upstairs Room

Well this week has been weird.  I saw briefly a 171.0 flash across my scale.  But, unfortunately things have not been as good after that.  Today I weighed in at 173.6.. how? I have no idea, well I do have some idea.. but either way I am determined to get lower than my last weigh in on Monday.

It’s been a stressful week, but not as bad as last week.  I think some of the aftermath of last week has caused a lot of stress, and I have made some bad decisions with respect to food.  Still no exercise, unless you count mowing the lawn.. which I don’t.

Goals for the next 3 days:

- eat better, smaller portions, avoid junk food

- exercise - at least twice for 30 mins

I will report back on Monday

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Previous weight - 174.6 lbs

Sunday’s weight - 172.6 lbs (I forgot to weigh in yesterday)

Total Loss - 2 lbs

Overall the week went fairly well with respect to food. I limited my portions and for the most part ate healthy, except for the indulgence of chocolate from time to time to help with the depression.  Chocolate is an amazing food that really helps in that department but isn’t so kind to the waist so I need to get that under control.

Exercise never happened, so I am going to leave my goal the same for this week.

Beyond Weight Loss - This was a horrible week with respect to my mood and depression. I was angry, cranky and just a pain in the ass. It was TOM, but seriously there is no good excuse for being a bitch.

Spring Focus Goals for Week of June 7, 2010

Portion Control and Healthy Eating - limit amount of food to reasonable amounts, try to focus on eating a clean diet.  Limit junk and sugar to minimal amounts, and no soda. Reduce the amount of chocolate I am eating.

Exercise - planned exercise for 60 mins this week

Beyond Weight Loss - try and keep my mood in check and improve things spiritually

Challenges - a wedding party on Friday, emotional eating..

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So today I weigh in at 174.6 lbs.  which is a 0.2 lb loss - an incredible accomplishment if you saw the amount of eating I did this weekend.  There was a picnic, a bridal shower and family dinner at my Mom’s house.  I’m sure you can imagine.

Spring Focus Goals for Week of May 31, 2010

Portion Control and Healthy Eating - limit amount of food to reasonable amounts, try to focus on eating a clean diet.  Limit junk and sugar to minimal amounts, and no soda.

Exercise - planned exercise for 60 mins this week

Beyond Weight Loss - improve things spiritually and spend more time fixing the garden

Challenges - birthday party and brunch invitations for this weekend

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So two weeks ago, I got down to 168, and today I am 174.8 lbs.  With the meds and what not I’ve gained weight.  I need to get back down. I have weddings to go to in the next two months.  I need to fit in my clothes, so I don’t have to get new ones or fix the big outfits I have.

So I’ve joined Round’s Spring Focus group.  Something, anything to be accountable to.

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the weather, and me.  I am doing pretty sh*tty actually.  The last two weeks have been absolute hell.  I’ve gone completely down hill.  I knew I was feeling pretty down, what I didn’t know, was that it needed attention.  Read this for some background.

So since then, the negative thoughts and self loathing have gotten completely out of control.  Enough that I went to see a doctor.  Enough that he gave me an anti-depressant, enough that the anti-depressant did weird things to me, that the withdrawal of the anti-depressant has made me worse than I was in the first place.

My husband hasn’t been to work in a week now because I can’t function. I can’t take care of my kids.  I hate what this has done to my family.  My husband is so upset.  He just wants me to be happy. He can’t figure out why I am not happy.  I have a great husband, two amazing kids, parents and a sister that all care about me, lots of friends, and yet here I am - miserable.  Hating myself and everything around me.

I feel so ungrateful, which makes me more mad at myself.  It is such a vicious cycle. When I get mad, it only makes me madder.  Have I completely lost it?  Probably.  We’ve been to a few doctors this week, and a counselor.  I’m exhausted.  I just want to be able to take care of my family again.

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So this morning I weighed in at 169.4 lbs.  Now the question will be how the weekend goes.  I usually get things back in control by Thursday/Friday, and then the weekend come and bang.. back to square one.  So not this this weekend.  The goal is to be the same weight by Monday or lose some more. That would be nice too.

Last weekend was tough with Yumna’s birthday.  She seems so much bigger to me.  I can’t believe she is FIVE!  We had the family over for a bbq on Sunday, and then on Monday, her actual birthday, we went out and had a wonderful family day.

Here is a picture of the girls enjoying the beach:

Did I mention I live in CANADA!! The weather was just amazing on Monday, and today.. freezing! I’m so happy the warm weather fell on Yumna’s birthday

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since the last time I wrote.   I got down to the 160s, but then came back up.  I am at 170.8 lbs today.  Which means with a little hard work I could be in the 160s again.  I bought a couple of shirts the other day without trying them on, in size L.. and they were tight when I brought them home.  I wasn’t too happy about that.  So back to it I suppose.

I found the last time round, having to report here daily helped.  So I am going to try and do that again.

Today was Safiya’s first swimming lesson at the Tot 3 level.  I was very excited to be taking her, as my skin is fine now and I can participate.  Too bad we went to the wrong swimming pool this morning and missed the class, but well.. my head hasn’t been on quite straight lately.  There is always next week.

Today Anna and Bee both posted scale pictures reaching their goals. I am so proud of them!  You have inspired me to keep going!

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Well my weight has gone up since the last time I posted.  I was up to 173.2 lbs yesterday, today I’m back to 171.2 lbs.  Either way i need to get back down into the 160s.  So this is my back to it post.

Goal:  Get back into the 160s by next Monday. Fo’ shizzle.

It has been so beautiful lately.  Like ridiculously amazing for March.  I haven’t gone nuts and planted seeds, because that didn’t work out so well last year when we had the same kind of weather.  We have been spending a lot of time outdoors though.  We took the girls to the zoo last weekend.  Every day last week, Safi and I have been having fun doing stuff with different friends and family.

We’ve been doing a lot of barbecuing too, at least three times the last week.  We had my parents over for a bbq yesterday.  I’m ready for summer  now.  Today we played in the backyard and the plan is to go for a nice walk.  Thank God for the time change.  It doesn’t get dark here until 7:30pm now, which is such a welcome change from the 4:30 evenings we were having just a couple months ago.

So in all this soul searching I’ve been doing, I’ve come to the realization that whoever I am, whatever I am feeling, I will still be feeling it when I get down to 150lbs.  So, does that mean I stop trying? No, but its about being realistic about what is going to happen when I get there.  It helps me keep focused on the reality of weightloss.  Maybe I won’t make me happy, but it will make me fit in some smaller sized clothes, and boost the confidence a bit.  The bigger stuff, well I will still have to deal with that.  And I am, a little at a time.

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So, I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I think I am some what uncomfortable with the idea of getting smaller.  I don’t want to attract attention, I like being my invisible self.  And I think this is the reason why I have been so hesitant to lose more.  It all stems to a lack of self esteem, which I am totally guilty of.

So, I want to lose the weight without the attention.  I hate, hate, hate it when someone sees me and is like “OH MY GOD! You’ve lost so much weight!!!”  I feel like man.. was I THAT huge? Because I am certainly not skinny yet, so I must of been humongous.  That is a totally stupid reason not to lose weight.  It’s not about them. It’s about me. It’s about my family and my kids.  I want my children to be proud of their mother, and to have positive self images.. and that is hard to do when their own Mom doesn’t have a positive self image of herself.

Unfortunately, you can’t go to the store and buy yourself a bottle of self esteem.   That would be nice, along with bottles of youth and might as well throw in weight loss too while we are dreaming here.  So, while I don’t know where to get some self esteem, I’ve decided I really need to start faking it.  I need to pretend that I like myself and what I look like and hope and pray the rest of my mind starts believing it.  I’m tired of being down on myself.  Last night I was almost in tears because of how frustrated I am with this self loathing and hate.  The things I don’t like about myself, I need to work on.. and when I slip up, which I often do, I need to give myself a break.  I need to forgive myself.  I need to treat the rest of the aspects of my life sort of like my weightloss.  I am not hard on myself if I give in to a bowl of Lucky Charms, I realize food mistakes are all just moments of time that can be compensated for, and so I need to just treat myself with a little more kindness in the other aspects of my life.

I need to not stress about things before they become a reality.  I spend a lot of time stressing about things to come.  Sometimes they are right on, but sometimes they are not, but either way there is no point of stressing in advance.  And I need to be a lot less sensitive.  I need to just be a little bit distant, and assume things are okay, even if I don’t think they are.. I tend to over think and it stresses the crap out of me.

So I’m faking it. I am going to just be a little nicer and kinder to myself.  I’m going to pretend to be less sensitive and not react to things in the normal way that I do.  I don’t know if that makes sense. I know I’ve been somewhat vague.  But, I needed to write this down.  I think this is the first step in getting things to go in the right direction.

Oh.. I forgot to mention, today’s weigh in was 166.8 lbs!

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Well, yesterday I weighed in at 165.2 lbs, so you can imagine my utter shock this morning when I saw 167.8 lbs.  That is 2.6lbs in one day.  I don’t even think I ate that badly, or did I?  Either way, watching the scale go up is exactly what I needed to get my act together.

A friend of mine has been updating her facebook very regularly with her activities that she is doing to lose weight lately.  I gave her a call, and talked to her a bit, and she was very adamant that I need to finish what I started.  She said, you are less that 20lbs away from where you want to be, so just do it.  You can do it in 2 months and accomplish a goal of yours.  When she put it that way, it makes sense to just do it.  Not to throw away this opportunity.  I am home for at least 7 more months before I head back to work.  I really need to seize this chance I have and just do it.

I need to form an action plan.  One that is different than what I’ve been doing, but really identifies what works for me.  Number one thing to do is start moving again, and finding a way to love movement.  I really enjoyed my aquafit classes, so I think that is one thing I am going to go back to.  Now that my skin is making a recovery, I should be back in a state to go for aquafit classes by end of March.  But, I need to get something else going before that.. whether it is walking, running, biking or whatever.

The other thing is eating.  The eating is not so bad.. it was bad the last week, but overall I know how to control that and keep things in check.  So now it is a matter of not allowing the little slip ups here and there.  Wish me luck.. the first step in fixing the problem is identifying it.  I think I’ve done that, now I need to come up with how I am going to change things.. and I need to do that soon.

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