Sistah Pat

Breakfast
Light Yogurt (70)

Today is all about changes.  I have to make some to adjust to returning to work.  I did pretty good on food yesterday but I HAVE to exercise to lose weight and I didn’t do very well in that department.

I also want to find a workout DVD that will work for me.  That means high energy but doable with a focus on upper body.  The problem is, I don’t want to spend $15.00 on a DVD, come home and try it once and find out I hate it.  Guess I can look around the internet, YouTube and SparksPeople to try to get some information.  Don’t know if I shared this in here but I told myself, if I’m down to 150 by the time we go on the cruise, I can relax, eat whatever I want during the holidays, and celebrate!   I know some people might think that’s a cop out or regression but I don’t think it is.  I’m trying to make this a lifestyle.  Not a “diet” to get to a certain weight and be “done”.  With that in mind, there are times in any lifestyle for celebration and indulgence.  In the past, I’ve always dieted to get ready for a reunion, or a vacation, or a special event.  Once the event was over, the diet was over.  Now, I’m committing to long-term changes and there have to be exceptions.  I’m thinking of all those diet articles that tell you how to “survive” the holidays and feasts by shunning all the goodies but I don’t want to do that.  I want to be healthy and fit and be able to choose when to let go.  As long as I return to healthy eating right after the event, it just makes sense.  By the way, I’m “committed” to kicking butt in the Sistah’s competition.

12:15 - Did a treadmill workout but it was problematic.  Finally decided that it was time to chuck the old, reliable Reeboks and I’ve been trying to find a new pair of shoes that will work.  I have a kazillion pairs of shoes that I’ve paid big bucks for, worn for a couple of hours around the house and been okay and then had them fail bigtime shortly afterwards.  There’s just no telling what’s going to work for my ankles and what won’t.  I’m in the process of trying to find a pair that will work.  Last week, I tried my new Reeboks and they didn’t give me much support for my ankles and caused blisters.  Today, I tried a pair of LA Gear that work fairly well on a day to day basis.  On the workout, they did a good job of supporting my ankles but I started to get blisters around 45 minutes in.  Tried to tough it out but I decided that was stupid so I quit after an hour.  Burned right at 500 calories.  Developing blisters on both heels but I think I’ll try to stick with these shoes.  I know where to put the bandaids and hope the issue will resolve itself eventually. Now, it’s off to the shower!

2:30 - I’ve been working on the upstairs.  We have a HUGE Christmas tree and the only place to store it is in the attic.  Problem is, it just barely fits in the door and goes no further.  As a result, it blocks the door and I can’t get in the attic except during the month of December.  So…things get packed and taken to the spare room upstairs where they pile up.  That room used to be my workout room but I stopped working out for several years and the boxes kept getting stacked.  Last spring, I carved out a corner and uncovered my treadmill but the entire room is like a storage bin except for the corner with my treadmill.  I know winter is coming and I’d like to have my workout room back!  I gave DH one chore for this weekend - get the Christmas tree out of the way.  I don’t care if it gets reboxed in two smaller boxes, moved out to the shed, moved out the the storage area beside the house, or thrown out.  I just want to be able to get these boxes out of my way.  I decided to bite the bullet and go through some of the boxes of clothes I have stored up there.  Some of them are really expensive items that don’t fit or have gone slightly out of style or require fancy heels to make them work.  Whatever the reason, they’re outa here!  I thought about having a yard sale or putting things in a consignment shop but I don’t want to procrastinate so I’m dealing with them today.  I sorted all my clothes that were stored up there and got rid of everything I haven’t worn in at least two years.  Some of the jackets and coats will probably fit me again in a couple months but I rationalized that if I lose the weight, I should get new clothes anyway.  Now I have four (yes, four!) huge garbage bags full of clothes that are actually too good to throw out.  I called DS and asked him to pick them up.  Stacy will probably want some things.   Whatever she doesn’t want, she can give to Goodwill.  I also have boxes of holiday stuff to go through.  I’m a big nut about Halloween and I have two or three boxes of decorations plus the stuff for Christmas and Thanksgiving.  I don’t think I’m going to get to them today but, if DH takes care of the Christmas tree, I can get them in the attic.

Still haven’t decided which workout I want but I decided to get a balance ball today.  I like doing pushups from it and I don’t know what happened to my old one.  I’m determined to get my workout room back.  That will give me plenty of room for working out, doing exercises on the ball, the treadmill and my stationary bike (which I really don’t like very much but the doctor thought would be good exercise without stressing my ankles).  I’m going to need my boom box back up there and a TV with a DVD player.  Right now, I’m off to Walmart to get a balance ball.

6:00 - Got a balance ball with DVD and two other DVDs (The Firm Cardio Dance Fusion and Denise Austin Yoga Body Burn).  Sorry, chickies, the selection wasn’t that great.  Still, they were cheap and I might like them.  Also bought lots of Tilapia and bay scallops.  I’m actually getting to the point where I might like the tilapia.  I don’t like Walmart’s meat at all but this is frozen so it might be okay.  I also got frozen turkey breast.  I’ll be glad when the holidays roll around and I can pick up some cheap turkey!  Let’s see…what else did I get?  Oh yeah, I picked up some good high fiber bread.  I’m trying to get more fiber in my diet and I’m not sure that low cal stuff has it even though it says it does.  Still, it’s really hard for me to eat a piece of bread that has 100 calories when the low cal stuff only has 35.  It better be damn good bread!

I love Hoppin John soup and it has to be healthy because of all the good stuff in it but I never actually did a calorie count.  I just estimated it.  I’m going to fix a pot for dinner and keep track of the calories of everything that goes in it, measure out the entire pot, and then see how many calories are actually in a bowl of it.  What a pain…

6:45 - 120 calories per cup.  Not bad.  I was afraid it was going to be a lot more because the black-eyed peas and beef had so many calories but the rest of the ingredients didn’t have too many and it made 22 cups so it came in under the wire.  Know what’s really not fair?  DH knew I was fixing soup for dinner so he got a pan of frozen yeast rolls out of the freezer and set them in the oven while I was at K-Mart.  They’ve now risen nice and high and he’s got them baking in the oven.  That is soooo not fair!

7:30 - HA!  No problem with the rolls.  He stuffed them with pepperoni and cheese.  That killed it right there.  I don’t eat sausage and pepperoni falls under the sausage heading.  I was really disappointed with my sandwich however.  I just couldn’t bring myself to spend 200 calories on bread so I used one slice and cut it in half.  Made a sandwich with Healthy Choice sliced beef, fat-free swiss and dijon mustard.  The beef was bland and gristly.  I don’t eat that crap!  Took about three bites and remembered my vow to myself that I don’t make myself eat anything that’s not healthy and not good so I tossed it.  My soup was good, though!  Now I’m going to go inflate my new balance ball and see if DH will let me play dodge ball with him and he can be IT!!!

Breakfast
Low fat yogurt (70)

Dinner
3 cups Hoppin John soup (320)
1/2 sandwich (100)
grapes (50)

Later:
1 cup Hoppin John (120)
grapes (50)

Total 710

Alrighty then, Sistahs!  You better get out of my way cause I’m off to a brand new day!  Didn’t feel that great when I got up cause I stayed up too late (only got 5 hours sleep) but a cup of coffee and a few minutes in the spa has me ready to hit the shower and scales!

6:45 - My scales which were exactly the same as the ones at the hospital last month show me at 173.5 this morning.  I’m dressed and staring at this “sculpture” the Sistahs made of me lifting weights (Were we drinking before or after we made these?) and I can tell it was sculpted with love and friendship and a total lack of talent!  So inspiring!

8:16 - Continental Breakfast at school!  Kudos to me for only eating 1/4 of a bagle with low fat cream cheese and some watermelon and pineapple. 

1:50 - Finally taking a minute for lunch.  The vultures are after me but I’m hanging tough!  Got invited to lunch by a half a dozen people but I told them I brought a Lean Cuisine.  Had a meeting with the new principal and she offered me half a chicken salad sandwich on coissant but I declined.  Went back to the library and found that there were tons of doughnuts left but I walked right by.  Stayed strong when Barbara, the librarian, actually carried them over to my desk and offered them.  Ate my Lean Cuisine and some more fresh fruit (watermelon and cantelope).  Another hour and I’ll be out of here!

4:20 - Well, Pooh!  I tried to workout and can’t.  Why is it that everyone waits till I have my purse on my shoulder and I’m ready to walk out the door and then they all show up wanting help?  I didn’t know what time we were supposed to start today so I got there at 7:15.  I should have left at 2:15 but we don’t officially get off till 2:30 so I wasn’t really pleased about everyone showing up at 2:25, 2:30, 2:45, 3:00, etc. etc.  Anyway, I slapped a smile on my face and started taking care of business.  Didn’t get out of the building until 3:15 and I drove home, changed clothes, and headed up to the treadmill.  Opened the door and it was hot as blazes up there.  I went ahead and turned on the fan and started walking and realized that I was NOT energized but was definitely already worn out.  Still, I wanted to get in at least an hour.  After 15 minutes, my ankle was really hurting and my enthusiasm was in the toilet so I decided it would be a good idea to quit.  I’ll get a good workout in the morning but I guess I’m going to have to make some adjustments to my schedule.  I really don’t want to get up earlier than I already do but somethings going to have to give.

I’m fixing sliced tomatoes, grilled tilapia filets, and collard greens for dinner with a salad.  Guess I’d better get to it!

Breakfast:
1/4 bagel (100?)
1 T reduced fat cream cheese (50)
1 cup fruit (75)

Lunch
Lean Cuisine Chicken Entree (180)
Watermelon and Cantelope (50)

Dinner:
Healthy but I don’t know how many calories. I’ll give it my best guess.
Tilapia filet (250)
Sauteed zucchini, yellow squash, onions in olive oil with shredded asiago and parmesan (300)
sliced tomatoes (50)
collard greens (50)

Snacks:
2 Shwann’s fudgesicles (90)

Total (1,195)

Geez, it’s still dark outside and I’ve been up for 30 minutes.  Why do we have to start work so early?  I’ve always wondered about that.  Why are we rolling kids out of bed before dawn?  Some kind of throw-back to farming, I suppose.  Give me a couple weeks and I’ll be back in the routine.  Gonna wear pants and tight undies today.  That ought to take care of things.  I wonder if they make panty suspenders?  Cute, little, lacy things like garters.  If anyone says, “Pat!  You’ve lost weight!”,  I can say, “You betcha!  My panties fall off now!”

Scales are still showing 173.5 and I don’t see how I’m going to get to exercise today.  I’ll be at work from 7:30 to 3:00 and then have dinner at Sistah Pam’s at 5:30.  Should be fun.  I always enjoy getting together with the girls although there’s a little dissension within the group right now.  Still haven’t heard from “evil” Pam, which just blows me away.  I don’t know what’s going on with her!

4:00 - Finally got home from work.  Didn’t seem to get much accomplished today.  Too much turmoil.  Everyone running around putting up bulletin boards and unpacking supplies and books.  Went out for lunch with good friend Barbara and had some delish Applebees diet stuff.  I’m supposed to be at Sistah Pam’s for dinner in an hour and a half so I don’t have time to workout.  I thought about it.  Figured I could get at least an hour on the treadmill but then I thought about being all hot and sweaty and having to take a shower and change clothes and redo hair and makeup and decided it wasn’t worth it.

 This month’s meeting of the Sistah’s is supposed to focus on a renewal of our enthusiasm.  We’re all kind of in a rut and need to make some plans/goals to get us through the next couple of months.  I’m probably the most dedicated of the bunch and you guys know how I’ve been drifting for the last three weeks or so.  I need to refocus and get back on track.  Just like today…I’m not getting my exercise.  True, I don’t have time but I would have made time last spring.  Even if it meant not getting enough sleep or going to Pam’s in spandex and tee shirt.  I’m actually feeling pretty good about things the last couple of days after giving myself a pep talk so I’m probably more motivated than the others at the moment but I could still use some new inspiration.

9:30 - Enjoyed dinner with the Sistahs!  Pam fixed us grilled chicken breast, corn on the cobb, fresh veggies with whole wheat penne pasta, and strawberries with fat free angel food cake.  We ate dinner and then drank wine and talked about what we wanted to work on.  Pam wants to try to stop eating around bedtime, Jana wants to get more walking in, and I want to work on upper body.  To inspire us, Pam had bought some silly putty and we made scultures for each other as reminders/motivators.  It probably wasn’t a wise idea but we weighed after being at work all day and eating Pam’s wonderful dinner so we could have a baseline weight.  I showed 177.5  (I’m protesting but that’s what her scales show).  After the weigh-in, we headed out to Pam’s new sun room and smoked cigars and came up with a competition.  We decided to ante up $15.00 each at our monthly dinners but the one who has lost the largest percentage of weight will only have to pay $10.00.  In December, the person who’s lost the largest percentage of weight will win the pot.  I love these girls dearly but I’m going to wipe up the floor with them!  Already planning on using the money for a massage and spa treatment on the cruise. These little chickies have no idea how competitive I can be!

Lunch:
Applebee’s onion soup au gratin (150)
Half an Applebees grilled chili chicken salad (200)

Dinner
Corn on the Cobb (100)
Grilled Chicken Breast (200)
Fresh vegetables with whole wheat penne pasta (400)
Angel food cake (150)
Strawberries (50)

3 glasses red wine (300)

Total (1,550)

Lunch:
Healthy Choice Lemon Pepper Fish Dinner (310)

Dinner:
Big Salad with grilled chicken breast (500)

Snack:
Kashi Go Lean with Soy Milk (350)

Total 1,160

I feel SO much better this morning!  Slept in my own bed with my own pillow, my own blanky, and my very own DH.  DH always says I’m like the Princess and the Pea story.  I’m very picky about my bedding.  I buy very expensive, high quality sheets (absolute minimum 600 thread count) but light, inexpensive flannel blankets.  I can’t stand thick, heavy blankets.  I sleep on contoured memory foam pillows and I like the sheets tucked in at the bottom of the bed only.  Usually, when I wake up, you can barely tell I’ve been in the bed.  The sheets are smooth and unruffled.  DH, on the other hand, always has three or four pillows on his side, the sheets are ripped out of the bottom of the bed and the blanket is all bunched up.  I was exhausted last night and slept like a rock.  Woke up refreshed, renewed, and full of optimism!

I can work one day this week setting up my room for an extra day’s pay.  Could have gone today but I decided to let this be a day of rest and planning.  I’ll do it tomorrow and start back to work Friday.  Giving myself to Monday to be in the 160s.  Haven’t weighed myself this morning.  Afraid to look after yesterday’s fiasco.  I think it’s safe to assume I’m going to be spending a lot of time on the treadmill over the next couple of days. 

Don’t know what the new year will hold.  I’ve met the new principal and actually cut up a little bit with her at the retreat but we still haven’t sat down for a heart-to-heart about my role in the school.  Half my salary comes from a grant aimed at incorporating new technologies in education.  My job is to help students and teachers utilize the internet and computer applications.  I don’t teach classes but am free to work with teachers in their classrooms, roam the halls and “drop in” to classes to offer suggestions about new and better ways to address learning, and develop lessons utilizing technology to share with teachers.  Each year that I’ve been in this position, the job has changed and evolved to meet the needs of the school.  A lot of times, I’ve found myself in the role of “fix-it” girl and I get called all the time to drop everything and go to a classroom to assist a teacher when problems come up.  I found out (at the retreat) that I will probably be teaching three classes this year.  Although that’s not really my role at the school, I don’t have a problem with it except for how it’s going to affect my resourcing.  You can be a resource at the school or you can be a teacher in the classroom.  It’s hard to imagine juggling both roles.  In the long run, it’s all about the kids and what’s best for them.  The only problem I have is that I have to attend frequent training sessions and be available to all teachers.  Being tied down at school with classes everyday is going to mean I have to talk to the new principal and find out how she wants me to handle the resourcing.  Obviously, I can’t walk out of the classroom when someone needs help with something and planning lessons and curriculum for my own students means I won’t have a lot of time to assist other teachers with planning.   As of right now, students return on Tuesday and I still don’t even know what classes they want me to teach.  It would be nice to start planning some lessons!  It’s going to be interesting…

Tomorrow evening, I’m going to Sistah Pam’s for dinner.  I have two girlfriend Pams.  I have Pam, owner of gallery, married to Rick (attorney), lives way out in the boonies, animal lover, friend for 30 years (currently on my sh8t list..) and then I have Sistah Pam, colleague, friend for a couple years, work-out and dieting buddy and invaluable outlet for venting frustrations!  Sistah Pam just had a new sunroom built this summer and total kitchen remodel.  She invited all the BUTT Sistahs for dinner tomorrow night to ooohh and ahhh and envy her new kitchen and sun room!  I’m back on the straight and narrow as of today but I’m hoping an evening with my Sistahs will help me stay on the straight and narrow.

10:00 - eeeeekkkk!  Just weighed myself.  173.5!  No time to blog, I’m off to the treadmill!

12:45 - Finished a really challenging workout.  Did the 3 more miles workout but upped the speed.  Kept it at 3.5 mph for most of the time, bumping it down to 3.4 or 3.2 for the higher inclines.  Went 5.6 miles and burned 860 calories.  I felt really good during the workout and wanted to push the envelope but my ankle caused a lot of problems.  It bothered me from the very beginning and was annoying the entire time.  I had to use the rails quite a bit to relieve the pain on my ankle and that made my wrists hurt.  Damnit!  Keep in mind, this is the left ankle that I messed up from years of jogging/aerobics/living and a little bit of genetics thrown in and I haven’t had surgery on it.  The one that’s been operated on 5 times is doing great.  It didn’t hurt at all.  The doctor says my jogging days are over but I just don’t want to accept that.  On the one hand, you have the “learn to live within your limitations” people and on the other hand you have the “sky’s the limit” people.  I want to be a “sky” person - always pushing the envelope a little bit.  I know I have to have surgery on the left ankle but I’m just going to walk around for a couple more years with my fingers in my ears chanting “la, la, la, la, la” so I don’t have to think about it.

3:00 - ASKING FOR SUGGESTIONS, PLEASE!  Okay, I should probably change R&R from rest and relaxation to Regroup and Refocus.  Sistah Pam brought to my attention that I did so well before and during vacation because I had a goal.  I was going to hike Lower Calf Creek Falls.  Since then, I’ve kind of been unfocused and drifting.  I have a new goal in mind but I’m looking for suggestions for a good workout DVD or program.  I’m doing well on the treadmill but that isn’t doing anything to help me work on my upper body or build up my strength.  Seems like so many of you fine ladies are doing the CRB workout or the DMR workout or the WTHIT (what the Hell is that?) workout (Hey!  That could also be the WithIt workout!)  Anyway, I’m so out of the loop that I don’t know what all those things are.  Anyone have any suggestions for a new workout?  Something I can do here at home?  I have a gym membership but don’t get over there too much unless Sistah Pam and I meet to workout.

6:30 - OMG!  I need a keeper.  They shouldn’t even let me out in public!  Had to go to the store and I looked like crap so I combed my hair and put on a light little sundress.  Every time I go to Kroger, it’s like a reunion with a dozen people I haven’t seen in ages.  I’ve learned that running up to the store looking like crap is guaranteed to bring old acquaintances out in droves so I try to be prepared.

Anyway, I’m browsing in the canned goods and I bend over to reach down to the lower shelf and my panties decide to take a hike.  They just slipped right over my hips and started heading right on down the legs.  I jumped up real quick, clamped my thighs together and grabbed the back of my dress and panties to keep them from going any further.  I tried to nonchalantly pull them up but they weren’t going anywhere without major effort so I started taking itty bitty steps toward the restrooms.  Got in the restroom and pulled them up real good and breathed a sigh of relief.  Soon as I got back down to the end of the aisle, it happened again!  I was close to the checkout so I just mosied on over and checked out and sloooowwwly walked out the door to my car.  Got in the car and wiggled the damn things off and drove home.  I guess I could have just taken them off and finished shopping but I didn’t think of that.  God, it’s a wonder I make it through the day.

If ever there was an incentive for healthy living, it’s right now, today, the way I feel.  Didn’t know if I was going to make it home without stopping somewhere at a rest area and throwing up.  We’re talking BIGTIME indigestion and reflux.  I can’t eat this crap anymore.

I didn’t sleep well last night.  The rooms at the  Marriott Griffin Gate are beautiful to look at but not that great for sleeping.  Six pillows on the bed and two bolsters and I couldn’t find one that worked.  It was so crowded I felt like there were a half dozen people in the bed (I checked…it was just me).  Three of them were big fat pillows that no one could possible sleep on and three more were too soft.  The bolsters were..well, bolsters.  I finally tossed them all over the side except one of the too soft, mushy ones.  The coverlet had to go right off the bat but the down comforter felt like a cloud… until I woke up burning up.  I turned the air conditioning down and  tossed the comforter aside and woke up a little while later freezing so I pulled it back over me.  Woke up again, too hot so I tossed the comforter and turned the air up to 70 degrees.  Never did really get comfy.  Add the nightly three or four trips to the bathroom to pee and it all adds up to a restless night.  The alarm went off at 6:00 and it was a particularly annoying alarm.  It started out soft and rapidly got louder and louder till it sounded like a smoke alarm or something.  I finally found the snooze button and hit it and it only gave me another five minutes.  Who ever heard of a snooze button that only gives you five minutes?  After 10 minutes, I gave up and rolled out of bed.

Went down to breakfast but it was all gone.  Really!  The guys at our school are notorious for eating!  We can order food for 150 and only have 75 teachers and it’s all gone before everybody’s eaten.  I wasn’t happy but I normally don’t eat breakfast anyway so I headed down to the conference room where we were meeting.  For some unknown reason, knowing that I was cheated out of breakfast made me really hungry!  Not a problem, because there was still lots of cake left from last night.  I had a slice of lemon crunch cake and coffee for breakfast.  Not the kind of thing I’d normally eat and I don’t know why I did.  I immediately started getting a little indigestion.  Not a lot but enough to know about it.  Lunchtime came and we had sandwiches, potato chips, and cookies.  Why on earth would you eat sandwiches, chips, and cookies when you already have indigestion?  Because it’s there!  That’s why!  Because it’s lunchtime and we all break for lunch and go down by the pool to eat.  Because I follow the herd right on over the cliff like all the other cows!  That’s why!

The afternoon was the best part of the retreat.  One of the APs geared us all up with a few sob stories about some of our kids and heartbreaking videos of some of the hardships they face and we’re all ready to save the world and take em all home with us.  I’m touched.  I’m inspired!  I’m ready to start a new school year but I can’t wait to get out of the room because I’m sick from eating all the crap!  The minute we were done, I was first out the door and peeled out of the parking lot heading for home!

Walked in the door and hit the medicine cabinet and dug out indigestion pills!  I can’t eat this crap anymore.  I’ve been eating healthy for so long my digestive system can’t handle an assault like this.  I think I’m going to bring this up next year.  There’s really no reason that we should have to eat this kind of junk food or go to a restaurant and have to foot the bill.  Maybe spend a little bit less on the accommodations and a little more on the food.  We have lots of teachers on the staff who are vegans, diabetic, or dieting.  Why are we being served this kind of food? 

Soon as I got home, DH told me he missed me, gave me a big hug and kiss, and asked what’s for dinner.  Don’t know about him, but I’m dining on Maalox.

Ahhh, Teacher, Teacher… 

I was okay at breakfast.  Got here and the “Continental Breakfast” was nothing more than doughnuts and pastries.  Not a piece of fruit or a bagel in sight.  Did okay, stayed strong, had a cup of black coffee.

Lunch was a little bit more problematic.  Sandwiches, potato chips, fresh fruit, and cookies.  I got a sandwich and some fruit.  Passed up the chips and cookies and sat down with some of my amigos to catch up on who got married and who had a baby and who’s seeing who.  We’re just talking and cutting up and fooling around and someone goes and gets a plate with a dozen or so cookies on it and brings it back to the table and the next thing I know, I’m munching on one and it’s good!!  So I had another…and another….So I still haven’t totally lost it.  I mean, a sandwich, some fruit and three cookies isn’t exactly kamikazi. 

Phyllisanne and I decided to go to Kohl’s after we finished working at 3:30 but then she got “summoned” to a meeting with the new principal and had to bail out on me.  I didn’t feel like playing tennis or golf or swimming (like I’d be caught dead in a bathing suit around all these guys) so I went without her.  Got lost but I wasn’t worried about it.  The old GPS can always get me back on track.  I found a mall and did a little shopping and they had a food court.  I bought a greek salad, and chicken kabobs with rice.  I came back to the hotel and called Phyllisanne and asked her if she wanted to come to my room and eat dinner and she did.  Ate the salad and the chicken (which was actually really bland) and skipped the rice.  We’re sitting there chatting and relaxing and eating and I fully intended to say “See ya in the morning!” and curl up with a paperback.  Phyllisanne, however, brought a bunch of cake and refreshments for the evening entertainment and asked me to help her carry it down.  So I did.  Then she roped me into doing a little karaoke with her.  So I did.  Then she started dealing cards for poker and the next thing I knew, I had a big, ole stack of chips and a slice of scrumptious chocolate cake on the table in front of me.  The cake was good but there weren’t any cokes, or milk, or anything to wash it down so Phylissanne went and got us some margaritas and charged them to her room.  Is there anything worse than a bunch of ’slightly’ loopy teachers line dancing, and singing karaoke?  Oh wait, I know what’s worse…It’s a bunch of assistant principals (very Jack Blackish) shaking booties and singing
“I’m too sexy for my clothes, too sexy for my clothes,
‘Cos I’m a model, you know what I mean
and I do my little turn on the catwalk (complete with prancing and sucked in cheeks)
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little tush on the catwalk
and we’ve got AP tushes shaking and pelvic thrusts prancing  and it’s time to call it a night.

Maybe that’s the only difference between the teachers and the kids…we know when to call it a night.

G’night, skinny little chicklets!

I’ve got to get back to my routine today.  On second thought, there really ain’t no way to do that today.  Rick and Pam are coming over and I’ve got to get ready to go to the retreat tomorrow.

I’ve been looking at cruises this morning (morning?  HA!  I didn’t get up till 9:30!) and I should have known the prices would be higher for the dates we need.  Anything around Christmas or New Year’s and the price doubles.  Can’t wait till I can retire and go anytime I want!  Last minute/Can you leave tomorrow cruise for $250, Christmas Break cruise for $750.  May have to give up on that one.

Planned Ginger Grilled Pork Loin, Lite Potato Salad, Fresh Corn on the Cobb, Watermelon, and Fat-free, Sugar-Free Chocolate Ice Cream with Granola Topping for dessert.  Ever notice how I automatically switch to caps when I start talking about food?  Lay it out like it’s the daily special on a restaurant menu.  Guess that says something about how food figures in my life.

Weighed in at 171.5 this morning.  I know I’ve been negligent about posting my menu and exercise but I’ve been doing okay.  Nothing to brag about.  No treadmill or formalized menu the last few days but lots of exercise in the garden and fairly healthy eating.  Of course, that may go to Hell at the retreat.  I have to be in Lexington no later than 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.  That means I’ll have to leave home no later than 6:30 which means I’ll have to roll out of bed by 5:30.  Yikes!  I didn’t even go to bed last night (this morning?) till 2:30 a.m.  Can’t do that tonight.  Right off the bat, the agenda says we’ll have a “Continental Breakfast”.  Why do they do that?  Why not just say “Doughnuts!  Come and git yur fresh doughnuts!  Custard Filled!  Chocolate Iced!  Fried Croissants!  Danish Pastries!  Come and git em!”  (Well, Patty, why not just say “NO!“) 

Lots to do, gotta get the pork loin marinating.  Should have done that early this morning but I was snoozing!

6:30 - Found a possible cruise.  Five nights, departs out of Mobile, Alabama on December 20th and returns December 25th.  Goes to Progreso, Mexico and Cozumel, Mexico.  Not much of a trip but the boys won’t mind.  We took them to the Bahamas last time and they loved it so this will be something different.  Of course, for them, it’s not about the ports anyway.  It’s about the cruise itself so it doesn’t matter too much where we go.  The price isn’t terrible but it’s still higher because of the holidays.  About $450 per person.   Mobile is only a 9 hour drive from here and then, when we return from the cruise, it’s only another 4 hours to our place in Florida.  If the price is double, I’ll just have to make sure we eat twice as much to get our money’s worth. 

Speaking of eating twice as much, Rick and Pam did not show up and I have 16 slices of marinated pork loin fresh off the grill, boucoup bunches of lite potato salad, a whole watermelon, and ten ears of corn.  Anybody hungry?  I’m fairly pissed and that’s putting it mildly.  We’ve known Rick and Pam for 30 years so I know what’s going on.  They didn’t feel like driving in town today so they didn’t.  Pam will probably call me in the next day or two and say, “OMG!  Were we supposed to come over last weekend?”  Yeah, Pam, you were.  That’s why I called you on the home phone yesterday morning and left a message for you to call me.  That’s why I called you two hours later and left a message on your cell for you to call.  That’s why I called your home phone again this morning and hung up when you didn’t answer.  I know you have caller ID!  I can just visualize it:

Scene:  Pam sitting around in bathrobe with cup of coffee in right hand and fat kitty cat curled up on her lap. 

(phone rings)

Pam: “Oh crap!  It’s Patty.  Don’t answer it!

Rick:  “There’s a message from her asking you to call.  What’s going on?  Aren’t we supposed to get together with them this weekend?”

Pam (pouring cream in bowl for fat cat):  “Yeah, yeah, I know.  We’re supposed to go to their house for dinner today or tomorrow.  That’s probably what she’s calling about.  I don’t want to make that long drive, do you?”

Rick:  “Why don’t you just see if they want to come over here?”

Pam:  “They came over here last weekend and I promised her we’d go to their house this weekend.”

Rick: “Well, just call them and tell them we don’t feel like driving in town.”

Pam: “I did that the last three times we were supposed to go to their house.  She already asked me if there was a problem because we keep cancelling everytime we’re supposed to go to their place.”

Rick: “Well if you don’t want to go,  just call them in a couple of days and tell them we forgot.  Apologize and invite them over here next weekend.  Tell her you didn’t check your cell until Monday and we must have been outside when she called on the home phone.”

Pam: “Yeah, I think that’s what I’ll do.  I’ll see if they want to come out and spend the weekend.”

When you’ve been close friends for 30 years, a casual relationship develops where it’s alright to say, “I know we had plans today but I really, truly just don’t feel like going out.  Do you mind if we do it another day?”  She’s done it to me and I’ve done it to her.  What’s causing the problem right now is that they want to get together with us but they don’t want to make the effort to drive all the way over here.  I understand.  I get it.  The drive is a big pain in the butt!  I know it is because we always have to make it!  The problem is that it appears that apparently, they don’t want to spend time with us bad enough to make the trip and I’m soooooo done with that.  She can call me a dozen times and invite us over and I’m not doing it.  You want to see us?  You come to me.

Gotta go now, I’ve got to eat a LOT of pork loin and watermelon.

8:45 - Booked the cruise.  Little sister booked a room for herself, too!

My, oh my!  You guys are the greatest.  Thanks for all the understanding during my day-long rant yesterday.  If you hadn’t guessed it, yesterday was the 12th anniversary of Laura’s death and it’s a difficult day, even after all these years.  Do you know what Resurrection Lilies are?  Some people call them Magic Lilies or naked ladies.  They pop up in the early spring as a clumb of leaves and then die down and disappear.  At the end of July, they re-emerge as a single stalk that pops out of the ground and shoots up to a height of about three feet within just a week or so.  At the top of the stalk, five pastel pink lilies bloom.  I was in my garden, cutting Resurrection Lilies for a flower arrangement when I got the news about Laura.  Her death was entirely unexpected.  She was handicapped and required a lot of care but we were not prepared to lose her.  Every year, when my lilies start to emerge, it all comes back to me.  I suppose we all have to deal with grief in our own way but I have such powerful feelings when those lilies start to bloom.  I want to pull all my loved ones close and treasure them. 

DIL called yesterday and said she just couldn’t deal with anything and wanted me to keep Holly.  That’s one of the things that set me off.  She has three beautiful children and she ignores them and chooses to mourn the one she lost so many years ago.  It’s all I can do to keep from shaking her.  I’m going to close the book on this chapter now and let it go.  You are such kind and supportive friends and I truly appreciate all of you.  I didn’t mean to burden you with all this but writing has always been excellent therapy for me.  I wrote when my grandmother died, I wrote when my father died, and I wrote when Laura died. It helps me to lay it all out and then read it and sometimes I gain some real insight into what’s going on behind the scenes.  (Aha!  Maybe I should do this to try to figure out why I’m fat!!!!)  Before I let go, let me say just one more thing…I am a very happy woman!  I have a family that I love with all my heart and I’m so fortunate to have them.  I have a job I love and many, many good friends who enrich my life and I usually find joy and entertainment in everyday situations.  It’s not like me to get down in the dumps and it doesn’t happen too often.

When I was at Hobby Lobby yesterday, they had flip flops on clearance for $.75 so I bought ten pair in assorted colors.  I got some flip-flop glue and some trim and Holly and I decorated flip flops all evening.  She was so funny!  I’m lining up beads and trim just ’so-so’ on mine and she’s glueing like a maniac with no regard to any kind of color coordination or overall style and loving every minute of it.  She made flip flops for herself, her mother, her best friend, and me.  I can see myself walking down the street, chatting with the neighbors, with beads and ribbon and all kinds of crap falling off my flip flops.  (”Ummm, Patty, where did you get those shoes?  They’re……….nice….. (cough, cough).”

After we decorated flip flops, We went out and sat in the spa and watched the bats swoop down from the sky and touch down on the surface of the pool just long enough to skim the surface.  I guess they’re getting a drink?  They pass over every evening just at dusk.  I imagine, somewhere down the road, there must be a big old house with an attic full of bats.

Finished with the spa, we came in and I gave Holly a manicure and pedicure (gotta have those toes glistening with fresh polish to enhance the flip-flop look!) and then we went out and curled up in the bedroom in the RV.  I think all the grandkiddies think of the RV as their own private playhouse.  Holly was on her best behavior all evening and was so sweet and eager to please.  Of course, she’s always that way if I can give her my undivided attention because that’s what she wants and needs.

DH and I have been talking this morning.  It’s been a long time since we went to our place in Florida  (spring break, as a matter of fact), and the grass is probably chest high.  I really enjoy going to our little cabin in the woods and we were discussing when we can get down there.  Cripes!  It looks like it’s going to be Thanksgiving!  I wanted to go down by myself and cut the grass before school started back but DH wasn’t comfy with me going by myself.  We always spend a couple of weeks down there for Christmas and he suggested this morning that we plan a cruise as a Christmas present for the boys.  We took them on a cruise a couple of years ago and they loved it!  Sounds good to me!

I need to clean house all day, get the rest of the plants in the garden and work on laundry.  I don’t think we set an actual day to get together with Rick and Pam this weekend so I’m going to call and make sure we can do it tomorrow.  Right now, I’ve gotta get to work!

7:00 - Drumroll, please!  Can I get a “Hoo Rah!”  All the plants are in the ground!  Or the pots!  The pool is clean!  The spa is clean!  Sistah Pat is dirty!  Downright gross, actually…I’m running a bath and I’m going to scrub up.  DH has hamburgers on the grill.  He knows I won’t eat them so he didn’t even ask.  Funny thing is…I would have taken one.  Haven’t eaten all day and I’m getting pretty hungry.  Now, for that bath!

9:15 - I have been sanitized for your protection!  I have a white paper banner stretched across my chest to prove it!  DH, (he does have his moments) grilled a boneless, skinless chicken breast for me while I was soaking in the tub and had it ready when I emerged, complete with a side of fresh watermelon and a Clementine tangerine (courtesy of my good friend, Sistah Pam).  Now, I can play around and look for a cruise.  We’re probably going to take the boys and go on one when we go to Florida over Christmas.  Talked to my mother today and asked her if she’d like to go down with us over Thanksgiving.  She went last year and said she loved it.  I love it but I don’t expect anyone else to.  I love it down there for reasons that are not obvious to all but Mom assures me she really wants to go.  We bought a little over 9 acres in Florida about 8 years ago.  It a rural piece of property.  Madison is the closest town and it’s 12 miles although there are a couple of gas station/convenience stores about 5 miles away.  It’s heavily wooded and very private.  When we bought it, we hired a guy to bring in a backhoe and clear a path for us to be able to pull the old RV onto the property and clear an area of about a half acre.  Next came the electric, and finally, a well.  Over the next couple of years, we went down every chance we got and cleared more of it.  The plan is to build a little tiny retirement home.  I have no intention of doing lots of work after I retire so I wanted a place that was little but very luxurious.  We got to talking about how we would handle it when guests came to visit and decided to build two small cabins for them.  That way, when the kids or grandkids come to visit, we can say, “You’re staying in the cabin up there on the hill.  It’s all ready for you.  Enjoy!  We’ll see you tomorrow!  Oh, yeah, don’t forget to clean it when you leave!” 

Eventually, we got tired of driving the old RV down there and just left it.  We’d go down every chance we got, stay in the RV and continue working.  Over the years, we’ve cleared as much as we’re going to and have about 4 acres of untamed woods left and the rest has been “tamed”.  DH and I, with the help of a couple friends, built the first cabin.  (Yes, chickies, I can do roofing, drywall, ceramic tile and decking.  I even have my own personal hammer which I spray painted pink so none of the guys will use it.)   The first cabin has a very large upstairs with a half bath.  It has a king size bed with a down comforter.  The entire back wall is windows so we have a lovely view of the woods and the deer eating my fruit trees.  The downstairs has one big room, a bathroom with a shower and a small kitchen.  The upstairs is done but the downstairs still needs the ceramic tile floor done, and work on the kitchen and bath.  We have TOTAL privacy and most days we don’t see anyone.  We only have a little over 9 acres but most of our neighbors have 70 or 80 acres so everyone has plenty of room.  On one of our visits to Hawaii, we stayed at a little house that had a clawfoot tub in a flower garden for bathing.  It had a tankless hot water heater and you could run hot water all day long and never run out.  I decided I wanted one for the cabins.  We found a pretty nice old clawfoot tub and I refinished it, DH built a nice deck and shower around it and I surrounded it with trees, plants, and flowers.  I covered the overflow valve and now we can lie out there under the stars and take long hot soaks with a never-ending supply of hot water.  I just turn it on and let it run over the sides and into the flower gardens.  I love going down there.  The sky is always what we refer to as “Madison Blue”.  I have a huge hammock that we run between two live oak trees and I could lie there all day.  Nightime is so quiet and we go to sleep to the sound of crickets and a view of the moon with all the windows open and wake up to a beautiful sunrise. 

Our neighbors are wonderful people!  They always respect our privacy and are super friendly without being overbearing.  Everytime we go to Madison, my stress level decreases exponentially.  Don’t get me wrong, we work hard down there, but it’s a labor of love.  Laura Engall’s had her little house on the prairie and I have my little cabin in the woods.  All this dieting and exercise getting to you, Chicklets?  The key is under the birdhouse on the front porch.  Don’t forget to turn out the lights when you leave.

Had to get up at 7:45 so I can be at the good doctor’s office at 9:30 for my post op visit.  Hopefully, he’ll get these two little stitches out and I can get it wet again!  Don’t know if I remember how to do dishes with two hands.  I’ve gotten quite good at holding a dish against the side of the sink with my thumb and forefinger of the left hand and scrubbing with the right.  Isn’t there some show, America’s Most Talented, or something?

Yesterday was a wake-up call.  I’m losing eight hours of my day when I go back to work and I’ve got to make some changes.  I don’t like not being in control of my what and when.  Wish I was independently wealthy but I guess it’s a little late for that.  Don’t know of any long lost relatives waiting to shower me with money and I missed my opportunity in Vegas.  I’m going to have to use this weekend to get more organized so I can keep from freaking out when I find my free time whittled down from 17 hours a day to more like six.  I forgot how much time the boys need when school starts.  Don’t get me wrong.  I may whine about having to do stuff for them but that’s just because they won’t get the help they need from anywhere else.  They’re 17 year old twins and they’re so damn good!  They’re both ECE with special learning needs and they’re very immature.  They’re not into girls, or cars, or most of the stuff other boys their age enjoy.  They don’t even have many friends.  They’re just very quiet and shy and so sweet!  I’m not just saying that because they’re my grandkids.  That’s just the way they are and they need a lot of help with school and social situations.  They’re more like a couple of shy 12 year olds.  They weren’t getting what they needed until they came to live with us and we try to do what we can for them.  That means lots of help with school and motivation.  I should never complain about them.  They’re truly sweethearts.

Okay, gotta hit the shower and go to the doctor’s office.

Back from the doctor’s office.  Got my stitches removed and I can get in the pool!  I went shopping after visiting Doc so it’s getting too late to do the treadmill.  I do need to clean the pool, however, before Rick and Pam come over tomorrow so I’ll probably clean it up and then jog this evening.

Shopping was totally boring!  Pam’s birthday is Tuesday and I wanted to get her something to give tomorrow.  She and I share some things in common.  One of which is a love for bright colors.  I got a hand-painted toucan in Mexico and I wish I’d gotten one for her.  It’s bright and whimsical and it’s hanging in my kitchen.  With that in mind, I went shopping for something really colorful for her kitchen.  Leaving the doctor’s office, I was right next to the expressway so I thought I’d jump on it real quick and go to Pier One.  I was so disappointed.  They didn’t have anything like what I was looking for.  So, I figured I’d jump back on the expressway and go a little bit further up the road to Garden Ridge.  Garden Ridge used to have all kinds of cool kitchen ware.  Bright mexican colors and jalapeno pepper platters and pitchers and I had to look around to make sure I was in the right place.  They ought to rename it the Halloween/Christmas/Silk Flower Store because that’s about all they carry now.  The place was so boring I wanted to curl up in the aisle and take a nap.  Left there and started heading back in this direction toward TJ Max which usually has some cool stuff.  Not today…Heading home, I had to pass a Hobby Lobby so I went in and still couldn’t find what I wanted.  Finally made the big loop and wound up back where I started after wasting almost 3 hours and a lot of gas.  Think I’m going to try Kohl’s this evening.  I never did make it over there to pick up my favorite perfume and they have a pretty nice kitchen department.

About the twins…I feel the need to explain further.  They were so cute and full of energy when they were babies and were the joy of our lives!  When they were about  three years old, they were joined by a little sister.  Due to complications, she was born severely handicapped and required constant care. 

DH and I kept the twins a lot because DS and DIL only had so much time and it was mostly devoted to caring for Laura.  The boys were, of necessity, having to take a backseat to the more pressing needs of their little sister. 

Laura lived for two years and passed away and it was devastating for all of us.  DH and DIL could barely cope with getting up in the morning and the boys still weren’t getting all the attention they needed.  They were in kindergarten and they seemed to be having a little trouble but I attributed it to them missing a lot of school and not getting help with homework. 

DH and DIL never recovered from the loss of Laura.  They just never seemed the same after that.  They lost any interest in each other and began to argue constantly.  It wasn’t that they didn’t love the boys but they seemed to be kind of distancing themselves.  They’ve really never recovered.  Is it possible that grief can be so paralyzing that you never get over it or is it that they just formed habits related to dealing with the grief and they’ve never broken those habits?   I’m not sure.  I only know that they changed and the changes became permanent.   DIL blames him for any and all problems with the kids and he escapes by saying he has to work and it’s her job to take care of them.  As the boys went through 2nd and 3rd grades, they began to struggle and, by the time they were in the fifth grade, they hated school.  They felt bullied and stupid and they begged to stay home and said they were sick all the time so DIL let them stay home.  I tried to talk to DS about this and he said it was DIL’s fault because he had to be at work all the time.  He seemed to think it was something for her to deal with and she always placed the blame on him.  To DH and I, it was obvious that things wer just not working for the boys.  Of course, the more you miss, the farther behind you get and it became apparent that DH and I were going to have to step in and do something because DIL would always take the easy way out and let them stay home.  A lot of the time, she wouldn’t even get out of bed and DS would take off and go out of town for weeks at a time with work.

When the boys entered the 7th grade, I enrolled them where I teach which is a combination middle/high school.  We were all shocked when, ten days after they enrolled, the counselor told me Steven had failed 6th grade the year before and would have to redo it.  Mom and Dad didn’t even know!!  How can you not know something like that?  Steven was devastated and heartbroken that his twin brother was a year ahead of him.  

The first month or so, I would swing by to pick them up for school and they wouldn’t be ready because DIL didn’t get them up or they’d be staying home “sick”.  Finally, we decided that they would stay with DH and I during the week and go home on weekends.  I worked very closely with their teachers and had testing done and we discovered that both of them have fairly low IQs and Steven suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome which is a type of autism that manifests itself in an inability to “read people” and react appropriately in social situations.

To sum all this up, it’s going on five years since the boys moved in and they haven’t been home at all in more than three years.  DS and DIL are not divorced but they lead separate lives and do not live together.  They see the boys all the time but the boys have no desire to live with them and consider DH and I their “parents”. 

On the bright side, after a couple years of extensive work, they’re both in regular classes and usually stay on the honor roll.  They require a lot of help with schoolwork and they still don’t relate to other kids or new social situations very well.  They tend to be very shy, withdrawn, and insecure about new situations.  That’s why it’s so important to me to make sure that they stay involved with ROTC and CAP because they actually enjoy these activities and have some contact with kids their age.  They’re very sweet and loving to DH and I because they feel safe but they have such a hard time around others.  They have a little sister, Holly, who’s going to the dogs.  She, also, is not getting what she needs and drowns her sorrow in food.  She’s immature, doing poorly in school, misses a lot of school and is babied to the point that I want to throw up!  I don’t understand who DS and DIL think she is.  Were they trying to replace Laura?  Why would they have another child when they’re not taking care of the two they’ve got?  They spoiled her rotten when she was a baby but they never really took care of her.  She’s used to taking care of herself which usually means she wakes up whenever she happens to wake up, goes to the refrigerator, turns on cartoons, and eats all day.  She lives in a pigsty and then I wonder why she doesn’t pick up after herself when she’s here. 

I have so much anger and frustration about the way she’s being raised and a lot of the anger comes from the fact that I know, deep in my heart, that’s she’s lost.  I know she needs me but I’m so consumed with my job and the boys and I get irritated with her behavior when I shouldn’t because it’s all she knows.  A lot of the anger is actually at myself because I don’t do something about it.  She’ll be sitting in the living room in her panties with a bowl of ice cream dribbling down her chin and her face glued to the TV and I get furious when I see what she’s becoming.  I’ll tell her to get dressed, I’ll take away the ice cream and make her go outside to play but I know it’s not enough.  I’m just giving her crumbs.  She jumps when I say “Jump!” but then she goes home and no one follows up.  No one tells her to do anything.  They just talk to her in that sickening baby voice as if they’re talking to a two year old and I just want to scream.  DIL tells her to do something and she just sits there and the next thing you know, DIL is bribing her and treating her like a baby.  “Please, please!  Would you please get dressed for Mommy?  If you get dressed, we can go get a pizza.  Would you like that, Holly Wally?” 

So there it is, analyze it if you want.  I just felt like I needed to clear the air and try to explain why I  don’t make DS and DIL take responsibility for the boys because I know they won’t.  They drift from one day to the next and don’t take responsibility for much of anything.  I could send the boys home at any time but I’d be throwing them away and I won’t do that.  I think one of the things that makes it hard is that I got married so young and I always consoled myself that I’d still be young enough to really enjoy life when my kids were grown.  DH and I were spoiled by about 6 or 7 years of “empty nest” when we finally had time for each other, had enough money to do just about anything we wanted, traveled extensively and then were yanked back into reality and began raising kids again.  Another 3 or 4 years and I’m sure the boys will be on their own but then, there’s Holly.  Does it ever end?  I’m never quite sure if I’m doing what needs to be done or enabling DS and DIL.  They pretty much get to do what they want and I’m raising two of their kids.  Then reality sets in and I realize that I may be enabling them but they didn’t give the boys what they needed before I began raising them and they’re not giving Holly what she needs right now so they wouldn’t shape up and be parents even if I put my foot down.  If the boys are going to have a chance at normal, productive lives we have to lead the way and show them how.

OMG!  How I ramble…Enough of the deep stuff.  I’ve got to clean house!