Sistah Pat

Thought you might want to see a picture of DS and I fighting the caseworker.  At least, that’s what it felt like.

I’m home again.  I still can’t master the drinking problem thing.  My bottle of wine took me two days to finish.  I gave it a good try, though.  It was nice to get away from everything and everyone.  DH and I really enjoyed the peace and quiet.  I read an entire book yesterday and slept naked for the first time in ages.  It was great to have total privacy.

I gave a lot of thought to what happened in court Thursday and I talked with DS about it.  I’ve figured a couple of things out.  I was so rushed when I posted Thursday afternoon that I didn’t go into a lot of detail.  It wasn’t the judge who asked me to leave the courtroom before I testified.  What actually happened was that the caseworker asked the judge to have me removed to preserve “witness integrity”.  The judge then asked if I was going to testify and asked me to leave because the caseworker had requested it.

DS said the caseworker ripped me to shreds.  He said the caseworker told the judge that I had been totally against DIL from the moment she met me.  She said I had told her that nothing would convince me that DIL was capable or deserving of having another chance to raise her kids.  She said she believed that I would do anything I could to sabotage DIL’s success.  She said she sees a kind, generous, hard-working woman who has been abused both mentally and physically by DS and stayed in the relationship because it was the only way she could be with her kids.  And you know what?  She’s right.  That’s all she sees.  She hasn’t had time to see anything else.

I’ve come to believe that she fell for DIL’s act, hook, line, and sinker and she saw me as a threat to her recommendation that DIL be given custody.  She knew there was a good possibility that the judge and GAL would consider me because I served in that role in the past.  Her only option was to discredit me and I wouldn’t have a chance to respond.  That’s why she DID NOT want me in that courtroom.

That doesn’t make it right and I’m angry that she’s so biased.  It’s true the judge told her she did not want this to drag out.  She wanted a recommendation for custody so that the kids would not be in limbo for an extended period of time.  The caseworker fell in love with DIL.  And I understand that.  I’ve done it myself.  She’s beautiful.  She’s witty.  She’s intelligent.  She comes across as a loving and dedicated mother.  The difference in me and the caseworker is that I’ve fallen for it again and again and again and have finally come to accept the fact that she can’t keep it up for long.  This is the caseworker’s first encounter with her.  The caseworker sees a sweet, caring woman who desperately wants her children and a mean, vindictive MIL who is out to get her.  What the caseworker doesn’t understand is that I DO want her to succeed.  I really do.  But I don’t believe it will ever happen.  I’ve known her for 11 years.  The caseworker has known her for 3 weeks.

The caseworker could not be more mistaken.  I love the “good” DIL.  I see her quite often and I’d give anything if she could be around full-time.  My son loves the good DIL.  The problem is that the “bad” DIL is around quite often as well.  And the bad DIL is very, very bad.  It’s difficult for people to understand how they could both exist in the same individual but I guess that’s part of being bi-polar.  Still, I know other people who are bi-polar and their “bad” sides are nothing compared to DIL’s.  That’s why I wonder what else is going on with her.  It’s a lot more than just being bi-polar.  It’s like she can control it.  She can pull out the “good” DIL at will and she can keep it going when it meets her needs.

Even so, the caseworker was extremely biased.  I found myself wondering if she and DIL actually knew each other.  They were laughing and hugging and elbowing each other.  The shared grimacing and rolling of the eyes.  The incredulous looks.  It was totally out of character and unprofessional on the part of the caseworker.  At one point, when I walked in the courtroom to testify, the caseworker said, “Your honor, would you direct the father to stop giving me threatening and harrassing looks?”  The judge said, “No, that’s uncalled for Ms. Marten.  I have not observed any threatening and harrassing looks and you are out of line to suggest so.”  I, on the other hand, desperately wanted to say, “Your honor, could you please direct the caseworker and the mother to stop rolling their eyes, elbowing each other and showing such outrageous expressions?”  I didn’t, though.  I hope the judge observed it.  I don’t see how she could miss it.

I’m supposed to be the intermediary.  DIL is supposed to drop the kids off at my house every morning at 8:30 and then DS can pick them up at 9:00.  The kids are to be dropped off at my house when DS goes to work or anytime before 5:30 so DIL can pick them up at 6:00.  Both parties can call me and I will relay pertinent information between them. 

Of course, having set me up as the intermediary, the caseworker and DIL were forced to deal with me after the hearing and it was all sweetness and light on DIL’s part.  Lots of hugs and her telling me how much she loves me and how she considers DH and I to be more of a family to her than her own parents.  How wonderful it is that she can talk to me and that the kids will be with me every day.  The caseworker is all eyes and ears and I’m sure it just reinforces her opinions.  Yes, I do wish I could have the “good” DIL all the time.  I actually found myself wanting to hug her back.  I found myself thinking how good she looks and how much I love her when she’s this way.  The difference is that I’ve learned from experience that she can’t stay this way.  That’s what’s so heartbreaking.  That’s what makes it so difficult for DS to get rid of her.  It requires a hard heart.  It requires the ability to see beyond the good and accept that it’s only temporary.  In reality, when you have a loving heart, it’s very difficult to see someone with so much potential and cast them out.  When she’s good, she’s very, very good but when she’s bad, she’s horrid.  Still, in front of the caseworker, I let her hug me.  I was pleasant and accommodating.  I don’t want to reinforce her opinion that I’m just a nasty, vindictive bitch.  Even if the caseworker weren’t watching, I wouldn’t have been nasty.  I’m not like that. 

Enough of that for now.  I’m home.  I’m relaxed.  I’ve missed you guys and want to try to do some catch-up.  I don’t have to worry about the kids today.  The good DIL is on board and I know she’ll be around for a while.  I’m sure the kids are being well cared for and are loving every minute of being with their mommy.  The good mommy will be around for as long as she’s under a microscope.  I don’t need to worry until the scrutiny is gone and no one is watching everything she does.

I wonder if the caseworker has even looked at it from my point of view.  I DO NOT want custody of two small children.  It’s so much work and I’m tired of raising kids.  I don’t want to have to be up every morning at 8:00 when she brings them over and I do not want to have to babysit and hang around every evening for her to pick them up.  I don’t even want my son to have full custody.  That places a tremendous burden on him as it does on any single parent.  I’d like nothing better than to have DS and DIL share custody with both of them sharing expenses and sharing responsibility for raising their children.  I’d love for those children to know that they have two loving parents dedicated to their well-being.  Has the woman even considered that there must be a reason that I’m so terrified of DIL having custody?  In the meantime, I guess I’d better do some research and see what the Hell was going on with the idea that DIL is suddenly healed from a lifetime of being bi-polar.  DS was just as shocked with that statement as I was.  Wouldn’t you think, if a doctor told her she was NOT bipolar, she would have said something to someone?