The Journey of 1000 miles…

So the past 3 days have been pretty good. I’ve stuck to my eating plan and I even exercised last night. Tonight was open house at school and I didn’t get home from work until almost 8, so I was just too wiped out to work out. I am not going to lie, there is definitely temptation to abandon my plan throughout the day, and at certain times my brain is totally in sabotage mode and saying “screw it, wouldn’t a pizza taste good right now…wouldn’t it be nice to order dominos when you get home?” However, I’m really relying on the other voice inside me that keeps telling myself “how long are you going to let yourself live like this, really?” “where do you really want to be in 90 days?” It’s 87 days now actually…I think every ten days will be like some sort of milestone reaching up to 90 days, you know? So my big concern right now is the weekend…my husband will be home tomorrow night until sunday night, and my stepson will be here as well. It is pretty easy for me to keep tempting foods out of the house during the week, but weekends are a different story. My husband is one of those people who tends to on the spur of the moment while he is driving home pick up wendy’s or a half gallon of ice cream, or a yummy bottle of wine…and he’ll think he’s doing something nice for me, and that makes it even more difficult to say no. I’ve got to talk to him this weekend face to face about what is going on with me and what I’m trying to do here, and let him know that if he wants junk food, he’s going to have to eat it somewhere else, cause I just can’t deal with it, it is not on my sober eating plan. Thankfully last weekend we did go apple picking and I have like a whole bushel of apples in the refridgerator which my husband and stepson both love to have as snacks…so maybe we can ALL stick to healthy snacks this weekend and leave the chips and cookies and ice cream at the store. I need to go to the library too and pick up a couple good books…having a good book to read usually distracts me from night-time eating temptations. Watching tv can be a total pitfall for me, I just get these impulses that if I’m watching a movie or a show, I should be putting something in my mouth. I have to tell you I’ve been drinking so much water lately just cause I’m so used to grazing on food and putting something in my mouth every five minutes (exaggeration…slightly). So having a full water bottle is a good substitute. I’m going to really try to get out there and exercise this weekend too, it is supposed to be good weather, so getting out there and moving will hopefully keep my mind out of the refrigerator too. Btw, I weighed myself last night just to get one accurate weigh in so I know my starting point…and then I don’t plan on weighing myself again until 90 days are up, but anyway, I am 185 pounds…which is 2 pounds less than the last time I weighed myself a few weeks ago, despite all the bingeing in between. Must be because I’m back to work and on my feet all day and going up and down the stairs in the school all the time. Over the summer I was pretty much in “takin it easy” mode all the time. I was expecting that I had gained a few pounds since feeling so bloated but the bloated feeling is probably just a result of TOM coming up. My long term goal is to make it to 140 pounds …eventually…hopefully in the course of this school year. I’m five foot ten, so 140 is a good weight for me I think, and I have been comfortable before at that weight….but the next 87 days is all about focusing on behavior changes and sticking to my eating plan, if I lose some weight that’s great and I think I will lose some, but I’m not too focused on the numbers right now. Ok, so I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 23rd, 2010 | No Comments »

Ok, so today was my 2nd day of “sober eating”. I think I’m doing pretty well so far, 88 more days to go til I hit my 90 day benchmark. Every time I’m tempted I keep thinking to myself, “where do you want to be in 90 days?”, “do you want 90 days to go by and you are still this heavy and feeling awful, or do you want 90 days to go by and you are feeling better and some of this weight has come off?” Cuz 90 days is going to go by anyway, right? I bought a really cheap mp3 player at CVS, and I’m going to download (or is it upload??) some music on it tonight and go for a walk. I can’t deal with walking without music, it is just too boring. I figure I’ll walk for a few weeks to get back into the exercise groove, and then I’ll try to face the gym again, I haven’t been there in quite some time really. I also bought some “convenience dinners” at stop & shop on my way home from work. I’ve never been one who really likes those lean cuisine type meals, except for the mini pizza ones which I could probably put away four of in one sitting. Anyway, I steered away from the mini pizzas but picked up some of the sweet and sour chicken with rice & vegetable meals. They were on sale, so I figured if I hated them, it wasn’t too big of a loss. They are only 300 calories each, so I can fit them into my under 1500 calorie plan. Anyway, I always find myself stressing out about dinner…breakfast and lunch are so much easier to deal with, I don’t have to cook anything or use many ingredients,and then I just have fruit for snacks so that is a no brainer…but I never am sure what to eat for dinner cause my husband works out of town during the week on a construction project that is out of state, so it is just me for dinner mon-fri. Also, I’m always really beat after work, and preparing a meal seems exhausting and way too much effort, so I usually end up just grazing on a whole bunch of different things all evening until i am way too full. It was a relief to have an already put together low calorie meal that I could just zap in the microwave. I know that lean cuisine is not necessarily the healthiest thing ever, but it is better than my binge foods for sure, and it is only 300 calories for a dinner entree, that’s workable. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve got to sort of merge healthy with convenience if this is going to work for me. I know that there are so many “whole foods” that are the best to eat, but I just don’t have the time to prepare those things, nor do I want to make the effort when I am tired and hungry. Fruits and veggies are good and easily accessible as snacks, individual greek yogurts are good with a little granola mixed in for breakfast, i also like one of those morningstar soy chicken patties on a low cal wheat bun for lunch. For me, I’ve decided these next 88 days of healthy eating has also got to be convenient eating, cause stress triggers bingeing for me. The more guesswork I can take out of this, the better.

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 22nd, 2010 | No Comments »

I just want to first say thank you to people who commented on what I wrote yesterday, I really really appreciate your words of support and the fact that you took the time to comment. Hearing words of encouragement from others is so powerful and makes me feel so grateful for the fact that there ARE so many kind people around. Ok, so I’ll stop being so mushy, it just struck me is all. Anyway, I’ve been feeling pretty down about my weight and my struggles with food, and yesterday was definitely like a breaking point. It helped that I had a therapy appointment, so I could kind of air everything that was going on, and I’ve never been so candid with someone face to face about my eating as I was in my therapist’s office yesterday evening. I’ve talked about my eating issues many times, but I was never so open, because I always felt so ashamed and I kind of skirted around the particulars…like I have to keep all the humiliating details deep inside my own private hell. I haven’t even told my husband this stuff…I mean of course he knows I struggle with eating and get depressed, but he doesn’t know about all the awful all night binges and sneaking food, and the uncontrollable urges to stuff my face every time I feel hunger, or the fact that I am like literally fearful of hunger, it makes me go into a panic to feel it coming on, or that I make up excuses to not go places or see people because of my weight. I try to hide a lot of this stuff from him, or I mean maybe he’s figured some of it out, but it’s not something I want to address with him. Anyway, it was sort of freeing to finally tell someone face to face the really gritty details of my day to day struggle with compulsive overeating, however, when I left her office I really didn’t know if I was up for trying to diet again ever, and I felt pretty defeated and depressed still. Last night before I went to bed I was watching that show “intervention”, and something that the intervention therapist said to the addicted person really struck me. He was presenting her with the option of treatment, and she asked how long she would have to go to treatment for, and he told her “90 days”, after he said this she looked pretty forlorn, and began to complain that this was too long… and he then said “90 days is going to pass either way”…I don’t recall what was said after that, but I was kind of struck by his last comment…that the time is going to pass anyway, but how are you going to pass that time, what are you going to do with it? It made me think about myself…and how I keep putting off losing weight, or skirting around it, or sabotaging my efforts and having to start over. So I’m committing to 90 days of “sober eating”, which for me means staying away from my trigger foods, not buying them or having them in the house at all, and staying under 1500 calories each day, exercising when I can. I feel like 90 days makes sense…which is probably why they use this timeframe for addicts…it is enough time for significant changes to occur physically, emotionally, and with regards to behavior.I’m not pushing myself to exercise every day, I’ve been in this “all or nothing” thinking, where I have to exercise every day or just forget exercising at all, or where I have to eat all these “healthy foods” that I don’t even really like just because they are somehow “superfoods” or have lots of fiber or antioxidants or are supposed to suppress appetite. I will eat healthy foods that I like and that are not trigger foods, and I will exercise as much as I feel like I can. I will do this for 90 days and take it “one day at a time” I am giving myself permission to say “no” to going out to drinks with colleagues since I know having a drink makes me want to eat something. I will say no to cake on birthdays and going out to dinner and to junk food in the workplace. It is really a relief to give myself permission to opt out of these things right now, because they provoke so much anxiety for me when I’m first trying to stay on a plan. I feel like I should go out to eat with a friend, so I give in and go, even though I know it will be an absolute minefield for me, I’ll probably end up going off plan, or I’ll be white-knuckling it the whole way through. It is ok to make plans to go for a walk or watch a movie or go windowshopping or whatever. I’m restructuring my social activities so that they don’t fall during meal times. I can do this for 90 days, and then maybe I can do it beyond that. I feel like it is kind of like an experiment…if I stick to this plan for 90 days and I am still not getting anywhere, then I am going to speak to a doctor about other options. I’m not weighing myself for the next 90 days either, I’m just going to go with how my clothes fit, cause I feel like for these upcoming months it is going to be way more about changing my behavior than what the number on the scale says. However, with sticking to the under 1500 calories and moderate exercise for the next three months, I should see at least some weight dropping off, and if not, then I know it is time to reconsider and seek medical help and other avenues. I still feel really bummed out about how I look and the dumpy clothes I have to wear right now, but I also feel like I have a more clear purpose…not just this indefinite sort of weight loss goal.

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 21st, 2010 | 2 Comments »

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. There hasn’t been too much to say really…I feel like a total failure. I had a few good days and then it all went to crap with bingeing like crazy. I am back to work (I’m a teacher) and the pressure from the job and exhaustion and just general business doesn’t help, I feel like I’ll never make any good habits stick. I have to tell you that I am so, so uncomfortable in my skin right now. This is probably my heaviest weight ever, and I feel like I can’t stop eating. None of my clothes fit. I had to go to old navy and buy some sale clothes yesterday in a size that I am really depressed about. I almost feel like I’m too far gone to ever get a handle on this at all, like it is hopeless. I know that sounds pretty dramatic, but I have tried so many things, and I keep failing. I know I’ve mentioned it before but I’ve tried jenny craig, slimfast, dieting on my own (many, many times), diet pills, restrictive eating, even hypnotherapy. The past three years have been totally depressing. I’ve just gotten bigger and bigger to where I am just super, super uncomfortable, and I don’t feel capable of doing anything about it, it feels like it is so out of my control and that I can’t change. I don’t know what to do at this point. It is really humiliating to talk about to anyone, and it is definitely impacting my social life, I don’t want to go anywhere or see any friends being this big, it sucks, I feel so inhibited and like I am holding myself back from so many experiences. I hate this…

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 20th, 2010 | 1 Comment »

Ok, so I haven’t posted anything in weeks. I got off on a pretty good start at the beginning of August, and then I went into an emotional tailspin due to some personal issues and everything to do with being healthy and dieting kind of went off the rails if you know what I’m saying. However, I’m feeling better and the past week I have really been making an effort to be proactive about getting my health and weight under control. I’ve exercised four out of the past five days and have stuck to six small healthy meals each day, for a total of about 1300 calories a day. I read somewhere that you shouldn’t go under about 1300 calories as it will set your body up for going into some type of starvation mode and that can throw everything haywire. It seems to be working so far, I feel pretty highly motivated right now. I even went into the grocery store last night as I needed to buy paper towels and pick up a few more grapefruits and yogurts…going into the grocery store by myself can be a REALLY big trigger for me as I start getting really tempted to buy some “binge” foods and start rationalizing to myself all the reasons why I deserve a binge, and how it doesn’t really matter and I’ll start over tomorrow…but last night I went into the store, picked up the stuff I had intended to pick up, and was not tempted to buy anything else. I know this will not always be the case and that in the long haul of dieting and developing a healthier lifestyle I will be faced with challenging temptations in regards to food…but it was nice to know I could pull off going into the grocery store alone and not coming out with a bunch of junky food. Something else, I usually end up going on my “grocery binges” on my way home from work, as I am tired and hungry and my body seems to be crying out for lots of tasty comforting food…however, this past week I have purposefully rerouted my trip home from work so that I don’t drive by the store anymore on my way home and don’t have to fight the urge to put my blinker on and  pull into the Shaws parking lot. It is kind of like that out of sight out of mind idea, if I’m not driving by the store on my way home, in time hopefully I won’t be obsessing about whether or not to have an afternoon binge. Also, I make sure I have a healthy snack waiting for me at home so that I can have something to eat as that late afternoon time of day is always tough for me. Yet since this past week I have been eating much more fruits and veggies, I think the extra fiber is actually helping me to stay fuller longer and I am not getting that awful gnawing stomach emptiness at the end of the day that makes it so hard to resist overeating to quiet that feeling. Of course I have to keep taking one day at a time, and 5 successful days in a row does not mean a whole lot in the long run, but it is a start and I hope I can stay on track.

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 2nd, 2010 | 3 Comments »

So I am thinking about joining weight watchers…like today. I have felt my motivation going up and down the past couple of days, and my emotional eating really kicked me in the ass yesterday and I had an awful binge, I feel awful today, physically and emotionally/spiritually. It is so interesting how what I eat and how much I eat affects not only my weight and physical health, but also affects my mood. Junk food just makes me feel crappy inside, especially large quantities of it. When I eat well though, I feel happier. Anyway, I think I REALLY need to have some more support and accountability on this journey. I have been sharing my situation with family/friends, but I think I really need to have the support of some people who are going through the same thing, or have gone through it before. I hope it helps, I mean I’ve tried many things before, I’ve been on Jenny Craig (super expensive!!), Nutrisystem (oh my god the food gave me the worst gastrointestinal distress!!), Slimfast (just awful) and lots of variations of winging it on my own. I even tried that silly lemonade cleanse that all the celebs rave about, I think I lasted about six hours on that before I ended up eating an entire frozen pizza. It is so frustrating to keep trying and keep backsliding, but I know it is my fault. For whatever reason I am having a lot of trouble sticking to something, and I’m not sure if it is just laziness, or that on some level I don’t really want to change, but I feel like I really, really DO want to change. This current lifestyle definitely isn’t working, maybe it’s just having been like this for so long…I can’t really see any other way. Well, I’m not giving up so easy, I’m searching online right now for a WW meeting in my area, I’ll update on how it goes.

Filed under: Uncategorized on August 11th, 2010 | 2 Comments »

Ok, so I got this (not so crazy?) idea to start a blog about this weight loss journey that I am starting today. I used to write quite often as an “angst ridden” teenager and found it to be helpful, and at times cathartic. I guess I feel like if you write, or type, (whatever the case may be) what is going on, how you are feeling, hopes, goals, expectations sometimes it is easier to process and make sense of these things. It also may provide a greater sense of accountability. Anyway, this is my attempt at recording this process, of putting it out there, perhaps if I make no secret of this weight loss attempt, if I shout it, live it, love it, perhaps it will be more successful? There is that saying that you are only as sick as your secrets, and I feel like up until this point I’ve been very, very secretive about my weight loss attempts, I feel embarrassed, like I don’t want anyone to know and I have to hide what I’m trying to do. Well, what exactly am I hiding? I mean anyone who looks at me can see that I’m overweight, and nobody is going to be shocked to hear that I’m on a diet. By keeping it to myself I think I may have been denying myself a certain measure of support, and also accountability.

I weighed myself today for the first time in months…what a rush!! Not in a great exciting way exactly, but psyching myself up to get on the scale is always an adrenaline pumping event and although I’m always scared shitless to get my fat butt on there, there is usually a “whoosh” of relief after I’ve finally faced up to the number. Of course that relief is mingled with regret, and some self-loathing. Knowing is better than not knowing though I guess, and I have to face up to the reality of the number and what it means as far as my size/health/sell-esteem. So the magic number is 187 pounds…yikes! At my most comfortable weight I was 140 pounds, and that is the number I’d like to journey towards. I know that it will take some time to reach this number, and this time I’d really like to maintain the weight when I lose it. I’m tired of bingeing and starving and the emotional rollercoaster that goes with that type of behavior. I just turned 30 and I want to be serious about getting healthy all around…I know everyone always says it’s not about weight loss, it is about a “lifestyle change” and it gets kind of old hearing that over and over, but the cliche seems to be true. I don’t believe that I will successfully lose this weight and keep it off unless I make changes in my daily behavior. The actual weight loss may be strictly about calories in vs. calories out, but my mind/behaviors have oh so many evil tricks for sabotaging that weight loss, of stopping it in it’s tracks, of throwing the whole program out the window. I don’t just want to be thin, I want to be healthy, I want to FEEL better as well as look better. One thing about weight loss though is that it can feel very overwhelming, especially when you have something like 50 pounds to lose as I do. It is hard not to feel like you can’t be happy or don’t deserve to like yourself until you are a certain weight that is somehow acceptable. Well, I do want to be that certain weight, but I’m going to like myself now, I’m going to enjoy today, and tomorrow and the next day while I’m on this weight loss journey. I’m allowed to be happy now and every step of the way, life is short, we can’t waste time holding off being happy “until this or that”. It is like that story of the guy being chased by the tiger, and he’s running and falls off a cliff and is hanging on to a branch while the tiger looks down from above the cliff. Then he looks down and there is another tiger on the ground below the cliff snarling up at him. He is knows he is going to die, yet as he realizes this he sees hanging from the branch a plump red strawberry. While the man is hanging there, certain of impending death, he reaches out and picks the strawberry and pops it into his mouth. It is the sweetest most juicy strawberry he has ever tasted. I’m going to treat every day like that strawberry from now on, enjoy each day, suck the juice out of it, find those moments of mindfulness to be happy as you never know which moment/day will be your last. Wow, my first blog entry is chock full of cliches, oh well.

Filed under: Uncategorized on August 6th, 2010 | No Comments »