them by to see her.  She got really uptight and said she wasn’t able to deal with them right now and she did not want him to bring them over.  Of course, I can kind of understand why…her car hasn’t been there all week so she’s not home.  This is not his weekend to have them and he has to work so I’m watching them.  We have no idea when she’ll pick them up.

Enough about that…just venting..

On the healthy living aspect of things.  I think I’m ready.  Already exercised in the pool today.  Took my Chantix.  Had a cereal bar with milk for breakfast.  I’ve got to take a shower and get the chlorine off and (sigh..) I’m going to weigh myself.

That’s the name of the conference I’m working this week.  It’s for middle school teachers.  This group has lived up to the name.  They work like a well-oiled machine.  My role is to provide a go-between for the school and the conference staff.  I wish they all worked as well as these guys do.  It lets me actually take a lunch break and do some blogging.

Things are not going well with DH.  I’m taking him out to dinner tonight and having a heart-to-heart with him.  I can’t do this for him.  His doctor told me he really needs to start taking better care of himself and I’ve been trying to encourage him and working hard to see that he has the support and tools that he needs but he’s got to take responsibility for himself.  I’m not going to let his resistance derail me any more than it already has.

I got off yesterday and raced to the store to pick up all the ingredients for Grilled Cuban Lime Chicken with mango salsa, fresh green beans for sauteing and home-grown tomatoes.  For dessert, I picked up that new Jello Mousse stuff that’s really good and sugar-free.  I was really tired (because I’m fat and totally out of shape) and all I wanted to do was drag my sorry butt home and watch TV but I kept pushing the cart down the aisles and making sure I got everything I needed to prepare a healthy dinner that would meet with DH’s expectations.

I got home and he was lying on the couch watching TV.  At 4:30!  I said, “Can you go out on the porch and get the rest of the bags for me?”  He immediately bellows at the top of his lungs, “ANDREW!  Come down here and help your grandmother.” 

I said, “Why are you calling Andrew all the way down here from upstairs?  Just step out the door and grab the bags.  He said, “I’m tired!  I worked all day.  He can go out there and get the bags.”

Okay, fine, I don’t care.   Just get the damn bags in the kitchen so I can get dinner going.  I ran into the bedroom and changed into a bathing suit and headed to the kitchen to get a jump on dinner before doing laps.

I started seasoning chicken breasts, chopping and dicing fruit to make salsa and blanching green beans and I called out to DH, “I’m going to be about five or ten more minutes in here and then we’ll go out to the pool and get that done so we can relax for the rest of the evening.”

Yeah, you guessed it…He let me know, loud and clear, “I’m not going out there!  I’m tired and I don’t want to do anything but relax and watch TV.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I thought, “I am not in the mood for this.  I’m doing all I can to get myself motivated and I don’t want to be argueing with him about whether or not he’s going to eat right, exercise or take care of himself.  I’m just going to let it go and take care of myself.  I can’t make him want to improve his health and I’m not going to let his attitude upset me. ” 

I don’t want to go into the details but he interpreted my silence as being angry and started making all kinds of excuses and complaints about how hard he works and how he ought to be able to do what he wants in his own home, yadda, yadda, and then I did start getting mad and reminded him that he was the one who made a commitment to start eating right and exercising and how he had asked me to help him get motivated and how it was an imposition on me not only to plan all the meals, do all the shopping, fix all the dinners and still be a chearleader for him when he’s behaving like a child and doing everything he can to resist change.

The end result was that he pouted until dinner, gulped it down and went to bed.  I steamed and sizzled until dinner, gulped it down (it was pretty good, by the way) and didn’t go to the pool.  I sat around in a bathing suit until 9:00 at which point I finally admitted that I was NOT going to jog laps and I watched So You Think You Can Dance and then headed to bed.

Today, I’m going to have a heart to heart with DH and let him know what I’m going to do.  Whether or not he chooses to join me is totally up to him.

21stJuly

Excess Baggage

Sorry, Chicklets.  That’s what my DH seems to be.  He’s making everything so difficult it’s causing everything to be more work that it would be without him.  I’m going to give him another week or so to get on board and, if he doesn’t get his act together, I’m just going to leave him in the dust.

I got him to walk in the pool Monday.  Not jog…walk… Still, I figured that was better than nothing.  I ran laps for 15 minutes and he walked for 15 minutes.  I had planned a nice pasta salad with tuna, fresh tomatoes, dill, lite mayo, red peppers, red onion, a lite vineagrette and feta cheese.  He added two bologna sandwiches to it.  Are you kidding me?  I couldn’t believe it.  I said, “Donnie, why are you making bologna sandwiches?  That stuff is nothing but fat.”  He countered with, “What’s the problem?  I didn’t even fry the bologna.” 

Like that makes it okay.  Still, I kept my cool and figured I’d focus on the positive.  He did walk in the pool.

Yesterday, I worked all day, went home, and he started in….”I’m telling you right now…I’m tired, I had a rough day, it’s rainy and I’m not getting in the pool.  I stopped by Subway on the way home, got you a cold-cut combo with lettuce, tomato and jalapeno.”

He got himself a cold cut combo with double meat, all the toppings (including cheese) and double oil and vinegar dressing.

I wheedled and cajoled to get him to walk, swim, do anything resembling exercise and the end result was that he made me so irritated that I didn’t even feel like exercising.  Not exactly the kind of teamwork/inspiration/companionship I had in mind for this healthy living adventure.

It’s stormy today.  Been pouring rain since before dawn.  I need to think about what kind of exercise might be acceptable to him and plan a dinner that doesn’t need bologna sandwich sides to make it work.

I’m at school.  Been here since 6:45.  The conference starts today and I’m doing the technology for it.  Big difference in the conference I did last year and this one.  Last year was a nightmare that just about did me in.  This year, even though I’m supposed to be handling the “technology” for the conference, they have a stellar group of techies doing everything that I had to do by myself last year.  The general directions I got on Friday and today have been, “Just hang around and we’ll let you know if we need anything.”  Hey!  I can do that while getting paid my regular hourly rate.  Just call if you need something.  Otherwise, I’ll be sitting at my desk blogging on 3FC.

I meant to read the directions on the Chantix this morning but 5:00 a.m. came too early for me to be coherent.  I think you’re supposed to take one a day and continue smoking for one week.

As for dinner, DH is home and I’ll have to call and let him know what to fix for dinner.  I heated the pool yesterday so he won’t have any excuse not to jog in there with me this afternoon.  The only snag is that lunch is provided for this conference and I don’t know what it is but I’ll just have to use common sense to address it.  Stay away from the cookies!

Gotta do something.  More later.

12:00 - Hanging in there.  Lunch was a sliver of tomato that was laughable, a thin little piece of wilted leaf lettuce, and sliced turkey on a bun the size of my butt.  I mean it–HUGE bun.  I ditched the bun, ditched the cookie, ditched the mint, ditched the chips and ate the bottom of the bun with the meat and a tiny portion of pasta salad.  Drank a diet Coke.  So far,so good.

By the way, “Somebodylosingit2010″ or something like that left a comment.  I accidently clicked on delete without meaning to.  Please leave another comment with your blog address!

1:30 Update - Acckk!  They just came up and said “Pat, we have tons of food left, would you like a few lunches to take home for dinner?”  I thought I was handling it fantastically by saying, “No thank you.  I had a turkey sandwich and I’m stuffed.”  Then they said, “You got the sandwich?  Why did you do that?  Didn’t you see the lunches on the other side of the room from The Cafe?  The Roasted Chicken and Pasta Salad?  The Chicken salad with Pecans on Walnut Wheat bread with the apple slices and lettuce?  The spinach strata with bacon, Parmesan and Swiss cheese?”

So I caved.  I guess that’s what you’d call it.  I’m packing six lunches when I leave today.  Guess dinner is a done deal.  I’ll continue to keep it healthy.  Maybe I can do something with the spinach strata…

18thJuly

Got Maters?

I do!  Lots and lots of ripe tomatoes waiting for me to pluck from the vine. 

Got home from vacation(?) late Thursday and didn’t get to bed until almost 2:00 a.m.  Then I had to be at work at 7:00.  Uggghhh.  Still recovering and I have to work all next week, too.

 We almost finished the siding on the cabin.  Wound up a little bit short on the J channel and didn’t want to make another 30 mile trip to pick up some more so we decided to leave the last little bit for next time.  As you can see, it’s just a little bit at the very top.  I took this picture just as we were getting ready to head out.

    See the two white rockers on the porch?  Oldest DS dropped them off at the cabin about six months ago.  Someone threw them out and the seats needed to be reglued and reinforced.  The wood slats had gotten loose and the polyurethane or whatever finish was on them had blistered and peeled.  I decided to redo them while we were there and they turned out great.  I sanded them down and DH tightened and reinforced the slats on the seats.  I painted them white and I’m really happy with them.  One man’s trash….

We worked way too hard.  Both of us up on ladders doing the siding in 100 degree heat and I sanded those daggone chairs until I thought I’d scream but it always feels good when you get something accomplished.

We left Florida and headed to Tunica, Mississippi for the last four days of free hotel rooms and buffets.  Lost about $150 in the casino but I guess we got more than that in room and food.  Got to lie around the pool and soak up some sun.  I also went to the Outlet Mall and picked up a few goodies.

DH didn’t want to quit smoking on vacation and I didn’t either.  We felt that we should be able to relax for a couple of weeks before getting down to it so we’re starting tomorrow.  Also starting eating healthy and exercising.  I can’t believe he’s agreed to it but I’m not going to argue!  He seems really hyped about getting in shape before we take the cruise in November.  I think both of us got quite a wakeup call on vacation.  Doing all that work just about killed us and we kept saying, “We’ve got to get back in shape!”

I’ve still got a ton of stuff to do today, got to do laundry, clean the pool, weed the garden, etc.  I’m so happy to actually have home-grown tomatoes this year.  What a treat!  DH and I are going to set some goals this evening and I’ll be blogging our progress!