1. Should I weigh myself sometime next week? Tomorrow will be two weeks binge free. I can’t believe how much smaller my ‘muffin top’ (God, I hate those words put together) has gotten when I wear my size 7 capri’s. I feel lighter. I just don’t want to have my weight discourage me. I’m thinking of never weighing myself again. Honestly.

2. Should I wait until I’m a size 5 to buy jeans? Right now, I usually wear dress pants/dress capri’s, and occasionally sweats. They’re stretchy, and they look good, plus I can wear them IRL as well as at work, without spending too much money (which is important, since I’m planning on going down atleast another size). But at heart, I’m a jeans and tee girl. I love how you can wear anything with jeans, to go for a casual look or to dress it up.

I’ve always had a hard time finding jeans that looked good on me…most styles usually accentuate the ‘muffin top’ (gag!) and downplay my already small butt. When I gained the 40 lbs that I had lost back again, I stopped wearing them altogether. I’m sure that if I look hard enough, I can find styles that will look good. I just don’t want to invest the time and money, only to shrink out of them and have to start over.

3. How do I stop restricting myself in life because of my weight? Seriously, I want to be one of those people who always has plans after work/on the weekends and has hundreds of photos (that they actually don’t mind the world seeing!) up on Facebook. But there are still SO many things that I refuse to do, because they’re outside my comfort zone. Like going out and dancing. I NEVER feel comfortable in a bar, because everyone around me seems cooler…because they’re smaller, or they’re wearing less clothes (of all things!). No, I don’t want to look slutty and half naked, but I DO want confidence and to love myself.

Not expecting any answers, just thinking out loud

I feel very hopeful.

I can run and go up stairs and my heart rate returns to normal pretty fast. No huffing and puffing. My chest doesn’t feel tight.

My belly is shrinking.

My size 7 pants fit with almost no muffin top.

The other day in a clothes store, the sales lady called me very slim.

At work last night, my coworker stared at me and asked why my skin looked so good, and if I had lost weight.

My cheekbones are really showing.

* * * *

I’m very much taking this journey ONE DAY AT A TIME. I caps locked that because it is very important for me to focus on the present. I started thinking yesterday about how by the time we do Skydive for Africa, I could be 8 weeks and 4 days into this, and it was an amazing thought. But it also panicked me. It’s so far in the future, and the thought of a relapse is always heavy in the back of my mind.

I’m in a very good place right now, but I am very aware that I need more help then I can give myself. I’m still planning on attending my first OA meeting next week, and I’m asking my family doctor for referral to a nutritionist. I can’t afford counselling, so I have to figure out what I’m going to do on that front.

You eat potato chips, you’re going to perform like a potato chip. ~ Laird Hamilton

Equal parts of Doing + Believing will see me reach my goal.

Instead…
Write in my blog.

Take a walk.

Brush my teeth.

Go for coffee with a friend.

Take a bubble bath or shower.

Play WII.

For “trigger” foods, say to yourself, “(Whatever is the problem food) does not exist for me.” You have a whole universe of foods you can pick from. This stuff is just not in it.

Eating guidelines:

No frozen drinks.
No caffeine.
No alcohol (first 5 days)
No dairy (first 5 days)
No topping like mayo, mustard or ketchup.
No carbs.

No salt.

Mostly:

Eggs
Grilled chicken
Salmon

Beans (not canned)
Fruit & veggies to snack on

Nuts with no salt or oil

- Buy Listerine Pocket Packs to use after lunch at work, to signal NO more food

- Brush my teeth after dinner.

22 days until skydiving!!!!

It was a binge. Of sorts. However, it was not my kind of binge. So I’m not counting it as a binge. I may have an afternoon snack, but other then that, I’m not going to eat until dinner. I know I won’t be hungry, because I haven’t done anything yet today, and I go to work at 2.

I realize that for the 30 days binge free to be succesful in breaking my habit, I need to stop bingeing, COMPLETELY. Which I haven’t done. I binged on corn once, and then there was today. It’s something that I need to work on, along with cutting down on junk food.

I find myself planning a big binge at the end of my 30 days. Some days, it keeps me from cracking. I MISS bingeing. I miss cracking open a bag of chips and eating mindlessly, or spooning away a pint of icecream. I don’t miss how it makes me feel. I don’t miss the fact that in order to have a satisfying binge, I literally need to be alone for two entire days - one to binge, and one to recover. I don’t know what it is exactly ABOUT bingeing that I am missing. I’m still trying to figure that out.

I’m not necessarily definitely going to binge at the end of my challenge. I’ve been thinking of an hour long massage.

ETA: About my challenge to only drink water for a week when outside the house…I failed I’m going to try again, starting today.

Last night, DB made a trip to the grocery store to get something, and ended up picking up a few other items, as well. To give a short background, he will eat healthy and drink water when I provide the means, but left on his own, he resorts to takeout and convenience foods. He doesn’t really read labels, and he loves snack foods such as chips. His diet worries me ALOT, but instead of nagging, I strive to lead by example and help him make little changes in the hopes of working toward better habits in the future.

Anyway, one of the other items that he got was danishes. I didn’t really pay attention to that at first, but then later when I went to the kitchen, I noticed that the filling was blue. I love EVERYTHING blueberry, so of course I had to check to see if they were blueberry danishes. I read the whole ingredient list, got right to the bottom, and finally found blueberries. The length of the list intrigued me, so I counted the total ingredients. 72!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rhat sort of gagged me, and it still does. Nevertheless, I had one for breakfast this morning. And I did NOT feel guilty. I had no processed carbs for the rest of the day, and I ate really well. Just like I thought, it really wasn’t worth the calories, and I won’t be eating another tomorrow.

* * * *

My BMR is 1495.5. I used this website: http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/harris-benedict-equation/, to calculate how many calories I would need if I wanted to maintain at 150 lbs (at this time, I get little or no exercise, so I multiplied by BMR by 1.2). I got 1,794 calories. The website says: “If you want to lose fat, a useful guideline for lowering your calorie intake is to reduce your calories by at least 500, but not more than 1000 below your maintenance level.” According to that, I should eat approximately 1,294 calories per day. Hmm, that seems low according to what I’ve read, but not impossible. Of course, I know that I can make that higher if I get more exercise, which is something that I’m working on.

* * * *

The virus seems to be finally releasing it’s hold on me, and I have my voice back. I have to be up at 5 am tomorrow for work, so I’m off to bed. Goodnight!

Ok, I am WAY too lazy to retype everything, so…

I gained back all the weight that I lost. I’m not sure how much I want to lose total now, I’m just taking it one day at a time.

My first two goals, which really have nothing to do with losing weight, but I know will help me get started on this journey once again:

#1: Nothing but water when outside the house, for a week. Specifically focused on 6 glasses or bottles of water a day. When at home, I can have one bottle of juice crystals per day, milk, or tea. End date: May 16

#2: No bingeing for 30 days. They say it takes 30 days to break a habit, so I’m giving myself that long to change the way that I think of and behave towards food. Today is day #3!

I’m finding that in the mornings when I wake up, I have NO appetite. That’s unusual for me. I usually wake up hungry if I didn’t binge the previous day, and I love breakfast. Either it’s this virus (which I think is finally on it’s way out!!), or the pill (I’ve heard that decreased appetite can be a side effect). I am making an effort to choke down atleast a little bit of protein and a peice of fruit, but some days, I could seriously throw up.

Slow and steady is very hard for me, mainly because I need a new wardrobe, since I have very few clothes that actually fit, and I don’t want to spend a lot on items that won’t even fit me in a few months. Can you tell that I want 10-20 gone NOW?  But I know that slow and steady is the only way that I can do it if I’m going to be healthy about it, and maintain it in the end. I found a reminder that I like. “Don’t give up…and remember…it’s better then gaining weight!” So true!

In terms of meals, I’m trying to stick to one ‘processed’ carb per day (i.e., bread or pasta. Rice or baked potato don’t count.). I’m doing it because I usually feel bloated and big if I eat any more then one. Lean protein seems to agree with my stomach best. Today that carb is the lunch that DB made me on Sunday, fish with noodleys. Yum!

Have a great day!

I had my plan for dinner at work…I ended up eating two turtles, BUT resisted…

birthday cake, cheese, crackers, sausage, crunch n munch, chocolates, gummies and several other types of candy…

So, final verdict - I did VERY well!

I am going to look sexy nekkid in the jacuzzi