Sistah Pat

I’m so tired of trying to figure out any of this mess.  Really sick and tired of it.  I just keep trying to make sense of it and there really isn’t any logic to it.  It’s just a total f*ck up.

DS went to court yesterday and I went to work.  His attorney had assured him that yesterday was just a preliminary hearing and nothing was going to happen.  He called me at 10:00 and said they got there and the case worker and DIL’s attorney and the CASA worker wanted to get everything settled and done with.  His attorney said the judge agreed and was ready to make final decisions.  They decided that DIL and DS are to have joint custody but primary residential custody will be with DIL.  DS now has a child support order in place and it appears that everything has been finalized.  The GAL had concerns because DIL has not produced any evidence that she “is no longer bi-polar” and doesn’t need medication.  DIL did not show up for her psychological evaluation and the case worker assured the judge ”she was trying to get that done but they hadn’t been able to work it out yet and she didn’t see it as a serious concern”.  DS kept whispering to his attorney and his attorney just keep saying “shhhh…” and then, before he knew what was going on, it was over.  Here’s the kicker…DS told his attorney before they went in that DIL has not worked with him on any kind of visitation but continues to see him as a “babysitter” to be used whenever it suits her.  He told him that he wanted the judge to set visitation even if it meant he would’t have any flexibility with it.  He was tired of having her decide when and where he could see the kids according to her whims.  The judge said she was going to vacate the “no contact” order between DS and DIL so they could “work out visitation arrangements and work with each other in making any vital decisions about the kids”.  DS whispered to his attorney that he did not want the no contact order revoked because he did not want to have any contact with DIL and his attorney gave him another “ssshhhhh…” and told the judge that was agreeable.   What???  The psycho bitch has attacked him and provoked him time after time and he does not want to be put in that position again so that she can lie and manipulate and abuse him and the judge says for them to “work together to come up with a suitable visitation plan.” 

They walked out of the courtroom and DS asked his attorney what had just happened and his attorney said, “I’m sorry…I thought this was just going to be a preliminary hearing and I have another case that I’m already late for.  I’ll call you this evening.”  Of course, he didn’t call.  Just grabbed his money and did nothing to earn it.

DS went to the caseworker and said, “How am I supposed to work out visitation when I’ve been trying to do just that for three months and she’s done everything she can to make it impossible?  She wants me to pick them up every day and babysit them for an hour and drive them all the way across town so she doesn’t have to go out of her way to pick them up after she gets off.  The only overnight she’s offered is on Saturday and she knows that’s the one night I can’t watch them.”

The caseworker said, “I’d suggest you take the kids on the weekend if you want to have them overnight.  I know she’ll probably be agreeable to that.”  DS said, “I told you, I can take them any day except Saturday.”  The caseworker said, “Well, I guess you better rethink that if you want to see them.”  DS said, “I don’t understand any of this.  You have only met me once for 20 minutes which is ten minutes less that the first caseworker spent with me and you’ve never even met my mother or any other member of my family.  You’ve never talked to any of my witnesses or my neighbors and yet you’ve decided this entire case without giving us any input at all.”  The caseworker said, “If you needed to talk to me, all you had to do was call.”  DS said, “I’ve called you over and over and you haven’t returned my calls.  I’ve left you a half dozen voice messages and you’ve never gotten back to me.”   The caseworker said, “If you needed to talk to me about anything, you should have kept calling until you reached me.  I have a heavy caseload and I can’t always be there whenever someone calls.”  DS said, “Well, I kind of figure if I call someone over and over and over and they don’t get back with me, and I leave a dozen voice mails and never get any response, I figure they don’t want to talk to me and I quit calling.”  The caseworker said, “I don’t like your attitude.  I think you need to go for a drug and alcohol screening.”  DS threw his hands in the air and said, “Yeah, that’s your answer to everything.  I’ve bent over backward to do everything you’ve asked me to do and you people have ignored me and refused to even discuss anything with me and when I get upset about it, you figure I need a drug and alcohol test because Stacy has convinced you that I have a problem even when everyone you’ve sent me to assures you that I don’t!  Send me for a test.  Right now, tomorrow, whenever!  I’m ready.  It just doesn’t seem to make any difference to you people.  You’ve met with her over and over and been to the apartment where she lives with her boyfriend and done everything you can to help her be successful with getting custody of these kids and you’ve totally ignored me in all of this.”  The caseworker just turned and walked away.

Probably not a good thing to have an arguement with the caseworker but I understand exactly what he’s saying.  If I hadn’t been so involved with this mess from the beginning, I wouldn’t believe any of it could happen.  But it has.  And I’ve lost any confidence I’ve ever had in the system.  It reeks.

DS had to sit out in the lobby of the courtroom while DIL, the caseworker, the GAL, the CASA worker and the child support people worked out all the details in another room and his attorney was off in another courtroom representing someone else.  The CASA worker finally came out and introduced herself and said she’d love to pick up the kids after school and spend some time with them and DS told her he barely gets to see the kids as it is and doesn’t want to give up the little bit of time he has with them so she can spend time with them.  The CASA worker said, “Well, why don’t we all go out then?  I’d like to get to know you and spend some time with you, too.”  DS said, “Why are you wanting to spend time with me and the kids now?  I’ve called you four different times and you’ve never called me back.  You’ve gone out several times with Stacy and the kids and you’ve never even met me until today.  Don’t you think it’s a little bit late to be getting to know me after all the decisions have already been made?  I thought it was your job to spend time with both parents and the boys and all the family members and then report to the caseworker about your observations?  How did you report your observations about how I interact with my kids and how they interact with their grandparents when you’ve never even talked to any of us?  I think you’re a little bit late, lady.  Today is probably not a good day to tell me you’d like to get to know me.”

The CASA worker said, “I’m sorry you feel that way.  I’ll try to get in touch with you later.”  I’m sure DS didn’t do anything to endear himself to any of the people involved in this mess yesterday but I agree with him totally.  They’ve done nothing but support Stacy and meet with her and represent her from the beginning and he’s just been ignored.  Their goal from the beginning has been to help the mother do whatever she needs to do to be a good mother to the kids and David, like so many fathers, has been ignored except as a “facilitator and supporter” for her.  And right now, she looks pretty damn good to them.  She’s had a decent job for almost a year.  Never mind that it’s the first time in her life that she’s done so.  She appears to be charming and totally devoted to the kids and that’s what they want to see.  Only those of us who have known her for years know that it won’t last.  It never does.

So where does that leave us?  I’m done.  I’ve disrupted my life, my health, my home and done everything I possibly can to make this mess go away and it’s all been for nothing.  No one wants to see the documentation, no one wants to look at her past, at drugs, at prostitution.  The first caseworker set the stage and everyone else fell in line with what she wanted.  The GAL even asked about the concern that DIL had moved in with her boyfriend and the caseworker said he’d met the guy and been to the apartment and the guy seems pretty nice and the apartment is clean so he doesn’t see any problem with it.  I think DS finally understands how toxic their relationship was and how lucky he was to have custody of his kids and how he blew it all by letting her back in his life.  Of course, it’s ironic that he’s finally gotten away from her and now the judge has revoked the Protective Order and told them to “work together on visitation and major decisions regarding the kids”.  So she’s still there.  Pulling the strings and manipulating him and the kids.

I’m watching the kids today because DIL didn’t make any arrangements for them and DS is on his way to Kansas.  The kids are off school Monday and Tuesday and I know she hasn’t made any arrangements for that either but I’m finished.  I’ve had to deal with her Monday through Friday for 3 months.  Been at her beck and call so no one could say I “wasn’t being supportive” and now I’m finished.  I won’t disrupt my life anymore in order to cover for her short comings.  I don’t know if anyone cares what she does.  When she picks up the kids this evening she probably won’t even come to the door.  She’ll probably call me Sunday evening and say, “Patty, I just found out that the kids are off school tomorrow and Tuesday so tell David I’ll bring them over to your house before I go to work and he’ll have to watch them.”  And I’ll say, “That’s something you and he will have to work out, Stacy.  As far as I know, you haven’t set up any visitation with him so I doubt if he’s prepared to watch them.  Why would you bring them to my house, anyway?  I thought you had residential custody?  I’m not the facilitator anymore.  That’s all over and done with.  You and David will have to come to some kind of arrangement for visitation but I won’t be involved in it anymore.”

Step up to the plate, bitch.  I’m done.