The quest for happy imperfection…

Yay. Much better.

Today, I woke up early and spent 15 minutes working out with my punching bag. Unfortunately, I slept in a little too late to get my ab workout in in the morning.

Got to work, wasn’t pleased with my eggs so I passed on them. Had a mini wheat bagel with some cream cheese and an apple. For lunch, I picked up a baked potato with just a little bit of sour cream and cheese and some grilled veggies. Fixed up a salad to have in the afternoon- bay shrimp, little bit of cottage cheese, a hardboiled egg, a few croutons, and just a touch of dressing. Also had a cheesestick in the afternoon.  Walked Lucy for 20 minutes at lunch.

After work, things got a bit sketchy. Went to happy hour instead of walking with Lucy. Oops! Had a rum and diet, some nachos, 10 chips, and 2 1/2 bbq potato skins. Could have been better, could have been much worse.

This is where things got amazing. Got home from happy hour, changed, and drove my butt to the gym. Did 45 minutes on the elliptical, .5 miles on the treadmill, and an upper body workout. I would have finished my full mile on the treadmill, but I made the mistake of doing it after the elliptical, and my potato skins were desperately trying to make a reappearance. When I got home, I partied like a rockstar and finished my ab routine that I didn’t do in the morning.

Right now, I feel GREAT. I feel strong and empowered. I feel that wonderful slightly shaky sore. And that makes me happy.  Now to just put one foot in front of the other… every day.

Yeah. Let’s just say that I’m pretty much disgustingly full, and have been for the past two days or so. Ugh. Not good, not good at all.

I guess I’m really just struggling with the whole concept of motivation. Which is why I probably need to stop depending on motivation and just do it. Hmm. Yeah, sounds great. Theories are fabulous. I wish I felt like losing weight. I wish I craved lean protein and veggies. I wish I felt the need to workout every night. Yep. Not me. Ugh. Time to go back to the drawing board.

Friday was a bit of depression- had a body composition done. Eek!!! We’re doing this health challenge thing at work and so I had to get my body comp done. The good the bad and the ugly :dun dun dun!: The good- I’m overweight and not obese. The bad: I have 41% body fat. The ugly: I have to lose 20 pounds to reach the top end of a healthy body weight. Eek. I also found out that, if my body did not have any fat at all, I’d be 111 pounds.  Obviously, I need fat to live. But, it’s still sad to realize that I’m almost 80 pounds of fat. Then I made the mistake of comparing that to the weights of other things. Never good.

So it’s time to get something to change. My new plan: Just do it. Quit waiting for motivation. Quit waiting until it’s easy or fun. It’s just not going to work that way. So, I’ve just spent an hour or so casually planning out my workouts for this week. (I’m going to start another page of weekly planning). I’m not going to plan out my meals for the week… I find that normally leads me to lash out. But, I’m going to offer myself a few suggestions. And make some scrambled eggs for my breakfasts.

So here we go again. I’m trying to see things in a positive light. Eternal optimist, you bet. And so, I know that the more I fall and get up again, the stronger my commitment will become. Not that I’m going to use that as an excuse to fall. But, I know that this is only going to keep me down if I let it.  I read a GREAT quote the other day “Failing on a diet one day and using that as an excuse to give up is like tripping on one stair and deciding you might as well throw yourself down the rest.” Or something like that. I’m commited to recreating a lifestyle. Three weeks to establish a habit, right? Day one tomorrow.

… and landed fasce first into the chinese food buffet. And then… when I was down, I got beat up by a bunch of cookie dough that shoved itself into my mouth. I swear. It was awful.

 Okay… yeah. All joking aside, today was not good. From the get-go, work was a gigantic crapfest. I got chewed out by my boss when I walked in (for something that has nothing to do with me) and then got stuck in a long and painful training session that had nothing to do with my job. To make it even worse, it was a teleconference. (I’m definitely not an auditory learner). So, by the time lunch comes around I’m grumpy and very irritable. Imagine how much that was improved when we walked out for our hour lunch break and my boss had a project for me that needed to be completed within the hour. Wow, that was so respectful of my time! The courtesy is overwhelming! So by the time I actually got to go to lunch, I met up with my coworker at the Chinese food buffet and time was not on my side. I had gone with good intentions. One plate, small portions, reasonably smart portions.

Alas. I was still so incensed at the crap I’d caught all day, and the teleconference from hell that I practically sat at the end of a conveyer belt with my mouth open. To make it better, when we got back to our conference, someone had bought a pound of See’s candies (who does that?!) that I felt the need to indulge in.  Ugh.

So I got home from work and, first things first, took Lucy on a 45 minute hike. Got home, grabbed the last slice of pizza (homemade) and turned on the tv. Was still hungry after the pizza. Things went downhill from there. 4-5 servings of cookie dough,  a quesadilla and some black beans later… yeah. Not good.

But, instead of “getting back on track tomorrow,” I got up, got changed, and headed to the gym. Did 45 minutes of intense elliptical and a quick lap around the small track. Did some weights. Feeling good.

But, I have to say, today was the first day I was disappointed in myself. Sure, I’ve been disgusted, mad, ashamed, etc. But never disappointed. (Hearing the awful “I’m not mad… just… disappointed” horror from my childhood) Normally, when I screw up like this, I make myself write down every calorie. Today, I’m not going to do that. I got up and got moving, that’s good enough for now.  Now that I actually feel bad, I don’t feel the need to make myself feel worse. And so, I slipped up, I got over it, I moved on.

(and move I did- my @$$ is sore!) 

197.5. Yay! Finally, moving back in the right direction, and away from the horrible 188 that has stuck around since mid-Feb.

Friday.. got a little derailed. I’ve spent the past few weeks battling the horrible and insurmountable topic of the future. Unfortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re going to have to leave paradise to make things happen. Friday I finally came face to face with that reality, and it hit me hard. I didn’t binge, I didn’t make any truly horrible choices… but I needed some work on portion control. So, in a lot of ways, I’m proud of myself. Wish I had been a little better but, really, what are you going to do. Right?

Saturday- not bad. No breakfast- which is pretty typical for a Sat. Had a Subway swich and split a bag of chips with hubby. Had a turkey mignon, some veggies, and some potatoes au gratin for dinner. Unfortunately, hit the snacks a little hard before dinner- dipping tortilla chips in refried black beans and some cheese with reckless abandon. Tortilla chips are my kryptonite. Normally, I don’t allow them in the house because I can’t not eat them. DH, sadly, has gotten fed up with the chip probation and has begged for parole. Success- I can leave them alone. Provided, of course, that DH doesn’t put them in front of me. So, now we can keep them in the house- yay!

Today wasn’t bad- more potatoes au gratin, asparagus, honey ham, and rolls for dinner, part of a pastrami sandwich for lunch, cereal for breakfast. Finished off dinner with some strawberry shortcake…. but, I had to. It was too good. And, suprisingly, one slice of the cake was only 110 calories. So, I went for it. I did inadvertantly snack on 2 funsize skittles bags but for Easter, that’s nothing.

I’m just now getting around to inputting all of my foods into mydailyplate but, I give myself a little slack on the weekends. After my near meltdown on Friday, I tried to take it easy on myself for the weekend. I didn’t push the whole diet thing too much, but I was really trying to keep myself away from eating emotionally. While my eating wasn’t entirely OP, mainly due to portions, I didn’t eat anything when I wasn’t hungry (except for some of the predinner snacking on Sat) so I can’t get too mad.

Friday1883 /Saturday1460 /Sunday1772- Aiming for 1535 for -2 lb per week (according to mdp) Not great, but, much better than I have been. And, we’re getting there.

So, yesterday was good. I was within calories, and enjoyed it. Tooke lucy out for an hour hike, and enjoyed it. I seem to have finally convinced myself that “cheating” is really only cheating myself. I guess I’m too much of a “Don’t walk on the grass? I’ll show them!” rebel that the idea of cheating or doing something I’m not supposed to is irresistable. And no, it won’t be “just this once,” I don’t “need” it, it’s not really that good, and yes, it is a big deal if I eat it.

So yesterday, had breakfast at the hospital cafe, scrambled eggs and tater tots. Somehow managed to walk away from the breakfast cobbler- fresh buttermilk biscuits with this deliciously decadent peach topping. Sometimes I wish our hospital food tasted like hospital food. But, I walked away from that and the cinnamon rolls I was bringing back to my coworker.

For lunch I went back to the cafe and got the chicken fajitas and a tittle lemon tart thing. Passed on the tortillas. That was a hard struggle. They even gave them to me and I had to throw them away. But really, they’re just a delivery method, and, despite what my evil stomach tried to tell me, they weren’t even good tortillas.

Dinner I cooked up some zucchini and squash, made a nice salad, and a homemade pizza. Okay, home assembled pizza. I bought the dough at Trader Joes and used some yummy pizza sauce, some skim mozzarella, a little bit of pepperoni, some mushrooms, and just a tiny touch of pancetta. Wanted a beer, but, knew it would put me over calories for the day. Eh, it’ll still be there later.

Squeezed in an hour hike with Lucy before dinner with a coworker, I’m finding that it’s easier and easier for me everytime. I mean, granted, it’s not huge or hard hike, but I’m doing it atleats once a week now. Which is pretty awesome.

Finally! A touch of success! And not on the scale either… though I imagine it will begin to show up there as well.

Victory #1: Mexican restaurant.

Tuesday night. Went out to dinner with one of my good friends to one of my favorite quasi Mexican restarants. Counted my chips (8), knowing I could only have 10-12 in the average serving. Ordered my fav dish (really, the only reason I go there) carne asada. Scoffed at the tortillas. Divided and conquered only half my plate. Yes, I indulged in some sour cream… but it’s just too good. Ordered a rum and diet instead of the margarita I really wanted. Came in UNDER calories for the day. Take that fat!

Victory #2:  Evil office meeting.

Had a meeting in our valley office.  Someone had brought in doughnuts. And cookies. Like, big as your head cookies. I sat there, for an hour, eating my cereal and smelling the sweet wafting odors of goodness. Didn’t eat a doughnut. The cookies.. mmm… I’ve had them before. Best damn cookies in the world. They were still warm. Grabbed one, wrapped it up, and took it home to DH. Only one tiny (like, an almond sized) nibble.  Accepted that the cookie would never love me, just use me and leave me like a cheap one night stand. I’m better than that. I committed myself to a nice nectarine instead.

So, woohoo! Back down to 188 after the madness that was St. Patty’s (between that and a totally calorie overboard weekend, had gotten back up to 190.5- ack!) DH’s best friend is coming into town this weekend. Everyone’s going to want to go out. Need to quit using the “this isn’t very often” excuse. No, it isn’t always very often, but still. I’ve consumed more alcohol in the last two weeks than the last 6 months, based on 3 “not very often” occasions.

But…. we’re getting there. Slowly, but surely, and I beat the Mexican restaurant!

So… our estimated losses: dignity, and any chance of losing weight this week.

It all went down like this: St. Patty’s day. The day of my people. It had to be celebrated. So, off to the neighborhood Irish pub. Got talked into an Irish car bomb (Guinness with half a shot each of Bailey’s and Jameson whiskey in the middle) Yep, not tasty. Downed a big green beer waiting for my chicken pot pie. (I love my peoples, but we’re passing on the corned beef and nasty) Ate my chicken pot pie, still hungry.  Coworker attemtped to talk me into another Irish car bomb. Resisted. Coworker attempted to talk me into a lemon drop… failure of will power. Coworker again tried to talk me into another Irish car bomb. Resisted. Switched to lemon drop tactic, yet another failure of self control. On the drive home (late and sober, no worries there folks!), still hungry. Chicken pot pie was really a cup of chicken and potato soup with a piece of phyllo dough on top. Ran through Mcdonalds drive thru- got entire meal. And an apple pie. Resisted the two for a dollar deal. A glimpse of some success.

Ate entire meal. Fell asleep on couch. My original plan of having salad for lunch, one drink with a reasonable dinner and going to the gym after was a massive failure.

Total damage: 1826 OVER my calorie allowance. Ouch. Excuse me as I go hang my head in shame over my lowfat yogurt.

The good news is that today is a new day. So far, so good. Tonight will, me thinks, include a hike and some gym time both. Tommorrow I will wake up early and spend a little time. (Oh, that sound? The sound of DH laughing, and cursing the invention of the snooze button. All at the same time.)

I walked away froma  double chocolate chip muffin. I actually picked it up, plucked it’s wrapper… and managed to throw it away before it affixed itself to my hips.  The force must be getting stronger.

 This cold thing is very, very old. I feel like someone is inflating a balloon inside my face and then mercilessly laughing at me. Not to mention that whole sinus drainage thing… eww. Very, very eww. And, I’m up half a pound today, and I’m blaming it all on that post nasal drip.

Today was not so good. I took out half an apple danish and a chocolate chocolate chip muffin. I’m getting ready to mow down a double decker supreme too. Oh, you want to stop me? Yeah, wouldn’t reccomend that. Now, I know that eating the taco won’t make me feel better… but still. Food is totally unappealing and unsatisfying (except for, naturally, those things I shouldn’t be eating) I think I’m finding that I should just go for what I want to begin with instead of  trying to substitute something else. Otherwise I’m ending up eating the substitute AND what I want.

All things considered, I can’t be doing too badly for near death. I actually managed to go out for a leisurely “hike” for an hour with Lucy, a friend and her dog. I call it a hiek because it’s on a mild uphill and not entirely packed snow. So, probably less calories burned than an actual hike, but more than walking. Today- no real exercise. But, we moved desks around at work so I was carrying boxes and pushing and moving stuff almost all day. And, I don’t feel good- gosh darnit!

So, I’m off to go wallow in my sorrows in TacoHell. Maybe I’ll even show myself some compassion and not step on the scale tomorrow. No… a true masochist couldn’t do that. Then again… if I were a true masochist…. I would actually enjoy the punishment the scale brings. Hit me baby one more time!

but I’m feeling like I might! Damn head colds.  Right now my sinuses are staging a coup, and I’m afraid the rest of me is losing the battle. For the record, I would like to be cremated. And I better not find my ashes on anyone’s mantle.

The week was actually pretty good, I wasn’t in hiding, I just fell asleep early, a lot. I’ve stabilized my weight at 188, down from 10 at the beginning of the week. So that’s good. My calories were mostly in range, and I managed to get some exercise in. (Not enough, but we’re making some progress) This weekend things got sketchy.

On Friday, I went out to lunch with some coworkers  after a brutal meeting. We went out to Italian, and I had a calamari parmesan sandwich. But, I only ate half, and had a salad instead of fries. Dinner, or lack thereof, not so good. Unless, of course, liquid dinners are good. 2 screwdrivers, an appletini, and a rum and coke, with about 5 nachos. Oops! Overall, not a good calorie day.

Saturday was a really good day. I went skiing. For the record, I started skiing as soon as I could walk, but quit nine years ago when I started snowboarding.  So, yesterday was my first day skiing in nine years. Some of you are wondering “why are you going backwards? What happened to snowboarding? Well, I finally faced the music. Despite the fact that I COULD snowboard, I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it. I was still so scared of falling and gettign hurt that I couldn’t give it my all. And scared with good reason. Falling on a snowboard gives you a 50/50 chance of falling on your lower back, where my major injury is. It was relatively fun, but I was taking it so slowly that I would never have been able to keep up with any of my friends, etc. So, when my coworker brought her niece up to ski, and wanted someone to go with her, I went for it.

Can I just say it was probably the most fun I’ve had in a long time? Luckily, it seems to be like riding a bike, and it all came back to me very naturally. I even managed to stay on my feet all day (which is one of the reasons that I switched back to skiing, it’s easier to prevent a fall than with snowboarding) Granted, I’m not as good as I used to be (I was that crazy ten year old kid zipping by on expert runs) but, I was good enough. And it was fun.  Not without adventure though, and I totally blame my coworkers niece.

Let me explain.  Reason number one it’s all her fault: in the mornign while we’re riding the bunny hill lift, she says she’d liek to see someone ride the chair lift going down the mountain instead of up it (Can you see where this is going?) Reason number two, when we’re taking our first blue run of the day (beginner is green circle, intermediate is blue square, advanced is black diamond, expert is double black diamond, skull and crossbones… well… you get it.) Anyways, while we’re going down our first blue she decides she wants to go through some trees. Sure, cool! So we get through and are now in the position where we ahve to get on a different lift to get back to where we were. So I see the sign next to the lift that says to take thsi run back to the lodge we were at. Sweet. So we get on. And on, and on. I start to realize that we’re probably going to the wrong place when I notice that the top of the lift is buried in clouds. We get closer to the top and I realize we’re really at the top with the snow blowing across the peaks and all. Not good. We get off and I realize we’re at the top of Mount Everest, there’s empty O2 bottles everywhere, frozen bodies stickign out of the snow, and evey run is advanced or better. Crap. Well, what are you going to do now? SO we start heading towards our run along this long flat trail. So as we’re pole-ing our way along we pass all these signs saying “Danger, cliff area” “Area closed to skiing” “Access at your own risk” “You or your heirs are responsible for any rescue costs, rescue may not be possible”. Yeah. little scary. But, some runs are only black diamond because they’re ungroomed or deep powder, so I figure, maybe worth a shot. We get there and its a deathtrap- straight down the mountain. But, theres a smooth, flat trail wrapping around the side. So we take that. Until about 100 feet down when we see a sign that says “not a ski trail” Crap. Well it turns out that particular section of trail is only flat when you’re nto walking up it, carryign two sets of skis, and then all the way back to the lift. I felt like a tool, but, yeah, we rode the lift back down.  Other than that, the day was great. That and my awkward forehead sunburn.

Not only that, but I got home and gathered DH and Lucy and took a walk through the frozen marsh that uh, wasn’t frozen enough. Should have been a snowshoe adventure. But, nonetheless, I cranked up my exercise! So, food not so good, but exercise is a vast improvement.

If I live through this head cold.. I have every intention of kicking ass this week…