A lot of drug and alcohol addicts have what is called an “all or nothing” mentality.  This is meant in a negative sense.  Addicts can’t use just a little bit, they have to use it “all”.

I think people with weight problems can probably relate to this. How many times have you gorged yourself because you knew your diet was starting tomorrow?  I’ve definitely done it- bingeing to the point of discomfort- literally eating everything I came across, things I didn’t even like, treating myself like a human trash can, because I knew the next day I was starting yet another diet.  Looking back at these behaviors I realize I didn’t even go out of my way to make the binge worthwhile in any sense.  I didn’t go out for a nice meal, or even indulge in a special food I liked.  I just vacuumed everything in front of me up in a panic.  I think part of it was me trying to get rid of all the unhealthy food in the house, which is crazy!  Why couldn’t I just throw it away?  The other part is because I had probably decided in a panic that the next day was a diet day- Last time this happened, I was triple booked for the night with three parties.  By the third party I felt so fat and uncomfortable I just panicked and said what the hell and started eating and drinking with abandon, knowing I would punish myself the next day.

ANYWAY, because of my own experience, I can understand someone who does this with drugs or alcohol- they probably are so desperate to stop using that every time they touch a drug or alcohol they tell themselves it is the “last time”.  Of course, once they use/ drink, they are filled with that same sense of shame, defeat, discomfort, or even panic that they used again.  Maybe a little buzz kicks in that tells them the drug or alcohol isn’t really THAT bad, despite what’s happened to the user every other time.  The buzz softens the bad feelings.  The user likes the buzz, but this is still the “last time”- so why not really go for it?  Drink all the alcohol in the house so there is none left to tempt you the next day.  Take whatever drugs are there until they are gone.  Of course, what happens when you drink a bunch or take a bunch of drugs?  Stuff happens that you are ashamed of… and the cycle continues.

All or nothing can have a positive connotation.  I’ve been all or nothing in my life to great success- at work, with family.  I wonder if it is 2 sides of the same personality coin- if you are all or nothing, you’re likely to be both successful and an addict.  Do you treat the personality and try to become NOT all or nothing?  Or do you try to channel the all or nothing into solely positive endeavors?

Still training for 5K.  Reading every running magazine I can get my hands on.  Rented 2 running documentaries on Netflix to inspire me.  Inspired me so much that I signed up for a half marathon that takes place in 4 months.

I failed.

Not only did I give up on running and gain all the weight back, I gained EXTRA weight back.

I’m starting over at my highest weight ever.
Good news is that I signed up for a 5k that takes place in 8 weeks.

I plan to keep signing up for every 5k I can find.

I started training yesterday.

This is the first time I’ve made such a commitment to running and so far I love it.

I’m finding it harder to commit 100% to healthier eating habits- such as recording all my calories consumed and cutting down on alcohol.

Small steps.

I am taking a break from tracking calories until I figure out what these thyroid meds are doing to me, so I can’t reward myself for tracking.  BUT!  I need to reward myself for something.  Today was a big milestone- not only did I break 189 for the first time in 3 months of hovering from 189-190, but at 187 I have now lost 15 pounds!!  Time for a reward  I definitely think a pedicure is in order here!!

Not gonna write a whole lot here except that I got tested and am hypothyroid.  I’m now on meds to manage it.  This could explain the hard time I’ve had losing (hovered at 189 ish for the last 3 months despite tracking all calories in and out and working out like crazy), the fatigue that’s frustrated me to tears. I feel like a cheater taking meds, but its not like I’m taking diet drugs.  We’ll see how it goes.  I’m really mostly excited at the thought of getting rid of my fatigue- I’ve felt like a zombie for the last 2 years.  I will keep you posted!

My sister came down Wednesday. I managed to behave until Thursday night, then it was off with the Bodybugg and time for tons of cigarettes, tequila and beer.  I love to drink and smoke and gossip with my sister, it’s so fun.  Problem is, I let myself eat like crazy Friday, then Saturday and Sunday.  I haven’t worked out since Wednesday, which is bad- usually I only take 1-2 days off a week.  I wonder how hard it will be to get back on the wagon and start running again.  I lost my Bodybugg for 3 days (I finally found it last night), which meant no tracking.  I’m stuck at 189, and I doubt I will have lost any again this week.  I think this will be the 3rd week at 189.  I wanted to be at 172 by the time I have to travel for work on 9/13, I don’t know if I’m going to get there.  Arg!!!

How did this concept get renamed ‘bucket list’ in pop culture?  Just a short year ago we were still calling it ‘Things to do before you die’.

Anyway, I’ve never really made a bucket list, and I actually don’t have many ideas for one!!  You are welcome to share your bucket list here, I would love to see it.

Here’s what I have so far:

Travel- Italy.  S.E. Asia with Boyfriend.  Manhattan.  New Orleans.  Sedona.  Austin.  Macchu Picchu.  St. Petersburg/ Moscow. More places but can’t think of them right now.

Become Fluent in another language.

Learn Archery (nerd alert!)

Everyone says skydive, but- skydive!  Like when I’m 80 and ready to face death.

Ride motorcycles along PCH from OC to San Francisco, or maybe to Portland.

Go Waterskiing.

Race cars.

That’s all I can think of.  Maybe it’s better to keep my bucket list on the small side.  Everything else I can think of seem more like goals, like- draw more, have a great body, etc. (which I already have on another post!)  Oh well

I am extremely lucky… So many women (myself included) wait to get fit until their significant other is willing to do it with them.  I’ve experienced living with people that influence your diet and workout schedule.  Unfortunately, I lived with the people that not only weren’t very supportive of my efforts to get fit, they actually sabotaged them!

I moved in with my current boyfriend about 3 years ago.  I gained 50lbs in the past 3 years, because he is an excellent cook, a former bartender who makes yummy drinks, and he loves food as much as I do.  All our dates were about going out to dinner, etc.  It was like I gained an “eating buddy”, who introduced me to all this fabulous, exotic new food that I of course loved.  Of course, I had a few personal disasters in the last 2 years that caused me to stress-eat and not move very much, which contributed to the gain.  But for the most part, I think my BF and I have always turned to food, from childhood on, for comfort, entertainment, etc. My boyfriend has always been on the heavier side as well, and since he’s moved in with me he’s also gained 40lbs!!  Oops.

I had a talk with him a few months ago to let him know that I was serious about getting healthy again.  I asked him to support all the changes I needed to make in my diet.  I was NOT asking him to change with me, but letting him know that I was doing this and I didn’t want to be sabotaged.

He has been great!  I expected to do it alone, but he actually listens to my eating plans and shops and cooks around them.  He started walking on the treadmill last month- let me tell you, this is major, because sometimes I feel that he may have never really worked out before (scary- we’re both in our 30’s- glad he is starting now!!).  He even told me he wanted to start running- which is, of course, my goal.

The best thing ever is that he’s started running outdoors with me every night!  I kind of thought he wouldn’t be able to do it, because he is so out of shape, but he actually keeps up with me and even pushes me to run faster and longer!  It’s great.  I am SO grateful my boyfriend is so on board with my goals and SOOOO grateful I have a workout partner!!  I hope he starts seeing results soon, I want him to feel good about all his efforts.  He said last night that he’s already noticed his attitude improving- awesome, right???!!

I need to keep tracking on my goals, when I hit them, and how I reward them.

Today I rewarded myself with a book that I really wanted.  Not sure what the reward was for- 10+ days of tracking without fail?  2lb weight loss this week?  So, I decided to make a list of exactly what I’m working for and when I get rewarded.

I think tracking goals are key to my success, as tracking has always been my downfall.

I am going to keep coming back to this post to update it with my progress!!  Here we go:

Weekly Tracking:

8/7 to 8/13- Done!  Got a book- Kat Von D

Weight Loss goals- Bigger reward:

188 (met 8/11/10)- Done! New face soap, coffee maker!

***185 ***180 ***175 ***170 ***Out of Obese on Wii Fit*** 165*** 160*** 155*** 150*** 145*** 140*** 135*** 130*** Maintain for 6 months, 1yr, 2yr, 5yr, etc.

Current wants- to be awarded per each goal hit!!

Haircut*** Go out to a movie- Inception*** Mani/ Pedi (possibly with gels, if I can upkeep)*** Gym membership*** Personal training*** New clothes*** Laser tattoo removal*** Laser hair removal*** Laser skin resurfacing*** Mommy Makeover: Boob job and Tummy tuck!

I was feeling so great today.  I have been running like crazy, every day, for the past week- burning 500 calories a workout (a record for me).  I have been tracking my calories without fail.  I even lost a pound this week, for a total of 13 pounds since March.  So, I was feeling… thinner.

Then my boyfriend was taking some family pictures, and I saw myself in the harsh light of reality… I am definitely not thinner.  I am 5′ 3.625″ tall and a hundred and eighty nine freaking pounds!!  I am well into the “obese” category on my Wii Fit.  I wear a size 14, wal-mart brand big ass mom jean.  And I just cut all my hair short- just to move myself further into the “sexless” category.  Mmm, my short hair really features my lack of a neck nicely.

Ugh, feel so ugly right now.

• I want my thighs to stop rubbing together.  I’ve only had this for the last year and it is annoying, painful and sweaty.
• I want to sweat less (when I’m not intending to sweat).
• I smell worse now.  Sorry for the TMI, just sayin’.  I’d like to go back to my regular funk.
• I want to lose the nickname “Fatty Dingdong”
• I want to wear all my old clothes
• I want more energy and to feel less depressed
• I want to be DONE with the weight obsession and get on with my life!!  All I do is sit and daydream about how I’m going to fix this weight problem… I need to just do it!