A fat girl’s quest to freedom

Workouts and critical thinking.

Hello all! Well I’ve had a busy day…but first things first: Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. This workout is killer, no I don’t think you understand, KILLER! I managed to complete my first workout (barely) before falling out. When I came back to my senses, however, I felt good. I had another “moment”, but this lasted longer than the first one. I think that as I get more healthy and fit, those “moments” will last longer and become the norm-which means I’m on the right track.

Now for the rest of my day. As I continue my journey to freedom, I’m noticing behavior that has put me in this position. Today I went to IKEA and I noticed on the way all the fast food places. We decided to eat at IKEA and here I was; hungry and at a location that has a majority of “bad” choices and very few good ones. I’m happy to report that I made good choices-Greek salad(I picked out most of the cheese) and used a teaspoon of dressing and two meatballs. I knew the meat balls aren’t healthy food, however faced with the fried chicken and ribs dripping in sauce,it’ll have to do as protein. I had a glass of unsweetend iced tea to drink. After we ate, we walked around IKEA for an hour. After we left IKEA, we drove past those same fast food places and there was a huge part of me that wanted to stop at one of them, not because I was hungry, because it’s what I know. As I sat in the car, I began wondering why? I know that I’m an emotional eater, but what emotion was I feeling. You have to understand, I’ve never questioned my urges for unhealty food, I just gave in. But now I’m at a point where I’m committed to this, I WILL NOT live the rest of my life like this. So, why do I feel the urge to stop at Mcdonalds when I’m full. Well I know if I eat it, I will consider the whole day ruined in regards to my plan. I also know myself enough to know that if I go off plan one day, I’ll be even more tempted to do the same the next day. So…what’s my issue? I realized that I’m considering sabotaging myself but I don’t know why? I ask myself, What are you scared of? I realize the answer is failing. I have this set weight goal in my head and I feel like not reaching it is failure. I know…if I sabotage myself, I’m failing but in my mind there’s a difference. If I make the decision to sabotage myself, I’m not failing I’m changing my mind and I can always change it back. However, if I really work at it and still don’t reach my weight goal, well that idea is unbearable to me. The idea of trying and failing has never sat well with me, but I also realized how skewed that thinking is. Who says I’m supposed to weigh 135lbs. At my smallest 140, I was in a size 5 and I looked sick. My mom is a size 7, but weighs 165. I realize that I need readjust my goals and stopped focusing on the numbers. Second hurdle-passed and moving towards the next. Goodnight.


One Response to “Workouts and critical thinking.”

  1. Wow… such deep thinking!! You are really aware of yourself, your triggers and where you’ve come from. It’ll get easier and easier not to sabotage yourself as you grow to understand these things more and more.

    I loved this post and I’m so impressed at your workout. Jillian Michaels scares me! LOL

    Keep up the great work!

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