27thJuly

Squinting into the sun

I’m depressed. More than a little. I’ve known this for a while but it took DH pointing it out to me yesterday to help me realize how bad it’s gotten. I didn’t get dressed yesterday until I had to meet DIL at DS’s place. That was at 5:00 p.m. I didn’t put on any makeup. Wore a tee shirt that was huge and a pair of my old “fat” jeans. And that’s not the first time. There have been days when I’ve gotten up and started blogging. Sat at the computer for hours. Watched some TV and didn’t do anything else. There have been days when I’ve gotten up, took my shower after being up for two or three hours and put my pajamas back on and didn’t get dressed all day.

I fixed a grilled pork loin for dinner last night and didn’t plan anything to go with it. I was sitting here with the roast on a platter, staring at it and wondering if we had any canned green beans or rice-a-roni or something to go with it when DH pointed out that I should have (and normally would have) thought of that a whole lot sooner. He said he was worried about me. Says I’ve got to pull out of this. In all honesty, I’ve known I’m depressed a LOT more than I should be. I’m not stupid. It feels like I’ve been wandering around in a daze all summer. The house is a mess, the laundry is piled to the ceiling, I haven’t been in the pool a single time all summer. The flower beds haven’t even been looked at. They’re essentially beds of weeds with a few perennials struggling through. I haven’t made a single doctor’s appointment all summer and that’s when I try to get all that stuff caught up. My GP said he’s not refilling my cholesterol medication until I come in for labs. The GYN said she’s not refilling my hormones until I come in. What’s scary about that? I seriously considered saying to Hell with all of it and not even taking them.

I’ll be going back to work in a couple of weeks and I’m still sitting around waiting for my summer break to begin.

Having said all that…I’m taking steps to address it immediately. I don’t want to get dressed but I will. I don’t want to clean the house but I will. I don’t want to think about dinner or laundry or doctor appointments but I will. On the situation with DS and DIL, I could sit here and blog and worry about it all day but I WON’T.

I weighed myself this morning. 186.5. I’m getting dressed now, going to the store to get some healthy food in here and some cleaning supplies. Oh…and I’m putting on makeup before I go.

1:30 - I took a shower and dressed in a nice outfit (ummmm…..kinda tight!), put on makeup and used a blow dryer on my hair.  Went to K-Mart to pick up a prescription for DH, went to Walmart and got a new mop, bathroom cleaner, upholstery cleaner, carpet cleaner, detergent, bleach, Pledge.  Came home and started a load of laundry, changed the sheets on the bed, and made appointments with my GP and GYN.  Sprayed the top of the stove around the drip pans with oven cleaner.  Now I’m eating a lunch made up of a fresh plum and  2 slices of fat-free ham with a cheesestick.  Fighting the urge to go slip into my nice, soft pajamas.  STAY DRESSED AND KEEP THE TV TURNED OFF!  Think I’ll crank up the stereo and get to work.

9 Comments

sunnydaze says 27th July @ 11:00

Good for you, Pat! You are headed in the right direction. At least you realized it and are doing something about it. Now that the worst is behind you, you can concentrate on your house and yourself again.

On the next hot day get yourself in the pool! :D

Hugs.

Sunny says 27th July @ 11:31

Pat, you’ve had more than enough on your plate to send ANYONE into a massive tizzy. Best you can do is exactly what you are doing now; tackling that. You can’t make problems like what you’ve got go away….so you might as well do your best to ignore them. :: hugs :: :D

eumie says 27th July @ 11:34

Good for you! AND good for your DH. It’s always nice to have a reality check that’s based on love. Good luck to you, and smile!–eventually it’ll become real. :)

paperskin says 27th July @ 13:40

Look at you putting the plan into action immediately. In addition to being depressed I think you must be physically and emotionally exhausted. I think you needed those couple of days in bed. Sometimes you just need to chill out or you might explode or melt away. Good for you for getting out of that mode and attacking real life once again!

firefly says 27th July @ 14:26

I’m just now coming out of my spring/summer daze/depression. I know what you mean. If I didn’t HAVE to go to work, I would have stayed in bed all day everyday. Sleeping mostly. Fortunately, I guess, I didn’t have a choice. Kids gotta eat, Mom’s gotta work. But it’s been like I was in zombie-land for months. I’m starting to really feel better now, have for a couple of weeks. I’m still stumbling around and I still have my blue days, but I don’t feel as lost or sad or zoned out as I didn’t there for a while. Sometimes we can pull ourselves out of these things and sometimes we need a little help. There is no shame in that - we are not super women. And we are the only ones who expect us to be.

Joy says 27th July @ 16:35

You have been through quite a bit . You have had a rough school year where everyone and their brother ran you ragged. You had no time left for you, your health and well being, not to mention relaxing. Then you have all of this horrid, stessful, highly emotional drama with DIL, DS, DKK, and miss susie sunshine (social worker). I am proud of you for getting on with your day even though you feel so down. Good for you!
You really do need some time away, some time where you can just stop, be still, reflect, pray, be calm, and get a chance to drain all of the stress out of you so you end up re-freshed. Plan a few just for YOU days maybe go to florida, soak in the tub, read a book, dink some tea or wine, take super long walks, then when you come back go and get you nails and hair done. Thats the ticket!!! Can i come???? LOL kidding ;)
You take care Pat
You are worth every ounce of effort to feel better

brseay says 27th July @ 18:44

Your DH is a wise, brave man to bring this to your attention. Conversations like that are hard to have but when people truly love you they have them.

Have you considered speaking to a therapist? Sometimes when you are all things to everyone there isn’t anyone who’s taking care of you. And even if DH is there to lend an ear, he’s involved in this too and can’t be objective. About 6 months after Kyle was diagnosed I realized I wasn’t handling things well and made an appt. w/a psychologist. It was a hard decision to make but I’m so glad that I did. For one hour I could be 100% selfish and not worry about what anyone thought. I haven’t gone in probably a year now b/c things are pretty stable but it’s nice to know if/when things get rough again that there’s someone there who’s looking out for ME and already knows my story.

2dogs1lady says 28th July @ 4:21

Hey girlfriend, been awhile since I have written, but I have been reading. With so much going on in your life (and even I can feel it through your blogs) it is not a surprise you are depressed right now. i too agree with a therapist. it is amazing talking (in the 3d world) to a qualified professional can help sort out feelings..
Much love girl…just lay it at God’s feet for guidance…and don’t pick it back up…

Joy says 28th July @ 6:01

Patty,
I agree with the ladies therapy can be a wonderful tool to help us cope with things that kind of bring us to a place where we dont want to be. It can give us the tools to find coping mechanisms to heal, find peace, and move on. I think that it is a positive thing. There is nothing wrong with it, it is a good thing.
That being said (please dont take this the wrong way) Don’t EVER let your DIL, her DM, or even your DGK know (they might mention it by accident). As ruthless as her social worker is she WILL use it against you even though it is a good and positive thing. Sorry just my tad of not so humble advice.
I hope that as each day goes by that you feel better, and get out of that dark place.
HUGS


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