I went to the gym early this morning for a 3 mile run.  I have plans tonight, so I had to go early.  My weight hasn’t been in new territory for a long time, but I’m doing everything I need to do and I’m getting healthier (my clothes fit better).  The scale will go lower at some point, but I’ve been really pushing the exercise and have been a bit sore and that creates water retention.

Its hard to believe, but I’m up 6 pounds from my lowest weight.  The scale this morning is all the way back up to 185.  YIKES.  However, I KNOW this is due to water retention as there is no way in hell I’ve been eating enough calories for that kind of a weight gain.  This week I have dramatically increased the number of miles I have run and my legs have been very sore.  That, combined with at least one high sodium meal this week is causing me to retain all kinds of water.  No matter that you *know* it isn’t real, it still is a bummer and something that isn’t easy to deal with. 

I’ve run 17 miles this week including a 4 mile race and two separate 5 mile runs.  This is much higher than I have done in the past.  I’m taking today off from running but I hope to get some walking in today.  Unfortunately, I have to have some blood work done this afternoon so I’ll be fasting all morning.  I didn’t eat anything yesterday past 2pm as the lunch meal I had was ginormous (and I believe very high in sodium).

I went running this evening and now I feel 100x better than this afternoon.  I have a 4 mile race on Saturday that I’m looking forward to.

It comes on like waves sometimes. So much that I lock up inside of myself because I don’t even know where to begin telling someone. Then again, I don’t want to tell anyone either. The next hurdle I need to cross is to go to a shrink. Not for me, but for the people who have to deal with me. What I hate the most is how I hurt people that I love just by being who I am.

This isn’t going to make any sense, but I wish I could apologize to someone without telling them what I’m sorry about.

Another thing that is not going to make sense: I’m cursed by needing something that I can’t accomplish myself and its an impossibility to ask for help. Imagine a genie granting someone any wish they could desire, but the only stipulation is that the wish is said out loud. This is granted to a person who is mute and can’t talk. I can’t ask for what I need in life and there is nothing I can do.

I wish I was a better person.

It looks like I posted here one week ago after hitting 179.2.  I’ve been up 1-3 pounds each day since then even though my calories have been good and I’ve gotten some good running workouts.

The last time I got into new territory it was almost two weeks before seeing a new low again.  This is just how it goes. 

I’ve made my baseline goal weight.  This is the weight that I will try not to cross on the “over” side.  I’m sure I will fluctuate up over 180 for a few more times, but eventually I’m like to maintain somewhere in the 170s.  Preferably the low to mid 170s.

Here is a comparison photo:

I guess I’m kind of lucky that I at least have my weight loss/ health as something to focus completely on that can kind of take my mind off of other things. I’ve been seeing some indications that things are starting to move again in a positive direction weight-wise. This morning I’m wearing a pair of pants that were too tight to wear just last week (they are tight, but wearable).

My weight this morning was still up from the lowest, but I really think that there has been more fat lost and that it is just a matter of time before the scale catches up.

I have today and two more days to go before my Saturday WW weigh in and I am very confident that this is the week I hit the WW goal.

Today has been fairly blah. I have a cold and I think that is part of what is facturing into the blue mood I’m having. I do have depression issues and its hard sometimes to think positively. There is alot of negativity in my life right now and alot of it is my fault. I wish I could be a different type of person.

Anyway, its probably not a healthy thing to think this way, but I could really use some good news on the scale in the morning. I’ve been up in weight since hitting my new low for a while and I’d really like to get into new territory. I’m determined this week to give 110% effort and I hope that I will be rewarded with a scale victory (yes, I know the scale lies but sometimes a positive lie is just what you need to get you into a better mood).

My last WW meeting I was .6 pounds from hitting my weight watchers goal.  I would love to hit that this week!  I’ve committed to having a great week and I hope to see some good progress.  My weight this morning is back up again (just fluctuations).  It was 185.2.  The lowest I’ve seen on the scale is 183.6. 

A bit TMI, but I’ve been having a lot of constipation issues and I think that is causing my weight to be a bit higher than it should be. 

I know if I’m in new territory on my home scale by Saturday morning that I’ll make goal weight at WW.  4 more days.

183.8.

I’m totally going to wear those size 30 pants today that were a bit tight before.  They might not fit perfectly, but I’m wearing them!

I didn’t end up running last night and wussed out because of the cold.  I didn’t hit my running goals for the week.  I’m going to have to do better this week and man up even when it is brutally cold.