So….. I’m back again. The last couple of months have been filled with upheaval and the dust has finally settled. There has been so many changes, revelations and painful discoveries…this is going to be a long post.
First: New Commitments…
I have been living in the same house for the past five years. It started out pretty good and I felt like it was the best place for me. I had great roommates and we all were like a family…without any of the family drama. Then one of the girls moved out and the landlord moved in. It was fine and when I lost my job in 2007 it put the proverbial monkey wrench into the works. I had a very understanding landlord who allowed me to stay there even when I was short. It felt like a home for so long and when I got a new job I had planned to stay there for a lot longer. But eventually her issues came into the works and after a while it started to feel like a prison. She had changed over the last couple of years and was having issues with alcohol and some internal coping hiccups. I started to distance myself from her on a regular basis. It eventually go to the point that when I as home I stayed in my room all the time. I only ventured out to fix food which I would take to my room and eat in bed(NOT a habit this girl needed to have). But after the turmoil of being unemployed and the lack of confidence I had in the workforce I was unwilling to leave. I knew if I lost my job I wouldn’t be homeless as long as I lived there. But eventually it became too much and I had to take a hard look at where my life was headed. I was becoming reclusive and depressed. On my off days I would stay in bed until one or two, fry (yes…FRY :-0) myself something to eat and then eat it in bed.
One day I was watching this show, called, “Heavy” and there was this guy who was over 600lbs eating waffles in bed. He was talking about how he used to be active and then he started slowly gaining weight. After a while he would just eat in his room and then when he couldn’t get around that much anymore his family had to bring him food. He became more reclusive and then the weight really piled on. I realized right then, that I was looking at my future if I didn’t get myself together. So I decided that I was going to have to get over my fear of possibly losing my job and move out. That had to be the first step because I was so miserable there. I felt like I was in prison and I was slowly suffocating and I was using this place as a safety net and I needed to stop. Luckily my best friend had a room available and needed help with the rent and I moved ASAP! It’s great now….I am in a house with a true friend that I love like a sister who has had the same kind of issues with weight and works out at the gym 5-6 times a week. Once I moved in we started working out together and I started eating better. I’m truly in a happy place now. But there was a wrinkle I had not forseen…..
I have had the same best friends now for about 4 years…Jan( my roommate) and Jes*, my sisters from another mister. I met Jes* first and Jan about a year or so later. We did everything together and we all had similar issues regarding our parents. Jan is the affectionate one…so nurturing. If you were feeling bad about something and just needed someone to be there for you and coddle you a bit(Hey…we all need that sometimes) Jan was your girl. Jes was the tough girl with an edge who would always have your back in an argument or a fight(don’t worry..it never got to that point,lol). We have seen each other through some tough times and personal crisis and I thought that we would end up like the Golden Girls. HA! Last yea Jes* became engaged an I was SO happy for her. I wanted that for her for so long because I knew she missed out on that love as a child. Who knew that a year later that I wouldn’t be able to stand to be in the same room with her?!
During our friendship I had been there for her through BAD breakups, illnesses, family emergencies and a plethora of other dramas and issues. I would have given her one of my kidneys if she needed it. (Thank God she did her dirt before she needed one,lol) I had noticed after she became engaged that she started to distance herself from Jan and I. We just weren’t as close as we used to be…but I put it down to her engagement. She has that special person in her life now and she should spend more time with him than with us. Besides I loved her fiance…he was perfect for her. When she found out she was pregnant I was ecstatic! Finally…a baby was on the way(and I didn’t have to have it,lol) Unfortunately tragedy struck and she lost the baby. I was so heartbroken for her….I left work(Not smart since it was my probationary period) and went straight to her house. This was the first instance that I had an unkind word to say about her fiance…he was not going to come see her because he had a wedding to go to!!?( Seriously…WTF!!) But he came to his senses and arrived that night.
However things between us got progressively worse. When her finace’s 30th birthday rolled around, she decided to throw him a party in San Diego (a plane ride away from where we live). I had started a new class and I couldn’t go. She was unhappy but school comes first. Because I was working and going to school we did not have a lot of time to hang out anymore but we always had Friday night dinner Jes, Jan and I. Eventually she stopped coming to that too. I figured that friends sometimes grow apart and it was okay. I still loved her and she still loved me.
Ten days ago I found out that she had been talking about me behind my back and NOT in a good way. She actually told someone that she didn’t want me in her wedding because I would mess up her bridal pictures because I was too big. I was crushed…not because she was worried about her pictures but because she’s been talking about me for MONTHS and talked about this to all her friends behind my back while sitting in my face smiling and making wedding plans. I have hung out with these people many times over the last six months and I can just imagine how they laughed at me. I never thought that she would talk about me like this. Not about something as superficial about my size. She didn’t even respect me enough to tell me to my face. She was telling me about her wedding plans and talking about where we the bridal party was going to stay about a week ago. I barely contained myself! But we were in a restaurant and I was NOT going to make a scene. I haven’t spoken to her since and I doubt I will speak to her for a while. I don’t…NO…I REFUSE to let this derail me or eat up anymore of my time. As a matter of fact once I finish typing this blog I will not speak of it again. Switching gears….
So in the last two weeks I have lost 7lbs and I am 11 lb away from my original weight and 18lb away from the mini goal I set for myself last fall. Yesterday I actually walked 2.7 miles and I feel so good about myself. I also feel more positive because I have a workout buddy who knows just how hard it is to stay on track and she motivates me all the time. She won’t let me get away with any of my excuses or BS. She supports me but understands that she can’t lose the weight for me and won’t push me. She lets me push myself and occasionally reminds me why I’m doing all this when I forget.
Well….I needed to get that off my chest. Now I have to get ready for the gym. Goodnight everyone.
*= Name changed to protect an idiots identity…just in case.
Posted on April 19th, 2011 by nishat30
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