A fat girl’s quest to freedom

Reflections

As I get closer to the six week mark of my journey (Sunday), I realize how much I’ve changed my life. Seven weeks ago, I never would have thought that I would be someone that went to the gym 5 times a week, or that I would grow to like it. Part of me can’t believe that I’ve lasted for six weeks. I used to quit by the end of the first day. I think the difference is that 1) I’m truly fed up with my size and 2) the fact that I’m not on a diet. I decided to eat healthier and make better choices food wise. Eating every 3-3 1/2 hours has allowed me to actually experience hunger so that I now know what it feels like. I also don’t deprive myself. I have sweets but I usually eat sugar free and fat free sweets. One word people-Jello. They have so many flavors in both gelatin and pudding that I always have a sweet treat in the house that is only around 80 calories. I can add all types of fruit to it and make it a healty snack. If I decide to eat something not healthy, I just make sure that I eat healthy for the rest of the day and I don’t gain unless it’s outrageous, which I stay far away from.

I’ve come to realize that my obsession with food started in my childhood. My mom was laid off when I was a kid and money was tight. Sometimes we only had enough food to last until the middle of the month. For 1-2 weeks, we survived on bread, and if we were lucky, potatoes. I somehow got into the habit of eating as much as I could when I got food because I was hungry all of the time. When things got better, I never changed that. I never realized this until two weeks ago. I realized that I was eating alot and I wasn’t hungry. I sat down and tried to figure out why. I realized that this something I’ve always done after grocery shopping. I was astounded! It was instinct for me and I never questioned it, I just ate. Groceries that should have lasted for two weeks would only last one and the minute that the fridge looked a little empty would trigger that feeling that we were going to run out of food and start the process all over again. But the problem is that we haven’t had a lack of food since I was 16. I was 16 when I really started piling on the weight. I can’t believe that for the past 16 years I have been eating like that. The positive of this revelation is that it has actually cut down on my cravings and unhealthy eating. I know that I’m not going to run out of food and that there is no reason to eat like that. I know that I’m not going to starve. I always known that but I think the fear of starving never left me and it has triggered this behavior. It’s also a relief to know a reason for all the eating I’ve done in my past.

When I started this journey, I wore a 26/30 in shirts and a 30 in pants. Well a friend gave me a shirt for my birthday but it was a size 20. Well I tried it on to see how much further I had to go. Well that shirt actually fit! I couldn’t believe it, I have dropped down 4 sizes in shirts in six weeks and the best part is that I’ve done it in a healthy way. I know that I won’t ever be that size again. :-)

 

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