Sistah Pat

I was up way too late last night and I’m up way too early this morning. Didn’t get to bed until 12:30 and then had to get up at 5:00. Maybe I can come home and take a nap after my doctor’s appointment although I’m not very good at napping.

Little Sis called last night and said the doctor says things look okay. He doesn’t think he’ll need to do any more surgery but wants to keep her around a couple more days just to make sure. Poor baby, I know she wants to go home. I’d hate to be stuck in a hospital bed for 8 days.

I went to the ROTC Booster Club meeting yesterday evening at 6:00 and it didn’t end until 8:00. Stopped by the store and didn’t get home until 9:00. DH baked a turkey yesterday and I came home to a wrecked kitchen and a big turkey. Turkey’s are really cheap right now so I’ve been stocking up. I have 4 of them in the freezer. DH decided he wanted one so he set it up in the roaster oven before he went to work yesterday morning and my job was to turn it on and get it going. Ever think about how weird it is that we can have a turkey bake all day and then automatically shut off and go to warming mode when it’s done? Anyway, I came home to a wrecked kitchen and DH in bed. He has to get up at 3:30 each morning so he hits the bed early. There’s a note on the table, “I saved you some dinner.” Yeah, you saved me dinner alright…a dirty, greasy roaster oven, a pan full of green beans on the stove, a pan of corn on the stove, a pan of mashed potatoes on the stove, a pan of gravy on the stove, a pan of dressing in the oven, and a kitchen full of dirty dishes and overflowing trash. I was tempted to get his butt out of bed but it was easier to just clean it myself. After cleaning the kitchen and putting everything away, I felt like I deserved down time so I propped myself up and watched TV for a couple of hours. Just as I was getting ready to hit the bed, it dawned on me that today is Potluck day at school and I promised several people that I’d make summer rolls. Crap!

Making summer rolls is not that big a deal, broil a couple chicken breasts and slice them into strips, slice some red peppers, cucumber, carrots, romaine lettuce, cilantro, boil some rice vermicelli, and then start soaking the wrappers, filling them, and rolling them up. After I finished, I had a dirty kitchen again. Double Crap!!

Anyway, I finally hit the bed around 12:30. Now, here comes the truly icky, crappy, disgusting stuff. Those with an aversion to TMI and gross body stuff, kindly skip the next paragraph.

I’ve had a few episodes of bowel incontinence over the last year and I’ve waited almost three months for an appointment with a specialist. That’s why I had to have the colonoscopy in July but it didn’t show any problems so I’ve been referred to a specialist. Prior to the appointment, at 5:00 a.m., I had to get up to give myself an enema. OMG! The only thing worse than that would be asking someone else to do it. I mean, how could you possibly ask anyone to do that for you? I would never be able to look at DH or DS or anyone else in my life the same way and I’m sure they wouldn’t want to even think about it, much less do it. So I’m sitting here, running back and forth to the bathroom, filling out 6 (yes, SIX) pages of medical history and insurance info, and trying to get the boys ready for school so I can go to the damn doctor. Anybody got a gun?

11:00 - I now know more than any woman should ever have to know about bowels and rectums and anus muscles.  The doctor assures me that this is very common in women my age.  I told her I don’t know anyone else who has this problem and she says it’s just because they don’t talk about it.  Seems like the kiddos do a lot of damage during childbirth and we’re able to function just fine until we hit the 50s when everything goes to Hell.  She says the baby’s head pushes against the bowel during childbirth and it creates an area that’s stretched.  Then the episiotomy comes along and actually cuts muscle that shouldn’t be cut.  In the long run, it all catches up with us.  Sitting in a wheelchair for 9 months out of the last five years hasn’t helped me, either.  My problem is not severe so she suggested some home remedies but said we’ll probably wind up doing surgery at some point unless I want to continue to deal with it and I DO NOT!  Home remedies: exercise, daily doses of Imodium to actually create constipation or daily enemas.  Ewwwww!  No, thanks, it’s not that bad.  Further testing that’s too disgusting for even me to talk about (and you all know I’ll talk about anything) lies in my future.

Who the Hell said “Life begins at Fifty?”  My ankles are torn up, my back hurts, I’m getting all wrinkly, and now my damn butt doesn’t even work right.