A Fat Girl with a Dream

Just another 3fatchicks.com weblog

Can you believe. . . January 20, 2012

Filed under: Just Going Off — nocturneluna @ 9:43 am

Soon you will be healthy.
Soon you will be able to wear a bikini and not be worried about “fat.”
Soon people will look at you and say “You look great!”
Soon people won’t be able to make fun of you about your weight or use it against you in a fight.
Soon you will look at yourself differently.
Soon you will have confidence.
Soon you will feel right walking beside your stick of a boyfriend.
Soon you will be idolized by others.
Soon you will be checked out and hit on when you really never were.
Soon you will get married and get whatever dress you want.
Soon you can go to the store and get a size you are not ashamed of or afraid to let others see.
Soon you will be able to share clothes with your best friend.
Soon your family will make better changes in their lives because of you.
Soon you will be beautiful in your own eyes.

Soon. . .

Soon I will be everything I want to be and more.

 

Falling off the wagon January 17, 2012

Filed under: Just Going Off — nocturneluna @ 10:59 am

By far falling off hurts a lot. Your pride and your willpower go out the window and you can’t help but give up. That’s what happened to me the last couple of days, but at least I can be honest with myself and realize I wasn’t eating right. Sure, I wasn’t eating a overload of food but I certainly wasn’t eating the right foods. I think this whole new diet plan was just a bad idea in the first place so when I started eating bread again it all went down hill. I began to eat badly again and get the munchies like crazy just because of bread. And I explained how it is an ultimate comfort food but even if I knock it out completely I turn into an utter nutcase.

It all started when my boyfriend bought me out to dinner. Like an idea he bought me to a GRILL place. There were no salads and all I could possible get were burgers or fatty steaks. I was about to stab him and because we were with his dad and his family friend I had to keep my cool but I wasn’t at all happy. After we left I had a fit and finally went off on him. He doesn’t understand me when I say diet and just because I could have steak that didn’t help when I had them all eating bread from a bread bowl and the bread bowl was sitting right in front of me. I bugged out.

It was then I realized I needed to keep bread in my diet because I had just been getting crazy. Three days after that though I got furious with someone because they completely disrespected me and my feelings. As soon as that happened I went on a wild rampage of eating. I went and got chocolate bars from 7 eleven and I went and ate terrible things the next day after. I really can’t seem to keep my head level no matter what I do and exercise never happens because I don’t have a place to do it until about 10 pm at night.

I’m really bugging out a lot. It isn’t fair. I can’t stand this diet because it takes forever and I’m an emotional wreck all the time recently. I’m trying to keep my head up but in no time it’s back down.

Why do I have to deal with being fat? I’m a good person but. . . I realized if I never was fat, I wouldn’t know how to be a good person. Being teased and bullied in my younger years caused me to look for genuine people in my life (though some still absolutely suck). I realized that though I hate my fat, I need to learn to love it and I’m trying to for all the things it helped teach me.

This is such a hard journey.

But I want to make it through.

So i’m getting back on the wagon today, no worries. And I’ll do my best not to fall off again.

-Liz

Thanks to wanttoloseitall, RolyPolyPrincess, narnia99, susana, and 1ladiesjournal for commenting on my blogs. Please keep being so supportive and post up a url to your blog so I can find you too (if you haven’t already)! Bye now.

P.S. no Thursday weigh-in this week.

 

Back up a pound January 12, 2012

Filed under: Thursday Weigh-in — nocturneluna @ 7:28 pm

So I gained a pound this week but at least it wasn’t much. With being depressed I was not surprised. I really had no motivation this week so it was bound to happen. But now I’m going to work hard again this weekend considering I have some optimism back again. Thankfully. So this next week I’m going to start incorporating my exercises back into my life. Back when I was exercising last year I saw a huge improvement on my weight loss, so it’s definitely worth it.

So i’m going to do that, remain strict and keep myself at 1200 calories, try not to eat too much bread (since i’m bringing that back into my diet in small amounts), exercise, and paint. Yes, paint. I’m going to start painting because it keeps me from thinking too much about things like what is stressing me or food in general. I never get hungry when I paint and I guess it’s because my hands are constantly busy. Plus, I owe my brother the painting of the blue phoenix that he wants.

I’m a huge acrylics painter. I love doing it. So, I’m going to share a couple of my paintings from my painting class with you. Hope you like them. :)

Tigerrrr =)

Snow house

chickens in garden

Hope you like them.

So yeah, painting again since I didn’t this whole vacation.
I’m excited. :)

Thanks to audreyhepburn1981, misscatty, and unskinnygirl for commenting on my post. Hope to hear more from you and if you have blogs don’t hesitate to post them in a comment. I’d like to keep up with you too!

-Liz

 

Getting depressed sucks January 11, 2012

Filed under: Just Going Off — nocturneluna @ 10:05 am

A long week has passed of fighting with my boyfriend, making up, trying to get my transferring to a new school down and ready for me once I graduate my 2 year college next semester, weight loss and exercise, keeping up with friends, keeping up with myself and my family problems. . . All of it is taking it’s toll on me and my common depression during the winter is here in full force. I believe I have a seasonal bipolar problem. Now I could just be overthinking this but I believe it to be true.

Ever since the death of someone important to me in December of 2005, I’ve never been the same during this cold days and nights in New York. I mean, honestly, I’ve gotten passed the crying and have accepted the loss of the friend but I guess out of routine for the three years that passed before I finally did get over it, I haven’t been the same in winter. I used to love winter and never had a problem going out in the cold and now I hate it and hide away in my room like a pathetic soul. My body has been aching and all I keep doing is getting sick and getting hurt so exercise is impossible for me most of the time; I give up.

I realize I have issues but for some reason i just can’t get past them. I’m like a walking disaster during these times and I do nothing but take it out on my boyfriend and my family. I’m literally a nutcase and make the smallest problems or issues the biggest things in the world. It’s like someone killed my cat or something (speaking figuratively) and i’m just going crazy. Yesterday I was getting on my boyfriend’s case for bringing me out to dinner to a place that didn’t have any healthy choices. It’s not his fault he doesn’t understand diets because he has never had to be on one! And I understand that but my frustration flares and I go off on him. Though he was so good about it and apologized over and over again and told me that he will try to work better with me on my diet.

I just hate having to starve too through all of this. I’m an emotional eater and i’m starving myself during my time of most stress. Not literally starving but I’m not eating my comfort foods and thus my hunger is going all whacky too. I just want to be more confident, independent and better for myself and even for my boyfriend. He doesn’t deserve my craziness and yet he constantly gets the edge of my sword. I don’t know what to do. I’m a wreck recently and I can’t control it. The only reason i’m still on my diet is out of pure stubborness. I’m really on the edge of the cliff right now. :(

 

Hunger is Back in Full Force January 9, 2012

Filed under: Just Going Off — nocturneluna @ 1:12 pm

Today has been terrible with my diet. Though I haven’t over eaten or eaten bad my hunger came back with a¬†vengeance. I’m biting my lip just thinking about it. Hopefully work will distract me enough and I won’t do anything unnecessary there or after when i go out with my friend for coffee. I’m fiending for bread and it’s probably because of my emotions recently. They have been all over the place because I was fighting with my boyfriend for a couple of days and we finally resolved it all on friday, but i’m still depressed over the whole thing either way and I’m just trying to keep myself sane. Hunger and food was not an issue during the fighting but now it’s just getting bad.

I hate being an emotional eater.

Ugh.

-Liz

 

I won’t forget. January 7, 2012

Filed under: Just Going Off — nocturneluna @ 7:00 pm

Me at 240pds.This girl. . . This girl was me not too long ago. This was me at my heaviest weight. This isn’t me at 240, this was me even heavier I am guessing. I didn’t know my weight back then. I denied it and ignored it even though I should have noticed it and realized it sooner than I did. These were probably the only pictures really caught of my full body that still remain on facebook. I was big, I hated my body and I would avoid full body pictures at all costs because of it. Everyone always told me “You have such a pretty face” but nothing else. I would make the perfect face model for makeup artists, but not fully. I hated this me and it was a year after this I had decided to start paying attention to the way I felt about myself. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I was always depressed, even before I had my boyfriend, because I couldn’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I was capable of taking nice pictures but they had to be angled and had to just basically be from my bosom up. Yep, I was at an ultimate low.

In January of 2011 I had gotten determination. I had wrestled my hunger before this time around. I began losing weight and paying attention to my exercise. I was peeling off the pounds and by June of 2011 I had shed off 20 pounds. But it wasn’t coming off fast and by september I had only lost 40 pounds in 9 months. I was furious. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong or why I was at standstill at 200 pounds. I made it under 200 for a day and my excitement only lasted that long because 198 became 203 in no time. I was capable of keeping off the weight then. I stayed between 200 and 210 and I was struggling to make sure I didn’t gain anymore than that even though I basically gave up on my diet all of my fall semester.

This is me now. Well this was me a couple of weeks ago but it’s recent enough. Though I definitely see a huge improvement I am not exactly where I want to be. My ultimate goal one day is to become 130 pounds and to be happy in my own skin with a whole new lifestyle. I won’t lose weight and be cocky and I won’t lose myself and gain it back either. I want to be happy with myself for my friends sake, my boyfriend’s sake, my family’s sake, and my own. I deserve so much more than what I have given myself since I was in fourth grade. I just plummeted into my terrible eating habits as a kid during these lonely days of no friends and being a loner. Food was my comfort and it still is to this day.

I need to find a new comfort, something else to bring me up when I’m down. I need to change this inner fat self that I hang onto. I guess I’m afraid of change but I want it so badly at the same time. It’s time to take a stand and to have people finally tell me “My god you look gorgeous!” or “You look like you’ve lost so much weight!” or “You look healthy.”

I want to be healthy.
I want to be exactly where I want to be.
And I will get there.

I will.

-Liz

 

6 pounds off already! January 5, 2012

Filed under: Thursday Weigh-in — nocturneluna @ 9:50 am

It is Thursday the 5 of January and weigh-in day. Sooo, I’ve lost 6 pounds already. I am at 204 now and only 5 pounds to being under 200 once again! It’s only a matter of time and I’m really excited it. My first goal is to get under 200, then to get to 180, then get to 150 and after that eventually I want to be at 130. I’m hoping to make fast results this year and in 5 months for my graduation I want to be 40 -50 pounds lighter. I think it’s possible and I really am determined now.

This was just the first weigh in since my last. I was at 210 and going down 6 in a week is rather nice. Though I know most is probably water weight, I still am staying very optimistic. I’m so happy and excited for this new me. =)

Wish me luck all!

 

First post; the start of a new year. January 4, 2012

Filed under: Just Going Off — nocturneluna @ 11:26 am

Hey there everyone.

This is my first post on my blog ever. It’s funny because I haven’t used a blog since I was younger; up until tenth grade I was blogging on xanga with my friends, but now here I am. Anyways, my name is Liz. I am 22 going on 23 in May and I have started a new diet on January 2nd. Of course, with every new year I have told myself I will lose a certain amount of weight but every year goes by and I didn’t lose it. This year I am utterly determined and with the help of my family and friends I am hoping to keep up the good work.

I have been struggling with my weight since I was a kid. I was made fun of and had close to no friends since fifth grade. I have maybe two or three up until tenth grade and then I started to meet a new crowd of people when I began playing the Dance Dance Revolution game. Through that I met a community of high will-powered people who strived to be the best at the game and even taught me to become an expert. To this day I can still do expert which is funny, and I am still best friends with these people even if DDR is not their first priority anymore.

We all grew up and out of that phase and most gave up on any form of exercise and are gaining weight. But my best friend, who was not a constant DDR player, ended up losing 60 pounds during those years and has managed to keep it off by staying healthy and keeping up with her regiment. Though she is two years younger than me she is my role-model and I look up to her in so many aspects other than weight loss. She is my rock, aside from my boyfriend, and she has been ever since we met. I watched her grow up from a fat teenager to a healthy young woman and she has given me determination to strive and accomplish in my own diet now.

I am on day three of my no bread/pasta/etc diet. I am living off of chicken, turkey, eggs, vegetables, fruit, sugarfree jello, and skinny cow ice creams (haha). So far it’s been rough without the comfort food of bread but i’m managing and for once I was actually full and couldn’t eat my full breakfast this morning. I ended up saving the rest for later. Already, three days in and i’m seeing improvement. My friend asked me to go get thai or sushi today and I said no. I’m actually doing my best and I hope she understands too.

It’s hard but I’m sooo determined now. I don’t want to lose this year. I want to achieve and only achieve.

God please help me achieve.

Sincerely,
Liz