Sistah Pat

Long night.  I didn’t go to bed until 1:00 and I tossed and turned.  My mind churning with all this mess.  Last time I looked at the clock, it was 3:30.  Woke up at 6:00 to go to the bathroom and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I tossed and turned some more but my mind was working overtime and I finally gave up and rolled out of bed at 7:15.  Thought I’d fix my coffee and go out to the spa but it’s raining too hard.

Thanks for all the support and comments.  Word got out through the grapevine and my phone rang off the hook last night from friends and family.  It was comforting but I reached a point where I just didn’t want to talk about it anymore.  Ever do that?  Everyone wants to comfort you but you just want to crawl into a deep hole and tell everyone to go away. 

I’ve gone through all the scenarios in my mind.  Everything ranging from “This is a good thing.  She’ll finally be forced to accept responsibility and care for the kids” to “This is a nightmare.  The kids are going to wind up being molested, abused, or worse.”  I’m really frightened because of the EPO.  She’s not allowed to have any contact with us and we’re not allowed to have any contact with her.  That means she won’t be dropping the kids off and she won’t be calling me or DS to watch them when she feels like running off.  So…who will she call?  Where will she take them?  I’ve expressed all these concerns to the social worker and she says I shouldn’t worry about it.  She says another case worker will be assigned to keep tabs on the situation and a GAL will be assigned to look out for the kids’ interests.  She said the worker assigned to the case will meet with all parties at least once a month to make sure everything is okay.  Once a month?????  Are you kidding me?  I’m not supposed to worry because someone will touch base with them once a month?  All I know to do is to make sure I stay in touch with the GAL.

While it’s true that the hearing isn’t until tomorrow, I feel certain that the judge will go with the caseworker’s recommendation.  After all, that’s why she’s there.  To look over the situation and advise the judge.  Only problem is, this woman didn’t really look at the situation.  I’m not sure what she did. 

About DS’s drinking.  Does he have a problem?  I don’t know.  I don’t think so.  It’s ironic that he told them to test him yesterday and they wouldn’t do it.  He said, “I don’t drink everyday.  I haven’t even had a single drink in five days.  Go ahead, test me.  I’m more than willing.”  The social worker said she didn’t see any reason to do that because alcohol doesn’t usually show up unless you’ve had a drink in the last twelve hours and the test wouldn’t really prove anything.  DS said, “So you’re going to accuse me of having a drinking problem when I’m standing here asking you to test me and you refuse to do it?”  She said, “I don’t doubt that your test would show up negative.  I’m sure you don’t have any alcohol in your system at this moment but you’re not going to convince me of anything by taking a test at this time.”  DS said, “Fine, set up random testing.  I don’t care.  Whenever and wherever you say.”  She actually laughed and said, “Why are you beating a dead horse?  You’re trying to manipulate me and I’m not buying it.”  I said, “Please don’t laugh.  There’s nothing funny about this situation.  I take it very seriously and can’t believe you’re laughing about it.”  She rolled her eyes and DS said, “Don’t roll your eyes.  She’s right.  There’s nothing to laugh about.”  At that point, the mediator reached over and patted the case worker’s arm and gave her a “look” and the case worker settled down.  I don’t get it.  They say they don’t feel comfortable leaving the kids with him because DIL has accused him of having a drinking problem.  He owns up to drinking a six pack in the evenings three or four times a week but says he doesn’t have a problem and is willing to submit to testing anytime and anywhere but they’re not interested.  Guess he should have lied and said, “Who, me??? I never drink!  No drop of liquor has ever passed these lips.”

At another point, DS told the caseworker he didn’t understand why she hadn’t contacted any of his witnesses or talked to any of his neighbors.  She said, “I talked to Diane Felder and she said she’s witnessed the two of you argueing in front of the kids on two occasions.”  DS said, “Who???”  She said, “Diane Felder”  DS said, “I don’t even know who Diane Felder is.”  The case worker said, “She babysits your kids!”  DS said, “Oh!  That’s Dee.  Dee and her husband, Guy, live next door.”  The case worker laughed again and said, “You don’t even know the name of the person who babysits your kids???  And you think you’re a good father!”  DS said, “First of all, I’ve never asked her to babysit the kids.  Stacy has asked her to watch the kids on a couple of occasions.  Secondly, I’ve never heard anyone call her Diane.  She goes by Dee.  And, yes, I think I’m an excellent father.  I’ve raised my kids from the day they were born.  Their mother has come and gone whenever she felt like it.  She’s abused drugs.  She’s been arrested for prostitution.  She bi-polar and refuses to take her medication.  She’s physically and verbally abusive.  And you’re recommending that she have custody of the kids???”  The case worker said, “And yet you’ve allowed her to live with the kids for all this time?  It was okay.  You didn’t have a problem with it.  Isn’t it strange??  Coming from an excellent father like yourself?  Someone who doesn’t even know the name of the person you allow to babysit your kids.”

It was sickening.  The entire session.  I felt like they had it in for him from the moment he walked in the door.  They had already made their decision before they even spoke with us.  They just didn’t appreciate it that he didn’t roll over and accept that decision.  Everything DIL has ever done wrong was either “in the past and not relevant to the current situation” or “you allowed her to be around the kids so you’re either lying or you’re a bad father for exposing them to it”.  It felt like a no-win situation all the way around.

As for me…I have to admit that I’m totally shocked that the case worker does not feel that giving me temporary custody is a good idea.  Am I arrogant?  Perhaps.  I truly thought it there was a problem with DS that they would place the kids with me until they had time to investigate.  I still don’t understand it.  She says I’m not neutral.  She says I didn’t have anything good to say about DIL.  It’s true.  I admit it.  But what was I supposed to say?  She looks great!  I admire her ability to go to the tanning booth twice a week, get a manicure and pedicure every week, and get her hair done on a regular basis.  I love her outfit.  It looks great!  Of course, it might be better if she spent that money on the kids and helped out with the bills but that’s just my opinion.  I did say that she loves her kids.  I said that I felt it was really important for her to spend time with the kids and have them in her life.  What do they want from me???  I’m the one who had temporary custody last time and had to lie to the kids when she didn’t call or show up for visitation time after time after time.  I’m the one who had to comfort them when Mommy told them they were going to get a “new daddy who was ten times better than the old one”.  I’m the one who had to call the police and take them in the bedroom to try to keep them from seeing Mommy have a meltdown on the front porch because she was doped up on drugs and screaming that she wanted her kids NOW and I’d BETTER send them out.  I’m the one who had to put a smile on my face and say, “Look, guys!  Mommy’s here!  Have fun on your visit!”  Oh, wait…I forgot…that’s all in the past.  I’m not supposed to hold that against her.  Maybe they’re right.  I’m NOT neutral.  Still, I did my best to appear to be.  I never dissed her to the kids.  I begged her to spend time with them and told her how upset they’d get when she wouldn’t show up.  I’ve always been there for them when she wasn’t.  I suppose there’s some arrogance there.  I’ve never wanted something this badly and not been able to get it.  I’m fairly intelligent.  Loving, generous.  Definitely a strong advocate for kids.  I thought that would be enough.  Silly me.  Sound a little bitter?  You betcha.  It’s a bitter pill to swallow.  To think that they feel the kids would actually be better off with their mother than me.  I’m willing to put my entire life under a magnifying glass.  There are no skeletons in the closet.  No arrests.  Nothing.  Just a lot of love and dedication for my family.

So now…where am I?  I’m not sure.  I’ve done all I can do. We’ll go to court tomorrow and do our best to talk to the judge but I know that the recommendations of CPS are going to carry a lot of weight.  Can I sit back and leave it alone?  Can I accept that I’m just the grandmother and I don’t have any control over what’s happening?  Can I put my faith in a higher power and trust that the kids will be safe and I’ll still be in their lives even though it will only be a fraction of the contact I’ve had with them from the time they were born.  I don’t know.  The anger is eating me alive.  On the one hand, I tell myself that she does love them.  In her own way.  She would never deliberately hurt them.  Or would she?  As soon as that thought enters my mind, I think of all the times she’s kicked, scratched, and thrown things at DS.  She’s never done that to the kids but she’s done a lot of yelling and screaming at them.  She’s called me and said, “I can’t stand one more minute!  I’m afraid I’m going to hurt them.  Can you take them for a while?”  Was she serious or was she playing me?  Friends are saying:

“Keep close tabs on her.  Talk to the kids.  Fight her!  Don’t give up.”
“Patty, you’re just going to have to accept it.  Give yourself a break.  They’ll be okay.”
“She won’t last six months.  Just hang on.  She’ll give up and then they’ll be back with their father.”

I don’t know which advice is the best but I’m pretty limited on what I can do.  I don’t know where she’s living and I wouldn’t be allowed to go there if I did.  I don’t know where she found the money to get an apartment but the case worker says she has a nice two bedroom.  I wonder if she’s moving in with some guy.  Probably.  During the year and a half that I had the kids, she bounced through four different guys and lived with all of them.  Told the kids in each case that the guy was going to be “their new daddy”.  I told the caseworker that she lied in the past and told CPS that she was sharing an apartment with a friend and then we found out she didn’t even live there.  She was living with some guy she met and the kids were sleeping on an air mattress on the floor during their visits.  We wouldn’t have known about it at all except that Jake let it slip and told me, “Mommy said we’re not supposed to tell about staying at Jay’s house or she would get in trouble.”  At least the case worker seemed to listen to that and said she’d make sure the lease showed DIL actually lives at the apartment.

Right now, I’m just feeling tired and old and heartbroken.  Not to mention powerless and ineffective.

12:00 - DS just called.  They showed up at his job to serve him with an order to bring the kids to court tomorrow.  What’s that about?  Did they really think it was necessary to serve him?  He took them last week like he was supposed to.  Six hours they sat in that damn waiting area and the case worker didn’t even show up.  He said he’d bring them.  He never said he wouldn’t.  Guess nothing he says carries any weight.

12:15 - DH just called.  Told me to get the RV packed.  Said he’s NOT letting me sit around the house all weekend wringing my hands and worrying about things I can’t control.  Told me to pick up a couple bottles of wine because he’s going to try to help me develop a “drinking problem” this weekend.  Sweet man.

8:00 p.m. - DS just left with the kids.  He came over for dinner.  I fixed ALL the kids favorites.  Pot Roast with potatoes and carrots, new potatoes with butter and green beans with new potatoes.  Yeah, I know.  LOTS of potatoes.  Also fixed lemon meringue pie AND we made frozen chocolate covered bananas with pecans.  Not very nutritious but I don’t know when I’ll see them again so I wanted to have a fun dinner that they’d love.  DS has taken them home with the rest of the pie and they’re going to play Monopoly for a couple of hours before bed.  He wants to spend as much time with them as he can tonight.  Tomorrow morning will probably break his heart.

We were talking trash when they were in the kitchen and out of earshot.  DS said he knows she’s going to want his visitation to be from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon or some variation of that.  She’s still going to want to go out with the gang after work on Friday.  He’s angry to think that she’ll probably put them in daycare during the work week (which he’ll probably have to pay for) and then she’ll expect him to take them for the weekend so she can continue to party.  He really wants to avoid that if at all possible.  Talk about a load of crap.  She’ll work Monday through Friday and he’ll pay for daycare.  She’ll come home and take care of them (maybe) for a couple of hours and then put them to bed and she’ll be free all weekend to run around bar hopping with all her friends.  As a chef, weekends are his busiest times.  He’s going to take a copy of his scedule to court tomorrow and try to work out visitation during the week.  That will cut down on the amount of day care he has to pay for and she’ll find out that it’s not much fun to take care of the kids all weekend instead of running around. 

Sounds nasty, I know.  Sounds vindictive and spiteful.  We discussed the pros and cons.  In reality, he wants the kids to be safe but he doesn’t want to make it a piece of cake for her.  The sooner she understands what’s really involved with taking care of a couple of kids, the sooner she’ll give up and be ready to call it quits.  He just doesn’t want it to appear that he’s refusing to be “accommodating” on the visitation so it won’t backfire and make him look bad.  A copy of his work schedule should help with that.  And…I’m usually the one who winds up with the kids when she takes off on her little weekend soirees and he has to work.