Sistah Pat

Sitting here waiting for DIL to drop off the kids.  Been up since 6:00 because she’s supposed to drop them off at 6:30 but experience has shown it’s going to be more like 6:15.  Actually, it’s supposed to be 8:30 but she had to work early all last week except Thursday and she says she has to work early all this week.

Didn’t get much sleep.  I went to bed at 11:30 and was awakened at 3:30 by DH turning on the light and ransacking the bedroom because he couldn’t find his keys.  I got up to help him look and, by the time he got out the door, I couldn’t go back to sleep.  I tried.  Stayed awake for about an hour and finally dozed off and got a few more minutes of sleep before I had to get up.

DS called the caseworker Friday afternoon.  He called from the home phone and recorded the conversation.  I think she knew it was being recorded.  He called her on her cell, which is the number she gave us and she immediately told him she couldn’t hear him and gave him the office number to call back.  She probably recorded the call herself because she was very accommodating.  Well, not exactly accommodating but not nasty like she usually is to him.  He asked her about visitation starting this week when the kids go back to school.  He suggested that DIL drop the kids off at school on Monday and he’d pick them up and they would spend the night.  He’d take them to school on Tuesday and she’d pick them up and they’d spend the night with her.  He suggested alternating on school days.  The caseworker said that was a good idea but she’d have to run it by DIL because she doesn’t get off work until 5:00 and they get out of school at 4:00.  DS told her they could put the kids in an after school program that they used last year.  You can use it 1 day a week, three days a week or everyday.  They don’t care and charge by the day.  After he got off the phone, he called the program to see if they needed to re-register them or anything and was told they had an outstanding bill of $400.00.  Needless to say, he was pissed!  Just one more instance of DIL taking the money.  He said they told him the bill hadn’t been paid for the last six weeks of school even though he gave her the money to pay it. 

Enough about that.  The kids came in and I sent them to bed.  They get here every morning with a baggie of dry fruit loops, toss it on the table, and hit the bed.  The fruit loops started appearing after I told the case worker about Jake saying they didn’t have time for breakfast because they had to get up early to take Mark to work.  She must have said something to DIL because they showed up with their “breakfast” after we had that conversation.

I’m going to try to turn things around starting today.  My life is such a mess and this stuff with DIL is eating me up.  We headed out in the RV Friday afternoon and didn’t get home until yesterday evening and I felt awful all weekend.  DH took us to Belterra Caseeno which was his idea of a nice weekend getaway.  As I’ve said before, I’m not much of a gambler.  I didn’t even go in the caseeno Friday evening but stayed in the RV and watched The Soloist on the DVD player.  I felt awful.  My chest hurt and I was tired and didn’t feel like doing anything.  Saturday, I went in and lost my $20.00 and came back out to the RV to read.  Sunday, I went in and lost my $20.00 and then sat around the RV watching TV and reading.  I’ve never lost so quickly.  My chest hurt all weekend and it still hurts.  I have an almost constant headache and I don’t feel like doing anything.  I’ve gone from an occasional smoker to a pack and a half a day.  Really, I’ve got to turn this around.  The smoking will get better because I refuse to smoke in my car or at work so I’ll get back to a couple per day.  That’s only part of the problem.  The rest is about diet and exercise and getting some sleep.  Today, I’m eating healthy.  Today, I’m going to get some exercise.  Sleep?  That’s another matter.  I constantly worry about what’s happening with DS and the kids.  I don’t know how to put it out of my mind.  I lie in bed and turn it all over in my mind.  I wake up in the middle of the night and worry about it.  It’s always in my thoughts.  Hopefully, getting back to work will make it better. 

Today isn’t the first “official” day for teachers.  We’re allowed one day to get stuff ready and set up our rooms for extra pay.  I’m doing that today.  Tomorrow and Wednesday are professional development days and then the kids return on Thursday.

And so, today, I’m going to try to start turning my life around.  I’m going to try to stop worrying about things so much and concentrate on school.  Hmmm….maybe I should grab some headphones and start exercising everytime the DIL situation pops in my head.  At least I’d get some bang for my buck.

I’m going to write down five positive things that happen today.  Here we go.  I’ll be watching for them:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

7:45 - Okay, that’s it.  I give up.  I need a therapist.  I couldn’t think of anything positive that happened today.  Nothing.  I planned on being at work at 8:00 this morning.  Kept an eye on the clock.  Thought everything was going fine.  I went out to the car and started it and it showed 8:00 a.m.  How did that happen?  Last time I checked, it was 7:15 and I was almost ready to leave.  I honestly don’t know what happened.  I was shocked to see that it was 8:00 and I was just leaving the house.  I don’t know what happened to 45 minutes.  I guess I was wandering around with a lot of stuff on my mind and lost track of time. 

Everything at work irritated me.  I got there and ROTC wanted to have a meeting right away.  They had lots of stuff they needed to get rolling and I just honestly didn’t give a damn.  I didn’t feel like being there and I didn’t want to commit to anything.

Next, I had a long line of teachers needing this or that and I kind of mindlessly did what they needed.  I had to talk to one of the APs about the school website that I’m redoing and Pitiful, Arrogant, Upchuck Lowlife butted in and started taking over the conversation and I just let him roll.  Kind of figured, “Fine!  If you want to do it, be my guest.”  The conversation moved to the distribution of the laptop carts this year, something I’d already discussed with the principal and he had major objections to the plan and said he was going to talk to her about how he wanted to do it.  Again, “Fine.  Do whatever you want.  I don’t care.”

Friends invited me out to lunch and I told them I’d rather keep working so I could go home an hour early. Everyone wanted to know what I did this summer and I didn’t even want to talk about it.  I kept looking for five good things and, through my grimy distorted view, I didn’t think anything was good.  I couldn’t even think of one thing.  Much less five.

I came home, waited for DS to bring the kids back and then stayed dressed long enough for DIL to pick them up.  As soon as she left, I took a long hot soak and put on my pajamas.  And now…here I am.  I haven’t eaten anything all day and I can’t think of anything I want.

I’m not stupid.  I know I’m severely depressed and thought I could pull myself out of it but, obviously, I’m not doing too well.  Tomorrow, I’m looking for a therapist.