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Week Many Day 3

Wait shoot now I’m all confused.  Maybe week three. 

 

Edit: YUP it was week three.  FAIL on my part.  Perhaps the weight I am losing is in fact brain cells.  I appear to be getting worse and worse at counting, and now I cannot count to three.  Either that or it is just too hot for my troll-brain to work properly.  WEEK “MANY”.

 

REGARDLESS OF MY BAD BOOKKEEPING

 

Dreamed of many, many tasty things last night.  Went to bed hungry and apparently was also hungry in my sleep.  Binged like crazy and was glad when I woke up to discover it had only been a dream.  Close, though.  Scale said 166 in the morning, though, so… progress.

 

Food:

2 yoghurts-200 calories
Ramen-400 calories
3 cups frozen grapes-200 calories
10 slices deli turkey- 500 calories

 

I intended this to add up to 1500, but apparently I added the frozen grapes twice.  I am not very good at arithmetic.  Oh well.  Will add the spare calories on tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

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huuuuuuuungry

hungry hungry HUNGRY hungry.  HUUUUNGRY.  Hungry hungry, hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry.  Hungry!  Hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry Hungry hungry?  Hungry hungry hungry, hungry Hungry hungry hungry.

 

Hungry,

 

Hungry

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Week 3 Day 2

FOOOOOOOD:

Better than yesterday! I’m really trying to be more vigilant about spreading my calories over the day.

yoghurt- 100 calories
grapes- 200 calories
ramen-400 calories
chicken caesar salad, no dressing, light on croutons and chicken- Tried to take an amount that would be about 300 calories, but who knows.
a teaspoon of chocolate ice cream- beats me?

Goal: 1000 Total:1000ish + tsp ice cream? Good enough for me to count it as my 1000 calorie day. I’m HUNGRY. Tomorrow- more food!

 

At the bird shelter today.  Not much for me to do these days, since a lot of the birds are in foster homes.  Still, changed papers, dug a grave for her six-months-frozen pet macaw, same old same old.

 

On a more personal note, things are going really well with my father lately.  I thought it would be a problem that I basically told him what I thought of his parenting after my mother died with respect to me and my brother, and it was rocky for a while, but it seems to have ultimately gotten everything out in the open. We’re still different people, but even my brother’s doing better after my father, post-conversation with me, gave him a sincere apology for his somewhat hastily done remarriage.  I was always upset that he never seemed to care what or how I did, but he’s started to do that more, and I think our relationship is heading in a much healthier direction.

 

so

 

woo

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Let’s just call it week 3 day 1.

Today was kind of unfortunate.  I ended up getting so caught up in things and tried so hard to drink my 10 glasses of water that I didn’t get around to eating until dinner, at which point I was so famished I had three very loaded pieces of pizza.  Probably not more than 1200 calories, but having it all at once can’t be good for my metabolism.  Trip was good.  I shouldn’t whine as much as I do.  It does suck to a certain extent to be around him, but I’ll have to get over it sometime.  Just made me miss my current boyfriend more.  Three and a half weeks still till I see him!  We do talk on skype a lot, though. And seeing his lovely face makes me very, very happy. :D 

 

It’s crazy, but I felt GREAT about myself when I was up there, and then I got back and all of a sudden I feel really fat.  Presumably it’ll go away, but the old worries about whether I’ll actually be able to LOSE this weight or I’ll end up in an endless plateau are starting to resurface.  

 

Should have exercised today.  Didn’t, was too tired, and the heavy feeling in my stomach from the day before didn’t help.  Most, though, I woke up late and didn’t want to exercise during the day.  I REALLY hate people watching me exercise.  Perhaps I’ll get over it someday, but today was not that day.  Not sure I’ll be able to do it tomorrow, either- birds and a possible coffee meeting.  

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Week 2 day 5: Temptation

Wow, today was tough. I think I might be being too restrictive. It’s a decision I struggle with. It’s easier to lose weight at home where I have more control over what I eat than on a college dining plan, but on the other hand I wonder what havoc I’m wreaking with my metabolism and today I found myself nearly hungry enough to go off-plan.  Right now my plan is to go 1000, 1200, 1500, repeat. Often, though, I overestimate calories to be sure, and I think it’s likely that a 1200 and a 1500 calorie day this week were both actually 800-1000 calorie days. :/

 

I think the reason I’m having a trouble is a lot because I’m feeling lonely and out of place.  Home is not a particularly happy place for me since my mother died and my father remarried.  She was always the parent that I really identified with and who seemed to really care about me and push me.  I don’t get along that well with my stepfamily, either- they’re all skinny and delicate and athletic and into drinking and some of them seem to have kind of a mean streak.  Clearly, these were the popular kids in school, and it makes me ill at ease.  And, of course, I’m missing my now long-distance boyfriend.  I’ll see him in a month, but it seems like an awfully long time.  Also stressing a little about agreeing to go up to my ex-boyfriend’s lake house- it was a break due to distance, not due to lack of affection on either of our parts, but I think the separation was a lot easier on him than it was on me.  Good kid, but it still kind of hurts to be around him.  Still, his family has really done a lot for me and I’ve spent more time with them than my real family a lot of the time since my mom died, so… I really have to.  Also going to be hard on my diet.  I’ll check in when the weekends over, but I probably can’t before then.

 

Anyway, food!

 

4 slices turkey - 200 calories

20ish (I’ll admit I lost count a little) pieces pepperoni- 200 calories tops.

5 pickles - 50 calories

String cheese - 50 calories

Chips (indulged a little) - 450 calories

I’m thinking more string cheese to make up the additional 50?

 

Total: 1000 calories, but 1500 tomorrow.  No excuses for less than that.  I know it’ll only hurt long-term. 

 

Oh!  Happy news!  Went fencing tonight (first time in a while) and I don’t have to struggle into my equipment anymore - it’s actually kind of loose!  wooooo!

 

 

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Week 2 Day 4: The Bad Movie Watching

Food: 2 cans V8-60 calories 1 bottle diet orange soda-38 calories 1 cup noodles, beef and vegetable-300 calories Some of my friend’s popcorn- no idea but for definite less than 600 calories so let’s call it that. 9 pieces of pepperoni ~100 calories 1 yoghurt - 100 calories

As for the day itself, pretty awesome.  Woke up, messed around on the internet some.  Took my weight- back down to 167.8, so I guess that’s something?  Friend called me and asked me to go do something awesome with him, another friend asked us if we wanted to see The Last Airbender, so we made plans to do that at 7:30.  Bookstore was pretty cool- a little pretentious I think.  Bought myself a book by Phillip K. Dick, Dr. Futurity, but he seems the sort of author, who, like Heinlein, may just write the same book over and over.  We’ll see. Also visited a foreign language book store, and I looked at a lot of pretty Latin books, but they are quite expensive and available on the internet, so I refrained, though I was quite tempted by a copy of Pseudolus.  Was nice to get a chance to spend some time Latin nerding it up with a fellow classics addict.
The movie, on the other hand, was TERRIBLE.  Dear God.  I knew it was going to be bad, but it was worse than I could ever have imagined.  Among other things, their decision to make the name pronunciation more “authentically Chinese” (despite the fact that not all of the names ARE Chinese, for instance “Azula”, who wields blue fire and whose name is CLEARLY “azule” with an a stuck on the end) yet to replace all the real Chinese on signs in the show with vaguely Chinese looking scribbles.  To add to that, not a one of them could act worth a damn and every 20 second conversation was just an excuse for exposition.  On the bright side, although I’m still worried about my weight loss slowing down I couldn’t stop glancing down at my WAY more slender legs during the movie. :D  Maybe this’ll work out after all.

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Week 2 Day 3: AAAAAARGH

Man, maybe I just shouldn’t step on the scale.  I was having a super day until I did that.  I volunteered at a bird shelter for five hours, which kicked my ass (cleaning large bird cages is harder work than it might seem), but I felt good when I got back, had a small snack, and then went out to dinner with my dad and my brother, resisting the tasty cheese dip and all the delicious fatty Chili’s food and getting a caesar salad.  

Food total (for what it matters):

1 yoghurt- 100 calories

2 cans V8-60 calories

1 slice turkey - 50 calories

1 chili’s caesar salad - heaven knows.  Let’s just call this a 1500 calorie day and I don’t eat any more.

Also, this morning, I finally put batteries in my scale and it said 168!  Woohoo! And my knees no longer have a pinchable amount of fat on them!  Woohoo!  BUT NOW THE SCALE SAYS 173.  BOO AND BOO AGAIN I SAY.  Also I did the math, and if my weight loss slows down as much as it looks like it’s been doing, I won’t see the 150’s before I head to college.  This is really depressing, because I’ve been trying to just get to 145 for years.  No go.  Haven’t even seen the 150’s.  Lost to 160, regained twenty pounds, and now I’ve lost … seven? twelve? somewhere between the two.  AAAARGH.  I just want to be not overweight eventually and I have this terror that my weight loss will just keep slowing down as I eat less and less and my body just keeps adjusting until I can only approach asymptotically close to 159.99999999.  It’s kind of crazy, but I feel that way.  Also my stepsisters  are in town which I find massively stressful.  It’s no fun having the two massively pretty stepsisters hanging around being less awkward and fat than I am at me.  Particularly while avoiding my own tasty poison apples and with my prince charming safely states away for another month. :(  I wish I could just believe that this would work out, but I can’t.  I feel the failure looming, ready to jump out just like it has every time.  I’m scared that if I’m removed from a scale I won’t be able to do it, or somehow it won’t count since I won’t know even if I do.  I am SO SICK of being a fat failure.

 

FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG.

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Week 2 Day 2: The Atonement

For some reason I really feel like I didn’t eat much at all today.  Probably because I didn’t eat that much.  Most of what I ate was absorbed in a burger I ate with the family because I didn’t want to seem too standoffish.  

Food for the day:

3 cans V8- 90 calories

2 slices turkey-100 calories

1 yoghurt - 100 calories

1 cheeseburger- ~600 calories (rounded up)

Total:890 calories.

 

To make it about 1000, my goal for the day, I’m thinking I’m going to have another yoghurt around 10. Also probably lots of green tea, since I used up my calories more quickly than I would have liked. My family was all having dinner together, and I figured I ought to eat with them. Honestly, I was surprised by how many calories were in it. 

The sky is gorgeous this evening, bright, deep pink.  I suppose some sailors are in for a good day tomorrow.

 

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Week 2 Part 1: The Pepperoniphagification

Weird day. So, I woke up at around noon, ate my 200 calorie bowl of frozen grapes, and at 2ish decided to head grocery storewards to replace the battery for my scale and buy some more yoghurt. I took my dog, and I ended up taking the most scenic route everywhere- long story short we were out for 2 1/2 hours all told. In the home stretch, she decided to jump in a pond which was apparently entirely filled with mud, and then roll in it. So, filthiest dog in the world in tow, I arrive home and try to hose her off. She freaks out, starts yelping and biting and runs under the porch, where she remains for another three hours. Got her out and washed eventually, but quite a hassle.

 

Food so far: “Breakfast” (circa 12 am) : 200 calorie bowl of frozen grapes “Lunch” (circa 5 pm) : 100 calories of deli turkey, one 100 calorie yoghurt Sure-let’s-call-it-dinner(eating it now): 40 crackers (if I don’t run out of crackers which I may well), 56 pieces of pepperoni (if I don’t run out of pepperoni, which I probably won’t).

 

OM. NOM. NOM. Okay, not the classiest dinner, but I have a feeling it will finally kick those pepperoni cravings that have been creeping up on me. And it was a surprise that could only be called TOTALLY FRIGGING AWESOME that my favorite food of all time can TOTALLY be eaten while I’m dieting!  Okay, I had this realization a few days ago, but I forgot about it.  So I’m sharing it now.  Pepperoni.  Comes in 130 calorie servings.  Tell your friends.

 

 

And what is the total of this INSANE AMOUNT OF PEPPERONI FLAVOR AND ALSO SOME OTHER FOOD EARLIER IN THE DAY?

 

1480 calories.  Goal: 1500.

 

*puts on sunglasses* Ohhhhhh yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

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Day 7

Day 7 of my diet and I came closer to derailing than I’d ever come before.  

 

Today was really hard for me because I was spending it with friends who are both 17 year old boys, and they can eat ANYTHING, and kept encouraging me to eat more. I went a little off plan at dinner, but I’m proud to say that even thought I wanted to eat a ton more after that, I didn’t. I’m currently curled up in bed with a diet coke, feeling grumpy and deprived, but still on plan.
1 yoghurt- 110 calories
1 small movie theater popcorn-500ish calories (best guesstimation given info I found on the web- if you know better, please tell)
Fried rice with peas and chicken- I’m going to say probably no more than 500, because it was cooked by someone trying to lose weight herself and I had a pretty small amount
Biscotti- 150

So, all in all, 1260 calories. Yeah, yeah, 60 over. Still, surprisingly good. And tomorrow’s a 1500 calorie day.  I can make it up then. 

One more upsetting thing, though: I had been pretty depressed most of the summer. A couple of days ago I started snapping out of it, and all of a sudden I find I’m hungry when I didn’t care what I ate before. I like feeling better, but I do not like the hunger. Grr. I really feel like I just want to eat the hell out of something.  I have an empty feeling.  I just want to be really full, which I haven’t been all week, and not feel physically gross due to hypoglycemia.  However, this is the price we pay for beauty I guess.  It’s like I once said when I found out my alcohol limit the hard way.  

 

“Ohhhhh, I threw up too much…  Well, at least I’ll be lovely and thin.”

 

Always look on the bright side.

 

Peace out,

 

NotanImp

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