The Journey of 1000 miles…

Ok, so it has been a very, very long time since I’ve posted on here. I think my last post was in perhaps October or November? At any rate, in the time that has passed I have lost 50 pounds, and my life has changed dramatically. It is valuable for me to go back and read my previous posts, because I don’t want to forget that struggle, that pain that I dealt with while being overweight and unhealthy, and unhappy. It was such a difficult time for me mentally and emotionally and physically, and it took major effort and sweat to make a change. I applaud everyone who is on this site blogging and making changes, no matter where they are in their weight loss or fitness journey. I am so grateful for everyone who has helped me along the way, and I want to recognize where I started from, as well as the progress I have made. I think the turning point for me was when I finally gave in and joined weight watchers at the end of october. Having to weigh in weekly and be accountable was huge for me, as was the group support that I received by attending weight watchers meetings, and the information on nutrition and exercise that I received. I loved receiving the pamphlets every week with delicious yet healthy and low cal recipes that were easy. I definitely relied on these during the holiday season. I brought weight watchers entrees and desserts to thanksgiving, christmas, new years, holiday parties, etc. It was like a life raft for me, to have a plan that made me feel in control of my choices, and not deprived. I also started an exercise routine. I began doing circuit training, using the free videos that Comcast offers on demand through exercise tv. I found that circuit training is the most effective and efficient exercise for me to burn calories, shed fat, and build muscle. I also started doing the Leslie Sanson walk at home dvds on my recovery days, and yoga. I LOVE the Leslie dvds, she has such a positive attitude, and makes you feel so good and motivated. Yoga has also been incredible for me, it has made me so much more aware and appreciative of my physical body, and accepting of this body. It makes me want to be good to myself and has helped me gain perspective. Ok, so I’m just sharing my results here… I feel awesome, and I am living my life now, rather than shying away from it because of my weight. I used to feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, and that has all changed. I look forward to and am proactive about doing things with friends and family, getting out there and being active, etc. I used to avoid family events, avoid dealing with people in general because I felt like junk about my weight, and I was depressed. Now I feel like I have the confidence to look anyone in the eye and have a conversation with them and be positive. I wish all of you the best of luck on your own personal journeys, and of course I am still on mine, it is an ongoing process, to maintain health and fitness, and it is a choice that I must make each day, to be my best self.

Filed under: Uncategorized on July 13th, 2011 | 2 Comments »

oh yes… and counting!!

Filed under: Uncategorized on November 20th, 2010 | 3 Comments »

So it is two weeks of healthy eating now and no bingeing…as I said I am not using the scale to determine progress, but I’m very impressed with this whole overhaul I’ve done to my diet…I’m eating so very healthy and enjoying it…so I have to give myself props for all my really healthy food choices the past two weeks. Also, I can feel that pants are getting looser, so that tells me that I am starting to lose a little weight. It is always around two or three weeks in though where I start sabotaging and feel like giving up…but before that was usually cause I wasn’t really seeing the scale budge much and I would always think “what’s the point, I tried and my weight hasn’t budged, so what am I killing myself for with this??” Now however, the main goal isn’t weight loss, but instead is having a healthy lifestyle, so I have definitely progressed BIG TIME on making healthy changes to my diet, and incorporating exercise with walking. Ok, well that’s about it for now, can’t wait to watch the biggest loser tonight! I’ve also been watching “Thintervention” on Bravo, but I have to say I prefer Jillian Michaels to Jackie Warner…Jackie seems a little unstable, yet motivating nonetheless and she has great tips for diet and exercise. Hope everyone is having a good week so far and staying strong, we can do this!!!

Filed under: Uncategorized on October 5th, 2010 | 1 Comment »

So, this is ten days on sober eating. I’ve been doing pretty well I think, no binges. I even exercised four times this week. I’ve been eating mostly organic and natural foods too, and cutting out A LOT of sugar, most sugar. What I’m starting to notice though is that I am super pissed off!!! I’m not getting my fix of sugary foods anymore and it is really affecting my mood, I feel really irritable/short tempered. I’m mostly eating whole foods like fruits, vegetables, and some nuts (raw almonds). I’ve also been eating a slice of sprouted grain bread with a tablespoon of natural peanut butter for breakfast and half a grapefruit…then later on I have an apple as a snack and 1/4 cup of raw almonds. For lunch I’m having a big spinach salad with one tablespoon of annie’s lite natural dressing and 1/4 cup of sliced almonds, with a tablespoon of humus and a serving of carrot sticks or broccoli on the side. Later in the day for an afternoon snack I’ve been having another apple. Dinner is a Boca vegan gardenburger (no bun) with another spinach salad (no almonds on the dinner salad). Then later on for a snack before bed (I can’t sleep if my stomach is too empty) I’ve been having another half grapefruit or one of those all natural dairy free frozen soy mini bars, they are pretty good, don’t taste like an ice cream sandwich at all, but all the same a nice treat. They’re only 90 calories too. I feel like I have a lot of energy eating these foods, and I don’t want to oversleep anymore like I always did when I was eating crap. I also don’t really feel like I want to overeat right now. I’m trying to be really, really aware of my hunger and of when I’m wanting food…and if I’m actually physically hungry, it is ok to have a little something. However, I’m just having a small amount of something, and then checking in with my hunger again. Usually after either a glass of water and/or a small piece of something to eat I feel satisfied. I’m realizing that I don’t need to eat as much food at each sitting to satisfy my hunger as I was doing before. My hunger always felt so overwhelming, and like I needed this big pile of food to sate that feeling. I don’t though…I can just have a little bit of something, and the discomfort of the hunger goes away. Then, if I get hungry again later, I’ll have a little something else. This is why I’m not having my meals/snacks on a real schedule, I mean I always seem to be hungry when I wake up so I eat breakfast right away,but dinner can be earlier or later in the evening depending on if I’m really hungry or not, and snacks throughout the day can be when I need them. Depriving myself all the time just seemed to perpetuate that screwed up relationship with food that I’ve always had…and each stretch of deprivation always led to an equal and opposite binge. Right now I feel like with my fridge stocked with healthy foods that I actually enjoy eating I’m making good choices about food…and I’m just telling myself if I’m hungry and I really need a little something in my stomach, I can have it. I’m hoping that by trying to relax around food and reduce ,and eventually put an end to, that binge/starvation anxiety that I can foster that good relationship with food and self. I have to trust myself, by always telling myself that I had no control around food, I was just like giving myself permission to binge and overeat. If I can keep food in perspective and view it as something that is nourishing and tasteful, but stop using it as a reward or to deal with emotions, then I’ll be on the road to recovery. Right now though this sugar withdrawal is turning me into a big b*tch!

Filed under: Uncategorized on October 1st, 2010 | No Comments »

So, I’ve read on several people’s here that they really enjoy the show The Biggest Loser. I’d never actually watched the show before, but I have a general idea of what it is about and what’s involved. Anyway, I decided to check out the recent on demand episodes from the new season. As many people on here have stated, the show is very inspiring, however, it was also stunning and saddening. They had contests in different cities to see which people would be able to join the show, and so there was this huge crowd in each city that turned out, and when I say huge crowd, I mean HUGE crowd. It just struck me by how sooooo many people are overweight and obese. I mean I know you read about it all the time in the paper and hear on the news about the obesity epidemic, but I always kind of half tune that stuff out as I have been in denial about my own fat self for quite some time. Well, it was hard to ignore when crowds of people showed up in every city and most of them were significantly overweight. I thought to myself as I was watching the show that I don’t want to be part of this nationwide problem anymore, I want to be part of the solution. I watched the people on the show struggle to complete 500 steps, or to run a mile…collapsing on the ground as their bodies gave out on them. Although some of them were a lot bigger than me, I know how that feels because I am completely out of shape and have no endurance physically…it is frightening for me and saddening to know how easily I get winded. I know there are many theories about why obesity is so much on the rise, and I guess it is hard to pinpoint the reasons, but the scary thing is that it is definitely a cycle, and that although most of those people in the crowd that they interviewed had good intentions and sounded like they really wanted to lose weight from what they said, sadly most of them won’t change and will stay the same or keep getting bigger even. All those obese parents are fostering habits in their kids that may very well lead to obesity for them as well. I don’t have any kids of my own yet, my husband has a ten year old son from a previous relationship, and we would like our own kids probably something we’d be trying to work on in the next year or so…however, I don’t want to pass on my current lifestyle to another human being…I need to get handle on my weight and food issues before I can have a child. If I don’t, there is a strong likelihood that my child will grow up facing the same struggles with food and weight that I did, and I would never want that. I hope that America as a nation is really able to make a change, and to get this problem under control somehow, but the outlook is kind of dismal…I know how difficult it is to lose weight and to stick to healthy habits and not to get defeated, and I’m sure collectively as a group all of us overweight folks area dealing with many of the same physical and emotional struggles. If losing and maintaining weight was easy we’d all be skinny I guess but it takes hard work and it takes mindfulness and I just hope I can stay committed this time, I want to so much.

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 30th, 2010 | No Comments »

Ok, so if I haven’t already mentioned this I am a teacher, and I work with students with emotional behavioral disabilities. Most of the time I really enjoy this job, but sometimes it is trying, and it is always sort of exhausting. Anyway to get right to the point, a student who was having a giant tantrum today turned his anger on me and began repeatedly calling me fat in many different variations, mostly “f**cking fat a** b*tch” though. I’m sure you can figure that out through the asteriks. So, in the past when any students have referred to my weight it really really got to me, and today it didn’t feel good, don’t get me wrong, but it didn’t get under my skin the same way…I don’t take much that the students say and do personally, but comments about my weight have always really gotten under my skin in the past. I think the awareness that I’ve been working on and the acceptance of who I am and the changes I’m working on made it easier for me to deal with the comments today constructively. After the student was gone I took some deep breaths, talked to an understanding co-worker about the situation, and then went home and had my healthy dinner with lots of water and allowed myself to get lost in a tv show for a while. I didn’t fall into any mindless eating, or eating to soothe my hurt feelings. However, it was kind of a motivator in a way to be called fat like 90 different ways…I kept thinking, “yeah, well I won’t be fat for long, and then you’ll have to come up with some new insults!!” One day I’ll just be a regular b*tch, not a fat a** b*tch…lol. I’m going to go take a bath and forget about the day some more. Oh yeah, I got up early again and walked this morning! I’m walking off my fat a**, one day at a time…

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 29th, 2010 | 1 Comment »

So just an update, I did it, I threw out my scale!!! I realize some people may think that this is a poor decision or that I will regret it or that having a scale is important to staying accountable, and I totally believe that whatever works for you is great and I think you should do what works, but having a scale was NOT working for me. It felt totally, totally liberating to throw that scale in the dumpster and be done with it. I don’t want anyone to misunderstand me though, just because I ditched the scale does not mean that I’m going to be in denial about my weight problem, or that I’m going to ignore it and just eat whatever I want now because I don’t have to think about the number associated with my weight. I am committed to staying on my sober eating plan, and to changing my lifestyle and losing weight. I just don’t need a scale to do it. I believe that is entirely possible for me to lose weight without the scale. There are just too many emotional ups and downs for me associated with weighing myself on the scale. My goal is to fit into my size eight jeans again…when I can zip up those jeans again, I’ll know I’m at the right weight for me, and as my current size 14 clothes get looser and I can fit into some of my smaller sizes, I’ll know I am making progress. If the size 14s don’t budge in due time, I’ll know I have to tweak something. I am really excited also about getting acquainted with feeling hungry and feeling satisfied but not full. I have been stuffing my face for so long every time I felt the “hint” of hunger, that I haven’t known any other way to be. I have been eating healthy, natural or organic foods for the past few days and plan to keep incorporating more and more of these foods into my diet. I don’t want to eat junky synthetic, artificial food anymore, I mean treats are fine every now and again in small amounts but I want organic or all natural treats. I have found foods that are organic and flavorful and healthy for me and that is what I am being drawn to right now. I think that if I can eat these foods without bingeing, without overeating or eating past being satisfied, then I will lose weight over time, and best of all hopefully I can finally make peace with my emotional issues with food and stop the binge cycle. I want to enjoy food, but not obsess over it, or obsess over abstaining from it anymore. I want to put food in the proper perspective and enjoy a healthy relationship with food and with my body. So I am hopeful that in tossing out that scale it can be a metaphor for tossing out my old attitude about food. This journey is truly getting interesting and kind of exciting. I’m still fat but I’m not despairing of it anymore, and I have faith that this will change as I change… I wonder what will happen next…

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 28th, 2010 | 1 Comment »

So I actually exercised this morning!! I haven’t exercised in any structured way on purpose in over a month I think… anyway, I’ve been wanting to try exercising before going to work, because after work i am just too burnt out, however every morning I set my alarm early, and every morning I have seemed to find a good reason to reset the alarm and go back to sleep. This morning was different though…when the alarm first went off I had no intention of getting up, but then as I lay there for about ten minutes trying to go back to sleep, I realized I wasn’t really tired anymore. So I decided the heck with it, I’d get up and give it a  go. I attempted a few minutes of one of the Jillian Michaels workout videos from On Demand, but quickly realized it was way too high impact for 6am, my back has been bothering me a lot lately too and there were exercises that were going to be straining my back so I just couldn’t do it. So instead I got my mp3 player, put on my sweats and went out for an early morning walk. I walked for a little over 30 minutes, which was good, and then came back and got ready for work. I think I can manage a walk in the morning a few times a week for now…I think at this point in my journey the point is to get exercising, it doesn’t really matter what type of exercise as long as I am moving my body…after a while when my confidence increases perhaps I’ll get invested in a more structured workout, but for right now walking feels just about manageable and for me it is important to have something I’ll actually be able to stick with. Just like my eating/calorie plan. I may not be making a 180 degree change right away, but even if I make a 90 degree change, i’ll be better off in a few months.

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 28th, 2010 | No Comments »

Ok, so I am happy to report that I did pretty well staying with my sober eating plan over the weekend. Friday night, Saturday, Saturday night and Sunday during the day I made very very healthy choices. Sunday night I did eat a few extra calories, but i came in about 1700 calories for the day, I’m shooting for under 1500 calories a day, so 1700 wasn’t a tragedy or anything. Sunday nights are just really hard because that is when my husband drives back to work in Delware for the week and I feel kind of at loose ends. It is also that transition time between the end of the weekend and the start of the work week, so I’ve got to work on a strategy for Sunday nights. Anyway, I think I did really well overall, this is the longest I’ve gone without a binge in quite some time. I know that I am not out of the woods and that there will be binges in the future at some point, but at least I’m hoping by then to have enough time under my belt with making good choices, and enough perspective that I won’t let a binge throw my whole plan off and make me give up. So it has been 7 days on my plan, and it feels really good so far. I haven’t been on the scale since I checked my weight last Tuesday, but the size 14 pants that had been starting to feel kinda tight on me have since loosened up and feel normal, so that is a good sign that there is some progress being made. I think I might throw my scale out all together. It is a scary thought in a way, but I mean I get weighed at pretty regular intervals at my primary care doctor, and also at gyno visits…so at least every six months I’m stepping on the scale, and in between if I’m really honest with myself, when my pants start getting tighter I know I’m putting on weight and there is a problem. I don’t really need a scale to let me know that when I’m popping buttons and busting seams and there are rolls spilling over the top of my jeans that I’ve got to cut back on the calories and step up the activity. I actually read the book “Skinny B*tch” over the weekend, I went to the library to take out a few books and that was one of them. Although there was a lot of information in the book that seemed inaccurate or misguided, and things that I took with a grain of salt, there was a lot of things that made sense about their stance on eating organic food. It was a bit eye opening to read about all the chemicals and refined flour and sugar that we eat, and the potential that it has to wreak havoc on our health and weight. I mean of course I know that even though something is “organic” it still has just as many calories or more as the non-organic version, organic cookies are still cookies and still fattening, however, it does make sense that all the bleached and refined sugar and flour and weird chemicals and hormones that we ingest can contribute to putting on weight. So I think I’d like to read more on eating organic and all natural foods, because I feel like I’d like more info on the benefits before I go out and start buying more of this stuff, which can be more pricey, but all the same it could be something good to explore. I also met with my therapist this evening after work. I talked about this issue I have where if I’m staying in the “acceptable” calorie range, and when I do this I usually feel at least vaguely hungry, that I’m okay…however, if I go over that range and eat enough that I feel “satisfied” but not full or like I’ve overeaten, then I get really stressed out…and then I feel compelled to eat a bunch of food until I am stuffed. It is like I’m only comfortable with extremes, either hungry, or stuffed. I don’t understand or I’m not familiar with that feeling of “just enough”. I really think it goes back to when I was a kid, my mother who had her own severe issues with food as I’ve come to realize, was such a control freak about food and about what I ate. I never had any weight problems until I was about 16 or 17 and was actually very thin as a kid but she was always watching and restricting what I ate, so that while I was growing I never felt like I had enough to eat based on what she fed me and I always felt hungry, like gnawing in my stomach hungry where I couldn’t sleep sometimes. I was a girl who grew to be 5 foot ten by the time I was 13, I definitely needed a fair amount of good food but my stomach was always half empty on the portions she allowed me…in response to this when she was out of the house or asleep or in the shower I would sneak into the fridge and cabinets and stuff myself with food cause I didn’t know when the next time I’d be able to have enough to eat was. So I never got familiar with the feeling of being “satisfied” and of choosing to eat enough to suit my hunger in a relaxed and supportive setting. It was always feast or famine to me. The challenge now I think is to work on the anxiety I feel about eating enough to be satisfied without overeating. It just isn’t something I’ve ever done and felt comfortable with. Anyway, I’m happy to be creating a more mindful attitude about these issues and working on them, it is all part of the journey.

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 27th, 2010 | No Comments »

So here it is the weekend is here…historically weekends are dieting failures for me, and then tend to throw me off track for monday/tuesday as well, and then I feel like crap about the whole think and just tank dieting for a while. Anyway, I am trying to avoid that cycle this weekend and not make the same mistakes. My sister is coming over to watch a movie tonight, and I asked her not to bring any snacks but that I have fruit/veggies here for snacking. She is fine with this…my husband however is a different story. He was not psyched to come home for the weekend and find only healthy food and water in the fridge (he works out of state during the week as project engineer on a construction project). He just stated that he was “going out to get something to eat”. I asked him to please only get enough for himself, and that it would be great if he could eat it in his car or something rather than bringing it back here. He also wanted to get some wine, and I put my foot down on that too. I feel like kind of an a-hole here, but I know it is going to be better and benefit everyone if I can get healthier, and I kind of need to be fanatical right now about keeping bad stuff out of the house, at least until some time passes and I gain more confidence with being able to regulate my eating. Ok, well I’ll post tomorrow night or sunday and update on how I’m doing. If I can get through this first weekend staying on my sober eating plan, I think the weekends after this will get a little easier. It just sometimes feels bad and unfair when everyone around me is enjoying yummy/unhealthy stuff and I have to restrict myself…I have to keep my goals in mind and be mindful of the reason I’m doing this…a few minutes of eating somethng delicious isn’t better than feeling better about myself and being happier because my health is on track and my weight is down and my bingeing is under control.

Filed under: Uncategorized on September 24th, 2010 | 3 Comments »