Sistah Pat

Another night of tossing and turning alleviated to some degree by Tylenol PM.  I was still staring at the ceiling at midnight in spite of going to bed early so I could get a good night’s sleep.  Got up and took the Tylenol and fell asleep around 1:00 only to wake up at 6:00. 

I have so many thoughts crowding my head.  Don’t forget to say this, don’t forget to say that.  Trying to keep all the good advice everyone has given me in my head and figure out the best way to deal with everything.  Ironically, I just noticed I’m using a coffee mug that says, “Children First!  Thanks for being who you are!”  Who gave this mug to me?  I’ve had it for at least ten years and I don’t remember where it came from.  It’s not a cheap mug.  It’s a heavy, expensive thing from Louisville Stoneware.  All their mugs are expensive.  The cheapest is $22.00.  Not something I would have received from some routine class or program.  I’ve had so many awards in the past for being an advocate for kids.  So many recognitions and certificates.  And yet, the social worker seems to think my youngest grandkids are better off with a bi-polar, drug loving, totally self-centered sociopath.  Go figure.

I keep thinking about how the caseworker said I didn’t have anything good to say about her.  I’ve turned it around and around in my head.  I know that’s why they said I couldn’t have temporary custody.  Because it would be detrimental to DIL’s relationship with them to place them in an environment that would be “biased”. 

I’ve thought about going into court this morning and saying, “Your Honor, I know Stacy loves her kids.  I know she’ll do the best she can to take care of them but I have serious concerns about her ability to do so.  I’ve always been there to take up the slack when she goes off on binges that last days or weeks at a time and I’m terrified about what will happen if the court sets up a structure that will make it impossible for me to be aware of the situation and care for them when the need arises.”  I suppose I’ll say that.  Or something like it.  But the part about, “I know she’ll do the best she can to take care of them” sticks in my gut. 

I AM biased.  I KNOW she will not place their needs above her desire to party and take care of herself first.  I KNOW they will be casualties of her lifestyle.  It’s not that I’m not willing to forgive her or give her another chance.  It’s that I’ve forgiven her and given her another chance time after time after time.  I CAN NOT forgive her or give her another chance anymore.  It doesn’t work.  I know that.  DS knows that.  He’s been blinded by love so many times.  In fact, the reason he’s in this situation is because he kept forgiving her and giving her another chance.  So how can I say positive things about her under oath? 

I’ve been racking my brain.  Trying to determine if I’m blind to the fact that she’s turned over a new leaf.  Blind to the fact that she’s now willing and able to care for the kids.  And yet, I can’t see whatever it is that the caseworker sees.  Nothing has changed.  The caseworker can say, “She has a good job with stable employment.”  All I can say is, “It’s the first time in her life that she’s worked more than 3 months and I find it impossible to believe that she’ll continue to hold down a job.”  The caseworker can say, “She has a nice, new two-bedroom apartment” and all I can say is, “Where the Hell did it come from?  What man is paying her rent?”  The caseworker can say, “She has a good support system in place” and I have to say, “Who?  Her mother has washed her hands of her time after time and she doesn’t have ANY family that continues to be active in her life.  Her mother has never even had the kids spend the night.  Not once.  She’s never even watched them.  Not one time.” 

I could go on and on but I’ve given it a lot of thought and decided that I’m not blinded by bitterness.  I’m just seeing the reality and the caseworker isn’t.  Apparently, the caseworker has fallen under her spell and feels that she deserves “another chance” to be a mother to her children.  DS, on the other hand, HAD his chance and blew it because he’s an “alcoholic, abusive, neglectful” man.  In reality, he’s in this situation because he allowed himself to be used and abused by her.  Now he’s paying a heavy price.  Our entire family is paying a heavy price.  And we have a judge who wants this case resolved quickly and efficiently.  No temporary custody to allow more time for investigation.  Let’s hurry up and get it done.  We can’t have these kids in limbo. 

In a couple of hours, we’ll be done with it.  For the time being.  DS will be ordered to pay child support which will be used to supplement DIL’s “Me Fund”.  DS will be informed of when and where his visitation will take place.  And I will be out of the picture.

“Children First!  Thanks for being who you are!”

3:45 - I’m exhausted.  I feel like I’ve been run over by a MacK truck, beaten with a stick and then kicked in the ribs.  It was nasty.  It was scary.  It was a terrible roller coaster for what seemed like an eternity.

There’s good news and there’s bad news. I think the good news outweighs the bad.  I’m not sure.  Let’s go ahead and get the bad news taken care of…DIL got temporary custody.

Now, on to the good news…A GAL was appointed this morning for the kids.  For those who are not familiar with this term a GAL is a Guardian Ad Litem, an individual (often a lawyer) appointed to represent the best interests of a child or incapacitated person for the purpose of a legal procedure.  He met with DIL and the caseworker first.  He spent almost an hour with them.  Then the GAL met with us.  Our attorney showed him the psychological evaluation on DIL and he was NOT happy.  He said the caseworker had not been forthcoming with him and he didn’t understand why she hadn’t shared any of this with him.  Everything was put on hold while he talked to the caseworker and our attorney.  He came back out and said he did NOT understand why the caseworker was recommending full custody for the mother and he would not support it.  He said he was recommending temporary custody for me until everything could be investigated.

The caseworker came out and I asked her if she would take the kids to the playroom on the fourth floor.  This is an area where kids are supervised when they’ve been ordered to court and only a social worker can sign them in.  She asked why I wanted them in there and I said because there wouldn’t be anyone to supervise them while I testified.  She said I would not be allowed to testify.  I was shocked.  I asked her why and she said the judge only wanted to hear from the parents and their attorneys.  I asked her to take the kids downstairs anyway because I didn’t want a repeat of the six hours they had to sit there last week.  She agreed.

Our attorney came out and told us that the judge was going to move our case to the last one on the docket because she had been advised by the caseworker that it was going to be a quick “open and shut” case and the GAL had informed her that he had some serious concerns and it would take a lot longer.

They finally called us in and our attorney told me to come in.  The caseworker jumped up and said, “Pat, you can’t go in there.”  Our attorney said, “Yes, she can.  She’s the grandmother.”  The caseworker blocked my way and said, “No, she’s not allowed in the courtroom.”  Our attorney said, “Don’t listen to her.  She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”  The caseworker continued to block my way and the bailiff told her to move aside.  The caseworker said, “She doesn’t need to be in there.  She’s the grandmother.”  The bailiff said, “She has every right to be in there.  She’s a family member and she doesn’t need your permission to enter the courtroom.  Get out of the way.”

I was shocked.  I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  I couldn’t believe the lengths the caseworker was going to to keep me out.  Anyway, we got started and the judge asked if I was going to testify.  I said I would and she said that would be fine and asked me to wait in a room until I was called.  The caseworker was absolutely livid.  I had to wait almost 45 minutes and then I was called to testify.  I  answered the questions honestly.  DIL’s attorney seemed determined to try to get me to say things that weren’t true.  She asked if I had ever seen my son physically abuse DIL or the children.  I told her I had never seen my son physically violent with anyone.  She kept pushing and I kept answering truthfully.  She asked if I had ever seen my son drive his kids around after he’d been drinking.  I told her I never had and I firmly believed that he would never do anything like that.  She asked me if I thought my son had a drinking problem.  I told her that I did.  She asked why I never reported it.  I told her I wasn’t aware of any drinking problems until this week but I had come to believe that he drinks more than he should and I felt that he shouldn’t drink around the kids.  Again, she asked why I never reported it.  I asked her why I would?  I told her that I had only become concerned about it this week because I don’t live with him and I’ve never witnessed him being drunk or abusing alcohol.  I told her that DIL had NEVER come to me and said she had concerns about DS’s drinking and I still wasn’t totally convinced that he has a problem but I felt that if he was drinking a six pack several evenings a week it was something to be concerned about.

Our attorney asked if I had concerns about DIL having custody of the kids.  I said I did.  He asked why.  I said because she’s bi-polar and refuses to take her meds.  I said that she routinely goes off for days or weeks at a time and I was concerned because I’ve always been there to take up the slack when she abandons them.  At some point, her attorney asked why I was bringing up issues from years ago.  I said I wasn’t.  I was only referring to the past year.  She asked if I, personally, could give an example of a time when DIL had done this within the past year.  I said I could only testify to the occasions when I had personally had to step up to the plate and assist with the kids but I knew of four times in the past year.  Her attorney rolled her eyes and acted incredulous.  She said, “I’m talking about THIS year.”  I said, “So am I.”  I gave them examples of incidents within the past year.  Her attorney asked if I had ever witnessed her being violent or abusive and I said I had.  I told her of two incidents I witnessed when she had become aggressive and I had to tell her to leave my home.  During all of this, DIL and the caseworker were rolling their eyes and putting on these incredulous expressions as if it were the most outrageous thing they’d ever heard of.

The judge asked why DIL was not taking medication for her bi-polar disorder and DIL said she didn’t have it anymore.  I couldn’t believe my ears.  The judge was pretty incredulous as well and DIL explained that her doctor had told her that her disorder was caused by her abuse of drugs in the past but she doesn’t do drugs anymore so she doesn’t have bi-polar disorder and doesn’t have to take meds.  I don’t think the judge bought it.  I know I didn’t.  You don’t “get well” when you have bi-polar disorder.  The judge wants a new psychological profile done on both DIL and DS.

I could spend hours reciting everything that happened but I need to wrap this up because DH is home and wants us to get out of here and hit the road so I’ll cover the basics:

The judge refused to grant permanent custody at this time.
DIL has temporary custody but the GAL recommended that it be given to me.
DS has unlimited and unsupervised visitation.
No child support has been ordered.
I was appointed as the intermediary (DIL and caseworker DID NOT like that)  All visitation will be arranged through me and the kids will be dropped off at my house.
Visitation was set for Monday through Friday and DIL will have them on the weekends but the judge wanted the option to be available for DS to have them on the weekends for any special events that might come up.

Thanks, friends for the support.  I feel okay about what’s going on at this time.  I would have liked for DS or I to get custody but the judge did not feel that DIL was a threat and “pacified” the caseworker by giving her temporary custody until we go back to court in October.  I feel like my prayers have been answered because MOST of what happened went our way.  Now we have to figure out what the f*ck is going on with this caseworker and why she’s doing what she’s doing.  At any rate, the judge ordered a new caseworker in two weeks.  Hopefully, the new one will have some common sense and not be blinded to what’s going on.