upstairs Room

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I think I am some what uncomfortable with the idea of getting smaller.  I don’t want to attract attention, I like being my invisible self.  And I think this is the reason why I have been so hesitant to lose more.  It all stems to a lack of self esteem, which I am totally guilty of.

So, I want to lose the weight without the attention.  I hate, hate, hate it when someone sees me and is like “OH MY GOD! You’ve lost so much weight!!!”  I feel like man.. was I THAT huge? Because I am certainly not skinny yet, so I must of been humongous.  That is a totally stupid reason not to lose weight.  It’s not about them. It’s about me. It’s about my family and my kids.  I want my children to be proud of their mother, and to have positive self images.. and that is hard to do when their own Mom doesn’t have a positive self image of herself.

Unfortunately, you can’t go to the store and buy yourself a bottle of self esteem.   That would be nice, along with bottles of youth and might as well throw in weight loss too while we are dreaming here.  So, while I don’t know where to get some self esteem, I’ve decided I really need to start faking it.  I need to pretend that I like myself and what I look like and hope and pray the rest of my mind starts believing it.  I’m tired of being down on myself.  Last night I was almost in tears because of how frustrated I am with this self loathing and hate.  The things I don’t like about myself, I need to work on.. and when I slip up, which I often do, I need to give myself a break.  I need to forgive myself.  I need to treat the rest of the aspects of my life sort of like my weightloss.  I am not hard on myself if I give in to a bowl of Lucky Charms, I realize food mistakes are all just moments of time that can be compensated for, and so I need to just treat myself with a little more kindness in the other aspects of my life.

I need to not stress about things before they become a reality.  I spend a lot of time stressing about things to come.  Sometimes they are right on, but sometimes they are not, but either way there is no point of stressing in advance.  And I need to be a lot less sensitive.  I need to just be a little bit distant, and assume things are okay, even if I don’t think they are.. I tend to over think and it stresses the crap out of me.

So I’m faking it. I am going to just be a little nicer and kinder to myself.  I’m going to pretend to be less sensitive and not react to things in the normal way that I do.  I don’t know if that makes sense. I know I’ve been somewhat vague.  But, I needed to write this down.  I think this is the first step in getting things to go in the right direction.

Oh.. I forgot to mention, today’s weigh in was 166.8 lbs!

Filed under: Day to Day