The quest for happy imperfection…

Ha! Take that! 202.5. Whew. If I saw 203 or 204.5 one more time… things were going to get ugly.  But, it seems like we’re moving in the right direction again.

Yesterday and today have been good. I made all my breakfasts and three days worth of lunches on Sunday. So, eating has been nice and easy so far this week. This weekend, we went to Costco and I got a whole bunch of salad, a whole bunch of broccoli, 2 pounds of strawberries, and the best honeydew I’ve ever had. Snacks have been awesome, and I’m finding that a fully prepared day makes me feel much more in control. I don’t have to think about it, and I’m really enjoying the fresh flavors.

I’ve also made it to the gym the last two nights, and I am SORE! I think I’ve figured out that while the bike pushes my cardio, and I can feel it really shaping my body, I don’t think it’s really helping me to drop weight, per say. Maybe it’s because I’m building more muscle, or it just works my body differently. Either way, I’m making sure to mix up my cardio this week.

I also started somethign new this week. Last night I lifted weights for the first time in months. It was a huge victory for me. I love lifting weights. I love feeling strong, I love seeing progress so quickly. But, right now, I hate it. The gym is covered in the massive, floor to ceiling windows. And every time I’m over there, I feel massive. I notice every bulge, my complete and total lack of a waist, and the extra chins I’ve started carrying around in case I need a spare. And, I just can’t take it. I can’t stand to see myself, standing there in the middle of a bunch of equipment looking about as out of place as a redneck at the Opera.  But last night, I did it. I stared fat me in the mirror and told her that if she waited to do it until she felt like she belonged, she never would belong. I’ll be honest- I felt huge, and massively unattractive, and my “wow this is heavy” contorted face didn’t make anything better. But, I did it. I sucked it up and suffered through my reps. Part of me felt like people were looking at me, like the guys I was surrounded by were looking at me and wondering what the big girl was doing in their turf. But you know what, who cares? I’m an awesome person that can’t be defined by my weight. And, my husband thinks I’m friggin’ sexy (and if he were here he’d offer to prove it). Or Barbie over there sweating with her three pound dumbells and leg warmers is looking at me with that sidewise glance and thinking “thank God that isn’t me.” Well, fine. Thank God I am me because I can lift 3 pounds with my pinkie, and, my boobs are real. This isn’t about what anyone thinks of me, they don’t even know me! But it is about what I think of me.  I need to quit seeing myself as Shamu. Because I’m not. First of all, I’m nowhere near that good of a swimmer. And, I don’t like eating krill. But, seriously, I need to quit letting my perception of me as a fat girl get in the way. Because if I continue to dwell on being a big girl, I’ll always be one.

Soapbox/introspection moment aside… I’m starting to feel changes. I can feel strong muscles in my thighs, and my hamstrings are tightening up. My abs feel a little leaner, and I’m starting to feel some tricep definition in my arms. Yeah, there’s still a layer of fat over it all but that’s getiing smaller. And that’s all that matters.

So the last two days have been a little out there, but yesterday was my birthday so some lenience was to be expected.

On Thursday- I had an english muffin with a little bit of butter and jam for breakfast, and went out to an Italian place for lunch. Wanted fettucine alfredo- had the spaghetti and meatball. It was gross. The meatball was the texture of sponge cake… eew. So, I barely touched it. Did have the salad bar though, and had some pasta salad. Dinner was some sweet and sour shrimp from trader joes and a few chicken potstickers. Did put away a bag of popcorn before dinner… and had a couple mini nilla wafers.

Yesterday- Took the day off work and went into Carson- ate ate Chilis. Ate only half my sandwich and 1/3 my fries, but had the queso dip and dove face first into the chips. D’oh! Dinner was a hodge podge: baguette slices and artichoke dip, ravioli with alfredo, and some cheap-o blackberry wine (I admit it- I either like really expensive wine or the cheapo hillbilly stuff) Total came out 400 over my limit, but we shopped for a couple hours, including an hour at Costco with an 80 pound cart.

Still managed to ride my bike both days for 30 minutes. Thursday was great, actually made it to resistance 3 (normally I’m on one). Last night, I’ll admit it, I kind of dogged it. But, I did it. I’m determined not to weigh myself today, because I just don’t want to know. I weighed in at 203 earlier this week, then at 204.5 for the two days after. Yesterday I weighed in at 203.5. I’m not certain if it was that I never really hit 203, that I hit it and gained it back, or if TOM is still messing with me. Looking at my food and exercise, I should have been continuing to lose weight… so I don’t know. I just know that I had dinner late last night, and had salt and alcohol. So this morning’s weight, wouldn’t be good. I’ll still probably step on out of habit though… bad me!

Anyways, the rest of the day is pretty laid back. Hoping to take Lucy for a hike, maybe hit the gym. Heading over to the ski swap- here’s hoping for a good deal! And, cleaning house.

I’m admittedly feeeling pretty down about my weight. But, I need to focus on my new habits. I AM doing this, and eventually my body will fall in line.

So, normally my absence from the blogs indicates a large warning sign that I’m holed up somewhere with a box of donuts and a bucket of fried chicken yelling “you’ll never take me alive!” But fret not, this time I’ve missed a couple days because I have been doing so exceptionally well with my workouts that I’ve passed out before updating.

So a quick recap:

Sunday- good and not so good. Grabbed an english muffin for breakfast, we were on the road to visit friends, and it would have been so easy and excusable to gran an egg mcnasty, but didn’t. Went out for lunch- ate half my lunch and packed the rest up. Dinner… well, things kind of fell apart. Went through the drive thru at 11. So, I used my first fats food pause day. Damn. But at that point, we’d been gone all day, I hadn’t eaten, and was actually feeling faint. Got home too late to exercise, so I’m treading water without any pause days left. But, I did manage to eek out with only 150 calories over my limit.

Monday: Had way too much cleaning to do. Only managed half an hour on the bike. But, got my grocery shopping done (yay!) and planned some good meals for the week.

Tuesday: Totally on plan. Sweet! And, TWO HOURS on the bike. Which has, of course, left me feeling as if someone punched me in the butt repeatedly for two hours straight. A friend came out and we were going to go to the gym together, but it was closed. Bummer. So we did a little shopping and then I rode while watching Biggest Loser. And, as a side note, can I say that I am SO HAPPY that Brady went home? Now, if we can get his evil wife off next week the show might be good again!

So, overall, muy bueno. And, to top it off, I weighed in at 203 yesterday! So close to onederland I can taste it. Part of me hopes I can somehow hit it on my bday, but that’s a little far fetched. It should be soon though. Can’t wait!

So far, so good. Down to 204. Woot! And, I’ve been sticking with the program.

Yesterday was really good. Went to Subway for lunch and had a roast beef sandwich instead of the pastrami I thought I wanted, even though I did have chips.  For dinner, we went out with some friends to one of my favorite restaurants- The Brewery. Normally, I chow on their burger (so good) or the best darned BBQ beef sandwich you’ve ever had. Both fo which come with fabulous beer battered fries. And speaking of beer- their brews are fantastic. But, I had chicken kabobs with grilled pineapple and wild rice pilaf with a side salad. Yeah, that’s how I’m defining success for today. Unfortunately, I had to use a pause day for exercise because I didn’t get back in time to make it to the gym but, you win some, you lose some.

Today was also really good. Got in a nice walk with DH and Lucy, and headed to a salad bar place for lunch. Managed to have a good salad, only half of my clam chowder, only one roll, and a bunch of fresh fruit. Yum! I did sneak in a little pizza, but we’re talking like 2 bites.

Then, we went into town for shopping- checked out Costco and decided we will get a membership. They had FABULOUS and cheap produce, and great pet food. Really, really good quality. (Odd fact- I have a huge passion for pet nutrition so if you ever need a source for borderline useless information, here I am!) I was actually quite pleased, they have food there that is cheaper than what I’mm feeding now, and just as good in quality, if not better. Headed over to Walmart and found my exercise bike (yay!) so now I don’t have any excuse for pause days. Also, wandered into Qdoba (burrito place like Chipotle) for dinner. Yes, I had some chips and queso. But, I stopped halfway through my burrito because I was full. Imagine that, stopping before I feel uncomfortably full. Hmm.

So, basically, I’m rocking this. And starting a habit!

Today was good, suprisingly so. Stayed on plan, got in my workout, general excellence all around.

Started off my morning with a bit of a different breakfast- half of a whole wheat english muffin with an egg and half a slice of cheese. Yum. Why in the world don’t I eat that more often? Super tasty. Snacked on my usual- crackers and tuna. Lunch was leftovers from last night- sadly, one of those frozen skillet meals. (I’m sad to say I’ve been living off of them for the last few days or so)

Then, something miraculous happened. I wanted something sweet after lunch. I went by Grocery Outlet to pick up some stuff for dinner (veggies and salad that I forgot in the fridge at work, sigh) and walked out with only veggies and salad. Now, this place is chock full of all sorts of tasty processed foods. (I know, tasty and processed don’t belong in the same sentence, but I’m not there yet) Then, went by Raley’s to deposit a check (my bank’s in there) and walked out with… AN APPLE! And, it was perfect. Just what I needed. WOW. The fact that I, queen of all things saturated, sweetened, and disgusting, chose and enjoyed an apple shows  loads of progress on my part.

After youth, I kicked some kids out of my slowly moving car on my way to the gym and eeked in 40 minutes. I tried out this new machine…. horrible. It’s like the bastard stepchild of an elliptical and a stariclimber. And it hurt! But, I worked up a good sweat I did only make it 25 minutes though, at that point my knees began to hurt and I switched over to the regular elliptical.

But, three cheers! It’s been three days that I have stuck to a routine solidly. Here’s to many more!

BBBRRRRR! It’s cold! It’s been icky and snowy for the past two days… winter really is on its way.

But, we don’t have to talk about the weather tonight, because I actually have progress to report on. I MADE IT TO THE GYM!!! Two days in a row! Yesterday, I did an hour on the elliptical, today I did 45 minutes. WOOT! I haven’t snuck any strength training in yet, but I’ll get there.  I’m slowly developing the mindset of “this is what we do”, where it’s just something I do, not something to be considered or discussed.

I’ve also successfully tracked my foods and been in range both days, actually, low. I’ve got some great meals planned for next week too.

Wish I could spend some more time.. but I am admittedly exhausted and going to bed early sounds soooo good. Much love ladies, much love.

Well, I’ve lost almost all my pause days. But, I’ve held on to my sanity, but only barely.  At the tail end of last week, they decided to replace some of the windows in our office. Which would have been great- had it not been 34 degrees outside. So we had a 6×8 foot hole in our wall and my little lizard self was practically a posicle. Add that to the fact that some guy was standing on my desk and sawing, hammering, etc. for hours on end, and I’m lucky I’m not in lock up for homicide.

Then, for an added dose of lost sanity, I had an all nighter with the youth group Friday night. Up for 28 hours straight, that’s healthy! But, the kids had a good time, and I’ve been sleeping on and off ever since.

So, long story short, I didn’t stick with my goals this week. In all fairness, I knew it was probably going to fail, we had A LOT on our plates this week. But, I don’t want to be one of those people who has to wait for everything to be just perfect. So tomorrow is back to the grind. But I have reevaluated some of my goals. In hindsight, 1800 calories a day or under every day is a little unreasonable, considering that’s only 150 over my everyday goal, and things do even out. So I’ve reevaluated my goals, and brought in reinforcements. I suckered my sister into joining me.. something about misery loving company. And, we have upped the ante. We’re competing against eachother to see who can exercise the most in a given month, loser puts 20 into the pot. We don’t know what we’ll use the money for just yet, but I’m voting towards a trip. Regardless, a little healthy competition is always good.

So, my 21 day plan:

1. NO FAST FOOD. Really.

2. Track my calories every day.

3. 30 minutes cardio exercise

4. 8 glasses of water a day.

Next weekend, I’m getting an exercise bike. I’m pretty excited, and I think it’s just what I need. I keep trying to get myself to the gym everyday and it isn’t happening. Plus, Wednesdays leave me with little to no options- I’m not a morning person, there’s no tim eto go before youth group, and we get home too late to get to the gym. And, living some place with no street lights or sidewalks certainly doesn’t help. So, now I figure I can get one free tv hour a night and the rest is on the bike.  And hopefully I can start slowly waking up for 5 or ten minutes here and there until I can work up to a full wokrout each AM.

Tomorrow, I’ll weigh myself and measure. Here’s hoping these 21 days lead to some big losses. And not the twenty dollar loss from not exercising the most!

Well today was somewhat of a letdown. Day two and I’ve already used a pause day! Lame! I didn’t get in my 30 minutes of exercise, which wasn’t terribly surprising. Wednesdays are always tough, and so I knew that at least one pause day would have to be sacrificed to the Wednesday rush.

The rest of the day was, well, good and bad. Then of course, the horrible- weighed in this morning at 209.5. What the?!?!? Stupid water. Why can’t water be weightless? But, chugging along… had a smart ones microwaveable breakfast sandwich for breakfast. Super tasty? No, but passable and not terrible. Unfortunately, didn’t plan out lunch well and ended up with Subway, caved to the chips but stuck to my guns and got a roast beef sandwich instead of my super tasty Italian BMT.

As for the crockpot adventure… good and bad. Bad: I forgot to plug it in this morning, overcooked the veggies. Good: was actually pretty tasty, chicken was super moist, and I learned that I actually like sweet potatoes, turnips, and parsnips. (Just not when they’re mushy and squishy like my midsection) So, here’s what I did- sliced up a medly of winter vegetables. Mixed thyme, oregano, savory, poultry seasoning, rosemary, and marjoram. Rubbed the spice mixture and some minced garlic under the chicken’s skin. Placed chicken on top of veggies, added in about ½ inch of chicken stock. Now, I should have done the chicken for 6-8 hrs  on low.  Instead, I did it on high for about 3 to 3.5 hours. After it was done, I broiled it in the oven for a few minutes to crisp up the skin. The veggies were over done though, so next time I won’t put them in for as long. Maybe half the time.  But, the chicken was uber flavorful, and very moist. So, highly recommended in that regard.

Things did fall apart after youth group though. Burrito. Ugh. No bueno.

Haven’t updated my calories for the day yet and my connection is wonky tonight, so calorie count will have to wait. But for the other challenges:

8 glasses of water: day 2, 2 pauses left.

30 mins cardio: Day 1, 1 pause left

1800 calories or fewer: Day… pending results…

No fast food: Day 1, 1 pause left.

So far, well, um, there’s room for improvement!

Update:

Calories for yesterday came in at 1945. Ouch. So, 1800 or fewer calorie challenge: Day 1, 1 pause left.

Suck.

So, it goes without saying that my time away from the blogs didn’t lead to anything healthy or productive. I could go into the gory details, but I’ll just leave you with the end result- this morning I weighed back in at 208. Ouch. No bueno.

But I’m back. I’m not going to kick myself or anything like that, just pick myself up and go again. It’d be a lie to say that I fell off the wagon- more like jumped off.  It wasn’t so much that I wanted any of the horrible things I ate, but that I didn’t plan anything and so it all just spiraled out of control. Atleast I learned a few things wallowing around in grease.

I really didn’t like the things I ate, and they didn’t make me feel good. I felt like I gained the weight back almost immediately, and I was ten times more tired than usual. I felt like I was eating in auto-pilot, and just shoveling it in like some kind of freak conveyer belt. With a few notable exceptions, (a DELICIOUS brownie sundae and Fire and Ice, part of an early bday celebration with the fam) I didn’t enjoy or derive any pleasure from the foods I ate. Which is just pathetic.

But, I’m starting over with a new mentality. A challenge, if you will. I totally stole the idea from the boards but, here goes:

I am going to challenge myself to do something consistently for 21 days. If I skip a day, I start over at day one until I can get all the way through 21 days of consistency. I will give myself 2 “pause” days per challenge, where I can essentially “take a day off” and start back where I was, but only twice during the 21 day period. So, I’ve settled on 4 challenges for now. I know that may seem a little ambitious, but one of them will be very easy for me, and one relatively so.  Without further ado:

1. 8 glasses of water a day

2. 2000 or fewer net calories per day (my technical goal is 1680, but I tend to cycle, so this gives me some room)

3. 30 minutes of cardio exercise every day

4. NO FAST FOOD

So, that’s it. Just 21 days. One step at a time

In other news- great strides with the Crockpot. Because I only have 20 minutes or so to eat, change, and get out of the house on Wednesday nights, the Crockpot has become my new friend. But, I’m tired of potroast, so I decided to try something new. I’m roasting a chicken… in the crockpot. And, I’m going out on a limb, and cooking some vegetables I’ve never tried- sweet potato, turnip, and parsnip. I love my veggies, but my window is very small. So, here’s to broadening horizons! And, hopefully, 21 days of success!

Score! I made it all day without raiding the pink box. Once again, someone brought a box of doughnuts into work for the office. They sounded sooo good, they even had a crumb donut, my personal fav. And, nothing. I even had to sit next to the damn box for my entire lunch, and managed to walk away without eating one. That, for me, is huge. Technically, I could have easily had one in my calories, but it was about passing up on a food that I didn’t really want. I mean, I wanted it, sweet crumby doughy goodness. But, had it not been there, it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind. In the afternoon I fixated on them like a four year old, but I was committed to going home victorious. I ended up having 2 almond kisses, and that was just right.

I know that I could have fit one into my calories easily. Very easily. And I know that it wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I had one. But I am so desperate to change my way of thinking that I couldn’t give in. Somehow, I just felt that if I could just get through this day without a doughnut, I would be achieving something truly significant. I guess in some ways I did. I’m an impulsive person, and not just with food. I see things, and I want them. I can;t stop thinking about them, and in the end, I cave, and feel dissapointed with my lack of willpower and with the object of my previous desire. I’m trying to get rid of that see it-want it-have it- devour it and end up feeling empty cycle. I like doughnuts, I like baked goods, I like all of these foods. But that doesn’t mean I can’t turn them down. Or at least it shouldn’t. I will have these treats and indulgences, but only because I’ve considered them carefully, decided on what I want and why I want it, and because I will enjoy them in moderation. Doughnuts for no reason are not justifiable cause, but I’m already giving thought to what tasty morsel I’ll enjoy on my birthday, or the slice of pie I’ll have at Apple Hill next week, split with my husband and enjoyed in the company of my mom and sister.  When all is said and done, I would have liked the doughnut, but right now, I like ME, and that’s more important.

The rest of my choices were pretty good, though I overrate at dinner. Unfortunately, having only 30 minutes to eat, change, etc and get out the door is not condusive to a good meal. Even with that, I was under calories by 100ish today. Score.

And- I GOT A BADGE! WOOT! Thedailyplate gave me a badge for logging my foods for 14 days in a row.  I’m stoked. Once again, I’m finding that logging my food is instrumental to any sort of success, and, like a five year old, I am so excited for more badges!