Sistah Pat

Had to get up at 7:45 so I can be at the good doctor’s office at 9:30 for my post op visit.  Hopefully, he’ll get these two little stitches out and I can get it wet again!  Don’t know if I remember how to do dishes with two hands.  I’ve gotten quite good at holding a dish against the side of the sink with my thumb and forefinger of the left hand and scrubbing with the right.  Isn’t there some show, America’s Most Talented, or something?

Yesterday was a wake-up call.  I’m losing eight hours of my day when I go back to work and I’ve got to make some changes.  I don’t like not being in control of my what and when.  Wish I was independently wealthy but I guess it’s a little late for that.  Don’t know of any long lost relatives waiting to shower me with money and I missed my opportunity in Vegas.  I’m going to have to use this weekend to get more organized so I can keep from freaking out when I find my free time whittled down from 17 hours a day to more like six.  I forgot how much time the boys need when school starts.  Don’t get me wrong.  I may whine about having to do stuff for them but that’s just because they won’t get the help they need from anywhere else.  They’re 17 year old twins and they’re so damn good!  They’re both ECE with special learning needs and they’re very immature.  They’re not into girls, or cars, or most of the stuff other boys their age enjoy.  They don’t even have many friends.  They’re just very quiet and shy and so sweet!  I’m not just saying that because they’re my grandkids.  That’s just the way they are and they need a lot of help with school and social situations.  They’re more like a couple of shy 12 year olds.  They weren’t getting what they needed until they came to live with us and we try to do what we can for them.  That means lots of help with school and motivation.  I should never complain about them.  They’re truly sweethearts.

Okay, gotta hit the shower and go to the doctor’s office.

Back from the doctor’s office.  Got my stitches removed and I can get in the pool!  I went shopping after visiting Doc so it’s getting too late to do the treadmill.  I do need to clean the pool, however, before Rick and Pam come over tomorrow so I’ll probably clean it up and then jog this evening.

Shopping was totally boring!  Pam’s birthday is Tuesday and I wanted to get her something to give tomorrow.  She and I share some things in common.  One of which is a love for bright colors.  I got a hand-painted toucan in Mexico and I wish I’d gotten one for her.  It’s bright and whimsical and it’s hanging in my kitchen.  With that in mind, I went shopping for something really colorful for her kitchen.  Leaving the doctor’s office, I was right next to the expressway so I thought I’d jump on it real quick and go to Pier One.  I was so disappointed.  They didn’t have anything like what I was looking for.  So, I figured I’d jump back on the expressway and go a little bit further up the road to Garden Ridge.  Garden Ridge used to have all kinds of cool kitchen ware.  Bright mexican colors and jalapeno pepper platters and pitchers and I had to look around to make sure I was in the right place.  They ought to rename it the Halloween/Christmas/Silk Flower Store because that’s about all they carry now.  The place was so boring I wanted to curl up in the aisle and take a nap.  Left there and started heading back in this direction toward TJ Max which usually has some cool stuff.  Not today…Heading home, I had to pass a Hobby Lobby so I went in and still couldn’t find what I wanted.  Finally made the big loop and wound up back where I started after wasting almost 3 hours and a lot of gas.  Think I’m going to try Kohl’s this evening.  I never did make it over there to pick up my favorite perfume and they have a pretty nice kitchen department.

About the twins…I feel the need to explain further.  They were so cute and full of energy when they were babies and were the joy of our lives!  When they were about  three years old, they were joined by a little sister.  Due to complications, she was born severely handicapped and required constant care. 

DH and I kept the twins a lot because DS and DIL only had so much time and it was mostly devoted to caring for Laura.  The boys were, of necessity, having to take a backseat to the more pressing needs of their little sister. 

Laura lived for two years and passed away and it was devastating for all of us.  DH and DIL could barely cope with getting up in the morning and the boys still weren’t getting all the attention they needed.  They were in kindergarten and they seemed to be having a little trouble but I attributed it to them missing a lot of school and not getting help with homework. 

DH and DIL never recovered from the loss of Laura.  They just never seemed the same after that.  They lost any interest in each other and began to argue constantly.  It wasn’t that they didn’t love the boys but they seemed to be kind of distancing themselves.  They’ve really never recovered.  Is it possible that grief can be so paralyzing that you never get over it or is it that they just formed habits related to dealing with the grief and they’ve never broken those habits?   I’m not sure.  I only know that they changed and the changes became permanent.   DIL blames him for any and all problems with the kids and he escapes by saying he has to work and it’s her job to take care of them.  As the boys went through 2nd and 3rd grades, they began to struggle and, by the time they were in the fifth grade, they hated school.  They felt bullied and stupid and they begged to stay home and said they were sick all the time so DIL let them stay home.  I tried to talk to DS about this and he said it was DIL’s fault because he had to be at work all the time.  He seemed to think it was something for her to deal with and she always placed the blame on him.  To DH and I, it was obvious that things wer just not working for the boys.  Of course, the more you miss, the farther behind you get and it became apparent that DH and I were going to have to step in and do something because DIL would always take the easy way out and let them stay home.  A lot of the time, she wouldn’t even get out of bed and DS would take off and go out of town for weeks at a time with work.

When the boys entered the 7th grade, I enrolled them where I teach which is a combination middle/high school.  We were all shocked when, ten days after they enrolled, the counselor told me Steven had failed 6th grade the year before and would have to redo it.  Mom and Dad didn’t even know!!  How can you not know something like that?  Steven was devastated and heartbroken that his twin brother was a year ahead of him.  

The first month or so, I would swing by to pick them up for school and they wouldn’t be ready because DIL didn’t get them up or they’d be staying home “sick”.  Finally, we decided that they would stay with DH and I during the week and go home on weekends.  I worked very closely with their teachers and had testing done and we discovered that both of them have fairly low IQs and Steven suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome which is a type of autism that manifests itself in an inability to “read people” and react appropriately in social situations.

To sum all this up, it’s going on five years since the boys moved in and they haven’t been home at all in more than three years.  DS and DIL are not divorced but they lead separate lives and do not live together.  They see the boys all the time but the boys have no desire to live with them and consider DH and I their “parents”. 

On the bright side, after a couple years of extensive work, they’re both in regular classes and usually stay on the honor roll.  They require a lot of help with schoolwork and they still don’t relate to other kids or new social situations very well.  They tend to be very shy, withdrawn, and insecure about new situations.  That’s why it’s so important to me to make sure that they stay involved with ROTC and CAP because they actually enjoy these activities and have some contact with kids their age.  They’re very sweet and loving to DH and I because they feel safe but they have such a hard time around others.  They have a little sister, Holly, who’s going to the dogs.  She, also, is not getting what she needs and drowns her sorrow in food.  She’s immature, doing poorly in school, misses a lot of school and is babied to the point that I want to throw up!  I don’t understand who DS and DIL think she is.  Were they trying to replace Laura?  Why would they have another child when they’re not taking care of the two they’ve got?  They spoiled her rotten when she was a baby but they never really took care of her.  She’s used to taking care of herself which usually means she wakes up whenever she happens to wake up, goes to the refrigerator, turns on cartoons, and eats all day.  She lives in a pigsty and then I wonder why she doesn’t pick up after herself when she’s here. 

I have so much anger and frustration about the way she’s being raised and a lot of the anger comes from the fact that I know, deep in my heart, that’s she’s lost.  I know she needs me but I’m so consumed with my job and the boys and I get irritated with her behavior when I shouldn’t because it’s all she knows.  A lot of the anger is actually at myself because I don’t do something about it.  She’ll be sitting in the living room in her panties with a bowl of ice cream dribbling down her chin and her face glued to the TV and I get furious when I see what she’s becoming.  I’ll tell her to get dressed, I’ll take away the ice cream and make her go outside to play but I know it’s not enough.  I’m just giving her crumbs.  She jumps when I say “Jump!” but then she goes home and no one follows up.  No one tells her to do anything.  They just talk to her in that sickening baby voice as if they’re talking to a two year old and I just want to scream.  DIL tells her to do something and she just sits there and the next thing you know, DIL is bribing her and treating her like a baby.  “Please, please!  Would you please get dressed for Mommy?  If you get dressed, we can go get a pizza.  Would you like that, Holly Wally?” 

So there it is, analyze it if you want.  I just felt like I needed to clear the air and try to explain why I  don’t make DS and DIL take responsibility for the boys because I know they won’t.  They drift from one day to the next and don’t take responsibility for much of anything.  I could send the boys home at any time but I’d be throwing them away and I won’t do that.  I think one of the things that makes it hard is that I got married so young and I always consoled myself that I’d still be young enough to really enjoy life when my kids were grown.  DH and I were spoiled by about 6 or 7 years of “empty nest” when we finally had time for each other, had enough money to do just about anything we wanted, traveled extensively and then were yanked back into reality and began raising kids again.  Another 3 or 4 years and I’m sure the boys will be on their own but then, there’s Holly.  Does it ever end?  I’m never quite sure if I’m doing what needs to be done or enabling DS and DIL.  They pretty much get to do what they want and I’m raising two of their kids.  Then reality sets in and I realize that I may be enabling them but they didn’t give the boys what they needed before I began raising them and they’re not giving Holly what she needs right now so they wouldn’t shape up and be parents even if I put my foot down.  If the boys are going to have a chance at normal, productive lives we have to lead the way and show them how.

OMG!  How I ramble…Enough of the deep stuff.  I’ve got to clean house!