Wow….I can’t believe how far off track I have been. It’s been over 4 months since I’ve posted and I haven’t worked out in 2 months. I realize now that I have to work to remain diligent when I’ve obtained small goals. I became complacent after losing 50lbs and I’ve teetered for months. I used to get up every morning and weigh myself. A couple of weeks ago I realized that I hadn’t stepped on a scale in a month. For the first time in over 10 years….I didn’t know how much I weighed. This was NOT a good thing. I had eaten all my fav foods for Thanksgiving, I ate two bags of chocolate for Halloween and I ate candy all through December. I had gone back to wearing elastic waist pants because you really can’t feel that you’re gaining weight in those. They are my security clothes. I can lie to myself in those clothes.
Well the next morning I stood on the scale, sweating and nervous, and waited for the scale to give me that magic number. There I was hoping to be the same weight I was in the beginning of October, HA! When the number appeared….I just stared and felt my eyes start to tear up. I had gained 20 FREAKING LBS!! As I made my way to the living room, a movie was playing in my head of the last 4 months. All the bad eating and limited activity had definitely taken their toll. I felt so sad and I was on the verge of tears but underneath all that was anger. I was so angry with myself. I had taken control of my eating and made so many positive steps towards becoming a healthier, happier person. At one point I realized that food was not my top priority anymore. I was doing so good…what happened?
It was two days before Christmas and I had gained 20lbs since November. Why? Hell, how??!! I pondered this constantly over the next four days and I realized that I stopped taking it seriously. I mean I worked my ass off, 50lbs of it actually, but once I realized how much I lost I stopped trying. Not consciously of course, but when I look back on my actions, I can see it. It started when I stopped posting on the 3FC forums everyday. I had every excuse, I was busy or I’ll post tomorrow but I didn’t and weeks would go by before I got around to the site. I am on my laptop 16 hours out of the day….I had unlimited opportunities to log on to the forums…I just didn’t. Then I stopped blogging here, I would tell myself that I had nothing to blog about(yeah, right!!) Then I stopped counting calories and portion sizes and started grazing again. Finally I stopped going to the gym in November. Now I’m looking at the looming New Year and realizing how far off track I’ve gotten. I feel miles away from the woman that was posting in July and August. That girl is still inside of me but she has been partially buried by my recent snacking, self delusions and excuses. That girl wanted to put on a dress for New Years and strut her newly trimmed stuff at some party or club. But I had other plans….and now I’m upset, disgusted and disappointed in myself. What to do? 🙁
This is what I did. I reacquainted myself with my weight loss goals and new hurdles. I renewed my gym membership and went shopping for healthy foods and snacks. I dug out all my meal plans, hand weights, bands and Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I went back onto the 3fc forums and posted for the first time in months. Finally here I am blogging for the first time since August. I knew the worst thing I could do was sit around kicking myself and get caught up in what ifs. I realize now that my quest will most likely last my lifetime, just in varying degrees. I have a long way to go but I know I’ve taken important steps. There will be hiccups, hurdles, stumbles and falls along the way but I know as long as I get up and dust myself off after the falls that I will be okay and eventually I will reach the point where the healthy girl inside me is permanently on the outside. It’s her freedom I’m fighting for.
Posted on January 3rd, 2010 by nishat30
Filed under: Uncategorized