Sistah Pat

We’ve been messing around with this string of EPOs DIL filed but now it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty.  At 10:00, we all have to meet at the Children and Family Services office to “address all the allegations” and the social worker will let us know what she’s going to recommend.  She’s been very close mouthed about what her recommendation will be but I’m certainly not impressed by the amount of effort she’s put into this.  She’s met with DH and I once for about 30 or 45 minutes, the kids once for about 30 minutes and DS once for 30 minutes.  I don’t have any idea how many times she’s met with DIL.  At least, after this morning, we’ll have an idea of how the social worker feels about things and which way the wind’s blowing.  She’s been very standoffish and I have to admit, that scares me to death.  She’s refused to look at our documentation about DIL’s past and current problems and she hasn’t spoken to any of DS’s neighbors or any of our other witnesses.  I find it extremely difficult to believe that she can make any kind of informed recommendation other than to place the kids with DH and I and continue the case with DS and DIL.

I’m not sure about what’s going on this week.  I’m available for whatever we need to do.  I think tomorrow is DS’s hearing on his EPO and Thursday we go to Family Court to hear what the judge has to say.  Next week is when DS goes to court on DIL’s assault charge.  This entire mess makes me feel like pond scum.  One nasty battle after another.  The bad thing is that I don’t like to talk bad about anyone.  Even DIL.  I can hate what she’s done and continues to do to my family but I’m not the kind of person who derives any kind of satisfaction from standing in front of a social worker/judge and spewing out accusations and airing dirty laundry.  Still, I’ll do it.  Even though it makes me feel horrible.  The things DIL does are so nasty and manipulative that it almost makes me feel like no one would believe it anyway.  I mean, if she’s all that bad, why would anyone be involved with her in the first place?  Oh, wait, I forgot…my son would.  Again and again.

DS says he’s totally done with her.  Says there’s nothing that would ever move him to let her back into his life again.  Perhaps that’s true.  This is the second time she’s thrown them into the mayhem of Child Protective Services and it’s a nightmare.  He says he thought she’d learned her lesson after the nightmare we all went through the first time.  Yeah, I thought you’d learned your lesson too.  Maybe he has.  He certainly doesn’t seem to have any feelings left for her.

Thanks, friends, for all your support and advice.  I’ve been so upset by all this I’ve been living in my own little world and haven’t been able to see beyond the current crisis but your support has meant so much to me.  Even if I haven’t been able to respond as much as I should.  And then, there are some of you that I’ve tried to answer but I don’t have a link and can’t find your blogs.  Sunnydaze comes to mind as well as Michelle.

So now, I guess I go to the shower, do my hair and makeup, dress in something flattering and authoritative without trying to be ostentatious and begin the real battle.  Keep me in your prayers.

1:30 - I’m in shock.  I’m numb.  They’re going to recommend custody for DIL.

It felt like a setup from the moment we walked in.  The caseworker said we were supposed to meet at 10:00 and tell the security guard that we were supposed to be in the green room because of the EPO.  We walked in and DIL is sitting there.  We went to the desk and told the security guards that we were supposed to be in the green room.  They told us to have a seat.  DIL was sitting on one side of the room and we took a seat on the other side.  She immediately grabs her purse, jumps up and goes over to the security guards and tells them that DS is not supposed to be in the same room with her.  They tell her to have a seat right beside them and she’s talking to them and, after a minute or two, they take her to another room.  I couldn’t believe it.  Just last night she transferred all of DS’s SuperAmerica credit points to her account.  Obviously, she’s not afraid of him, nor does she have reason to be.  It was all for show.

The social worker came in and said they were going to talk with her and then they’d send us back and talk with us.  They talked with her for about 45 minutes and then called us back.  The social worker was there and a  woman who said she was the “mediator”.   She showed us a chart with the “rules”.  Show respect for all parties.  Talk one at a time.  Do not interrupt another person.  No yelling.  No cursing, etc. etc.  She said we’d discuss concerns, strengths, and then discuss recommendations. 

She began by showing us the chart they had started with DIL showing her version of her strengths.  It was laughable:
Good job (8 months)
Good home (where?  who’s supporting her now?)
Good family support (Who???? Her entire family has written her off as a lost cause.)
Insurance for the kids.
I can’t even remember the other ones.  They were pretty trivial.

They asked us for our strengths.  DS said he owns his home.  He said he’s worked as a chef for 15 years.  He said he’s always supported the kids and taken care of them.  He said he has excellent family support.

Concerns:  DIL said DS drinks almost every evening.  She said he’s abusive. 

DS said DIL is bi-polar and non compliant with her medication.  He said she routinely takes off for days or weeks at a time.  He said she gets off work almost every Friday and doesn’t come home until Sunday, drunk and broke.  He said she’s physically and verbally abusive.

Discussion: This is where everything went horribly wrong.  The social worker said she has serious concerns about DS’s drinking.  He told her he drinks several beers three or four nights a week.  He said he does not have a drinking problem but likes to relax after work and have a few beers.  The social worker said DIL says he has a problem.  DS says he doesn’t.  The social worker says, “If you’re drinking several beers three or four nights a week, you have a problem.”  DS says, “I don’t have a drinking problem.  I like to relax after work with five or six beers.”  The social worker says, “That’s a problem.  You’re obviously not willing to admit that you have a drinking problem and that gives me serious concerns.”  I said, “I’ve never known him to have a drinking problem.  During the year and a half we had custody of the kids, he never drank at all.”  The social worker says, “How dedicated are you to these kids?  Wouldn’t you agree that anyone who finds it necessary to drink several beers almost every night has a problem?”  I said, “Yes.  I would agree that anyone who feels it necessary to drink several beers almost every night would have a problem but I have never known DS to have that kind of problem.”  She said, “Well, I feel that’s a serious concern and an unhealthy environment for children.”  DS said, “What about DIL?  She gets off work almost every Friday and goes out and blows her entire check on drinking and partying with her friends and doesn’t come home until Sunday.”  The social worker said, “I don’t care what she does on her own time.  She’s not around the kids when she does it.”  My concern is with the kids.  I said, “Obviously, she’s not terribly concerned with the kids.  She’s abandoned them four times in the past year, taken the car, taken all the money, and disappeared for days or weeks at a time.”  The social worker said, “Where was the father?”  DS said, “I was right there.  I’ve never abandoned the kids.”  The social worker said, “She didn’t either if she left them with you.  How can you say she abandoned them if you had custody?” 

It continued like this for some time.  Everytime we brought up something they either said, “That was in the past and we’re looking at the here and now.” or “You still let her back into their lives so, obviously, you weren’t that concerned about it.  If it was a real issue, you should have reported her to CPS.  If you didn’t, you weren’t all that worried about it happening around the kids.”

Everytime we brought up a concern that wasn’t listed during the “concerns” period of the meeting, they said, “You didn’t bring this up when we asked about concerns so we’re not going to consider it.  You had an opportunity to list all your concerns and strengths at the beginning of the meeting.  You can’t add to the list as we go along.”

Bottom line, they said, “We’re recommending custody for the mother.  She has a good job and a stable home and family support.  You’ve made a lot of accusations but there’s no evidence to support them.   On the other hand, we feel that you have a drinking problem and you haven’t produced any evidence to the contrary.  You won’t even accept the idea that you do have a drinking problem.”

I said, “I can’t believe you would recommend custody for her.  Haven’t you heard anything that’s been said?  Have you even taken the time to look at the file?  You haven’t talked to any of our witnesses or done anything to really investigate this.”

The social worker said, “I have done my job and I resent you saying that I haven’t.  I have met with all the parties and I feel confident with my recommendation.  It will be up to the judge to make the final decision.”

I said, “Okay, I’m going to lay it on the line.  It terrifies me to think that you would recommend custody for her.  She has never provided for these kids.  She has a drug problem.  She’s bi-polar and loves to create drama and drag everyone down with her.  Anytime she has to make a choice between what the kids need and what she wants, she does what she wants and the kids are the ones who suffer.  If you don’t feel secure with recommending custody for DS at this time, at least recommend temporary custody with me until you’ve had time to look into this further.”

The social worker said, “I don’t feel like you’re a neutral party.  You haven’t said one positive thing about her since you entered this room.  She said many positive things about you and your son and you two haven’t given her any credit at all for her accomplishments.  I believe that people can overcome their pasts and I believe that she’s ready to care for her kids.  I’m not saying the judge will give her custody but I don’t see any reason whatsoever to not recommend her to the judge.  The only “real” issue I have is with your son’s drinking.  It may or may not be a problem but I don’t have any evidence of her doing drugs, abusing the kids, or having any problems that would interfere with the kids well being that are not simply unfounded accusations.  What’s in her past is in her past.  She assures me that she is more than capable of caring for the kids.  Your son however, admits freely that he drinks and doesn’t think that’s a problem.  I do.”

So there we are.  She’s been “good” for six weeks and she’s managed to fool them.  It’s tragic.  I don’t know what to do at this point.