A fat girl’s quest to freedom

Mentality

I had promised myself that I would do more in 2014. I don’t just mean activity, I mean living. Getting out there and really experiencing life. I don’t know when I became a hermit but I have become this woman that sits at home 90% of the time. I am sick of that woman. I want to be the woman that is out enjoying life. My major roadblock is my weight…I don’t like the way I look. I found some initiative and decided to eat healthier and started doing some activity. When I was invited to participate in a race with my company, I decided to go for it after second guessing my first instinct to say no. I even took the plunge and registered before I could change my mind.

After finally registering for my race, I started to panic. This is a race….with people. They are going to see if I fail or succeed. I will be out there…in front of hundreds. What the hell was I thinking?!! This would be when the eating would start…except this time I went on a hike. Yes…I hike. Instead of crawling into my cave with a pizza I went to Land’s End and walked….everywhere. Being near the ocean has always been cathartic for me. When I’m looking at the ocean I can’t help but notice how vast and endless it is. Whatever problems I have just don’t measure up. I walked until I had calmed down and could think rationally. It wasn’t until later that I realized that I had broken a habit that I thought I would never break…emotional eating. I know I have a long way to go but it makes me feel more positive about journey and finally making it to the end.

Hard Core Restart - The Road to Rugged Maniac 2014

It has been a while since I blogged about my weight loss or better yet my failing at weight loss. 2013 was a year of gains and losses but not really making any inroads to freeing my inner fit girl. 2014 is a year of change. I have finally gotten serious…I mean really serious. No excuses, no rationalizing…just plain cold truths:

1) I am going to die young if I don’t change.

2) There are thousands of things that I haven’t accomplished yet.

3) I don’t want to reach the end of my life with regrets of not living a full life.

This really left me no choice. I was either going to keep slowly killing myself or I was going to do whatever I needed to do to have a happy, fulfilling life. I did not wait for New Years to do this. I started on December 27th. My first step was to figure out how to eat healthy without starving myself or dieting. This is a lifestyle choice…no more salad days or fasting. Eat healthy and keep to portion sizes. I didn’t worry or second guess myself. I just started paying attention to what I put in my mouth and I documented it. I would not allow myself to side step but I would also be realistic. There are going to be days that I will eat a little off my ideal but those days will equal longer workouts. I won’t go crazy…one meal only. I also wanted to start working out. I don’t want to be thin…I want to be FIT. I pulled out my wii and my Zumba and I started working out. I started small, 3 days a week, but I would work my way up to 5 days a week. By day 14 I was so proud of myself. I hadn’t overeaten or binged nor was I tempted. I had covered an wall in my room with positive and motivating messages. But I was missing a short term goal.

At work last week, some of my coworker were talking about doing Rugged Maniac. They wanted me to do it with them. I automatically said no but I decided to check it out over the weekend so I could them why I wouldn’t do it. Rugged maniac is this crazy 5k race (that’s right, 5K) that includes 20+ obstacles. Obstacles like crawling on your belly in muddy water under barbed wire, scaling 12′ walls and trying to climb up steep, muddy hills…with all this freaking running in between. It’s freakin insane. But as I watched the videos…I don’t know. I wanted to be one of those people at the end…who were bruised and muddy and….VICTORIOUS! They were tired but they were happy because they did it. Some were hardcore OCR runners but most were there to challenge themselves and have fun. So after a while….I just went for it and in 4 months and 4 days I will compete for my first race…ever.

Since I want a record of this journey I will blog as I prepare for this. There is a six-week training program that I will do leading up to the race. But I need to get in shape for that, lol. So I will be working out 5 days a week for the next month to build up my stamina.  In March I want to incorporate some hard core strength/endurance training leading into the six-week training. Something like P90x (terrified). I am ready to do this!

SUCCESS!!

I did it! I ate completely health yesterday! I feel great and I am looking forward to today!

List 5 reasons that keeps you motivated to continue working out and eating right:

1. I blog and re-read my posts so I can remember all the emotions I have experience during this journey and stop living in denial.

2. I use my Wii to keep myself interested in working out because the gym can get boring.

3. I think about my DC/NYC vacation this fall and how I want to be able to walk around and see everything without getting tired or drenched in sweat.

4. I look at the dress I want to wear on NYE. I haven’t worn a dress in years and I have never gone out on NYE. Excited!

5. I want to live a long, happy life. I know of I don’t get myself together and get healthy and fit, I won’t have lived up to my full potential.

Not as easy as it seems…

Yesterday I had a really good start, healthy morning. I bombed at lunch because I started snacking and I snacked all the way up to dinner. A couple of chips here, a couple of cookies there. I bought everything I would need to work…but went to the store and bought chips. Really disappointed in myself but it’s a new day and I’m starting over. Round 2

I have to figure out how to keep motivated and not get distracted by everyday issues. I feel great right now but I dont know how long this feeling will last and if I can get through the next bad moment without shoving junk in my face.

The scale is on the move!

Today marks my first weigh in and I have lost 5lbs! Very happy right now and this keeps me motivated to keep going. I have found a great fountain of support and I hope it will helpe during the slumps.

It’s day number 7 and I’m doing good but I can do better with my eating. But I’m not going to get down on myself about it. I’m will keep excercising and counting calories. I think we(big girls) have such a rigid attitude about dieting and excercising that we tend to set ourselves up for failure before we even start. No one eats perfect, completely healthy meals 24/7 365 days a year. If you are looking at a diet and you can’t honestly say you can eat this way for the rest of your life you need to reexamone your eating plan…at least I did. I want to lose weight and be healthy but I also want to live a normal life and not have food as the major factor. I plan to be brutally honest with myself regarding my food intake and my expectations.

Healthy Restart

It has been a great start to my new commitment. I am on Day 7 and I am proud to say that I have worked out on 6 of the seven days. I still have a way to go to but I’m just proud of myself for getting up every night and doing it after working a full day. My food intake could be better but it is a work in progress and I know that I will get it down. I have a specific goal in mind…I am going on vacation to DC and New York this fall and there will be a lot of walking around. I want to be in better shape by the time I go. I want to get to the point that I don’t sweat after leisurely walking and I don’t want to be so exhausted after minimal excercise. I will not focus on a clothing size or weight as an ideal which I think will take a lot of the pressure off and will hopefully cut down on my habit of self sabotage.

New commitments, betrayals and triumphs

So….. I’m back again. The last couple of months have been filled with upheaval and the dust has finally settled. There has been so many changes, revelations and painful discoveries…this is going to be a long post.

First: New Commitments…

I have been living in the same house for the past five years. It started out pretty good and I felt like it was the best place for me. I had great roommates and we all were like a family…without any of the family drama. Then one of the girls moved out and the landlord moved in. It was fine and when I lost my job in 2007 it put the proverbial monkey wrench into the works. I had a very understanding landlord who allowed me to stay there even when I was short. It felt like a home for so long and when I got a new job I had planned to stay there for a lot longer. But eventually her issues came into the works and after a while it started to feel like a prison. She had changed over the last couple of years and was having issues with alcohol and some internal coping hiccups. I started to distance myself from her on a regular basis. It eventually go to the point that when I as home I stayed in my room all the time. I only ventured out to fix food which I would take to my room and eat in bed(NOT a habit this girl needed to have). But after the turmoil of being unemployed and the lack of confidence I had in the workforce I was unwilling to leave. I knew if I lost my job I wouldn’t be homeless as long as I lived there. But eventually it became too much and I had to take a hard look at where my life was headed. I was becoming reclusive and depressed. On my off days I would stay in bed until one or two, fry (yes…FRY :-0) myself something to eat and then eat it in bed.

One day I was watching this show, called, “Heavy” and there was this guy who was over 600lbs eating waffles in bed. He was talking about how he used to be active and then he started slowly gaining weight. After a while he would just eat in his room and then when he couldn’t get around that much anymore his family had to bring him food. He became more reclusive and then the weight really piled on. I realized right then, that I was looking at my future if I didn’t get myself together. So I decided that I was going to have to get over my fear of possibly losing my job and move out. That had to be the first step because I was so miserable there. I felt like I was in prison and I was slowly suffocating and I was using this place as a safety net and I needed to stop.  Luckily my best friend had a room available and needed help with the rent and I moved ASAP! It’s great now….I am in a house with a true friend that I love like a sister who has had the same kind of issues with weight and works out at the gym 5-6 times a week. Once I moved in we started working out together and I started eating better. I’m truly in a happy place now. But there was a wrinkle I had not forseen…..

Betrayal…

I have had the same best friends now for about 4 years…Jan( my roommate) and Jes*, my sisters from another mister. I met Jes* first and Jan about a year or so later. We did everything together and we all had similar issues regarding our parents. Jan is the affectionate one…so nurturing. If you were feeling bad about something and just needed someone to be there for you and coddle you a bit(Hey…we all need that sometimes) Jan was your girl. Jes was the tough girl with an edge who would always have your back in an argument or a fight(don’t worry..it never got to that point,lol). We have seen each other through some tough times and personal crisis and I thought that we would end up like the Golden Girls. HA! Last yea Jes* became engaged an I was SO happy for her. I wanted that for her for so long because I knew she missed out on that love as a child. Who knew that a year later that I wouldn’t be able to stand to be in the same room with her?!

During our friendship I had been there for her through BAD breakups, illnesses, family emergencies and a plethora of other dramas and issues. I would have given her one of my kidneys if she needed it. (Thank God she did her dirt before she needed one,lol) I had noticed after she became engaged that she started to distance herself from Jan and I. We just weren’t as close as we used to be…but I put it down to her engagement. She has that special person in her life now and she should spend more time with him than with us. Besides I loved her fiance…he was perfect for her. When she found out she was pregnant I was ecstatic! Finally…a baby was on the way(and I didn’t have to have it,lol) Unfortunately tragedy struck and she lost the baby. I was so heartbroken for her….I left work(Not smart since it was my probationary period) and went straight to her house. This was the first instance that I had an unkind word to say about her fiance…he was not going to come see her because he had a wedding to go to!!?( Seriously…WTF!!) But he came to his senses and arrived that night.

However things between us got progressively worse. When her finace’s 30th birthday rolled around, she decided to throw him a party in San Diego (a plane ride away from where we live). I had started a new class and I couldn’t go. She was unhappy but school comes first. Because I was working and going to school we did not have a lot of time to hang out anymore but we always had Friday night dinner Jes, Jan and I. Eventually she stopped coming to that too. I figured that friends sometimes grow apart and it was okay. I still loved her and she still loved me.

Ten days ago I found out that she had been talking about me behind my back and NOT in a good way. She actually told someone that she didn’t want me in her wedding because I would mess up her bridal pictures because I was too big. I was crushed…not because she was worried about her pictures but because she’s been talking about me for MONTHS and talked about this to all her friends behind my back while sitting in my face smiling and making wedding plans. I have hung out with these people many times over the last six months and I can just imagine how they laughed at me. I never thought that she would talk about me like this. Not about something as superficial about my size. She didn’t even respect me enough to tell me to my face. She was telling me about her wedding plans and talking about where we the bridal party was going to stay about a week ago. I barely contained myself! But we were in a restaurant and I was NOT going to make a scene. I haven’t spoken to her since and I doubt I will speak to her for a while. I don’t…NO…I REFUSE to let this derail me or eat up anymore of my time. As a matter of fact once I finish typing this blog I will not speak of it again. Switching gears….

Triumphs….

So in the last two weeks I have lost 7lbs and I am 11 lb away from my original weight and 18lb away from the mini goal I set for myself last fall. Yesterday I actually walked 2.7 miles and I feel so good about myself. I also feel more positive because I have a workout buddy who knows just how hard it is to stay on track and she motivates me all the time. She won’t let me get away with any of my excuses or BS. She supports me but understands that she can’t lose the weight for me and won’t push me. She lets me push myself and occasionally reminds me why I’m doing all this when I forget.

Well….I needed to get that off my chest. Now I have to get ready for the gym. Goodnight everyone.

*= Name changed to protect an idiots identity…just in case.