The quest for happy imperfection…

Where have I been? Deathbed, population: me. I’ve officially been really crappily sick for a full week now which is wreaking havoc on, oh, everything. I finally broke down today and went to Urgent Care (I know, such a bad girl, I work in health care and still don’t have a primary care physician. Guess I’m just another “slipping through the cracks” statistic) and confirmed what I knew all along- a pretty gnarly sinus infection. So today I started on my first (of two) rounds of antibiotics, which I am so tickled about. Yeah, no.  So that’s where I’ve been. Basically, going through a box of tissues and a a box of cold medicine a day.

Now, the week before that was pretty good actually. Well, except for tennis. Tennis, you say? Yes, tennis. I know, it’s great that I got out there and did something I don’t normally do. I went with a friend and actually had a pretty good time. Except for the whole part about me spending the entire night chasing balls (hold back those pervy comments ladies!). Yep. You heard it straight from the horse’s mouth (yes, I’m feeling a little bit like livestock, atleast in size, these days) I SUCK at tennis. But, I have a standing Monday night tennis date from her until eternity, so hopefully I’ll get better. And, heck, hopefully I’ll be well enough to play this week! I’m pretty sure the indent I’m making in the couch will soon become permanant.

 Well low carb isn’t working. At all. It just isn’t a natural way to live. And, gosh darnit, I’m Italian, and Irish, and French, (among other things), I am genetically engineered to crave carbs. Not to mention the fact that I just can’t shake the nagging notion that it isn’t healthy or normal to cut out a whole food group. So now, it is, in some ways, time to head back to the drawing board. I’m still trying to decide what my plan of attack is, but I think I’m probably just going to make myself write down what I eat. No need to preplan my calories or try to fit into a range. But, I think I need to go back to acknowledging what I’m eating and holding myself responsible for what I put into my mouth. Most likely that won’t take effect until Monday because fam is coming up this weekend.

Trying to figure out exercise too. Summer hours have taken effect at my gym (damn resort town) and so it closes at 9 instead of ten, which is making it a little more difficult to get there. But, like I said, I now have a standing Monday night tennis date (provided I survive until then) which gets in some good cardio. And, best of all, it involves a lot of varied movements- backwards, side to side, etc. Now just to exercise more than once a week….

Where have I really been? Mentally? Well, it’s long and complicated (read: a totally diffeent ball of wax) but I can say that by the end of this week I’ll have some answers that will take a big load off. (My marriage and health, outside of the sinus infection from hell, are fine, so don’t be too worried)

… and this morning I got right back on. Despite my shameful non-blogging, I’ve actually been doing pretty well this week. I’ve been eating on plan all the way up to last night (wow, pretty flipping amazing for me) and Monday night I even managed to take Lucy out for a nice trail run. Our run was pretty enjoyable, though I was breathing so hard people probably thought there was some sort of weird woodland porn going on. I ended up walking most of it because I was just so winded. It’s actually kind of odd. I’ve noticed that an increase of five pounds makes such a huge difference at this weight, where at lower weights it never did. I must be reaching critical mass. Anyways… the most interesting thing (I thought) about the whole run excursion is that I actually spent most of my day looking forward to it. I know, crazy. Poor Lucy though, she just keep looking back at me like “Come on chubby! Pick up the pace!” But, it’s gorgeous out there, and it really gave me a chance to get some clarity and work through a lot of stuff that’s been going on. (More on that later, that requires a totally different post and a tub of icecream) I’ve gotten to a point where I’m just feeling better about this whole thing. No, I didn’t make it Tuesday or Wednesday night, and I probably won’t tonight. But for the first time, I don’t feel guilty about not going. I didn’t make excuses or talk myself out of going, I was just busy. I like trail running. I don’t need to fight myself on it anymore. It’s really a great feeling.

Speaking of Lucy, she has, thankfully recovered from the horrible digestive disaster of 2008. Unfortunately, she has not learned anything from the whole debacle, and our trash can is in witness protection in the downstairs bathroom until I can find a trashcan with a latching lid. (We mountain folk don’t have any of that fancy city crap). Then again, maybe she did learn. Eat Trash. Get Really Sick. Mom Makes Homemade Dinners. Score! I just can’t win.

 As for my dinners, low carb really isn’t all that fun. But, it’s not that hard either. It doesn’t require much thought, any research, or a whole lot of planning. Which is good. I’ve had salad for lunch every day, which is SO unlike me, but something I’ll probably carry with me when I go back to the sweet, wonderful land of carbs. Normally, salads leave me hungry pretty quickly afterwards. But, after my salad, I have another 2 cups of veggies (usually raw broccoli) or so. It leaves me uncomfortably full for about half an hour, but after that I’m good to go. Despite my failures last night, yesterday’s lunch was a pinnacle of success. I walked away from coconut cream pie. I must be either committed to my plan or insane. The biggest part of my success was what happened afterwards, I didn’t let myself dwell on my pie. I couldn’t have it. Oh well. Life moves on. Though, sometimes I do miss dietary martyrdom.

As for my failure, one word sums it all up: hotdogs. See, we had youth group last night. And we’ve come to realize that many of our kids aren’t eating dinner on Wednesday nights. They don’t have parents to drive them, so they either take the bus there after school and bum a ride home, or walk several miles to get there. Even worse, we have several kids where there just isn’t enough food to go around at home. (As a side rant, most people mistakenly believe that Tahoe is a relatively affluent place. The truth is that a good part of our town lives in poverty) So anyways, we decided to start serving dinner. What’s cheap? (we have no youth budget. Okay, we do. But it’s also our personal budget) Hot dogs. Not great, but we’re feeding 40+ people and that would be way too much lasagna or spaghetti. Well, I succumbed to the bun. I was hungry, we didn’t have plates, and the hotdog needed ketchup. Hot dog buns? Not so bad you say. Well, later on that night I got REALLY hungry. The hotdogs just didn’t do it for me. (Remember, I only had a salad for lunch and didn’t grab an afternoon snack) So, Taco Bell. Ugh. Oh well. I slipped. Who cares. Life goes on.

I went back to my scrambled eggs this morning. (Without hashbrowns)